Monday, August 19, 2019

What I May Have Missed

School is getting ready to start.
Tomorrow is the day.
My second is struggling with relationship issues.
My youngest is struggling with anxiety on top of Autism.
My third is always going, going, going - trying not to let anything effect him. Ever.
And guess what?
I'm here for all of it.
I'm right here.
In the present.
All up in their personal space like white on rice.
Aware of their feelings.
Aware of their needs.
Aware of their energy.
Mothering.

And it feels SO good.

I struggled SO much with the word "neglect."
I was offended to the MAX on that title.
I was "neglectful."
I was "absent."
I was not being a "good mother."
I wanted to line people up and throat punch each one.
Glove-less.
Forget the four inch gloves.
I wanted to go skin on skin.
They had no idea, I thought.

Once in recovery, I realized quickly that I was the one that had no idea.
I thought I knew what my kids were going through and what their needs were.
I had NO clue.
I thought I knew what their struggles were and what their triumphs were.
Again, no clue.
At all.

T just messaged me after I told her about B's struggles.
She asked one question:
"What if you were in (another state)?"

I have sat and thought on that.
What if I wasn't even here?
And, we are not just talking physically here (although, that's pretty dang important).
What if I wasn't here for them emotionally, mentally, spiritually?
Who would he go to?
Who would he talk to?
Not his mama!

The blessings that come from treatment and recovery are so extra-ordinary -- so all-encompassing that you can hardly contain them.
It's like the Lord has been standing at the door, just waiting and waiting and waiting for me to open it and then He just cannot wait to pour out the gifts that were always mine.
I was just too sick to see them.


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