Dare

My role with Green HoriZen is that of Vice President of Leadership and Affiliate Development. 

I spend a whole lot of time focusing on leadership and what that means.

I do a lot of research on it.

Mike and I discuss it almost daily.

Mike and I both LOVE Brene Brown.

What I wouldn't give to hear her speak in person!

I was introduced to Brene's work by my neuro-psych.

This month, I am reading and focusing on her book, "Dare to Lead."

The word "dare" is so profound to me.

Dare to be me.

Dare to be bold.

Dare to be authentic. (this one might be my favorite!)

Dare to be in the game and dare to change the game!
Dare to take risks.

What does "dare" represent to you?

Teaching Adults

This whole having a child who is now an adult is the most terrifying thing EVER.

Like, you sort of kind of get warned about toddlers, teenagers, the terrible two's, etc.

But, no one tells you how absolutely horrifying it is to have an adult child!

Jackson will be 21 in August.

What the what?

Jackson is a good, good man.

He is funny and handsome and smart and motivated and eager to do what is right now and forever.

He sat with Mike and I yesterday for a bit.

Here's what happened:

I found that I am parenting after the fact.

Like, Jackson: Don't do anything I did for 42 years!!!

So, Mike and I talked about some of our conversations, issues, events.

We talked him through the strengths of our relationship and what we find to be the solid foundation we have.

We talked to him about how we worked through issues that have been difficult.

Like, conflict resolution.

Raise your hand if you were literally never shown how to resolve conflict as a child!!!

Like, you saw or heard arguments and then it was just somehow magically "ok" and you had no idea how to process that.

We talked about communication.

We talked about our most sacred time - at night, laying in bed, TALKING.

Laughing,

Crying,

Being.

Discussing everything about everything.

Being vulnerable.

And how important that is for us and how we do hold that time very sacred.

Then, this.

Mike had him watch the https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg.

He talked about how most of the time, women don't necessarily want something fixed.

They want compassion and empathy and to be heard.

Mike is a fixer.

We discussed an incident that happened last Monday.

T said I was behaving like a toddler.

I was.

That is not inaccurate.

Mike had NO clue what was actually wrong with me.

For a minute, neither did I.

He wanted to fix it.

In fact, he had no idea what to be empathetic with or compassionate about because he had no idea what in the actual hell was wrong.

But, he talked to Jackson about this concept.

As females - generally - we want to be heard, empathized with and shown love.

Generally, men want to fix things.

We also talked to him about this:

If we would have, in fact, started dating at all while he was living next door to us, it never would have worked out.

Why?

Because we were both in the the deep-down process of fixing and healing ourselves.

I was in therapy three times a week.

He was too.

We were both so committed to working on ourselves, learning about ourselves, becoming better for ourselves, that it would not have worked.

Now, we are both in a position where we are doing all of this together.

We want our children to be happy, healthy, and to have joy.

All we can do now is listen, love, and SHOW them a healthy relationship.

Mother's Day Weekend

I hope to post about the actual weekend on Monday on my standtallnow.blogspot.com blog.

But, for today, I want to say a few things to preface this weekend.

Dear WOMEN:

This can be a hard weekend.

For moms.

For women who are moms, but who don't physically have their children on earth with them.

For women who gave their babies up for adoption.

For women who have tried and tried to have children, but cannot.

For women who are not close to their mothers or to their children.

For women who chose not to be mothers, and feel judged on this holiday.

It is also a beautiful time for some moms.

It's a time of gratitude for the ability to be a mother, or an auntie.

I like to celebrate ALL women on Mother's Day.

I have been buoyed up and supported and loved unconditionally by so many women throughout my life who are not my mother.

Neighbors, friends, teachers, nurses, therapists, co-workers, etc.

My children have been loved and influenced by so many women who are not even related to them, and by some who are.

Grandmothers, adopted grandmothers, aunts, great-aunts, neighbors, friends, co-workers, etc.

For me personally, being a mother is everything to me.

In the midst of my 42 year addiction, this was not always noticeable, and it certainly wasn't portrayed to my children adequately.

Not even close.

Being a mother was all I ever wanted.

I didn't want to be a doctor or a lawyer, a teacher or a businesswoman, a physicist or the president.

I wanted to be a mom.

My four boys are my greatest blessings.

They are rich in knowledge, hard work, resilience, patience, kindness, compassion, comedy, love and courage.

They are each so different, and yet each such warriors!

They are LIFE!

I also get to be a bonus mama.

I have had this opportunity in the past as well.

It's a great challenge, a great trial, and yet one that I adore and learn from everyday.

I get to be an auntie!

I waited a LONG time to be an auntie and there is just nothing in the world like it.

I love my Asher and my Anson infinitely.

I get to be an adopted auntie to my Seth, Anastasia, Jessica and Victoria.

I get to be a mama to our three pups.

The love that is in my heart, and that surrounds me each day is phenomenal and awe-inspiring.

I thank God for these opportunities.

The opportunities to love and be loved.

To all women, thank you!

You are seen.

