Connecting

Saturday night, we had date night.

We ate ice cream that we have hidden from the children.

We watched Jingle Jangle (highly recommend it!).

And we did it all in our bed.

This is what most of our date nights have looked like this year...

And we love them.

I love this man.

I am so grateful that I feel so connected to him.

I told him this weekend that I really don't like Christmas shopping, or doing any shopping for that matter.

He's on it.

I also expressed my boundaries to him on our way to Thanksgiving at my parent's house.

He has always supported my boundaries and is my advocate when I am falling short of advocating for myself.

This shingles thing has been a bit of a nightmare.

He has my medicine schedule all set up and makes sure that I am on it.

I am just so grateful for him, for our connection moments, and for our adventures to come.

 

Holidays & Boundaries

This is a tough time of year for those who have recently, or even long ago, set boundaries with loved ones and those close to them.

This is a tough time for those who have addictions that effect their ability to not be people-pleasers, regardless of the consequence and outcome.

Holidays can be tough for those who have anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and PTSD.

We don't talk about this part of the holiday season.

We all want so badly for the holiday season to be holly and jolly and merry and joyful.

But, for many people it is not.

And, that's okay.

Below are several images to help, I hope.

And if these don't help, please know this much:
You are not alone.

You may not feel seen or heard or understood, but I can assure you that you are not alone.

It's okay for the holidays to not be a holly, jolly time.

It's okay if you have decided that staying home, by yourself, is the healthiest way to do the holidays!

It's okay if you are choosing to go on a trip all by yourself for the holidays.

It's okay if you choose not to hug those who are expecting hugs.

It's okay if you choose to set a time frame as to when you will arrive, and when you will leave, any holiday celebration you attend.

It's okay if you choose to order Door Dash for the holidays.

It's okay if you cry during the holidays.

It's okay if you are angry, scared, lonely for the holidays.

And, you are not alone.

I am here.

I am one of you.

Your feelings are valid.

I am validating your feelings.

Be kind to yourself.

 

Your Worth is Not Determined By Your Lashes, Heidi

If you know me, you know that I love to preach about worth and value...

How those things are not up for discussion;

They aren't changeable;

They can't be raised and they can't be lowered;

They are concrete.

Unchangeable.

We are ALL born with it.

As children of God, which I believe we are, we were born with our value and our worth.

One more thing, none of us have more value or worth than another.

We are all equal in the value and worth column.

I REALLY believe this...

When it comes to everyone else.

As a recovering addict to validation, believing this myself about myself can be quite a hurdle to climb.

The last few weeks, I have struggled A LOT with thoughts of inadequacy, especially in the image department.

I am 10-15 pounds heavier since I met Mike.

This is probably because I now eat three meals a day.

But, for someone who has had an eating disorder in the past, this is terrifying.

I call myself "disgusting," "fat," "ugly," and "not good enough."

My hair has decided that it wants to "fry" and break off everywhere. 

I will be cutting it into a very short pixy cut tomorrow.

HUGE image change.

My lash extensions all fell out, and with them went my real lashes too.

I originally got extensions because I have a very bad habit of pulling my natural lashes out, then getting eye infections.

Little did I know that they had become part of my self-image.

I went two weeks with no lashes.

Putting medicine on my eyes twice a day.

I have developed SO many wrinkles and deep fine lines.

I even asked Mike if I could get botox.

Mike has never told me "no."

He did this time, and I'm grateful.

My Grandma Robb, to me, was the essence of beauty...

The very definition.

When I think of her outer appearance and what I found to be the most beautiful thing about her, I think of her wrinkles and her fine, deep lines that covered her face.

In fact, this is probably where I get the genetics for these very things that I decided I hate about myself.

Yet, I found her to be the very most stunning woman I have ever seen.

Mike has worked hard with me the last few weeks, reminding me that he thinks I'm beautiful.

He has put positive affirmations up where I can see them.

Annoying.

