Rocky Road

Gosh, I love ice cream.

The title of this post makes me think about ice cream.

And, I LOVE ice cream.

Rocky Road is one of my favorites.

Chocolate with nuts and marshmallows.

Yes, please!

Here's a thing about addiction:

It isn't quick.

As an addict, everything in my life for the last 30 years has been about finding that quick fix.

We've discussed this.

Quick fix = temporary fix = being stuck

I made that up right there.

On the fly.

I didn't want anything that was hard or that took time.

Take my heart surgery for instance.

I was back at work in three days.

Not smart.

Take my hysterectomy for instance.

I was supposed to be out of work for six weeks.

I went back after a week - and got a blood clot whilst at work.

Ohhhhh, this one is a good story!

My boss (male) took me to the doctor.

They got me all up in the stirrups and ready to investigate said blood clot.

He was holding my purse right next to me.

He asked me if I wanted him to stay or walk out.

My boss.

Everyone thought he was my very sweet, very supportive husband.

Yeaaahhhh, I don't really choose sweet, supportive husbands... so, no!

I asked him to leave.

Smart!

My stroke:

The day of my stroke.

Paralyzed.

Can't swallow. Can't talk. Can't move my entire left side. Can't go to the bathroom on my own.

I asked if I could go to work the next day.

I was in the ICU.

I'm all about quick fixes.

Addiction recovery is focused on healing.

In order to heal, we must go back lots of years to find out what we need to heal from.

Then we have to pull that shizz out.

Go through it.

All of it.

Put that shizz in piles of sorts.

Go through it again.

All of it.

This stuff takes time.

And, not fun time.

Not like going to Baskin Robbins for a double scoop of Rocky Road ice cream kind of time.

This is messy.

It's like living in shizz.

Every where.

Shizz every where!

It stinks. 

There is no way to go through this shizz fast.

It's slow.

Methodical.

Painful.

Scary.

Frustrating.

Exhausting.

Embarrassing.

(See how I'm naming feelings there!!)

But we do it anyways.

I learn that I don't NEED a quick fix.

What I NEED is to live in the shizz long enough to give it the time and energy it deserves and then to let it go.

And so I do.

But it still stinks sometimes.

A lot.

Rocky Road is much better than shizz.