You are heard.

You are needed.

In every capacity that you fulfill.

Sin

I feel the need to put out a little wee reminder on sinning.

And the act of calling people out on their sins.

And the act of judging people.

And the act of publicly cursing people.

These are money!

Yesterday, I was reading a social media post.

It was posted by a girl that I follow.

I have never met her, but have messaged back and forth with her.

Little background:

She is divorced with three children.

She is pregnant with the child of the man she is dating.

Unexpected.

Isn't most of life?!

She prefaced her words by saying that she feared ridicule, judgement and abandonment when she announced that she was pregnant.

I know those fears well.

Very, very well.

Then, I read the comments.

Most of them were loving, supportive, kind and full of encouragement.

But you've always got those comments by people who feel that they are in a position (a Godly position) to judge, and to judge publicly and to judge harshly.

"Sin is sin. You're sinning."

Allow me, for a moment, to remind people that those comments are ALSO sinning.

Small sins.

Big sins.

There really is no such thing as a big sin and a small sin.

It's all sin.

You are not better than the person you deem as a sinner.

Period.

The worth of the judger is NO greater than the worth of the sinner.

We have been told to LOVE.

Loving does not include judging.

Carry on.

PLEASE Count to Ten

I've said this my whole life...

I have no filter.

I do not think before I speak.

I do much better writing things down because then it is more thought-out and always more appropriate and effective.

My words can be very harsh, unnecessary, ineffective, damaging, and hurtful.

I don't take time to think about my thoughts or feelings or even try to define them and figure them out before I just spew. 

T had a long talk with me about this yesterday.

It is something that I HAVE to work on starting today.

I am making a goal of consciously working on it beginning this morning.

Wish me luck!

Choosing

I've talked about this before, but feel that I should reiterate it today.

Choosing.

We all have agency.

We do, in fact, have the ability to choose.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "You can choose how you feel."

"You can choose your response."
"You can choose not to do that"

The list goes on and on.

This is a friendly-ish reminder that, although in scientific terms, this is true...

We don't know what the ins and outs of other people entail.

We don't know every aspect of their upbringing, education, development, abuse or non-abuse, neglect history, etc.

Those things contribute to the ability to make "correct" choices.

Just simply knowing right from wrong does not enable every single person to make the exact decision that you might feel they should be making.

Be kind.

Feelings, Part 39875

Do you know why I feel so honored to go through my trials?
Because people trust me enough to share theirs with me.

Thank you.

My friend, R, messaged me yesterday.

R is going through some trials.

R is having feelings and emotions and needed to talk about them.

R is struggling to understand why things are happening the way they are, but also is struggling to understand why these feelings and emotions are appearing.

NORMAL.

So, here's what I told R... and what I have to remind myself hourly... sometimes minute by minute.

Don't judge your emotions and your feelings.

Emotions and feelings tell us something.

They are necessary.

They are not dangerous.

They teach us, if we let them.

Judging our feelings or emotions, or trying to talk ourselves out of having them IS dangerous.

By doing so, we are just suppressing them.

For me, picture that symbolic closet that I had been shoving my feelings and emotions into for 42 years.

That closet is going to break open at some point.

Naming our feelings and emotions is important.

It helps me, personally, to feel more in-control of myself.

I feel extremely uncomfortable when I am unable to name my emotions.

Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to figure out what the heck it is I am feeling, T has to be the one to name them for me.

Once we can name them, we can ask ourselves what we can do with them.

Sometimes, we just need to acknowledge how we are feelings.

Validate those feelings and then let it go.

Sometimes, we need to acknowledge, validate and do something with it.
For instance - set up boundaries, get out of a situation, cry, get some rest, go for a walk, write a letter (whether we send it or not), exercise, talk to someone, meditate, check in with a kitchen cabinet person or a therapist, begin therapy, talk to a doctor, etc.

Being sad is valid.

Be sad.

Cry.

Talk to someone you trust.

Write down everything in your head and your heart.

Being angry is valid.

Be mad.

Breathe.

Set up boundaries.

Re-center yourself.

Write down your feelings.

Stay safe.

Feeling betrayed is valid.

I often cry when I feel betrayed.

Don't try to understand why - you never will.

Instead, talk to a trusted person.

Validate yourself.

Set up serious boundaries.

Being joyful is valid.

Smile.

Sing.

Dance.

Show gratitude.

Being tired is valid.

Close your eyes.

Rest.

Meditate.

Stretch your body.

Read a book.

Listen to music.

Don't judge yourself.

Feeling hurt is valid.

Cry.

Be mad.

Write down your feelings.

Don't try to understand and don't judge yourself.

Talk to a trusted person.

Talk to a therapist.

If you don't have a therapist, I suggest everyone at least know of one that they would talk to if needed.

Having a therapist is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of health and understanding.

Attached are some charts that name emotions and feelings.

I find these charts super helpful in my moments of confusion when I can only say that I "feel bad."

Have a trusted person.

If you don't have a trusted person, please get a therapist that you trust and that you are willing to be completely vulnerable with.