My Thoughts Today

 In the midst of this pandemic, called COVID-19, the world has changed.

There are storms uprising within each of us.

Change surrounds us.

Every single day.

We have a missionary who was uprooted from his service early, without the ability to either say goodbye to the people he loved in Chile, or to celebrate his service when he arrived home.

He has not yet had the ability to start his schooling.

His life was changed quickly.

We have a high school senior, who is graduating only because of steadiness, hard work, persistence, and effort beyond his own.

He missed out on all senior year activities - dances, recognition ceremonies, and a graduation.

We have not been able to hug our two youngest boys for five weeks.

It will be another week before they are back in our home and we can squeeze them tight.

Our autistic son has had to work hard to get into a routine that is completely out of routine.

No friends.

No school.

No activities.

This is a hard time.

Unprecedented.

There is also fear.

We have medical professionals who are exhausted, unable to go home to their families without washing and changing clothing, working long hours.

We have people who are out of work.

We have businesses that are closing.

We have activities, concerts, conferences, and vacations that have had to be canceled. 

We, in our family, are lucky to say that we don't know anyone personally YET who has died from this virus.

Super lucky.

As I read posts after post on social media, I am in awe (and not it a good way) at the comments and things people are saying.

"Open everything up."
"It's not so bad."
"Masks are ridiculous."

It goes on and on and these three examples are super mild, and even mildly courteous to others I have read.

Here is my thought today:

BE COMPASSIONATE.

We have all been effected in some way by these conditions.

All of us.

But, my goodness, there are people who have died.

Those people died alone, without their family close by to hold them and to help guide them on to their next adventures.

This is not an easy virus.

It is brutal.

Yes, there are MANY illnesses and afflictions out there that cause death and destruction.

In no way am I trying to take away from that.

What I am doing is saying that we can be careful with our words.

I wear a mask when I am out in public because I have the ability to do my part.

How easy is it to wear a mask?

If Kaydon were to get this virus, it would be devastating.

If I were to get this virus, it would be devastating.

Places are closed to help slow the flow of this illness.

It is contagious.

Let's be supportive of those businesses and those rules by following them!

I feel that greed and selfishness have taken over lately.

Stuff is meaningless if we don't have a little empathy and compassion and understanding of those around us.

If this virus has not effected your family, show gratitude.

Heaven knows I want to be back at the gym like two weeks ago.

Heaven knows I miss my lash appointments.

Heaven knows that poor Mike can only paint my finger nails for so long.

SO WHAT!

In the grand scheme of things, those things mean nothing.

Nothing.

Let's show some humanity.

Bad Day, NO Relapse

T received a "call for help" from me last night.

An SOS, so to speak.

It was a FB message that said, "Bad fucking night." "For real." Let's all be grateful that no one ever has to do this night with me again."

Her response, "I'm on the phone with my mom and then I'm calling you. Go sit out in the car and wait for my call. Give me 5 min."

That (I'm crying as I type this) is why T is my person.

She will always be my person.

She has been trained, by Katryna and probably by God, to be my person.

She is a gift.

Here's the story:

When I got home from work, I was in a "bad" place.

Mike came upstairs.

He had dinner in the oven.

He went to hug me and I pretty much ignored him.

He asked me multiple times what was wrong, if I was upset with him, what was going on.

Each time, I responded, "No."

Then, we called the little boys.

I am not going to go into details here, because it's a personal story that really only T and Mike, and probably Colton, know about.

Let's just say, I blew up.

I was now able to articulate that I was "Angry."

Mike asked me to write down my thoughts.

I did, but I was fuming.

Then, T got the message.

When she called, I still hadn't expressed really any emotions to Mike, who had no idea what to do with me, except to love me.

She was on speaker and he was able to listen.

And see my face, and her face.

I told her everything that went on.

She began by saying, "Heidi! I am so proud of you! One year ago, you would have responded to this night very differently." 

In other words, I would have RAN.

AWAY from Mike.

And my children.

RAN.

I didn't.
I stayed in there, in extreme discomfort because I had NO idea what my "bad" feeling was or how to articulate it.

T took a minute to talk to me, and then was able to tell me what it was I was feeling.

She was right.

Mike was hearing this.

Mike then said, "Babe, that's okay! But, it can't be that hard just to come home and say that you're upset but you don't want to talk about it right then."
T stepped in and explained to him that I really don't yet have that ability all the time.

*Later, I told Mike that what I CAN do from now on is to say, "Something is wrong. I don't know what it is. It's not you. But, I don't know what it is."

T talked me through what was happening.

She brought me back from the ledge.

Expressed that with this, I have to let it go and be okay with that.

And, I can be.

She talked to Mike a bit more.

And, we got through a really horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.

And, I never have to do yesterday again.

Guys, Mike loves me.

He is willing to learn this about me and be patient with his.

T loves me.

Just the way I am.

And, she ALWAYS is able to talk me through it with the understanding of my issues and my addiction.

I didn't relapse, meaning I didn't run.

I didn't try to smash my "bad" feelings into that stupid closet.

I experienced them - and so did everyone else! (sorry, guys)

I talked about them once I understood them.