But, I know from recovery that it is not his loving opinion that can get me out of this plunge into a horrific self-image.

It is mine.

I must be the one to change how I feel.

To remember that I am God's creation.

That is good enough.

And, that my lashes do not determine my worth.

Mike said to me a couple of days ago, "Babe. Your lashes do not determine your worth. You of all people knows that to be true."

He's right.

In moments like this, I remind myself that I am His.

I ask Him to remind me how He feels about me.

I focus on what I do have control over - going to the gym daily, not focusing on social media, not comparing myself or having envy, meditating, thanking my body and my mind for being amazing!

In other news, I have shingles. On my face.

Carry on.

 

#Givethanks

President Nelson, Prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, gave a message last week.

This is the message.

He asked us to flood social media with gratitude, using the hashtag "Give Thanks."

I have enjoyed, SO MUCH, reading post after post after post about things that people I care about deeply are grateful for.

What a change from what I was reading on social media prior to this challenge.

I am thankful for a Prophet of God.

I believe President Nelson to be a man called of God, who loves ALL of God's children.

I believe that gratitude, and the expression of it, is Godly and can change the world.

I am grateful for this challenge and for all who are participating!

 

This.

I am going to assume that every one of us can relate to this.

Can't we?

How many times have we laid our heads some place, i.e. the bathroom floor, the steering wheel of a car, the kitchen counter, our pillow, and cried tears of agonizing proportions?

Knowing, just KNOWING that tomorrow couldn't possibly come because our personal world had ended.

How many times have we not wanted the world to go on tomorrow because we could not imagine living with such pain another day?

But it did.

It did come.

And, we did go forward.

This has been a strange year, but even stranger is that it hasn't seemed that strange to my children and I.

It's like just another year of trials, you know?

Is that a good thing?

Perhaps.

Because has much as people who I shouldn't trust because I don't even know them are saying that our world is crumbling and we are all going down some tunnel of disaster...

We've seen all of that before in our personal lives.

And each and every time, we chose to get up again the next morning.

Almost three years ago was the stroke.

I remember the second night in the ICU finally sort of understanding what was happening and crying all.night.long.

Sobbing.

Just wanting someone to pull the dang plug.

There was just no possible way I could go on like this.

What a burden I was!

A very smart nurse said to me, "Get it all out. Feel it all right now because tomorrow, you're going to wake up and start working to get better."

She continued: "Your job is to FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT."

She always said those words in threes.

As I was rolled out of the ICU to be transported to a different hospital, she stood in the hallway with tears running down her face repeating those three words.

And fight fight fight is what we do, isn't it?

We let ourselves feel all the things.

We validate those feelings.

We appreciate those feelings.

Then, we get up the next morning and fight fight fight.

 

Emotionally Drained Checklist

This is a really good list to go by.

Why do you feel burned out?

The key to helping yourself is trying to understand why it's happening in the first place.

 

Self-Validation As A Validation Addict

I took these pictures last night.

The reasoning is multi-fold.

As you might know, I've been getting eyelash extensions for three years now.

I began getting them because I have a very bad nervous habit of pulling my real eyelashes out.

This has caused repeated infections.

With the extensions on, I don't pull on them.

I allowed a new girl to put extensions on a couple of weeks ago.

It went less than good.

When I brushed through them, they all came out - many with my natural lashes.

I was less than happy.

I called my girl and she got me in last Saturday.

Well, there was no way she could put extensions on what I had left.

So, I have been using some medicine and hope to get extensions put back on next week.

In the meantime, I am struggling with my addiction to validation.

The difference this time is that I am struggling not with needing outside validation, but I am struggling with self-validation.

I have realized that my lash extensions became a bit of an image thing for me.

Now, this isn't terrible.

It is just something that I need to be aware of.

Then, there's the wrinkles.

And the fine lines.

And the aging.

It's all having some sort of mental effect on me.

Only I can nip that in the bud.

