Walking Out

I haven't quite known how to talk about this, but I know I need to.

I had group on Sunday, as I always do.

I get REALLY excited about group.

Like, giddy about group.

By the end of the week and to start the beginning of the next week, I find so much hope in my journey while sitting amongst addicts just like me.

There is something about being on this journey with others who get it that makes it much more comfortable for me... more hopeful... more encouraging.

I have the best support system EVER.

But to sit with those who really get it, who understand - there is something special about that.

I am always early.

I like to pick my seat in the circle.

I like to get my manual and my highlighter ready and get myself comfortable.

I also like to be there to say "hello" to everyone that comes in.

I feel like that is something I can do right now to make some kind of impact.

Step 12 is service (giving back).

As people began to come in, I recognized all but two of them as regulars.

A lot of people in the 12-step program go from group to group.

I could do that as well, but I like routine and a sense of normalcy.

I recognized one of the couples as a couple who has been there just a couple of times before.

In the past two sessions, she has expressed that she is there to support her husband through his addiction.

I find that to be very brave, very noble and very loving.

She has also always been a very good, very wise, very articulate contributor to the study portion of group.

I have enjoyed learning from her perspective as a loved one of an addict.

Sunday, however, was different.

Perhaps I wasn't in the right mindset.

Perhaps I didn't go in with the same humility.

Perhaps I didn't prepare as I should have for group.

Although, I don't think I did or didn't do anything different...

The study portion was good.

I usually contribute, but I didn't on Sunday. 

I took my turn reading, but didn't offer any further comment or insight.

I just listened.

Then came time for sharing.

I LOVE this part of group.

I love listening and learning and being encouraged by others' struggles and triumphs.

I love how, without saying a word, there is always a sense of each of us rooting for the others rise.

It's a spiritual time in our meetings that I NEED.

Sunday just felt different.

It didn't feel uplifting.

It felt weird.

One person talked about his cousin dying (including the graphic details) and how he felt about that and how he couldn't stop thinking about it and how this and that and the other. At the end of his time, he said, "But I'm doing great!"

Next was the wife I mentioned earlier.

She went about triple the time allotted, which is just fine.

Heaven knows I can talk, too!

She spoke about how she has health problems and pain and irritation and itchiness and discomfort and how the girl at work is having surgery so she has to wait until after the girl has surgery to have her surgery and she doesn't understand why that's the rule and...

You guys - 

I got up and I walked out and I left.

Literally.

I walked out.

I went right to my car and I talked to myself for a hot minute about how that was just not right for me and how I needed to go home.

Then I went home.

Like, I bailed.

Heidi OUT.

I didn't share.

I left.

As the days have come and gone since Sunday, I have thought about how un-Christlike that was!

I acted as if her issues were not worthy of my time or my ears.

I acted as if his graphic story was not for me.

I acted as if my time and my addiction recovery was more valuable than theirs!

I guarantee you I have had many discussions with T that she frankly didn't care about.

But she never walked out on me.

I guarantee that Heavenly Father has often times thought that whatever I am rambling about is not necessary or appropriate or important.

He has never walked out on me.

I guarantee that most of you really don't care about 99% of what I have to say, but you keep coming back.

On Sunday, I will be at group.

I will be there early.

And, as soon as these two people come in I will quietly apologize to them for my selfishness.

Because I am NOT better than them.

My recovery is not more important than theirs.

My time is not more valuable than theirs.

I am so grateful for second and third and one millionth chances.

I need every one of them.

Our worth is not in question.

And, it is not greater or less than anyone else's.