And, we went to bed calmly and safely.

Inspiring Others

There are moments that just stop me in my tracks.

Those moments when someone reaches out, just to say that they think I'm doing a good job.

Or that I inspire them.

Or that I am enough.

No matter what our role is in our daily life:

Parent

Spouse

Child

Employee

Neighbor

Teacher

Human Being

We are on a team.

We ARE a teammate in some way.

We might be a terrible teammate, but we are a teammate.

And, that is important to remember.

When we inspire our teammates - we are succeeding.

Take some moments today just to tell someone on your team (any team) that they are amazing.

That you believe in them.

That you are rooting for their rise.

Then, do it!

Affirmations

Whilst on my daily/nightly walk, I have begun to repeat self affirmations.

My music is blaring in my ears.

My nose is smelling all of the fresh growth.

My feet are pounding the pavement.

My arms are swinging beside me.

My eyes are surveying all of the colors - bright green, pink/purple/lavender/majestic maroon, yellow, lime green, vibrant white...

And, my mouth is yelling to the universe:
"I am beautiful."

"I am brave."
"I am smart."
"I have empathy."
"I am resilient."

"I am strong."

"I am walking by myself."

"I love to laugh."
"I love music."
"I love Spring. And color. And smells."
Then I just keep right on repeating them over and over and over again.

"I deserve to be loved."

"I AM a priority."
"I AM worthy."

"I CAN do things I enjoy."

"I believe in myself."

"My goals are worthwhile and attainable."

"My feelings are valid and they matter."

"I am powerful."
"I am grateful for, and love, my body."

There really is something to repeating daily affirmations out loud to yourself every single dang day.

In fact, it is actually part of recovery.

Almost every recovery program you attend will have you do daily affirmations.

Yes, at first, it feels a little weird.

Looking at yourself in the mirror and talking to yourself.

It's much easier to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Ugh, stop eating ice cream everyday." OR "Your thighs are massive." OR "Your skin is a mess." OR "Is my hair falling out??" OR "Your teeth are crooked." OR "I need botox, a boob job and lip fillers."

Those things come naturally!
We LOVE to point out everything "wrong" with ourselves.

When we turn the table on ourselves and we begin absolutely bathing ourselves in positive affirmations and self-love, it's amazing what that does for us!

The addiction to validation begins to cease, as I realize that I have the power to create validation in my own life and that I don't need the validation of others.

I've got it handled!

Rising

Ali.

You are so right.

Best thing we can do is believe in ourselves.

Believe in our worth.

Believe that it is unchangeable.

Then, live up to that potential every single day.

Anger

I had a moment on Monday night when I felt ANGER.

Almost rage.

I was SO angry.

I immediately went to my past and tried to talk myself out of being angry:

Stop being angry. 

It's dangerous.

Don't be angry.

Pretend like everything is fine.

Make it go away. 

NOW.

Mike and I were talking about it.

Well, I was talking and he was listening.

At the end, he said, "It's okay and very valid to be angry. Just keep talking about it."

He is right.

And then I remembered my treatment and counseling, which is on-going.

I remembered that there is no emotion that is dangerous.

It's natural.

It's OK.

We get to feel it, work through it, decided what (if anything) needs to be done with it, then move forward.

But, never before acknowledging the emotion and allowing yourself to feel it.

Shutting it away is NOT healthy.

My entire life, anger was one of those "bad feelings" that I had.

Because it was "bad," I would try to shove it in that crazy-overfilled closet.

I was a "bad person" for having "bad feelings."

Once I felt it, and talked about it, I slept on it.

The next morning, I went for a five mile walk.

And I worked it out some more.

The goal is NEVER to not feel feelings, including the "bad ones" like anger.

It is to understand it.

Know what it is.

Why you feel it.

Then, choose a healthy way to respond to it.

Where Can I Order??

This.

Is.

What.
I.

Might.

End.

Up.

Needing.

I'd say I'm kidding, but it sure sounds like it could help a few of us!

Oh, the emotions I am having right now.

People, this is for reals!

Last night, I was in not the best mood ever.

I literally took everything personally that was happening in the world.

Late, after taking Kaydon dinner and after eating our dinner and cleaning up our dinner...

I was scrubbing toilets.

That's how BAD it has gotten.

I HATE cleaning bathrooms.

I was scrubbing them with my un-gloved hands!

Mike came in and asked me to go for a walk with him.

I knew it was the best thing I could do right then.

We ended up getting lost in the neighborhood and walking about two miles.

It was the best thing that we could have done right then.

We stopped often so I could smell blossoms on trees. 

We watched families play basketball in their front yards, with a mom landing a three pointer and the entire family cheering.

We had a lady, from her backyard deck, YELL, "HELLO!!! A big social distancing hello!!!"

I think we were the first humans she has seen in weeks.

We talked about projects Mike wants to do... a bench in the little boys' room.

We talked about our new puppy coming.

Kaya is her name.

We talked about how Mike will be working on the flip house tomorrow and riding with this buddies on Sunday.

We talked about the boys - all six of them.

We talked about love and laughter and sassiness and feelings.

It was just what I needed.