Mental Illness

Mental Illness.

Yesterday, I stopped by the gas station as I always do on my way to the gym.

I got my Diet Coke (44 ounce).

I went to pay for it and my good friend, the cashier man, just looked at me and said:
"I've got problems. I have mental illness. I've tried to cope with it through different methods. Now, I'm stuck in those methods. And people make it worse. They tell me to get over it. They make me feel like I've done something wrong to deserve mental illness. And it's exhausting."

First of all!

How grateful am I that I was the person in that gas station at that moment for him to be able to talk about what was in his mind so big and so dark that he had to get it out.

Second of all!
I thanked him for telling me and I told him that I have mental illness and that it's not something to be embarrassed about or to be ashamed of. I reminded him that most of the people who make him feel differently probably have mental illness as well, but they are putting on a facade to get through their lives.

Third of all!

WHY?!

Why in 2020 are we still acting as if mental illness is some kind of something that no one can talk about?

Why are people with mental illness looked at differently - as if they are less than?

If you don't have mental illness of any kind, you are fortunate.

1 in 4 people have serious mental illness.

1 in 4!!!

I have Depression and Anxiety.

Did I do things in my life to "deserve" that?
Hell no.

I am living with Depression and Anxiety.

I am on medication - have been for 25 years.

I take CBD to supplement the medication.

I see my neuro team at least once a month - this includes counseling.

Let's talk about this!

Be available to those who need to talk about it!

Judge less.

Love more.

It's Okay

I have had a lot of moments lately where I just feel like I am faking it until I make it.

I get home from work and I go to my bed.

I lay there.

The guys at the gym text me to see if I'm coming in.

Usually, it's a no.

I'm freaking exhausted.

Physically, emotionally, mentally.

But, going to the gym is what makes me happy.

And, I'm not doing that as often as I should.

I talked with my therapist yesterday, Katryna.

She is my person.

I texted her and she texted me back.

Thank goodness!

It's okay that I fall apart.

It's okay that I feel very, very weak right now.

There is no timeline for this stuff.

Recovery.

Healing.

No timeline.

I get to take as long as is necessary.

It's time to get back to actual self care...

Gym.

Healthy foods.

Daily Scriptures.

Ultra violet lights.

For real.

But, no timeline.

It's okay.

Self Love

A big portion of my therapy has to do with self love.

If we have self love, and the ability to really see our worth and value, then the idea would be that validation would not be an addiction. 

If I know my own worth;

If I know that I am loved just the way I am;

If I am aware of my value;

Then validation from other humans would cease to be necessary.

For an addict of validation, however, this can be a longer and harder journey than one might think.

It's crazy, isn't it, how I promote and advocate for self love.

Every single day.

I cannot fathom all of my loves not seeing their worth and their value!

But, for me...

As is true for many addicts of different things...

It's much harder to live what I preach.

I love this quote.

I love how simple it makes it sound.

AND, I love how it shows the benefits of self love.

Addiction to validation is the opposite of this quote.

You don't glow because there is no light lit on the inside.

You don't attract the people who you really need or even want in your life.

It's about giving people what they want in return for validation.

When we have self love (and we are not talking arrogance),

We are able to attract those who don't seek anything in return.

Self love is pretty much the bomb dot com.

Balance

Much like "patience" is not normally a word used to describe Yours Truly,

Neither is "balance!"

Neither is "inside voice user."

There's more where that came from, too.

Here is a little example of how I am not so good at balance:

Neighbor of ours moved in.

Nice, nice guy.

Good-looking guy!

Great dad!

Dude has a job, a car, and now a nice house!

Whilst living by us, he was super friendly to the boys and I.

In fact, he asked me out a couple of times.

I ditched him every single time.

And, it was more than once.

One time, he asked me out in front of Kaydon.

Kaydon said to me after we went in the house,"That guy has a had a crush on you for a minute. Forgot to tell ya."
And then he went about his business.

I was like, "Wait, what?"

"Yeah, Ma. He's got a thing for you. We must have forgotten to tell you."

The guy moved because he bought a house a few blocks away.

He invited me over for a house-warming party.

I ditched him that night, too.

Like, A LOT of ditching.

A lot.

There was an Amazon box delivered to his house.

I texted him to tell him.

I told him I could drop it off to him last night on my way home from work.

And, I did.

Nicest guy ever.

Then he said, "What are you doing now?"
"Picking up CBD orders. Dropping off CBD orders."

