#fact

Literally:

My assistants said to me this morning:
"We know why you were put into our lives, Heidi. It's so we can be grateful that our lives are so, darn easy."

I wasn't sure whether I should thank them, cry, curse the ground I walk on, or laugh.

So, I did all of the above.

I STILL pray every morning and every night, offering thanks to God.

I know that He is the only reason why we are still going.

Slow as it may be.

We ARE going.

And we are going forward and that is the direction we ought to be going, so I'm good.

You know what else?
Just in the last month, I have had SO many messages from people who say, "I am going through something so similar and you keep me going."

That is another testament to me that we go through things in our lives often times so that we can help others who are in the same situation.

We really ARE all in this together.

 

Progress

This image is one of my new favorites.

I remember looking at the set of stairs that I was required to climb before I could be released to go home after the stroke.

I remember thinking, "I HAVE to do this. I want to go home to my babies. There is no turning back!"

So, with my physical therapist behind me on the way up and below my on the way down and with Rand on the side of me, cheering me on - I climbed the first flight. 

Then the second...

Then the rest of the 12 flights.

Then, I headed down said 12 flights of stairs.

I could NOT believe I had done it!

But, I did it.

And I look back on those moments now and I am SOOO grateful I never gave up.

The same can be said for now.

I have come a LONG ways.

I didn't look back 2 1/2 weeks ago and beg for things to be different.

I gathered my children, and through tears and shaking and trembling, I told them to raise their heads up.

We prayed.

We prayed some more.

I cried on T.

I cried on Cyd.

I cried non-stop.

But then we got up again and we did what had to be done.

We will look back on this moment right now and we will look at our progress and we will be SO glad we didn't give up!

 

Hard!

I messaged Katryna yesterday morning:

"Is it normal to feel sad and hurt and confused today when I've been feeling days of hope and acceptance?"

Because let's face it, I am still new to this emotion thing and I feel like I'm going backwards.

Yes, it has only been 2 1/2 weeks, but I felt like I was doing SO good.

Then, BOOM.

Sad.

Hurt.

Confused.

Betrayed.

"Broken."

I was getting used to the hopeful and accepted feelings.

But, such is life.

Turns out this is all very normal.

Healthy, even.

At least that's what the professionals say.

But, hard.

Miss Birdie sent me these yesterday.

Someday we just need different things.

Yesterday, I wanted to stay home and cry.

I didn't want to go to the gym.

So, I made sure I went to the gym.

I know I have to keep going; I have to keep trying.

I know that I am not alone.

But, I sure feel lonely.

And... it's all normal.

 

That's My Girl

Multiple times through General Conference last weekend, my favorite scripture was quoted.

It's in the Bible.

It tells us that God can give us peace, nothing like what the world would give us...

REAL peace.

I cannot get enough of this quote.

We do not have to wait to hear "Well Done" from anyone.

Heavenly Father is always, always wanting to smile and say, "That's my girl!"

I have a hard time being "proper" when it comes to praying or speaking.

I am not good with the "thee" and the "thou."

I talk to my Father like He is sitting beside me, or laying on the bathroom floor next to me, or sitting right behind me when I'm in my car crying.

I talk to Him like he is on the treadmill next to me.

So, this quote is exactly how I feel I would hear Him talking to me and I cannot love it enough!

 

Aware

I testify that our Heavenly Father and Mother are aware of us.

They know our needs and, because of that, they will help us perfectly.

I testify that He knows the details of the details of the details.

I testify that His plan is perfect for us.

I testify that He knows long before we know.

I testify that He will help us perfectly.

Jackson gave me a Priesthood blessing last night.

In it, he reminded me of my agency and to use it right.

He also promised me that, if I am worthy, I will be blessed with all things.

After the blessing, I asked him what he thought that meant - how I can be more worthy.

He said, "I guess you'll have to ask Him that."

So, I did.

And, I will continue to.

I believe strongly that we don't have to be completely worthy to receive blessings.

However, in order to receive ALL of the blessings available to us, we must be ready.

And, in order to be ready for some of the, we must be worthy.

I would not have listened, or watched, all of Conference if my life was what it was two weeks ago.

I would have missed out on hearing the voices of leaders speaking to my soul with just the right messages for me.

Heavenly Father knew this.

He knows everything.

Perfectly.

 

Weekly Summarization By Me

Friday.

Welcome to you, Friday!

This is my weekly round-up. 

By me.

1. I didn't run. I DID NOT run. I stayed in. I stayed all-in. 

I felt everything.

All of it.

And, rather than seeking peace or validation or distraction from any humans -

I sought out my Heavenly Father, my therapists, my kitchen cabinet people and I stayed in.

2. Being at the bottom of the human revine gives us the opportunity to enter into holy places with God. There is not a soul on Planet Earth who can bring us peace, who can map out a path for us, who can give us the tangible, physical comfort that God can.

When we are in serious trauma; when we are going through the hardest, most sad, most heart-wrenching times of our life; when we feel broken, shattered, unable to go on; when we cannot see beyond this moment... we have the ability, the very sacred ability to form a relationship with God.

3. Don't forget this feeling. I have done a lot of internal audits over the last two weeks. Some have looked like, "Heidi, you are going to go in this store. You are going to be safe. You are worthy to be here. Your feet are touching the ground.  You are okay." Others have looked like, "Heidi, don't ever lose this spiritual high." While others have looked like, "Heidi. One more breath."

But, all of them have looked like, "Heidi, don't forget this feeling right now. Don't forget that you lived through anger. Don't forget that you cried through sadness. Don't forget that you went to that store and you came out alive. Don't forget that Heavenly Father IS aware of you, He has put in place every single human who you need right now, He loves your boys, He has given you prayer, meditation, scriptures, and peace. Don't forget this peace."

4. I am eating. I have had two nights of sleep that were good. I am exercising my body. I am working. I am cleaning my home. I am doing the things. I have created boundaries for myself and if people don't like them, that's okay. I am not here to create boundaries for them. I am here to create boundaries for me. I am unafraid to share my story. It's ugly. It is an ugly story. But, it is my story and my story is worthy.

 

Therapy

I met with Erica yesterday.

As I've mentioned before, I have two therapists.

Erica is part of my neuro team. Her role is to keep me alive.

Katryna is my other therapist. She moved to Florida last year, but we still text and message. Her role is to keep my salvation in somewhat good standing! :)

Both ladies are no-nonsense, to the point, badass broads!

Both love me.

Both want me to be my very best self.

Therapy is IMPERATIVE.

I truly believe this.

Finding a good match for you is also imperative.

That doesn't mean that you choose someone who is just so happy with you and tells you everything is roses and daisies...

That's what you DON'T want.

But, finding someone who gets you and your soul is so important.

Yesterday, Erica and I talked about anger and my legit fear of it.

We talked about my current anxiety about leaving my house and going anywhere.

We talked about my mama-bearism.

We talked about moving my body.

We discussed ways to get me to sleep. I am REALLY needing sleep.

We talked about holding my head high every time I go anywhere.

We discussed my worth, and the fact that we are not defined by our emotions.

Then, I said I thought three months was too far out, so maybe six weeks.

She started laughing.
"Heidi, we are going back to every two weeks for a while."

And, that's why I love her!