In the Light

 Yesterday, I got the sweetest surprise:

A text saying that my sweet Jamie had sent me $15 over Venmo just because she wanted me to do something nice for myself.

I also got a message from a sweet girl who I've only met once.

She said that she just wanted to spend more time with me.

I also got to snuggle with a little.

Snuggling with littles is the best possible thing that we've ever, in the history of ever, been given the ability to do!

Moral of the story:

There is ALWAYS light in darkness.

And, even more important to remember: shadows are amazing.

Because in order to get those dark silhouettes, we have to have some light behind us, or over us, or under us.

The Addiction of Validation

Addictions are hard.

They are exhausting.

They, as I have noted before, take over our agency.

Addictions take over our ability to choose.

They take over our ability to make logical, good choices.

Literally.

However, as addicts, we don't see that happening.

There is almost a desensitization, a Ketamine effect.

We become emotionally, mentally, even physically paralyzed. 

We definitely become spiritually paralyzed.

And we don't even know it.

Others look at addicts... I certainly did...

And wonder WHY addicts can't see what outsiders see.

In reality, as I have said before, most everyone is an addict in some way!

All of us!

Remember, addictions are not just chemical.

Addictions to drugs, prescription medication, alcohol, food, cigarettes, e-cigs, caffeine, etc. are real.

They are also often times very visible.

Addiction to sex, pornography, exercise, hoarding, cleaning, plastic surgery, spending money, social media, etc. can also be visible, but less so. 

Addiction to validation is seriously something I didn't even know existed.

Co-dependency is a real addiction.

Worrying about other people's faults rather than looking at your own - addiction.

So many - all just as debilitating!!

T and I were talking the other night.

All addictions are crazy hard.

All of them.

None worse than the other.

I don't know what it is like to have a chemical addiction.

I am addicted to validation.

I am super late in the game with emotional maturity.

Learning is most of my recovery!

T noted that my addiction can be tricky because it's all about making choices in my life that are good choices, but with addictive tendancies can be bad.

Make sense?
Yeah, it's HARD as hell!

So, I have to be completely aware of every single thought.

Even the good, healthy ones.

I have to keep them in check so that I don't fall into the addictive process.

And I do.

With T by my side every step!

Baseball & Life

One of my boys' favorite humans, BJ, spoke in Church on Sunday.

BJ likes baseball.

I like baseball.

Guaranteed I listened to every word of his talk.

Baseball was spoken of throughout.

I was happy.

BJ talked about how he used to do batting practice for hours on end, day after day.

Swinging.

Choking up.

Hand/eye coordination exercises.

I grew up watching these very same things take place in our garage.

My dad would set up drills for his players.

They would do the same ones for hours and hours, day after day.

Hitting off the tee.

Hitting a ball that was hung from the rafters.

Grip.

Hand/eye coordination.

Stance work.

Leg work.

Hip work.

Hand placement.

Studying pitchers.

Day after day after day.

BJ talked about how everyone wants to hit 10 out of 10 pitches.

Goals!

However, to be considered an ELITE ball player... an ELITE, top of the field, all-star batter, you need to hit an average of 3 out of 10 pitches into the field of play.

THIRTY PERCENT.

Thirty percent is considered money!

In fact, thirty percent as a batting average will get you paid millions of dollars.

Money!

30%.

What is happening the other 70% of the time?

Well, you might be swinging and missing.

You might be making contact with the ball, but someone in the field catches the fly ball or throws you out on base. 

You might be standing in the box, not swinging at the strikes.

You might be taking ball after ball, walking to first base.

You might even be getting hit with the pitches.

A lot goes on at home plate.

The pitcher is playing mind games with you.

The catcher is assisting the pitcher in ways I never understood.

The other seven people in the field have ONE goal - to get you out.

You are all alone at home plate, with the entire defense focused completely on making sure you fail to get on base.

Yes, the third base coach is tell you what to do at home plate.

The manager and hitting coach of studied the pitcher's best pitches, their tendencies and have passed that along to you.

The umpire is there to rule "fairly" on whether or not the pitcher is hitting his pitches.

But in the end - it's all on you and you alone.

And 30% is considered really, really good!

Life:

We have managers and coaches and judges (umpires).

We have fans in the stands (even if it's just one out 40,000) who are rooting for us.

We have teammates in the dugout who are wearing their rally caps and hollering encouragement to you.

We have game film (experiences, lessons).

We have the ability to practice our swing and our stance and our grip and even our trainers.

We have the opportunity every day to learn new skills, better skills and to practice what we have down.

But we also have people in the field who are determined to make sure we fail.

We have people in the stands rooting against our rise.

We have people judging us inaccurately and unfairly.

We have about 70% of our swings that we miss.

SEVENTY PERCENT.

But we get back up there inning after inning and we keep swinging.

We wipe the dirt off of our butts and we keep running the bases.

We keep practicing the things that we know have helped us and bettered us and made us stronger.

We listen for that one person in the stands who is rooting for us and we tune out all the rest.

We keep going.

Because in the end, 30% is pretty good.

Abuse

There is a large misconception about abuse.

The word, alone, causes conversations to end abruptly.

It's a term that no one wants to hear or talk about.

Ever.

However, it's prevalent in our society.

Physical.