He asked, "Then what?"

"Then I promised Colton I'd take him to use his gift cards."

He said, "Okay. Dinner tomorrow?"

I said, "Okay."
He then asks, "Are you going to ditch me like you have the other 29 times?"
I mean, it was a fair question.

I told him I wouldn't.

Colton and I were driving to drop off CBD and I told him.

Colton said, "Mommy! Mike is brave! You have literally ditched him like 29 times and he still asks you out!"

True that.

Balance - not my thing.

Since recovery, I've been like anti-dating at all.

Even this nice guy.

Not that we would be dating...

It would just be dinner.

But even little things like that are scary to me.

PS...

He had something come up at work.

So, he is ditching me tonight.

Heidi 29 Poor Unfortunate Soul 1

The Falls

This past weekend, I really felt myself falling...

Falling into the deep end of needing validation.

That is my addiction.

The feeling of needing validation.

The feeling of constantly - every 30 seconds - checking my phone for any sort of text or message or anything that makes me "feel" validated.

Anything.

And then feeling that sinking feeling when there are none.

This is my addiction.

I was able to recognize that this is what I was doing for several hours.

I got up.

Got on my knees.

Asked God to rescue me from my addiction.

Then went and baked breads and cookies in my kitchen.

Listened to Gus play with his toy.

Listened to Colton laugh at a movie upstairs.

Listened to Kaydon come up and down the stairs...

We have 15 stairs... I know it's Kaydon because he only hits about three of them.

And suddenly I knew that my life is validated.

My worth is concrete.

Not going to change.

I don't need to keep looking for it.

It's right here.

Never going anywhere.

My friend sent me this...

What perfect timing.

How many of us are living, in a high-functioning manner with mental health issues?

With addiction.

With anxiety.

With OCD.

With Depression.

With other mental health illnesses?

My doctor once said to me that I am the highest functioning individual he knows with the issues I have.

Thanks?

Or, sorry?

Or, YIKES!

That isn't exactly something we want to hear, right?

Heidi, you've got serious issues but high five for keeping it all going!

It's OK to be broken.

To be scared.

To be sad.

To be angry.

To feel lonely.

To feel lost.

To feel like we may never pull it together.

But, it's also OK to press forward.

To feel those feelings.

It's not okay to judge them.

It's not okay to move them in to the spare bedroom.

It's not okay to define ourselves based on them.

But for crying out loud - feel them.

I know I am on the right path because I can feel what I am doing.

I can see it.

I can hear it.

I can taste it!

And then I have the tools to feel it.

To decide if it's necessary.

And to let it go.

So I don't drown in the deep end.

Take Me to Church

One of my favorite humans sent me a video yesterday.

It was a member of the LDS Church speaking.

He is young-ish, probably in his 20's.

He was talking about how he really wanted to look into the reason why so many members of this faith are choosing to leave, choosing to not believe in it anymore.

It was very compelling.

It was very interesting.

Then, my friend asked for my thoughts.

My friend went through a time a couple of years ago where he became agnostic.

He was a faithful, diligent member of this faith his entire life.

But, began to question things about the Church and really started his journey of faith all over again.

I have mad respect for people who do this.

So often, we believe what our parents and their parents and their parents believed.

We follow what we are told to follow, taught to follow.

And there is nothing inately wrong with that.

However, there is something quite powerful in doing our own spiritual discovery.

What is it that WE believe?
What have WE had actual testimony of?

Personally, I struggle with the church aspect of my faith.

I struggle with the mortal, people-part of my faith.

Because of personal, very sacred experiences that I have had too many times to count, I have every belief, as surely as I am sitting on my bum typing this, that God is real.

I am His daughter.

Jesus is the Christ.

He atoned for me and for you.

The Holy Ghost is a member of the God Head who is extremely busy.

Prayer is an actual communication line between The Father and us.

He knows us.

He hears us.

He sees us.

He sees and knows far more than we do.

He is always right.

For real.

I know that tithing is a blessing in our lives.

No doubt.

I have a testimony of the Priesthood, and I am perfectly fine with the fact that I don't have Priesthood keys, because I benefit from the Priesthood power just as much as any male on Planet Earth.

Now, I don't know nor understand why black men got the Priesthood keys later than white men.

I don't understand for one minute the entire polygamy thing.

I don't know why really bad things happen to children.

I don't understand the whole pre-mortal, after-life deal - other than I believe that it's a thing, but if I spend time trying to figure it all out in my head, then I'll question it away. 

So, I leave it.

I know that I feel the Spirit of good and comfort when I listen to music and when I listen to the talks of apostles.

I believe that when I do good, I feel the Spirit.

When I don't do good (daily), I feel a negative, empty, scary feeling which is not the Spirit.

I go to church to take the Sacrament and to love on my Primary children. 

Then I go home.

I do my best to ignore the people part of the Church.

There are good people and bad people in all religions.

I don't care what religion you claim to belong to, you are no better or worse than any other human.

We all have the same value and worth.

We are ALL God's children.

Period.

The first two commandments, as I know them, tell us to love God the Eternal Father, and then to love all of His children with the same amount of love.

ALL OF GOD'S CHILDREN.

Not just the ones who do as we think they should.

Not just the ones who belong to the same religion as us.

Not just the ones who look and act like we do.

ALL of them.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

The addict, the single, the divorced, the widowed, the lost, the ones that look different than us, the ones who do have children, the ones who don't.

We are all broken.

We are all His.

Take me to THAT church!

Awww The Good Stuff

I believe that I told you about a direct, incredibly tangible answer to a prayer that took place a couple of months ago.

However, I am going to repeat it.

When I found out that my therapist, Katryna, was moving - I panicked a lot.

A lot.

Not only was she the absolute perfect fit for me when it came to therapy and treatment, there was also a very real connection spiritually with her.

She and I share the same belief in God, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. 

My treatment and recovery, therapy and life-changing skills has been very much spiritual as much as it has been developmental, emotional, mental, and even physical.

I had a sudden and very real fear that I would be losing the spiritual part of it.

The very week that I found out Katryna was leaving, a new couple was announced in Church.

When TR and Amber stood, I gasped out loud.

Now, the people in my congregation know me well enough to know that I'm not exactly reverent. 

I'm sassy and loud and feisty.

But after I gasped, I started to cry.

Sitting there crying after they announce new people in the congregation was probably a bit confusing to those sitting around me.

Nothing new, really.

TR and Amber had been in my recovery group twice before.

TR is a recovering addict.

Amber is his wife, who I kid you not is going straight to Heaven - whatever that is!

STRAIGHT to Goodness!

I remember being so taken by them when they would share in group.

These were my people!

TR is a big guy - very intimidating.

Amber is petite, more quiet - but holy moly does she have things to say!

I fell in love with them right away.

They are very well known in the addiction recovery community around these parts.

They speak in firesides often.

They are outspoken about TR's addiction, recovery, and what the loved ones go through when they are supporting an addict, and then a recovering addict.

And, here they were.

Moving into my neighborhood and my congregation.

Coincidence?

I don't believe in coincidences.

It was a direct answer to my pleas to God.

I spoke to them recently at a function.

I told them that it was probably my fault that they moved into the neighborhood.

They told me that they were taken aback when they found out they would have to move.

They prayed about where they needed to go.

And they knew it was into this neighborhood, but they didn't know why until I told them.

Welcome!!

They are now missionaries, and their role is to facilitate ARP 12-step groups.

Fast forward to this past Sunday...

TR and Amber were sitting on the stand.

Oh my goodness, I have never been more excited to have speakers than I was Sunday.

I couldn't wait for the rest of the congregation to listen to them!!

I smiled the biggest smile ever for the entire 45 minute meeting!

These people are real.

They are as Christ-like as they come.

They both spoke about TR's addiction, and about his recovery -

And not just the physical recovery of remaining clean, but the spiritual recovery...

The one where they realized that God never stopped loving them..

Because that's not a thing, People.

The one where they realized that He loved them all along...

That Church was still for them, that it always had been!

That recovery is so much spiritual, emotional, and mental!

That we have to learn to feel our feelings - they aren't dangerous!

That we are still worthy - our value never changes...

And TR ended his talk by saying this:

Our spirits are strong.

They are stronger than our bodies.

We just need to remember that our Spirit is in control, not our body.

Read that again and again and again.

We ARE our spirits.

We ARE our souls.

We just HAVE a body.

They invited EVERYone to attend ARP meetings.

I cannot agree more.

If you are an addict, attend them.

If you are not sure if you are an addict, attend them.

If you are a loved one of an addict, attend them.

If you don't understand addiction, attend them.

If you think you understand addiction, attend them.

ATTEND THEM.