Mental.

Emotional.

Sexual.

Spiritual.

Neglect.

Control.

Addiction.

It cripples people.

Due to my own emotional neglect of my own children at times, they too feel these things at times.

Coming out of my struggles and my own abuse and neglect has helped me to really see and hear and value my relationship with my children. 

They, too, have experienced these things.

One, from the abuse of their father and other people in their lives.

Two, from a mama who was deep into addiction.

I have had to really focus on making sure they are validated every day.

Making sure that they know that they are loved by me every day.

Not just because I say it, but because I show it.

Taking Kaydon dinner. Getting a Fizz with Colton. Sitting and shooting the breeze with Braxton.

Cooking.

Baking.

Cleaning.

Talking.

Laughing.

Sharing.

Be aware of these things in the people around you.

Love them.

Not Getting What You Want

The Dalai Lama is brilliant.

How true is this?!

Do you even know how many times I have felt like God just didn't understand?

WHYYYYYYY could I just not have what I wanted?

I for sure, no question about it, guaranteed knew better than Him!!

Oh, Heidi Rae.

How little you know!

Not getting what we think is best for us is just part of the Plan.

And, there really is a plan for each of us!

Every little moment in every single day is part of our very own Plan.

How great is it, really, when we realize that our Plan was not created BY us.

It was created FOR us.

By GOD.

Let that sink in.

The job we didn't get.

The people who we desperately wanted to be friends with but they really didn't want to be friends with us.

The trip we didn't go on.

The relationship(s) that didn't work out. (if only you knew!)

The date you didn't go on.

The car that broke down.

The illness you got.

The loss that you experienced.

All of it has been according to Plan.

I have told this story MANY times.

My children have heard it.

Perhaps some of you have heard it.

It is a true story about my daddy.

He was in high school.

My dad was very popular in high school.

Granted, he lived in Cowley, Wyoming.

Population 400.

And, that is counting every farm animal that has run through the town's limits.

Almost everyone was related somehow, in some way.

My dad is the youngest of seven kids as well.

Everyone knows everyone.

Daddy was a jock, and a good one at that.

After school, seven of his buddies came to his house to get him.

They wanted to go for a drive.

Daddy asked Grandpa if he could go.

Grandpa said, "No."

Daddy threw a bit of a teenage jock fit.

He was angry that Grandpa wouldn't let him go.

Grandpa held firm.

Dad asked him why.

Grandpa simply said he could not go.

Daddy went and told his friends that he couldn't go and off his friends went.

The next day at school, there was a lot of chatter.

Daddy rushed home.

Grandpa was there.

Grandpa told him it was true - 

Six of his friends were dead and the seventh would be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

Daddy's friends were in a horrifying accident.

Grandpa told Daddy that he didn't have a "good" reason to not let him go on that drive;

simply that he had a bad, bad feeling about it and knew he couldn't give in to Dad's tantrum.

Not getting what we want is far more than a stroke of luck - it's all according to Plan.

A Day of Denying & A Day of Growing

Yesterday was a very uncomfortable day for me.

I was feeling a LOT of vulnerability and that felt very uncomfortable.

It felt scary.

It felt dangerous.

After I messaged T, I stopped for a minute in my desk chair.

I went into meditation:

What are my hands touching?
What do I smell?
What do I hear?

What are the back of my legs touching?
What are my feet touching?

What are my eyes looking at?

Where do I feel tingling or pain?

This helps to ground me.

It helps me to focus on breathing and just being.

It helps me to sit with my emotions and figure them out rather than judging them.

I prayed.

I read scriptures.

Then, I texted Jackson and asked him to call me back and bear me his testimony.

Those are the good things, Loves.

Just because therapy is on-going...

Just because treatment is on-going -

It doesn't mean that I'm "healed."
... whatever that even means.

It means that I have the tools to be with my emotions.

To validate myself.

To remember that not every moment is supposed to be contentment, joy, happiness, peace and comfort.

Things are actually SUPPOSED to be uncomfortable at times.

It's normal.

It's healthy.

It's ok!

I was up all night barfing...

But I woke up this morning...

Turned on my focus and motivation meditation and got ready for this day.

It's not just about enduring.

It's not just about going through the motions.

It's about living.

The Talk

Friday night, I had a talk with Kaydon.

Or maybe it was Saturday morning.

It was a busy weekend!

I was really, REALLY nervous about having this conversation.

But, I felt that it was the right time.

Me: "Kaydon, Mommy needs to talk to you."

KK: "Okay. What's up?

Me: "How would you feel about me dating Mike?"

KK: "Mike from next door... who used to live there... who you ditched 29 times?"

Me: "Yup. That Mike."

KK: "I would really love that."

Me: Speechless. Maybe crying already.

KK: "Mom, you've worked so hard the last nine months. This was never about you not dating again. This was about you getting better. I think that Mike is a great guy. And patient. I like him a lot."

Me: "Oh. Well then ok."

KK: "I mean, Dude is persistent. And he's a lot different than any other guy you've ever dated."

I actually did ditch him 29 times, and unapologetically.

I needed to make sure that I was in a place where I could hold my space and date only who I WANTED to and date someone who was actually, like, an adult.

T calls him an "adult."
Funny, but not funny.

But real.

Progress.