So, this is what I am doing:

1. I am thanking my body every chance I get. When I'm on the treadmill, I take several minutes to thank every body part. My feet, my legs, my knees, my core, my hips, my toes, my swinging arms, my fingers, my mind.

2. I take time throughout the day to ask myself what I see, what I hear, what I smell and feel.

3. I remind myself that I have given birth four times. 

4. I remind myself that I am God's creation. Literally His creation. 

5. And I move on.

 

Morning Mindfulness

MindFUL vs. MindFULL.

I recently listened to a podcast with Matthew McConaughey.

He has written a book, which I've got to get my hands on!

The host of the podcast asked him what he finds he NEEDS to do each day to stay on-point.

Matthew thought about it for a minute.

Then he said things like:

Exercise

Be present with his family

Eat good food

...

Then he said this:

I wake up every morning and I give myself up to ten minutes before I get out of bed.

I take that time and I go over my day in my mind.

I tell myself what NEEDS to be done, what is important, how I expect myself to behave...

I really felt that.

Ever since that day, I have done the same.

When I wake up, I stay in bed for a minute and I go over my day in my head.

I tell myself that I am going to be patient and understanding; I am going to go to the gym to reward my body for a job well done; I am going to be more present with my family; I am going to tell my husband how thankful I am for him; I am going to not cuss...

Whatever it is for that day that I feel is important.

It has done wonders for my overall days!!

I love the visual of mindfulness versus mindfullness.

It is easy to have our minds be full of stuff.

But, to be present and to be aware of what we need in that moment is a gift.

 

Dealing with a Narcissist

1. Speak up

2. Create boundaries

3. Expect pushback

4. Remember the truth of who they are

5. Demand action

6. Recognize when you need help

7. Get a support system

When to move on:

(This is very important. There is an addiction called co-dependency. When in a relationship with a narcissist, you tend to put all of your focus and attention on the narcissist and making them happy. You lose yourself in that. Thus - support system!)

1. Name calling, insults

2. Public humiliation

3. Jealousy and accusations

4. Yelling, threatening

5. You are being manipulated and controlled

6. Your mental and physical health has been affected

7. You feel isolated

This isn't something that just goes away.

When demanding action, that means ACTION... not just promises.

The person with NPD probably needs mental health help.

 

Narcissism Traits

These are a few of the traits of narcissism.

Please note that the image below shows a male.

Women can also have this personality disorder.

A few of the traits I want to point out are:

* Exaggerating self abilities (believing they can do it better than anyone)

* Craving admiration (this can create a Martyr Syndrome as well)

* Exploiting, or lying, about others

* Lacking empathy (this is a BIG one)

* Exerting control over everything

* Craves attention and validation

There is also two different kinds of narcissist.

Covert and Overt.

Covert narcissists are only different from overt (more obvious) narcissists in that they tend to be more introverted. The overt narcissist is easily identified because they tend to be loud, arrogant, and insensitive to the needs of others and always thirsty for compliments.1

Their behaviors can be easily observed by others and tend to show up as "big" in a room. When we think of an overt narcissist, we could say they demonstrate more extroverted behaviors in their interactions with others.

Researcher and author Craig Malkin, PhD suggests that the term "covert" can be misleading. In his work he states that the term covert is often used to suggest that the covert narcissist is sneaky or that their strive for importance is not as significant as an overt (more extroverted) narcissist. In fact, he reports, the traits of the overt narcissist and the covert narcissist are the same.

 

Narcissism

I plan to do quite a few posts in the upcoming weeks/months on this topic.

It's a hard one to dive into.

There is a LOT of information on it.

However, it can seem pretty heavy when you really start to research it.

Trust me... it's even heavier when you are dealing with someone who is narcissistic and dealing with them constantly.

So, today I want to start at the beginning and talk about what narcissism is.

Narcissism is a personality disorder.

The actual definition of it is:

A personality disorder. A mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. 

Several studies show that people who are narcissistic know that they are narcissistic.

The causes of this personality disorder include the following:

* Insensitive parenting

* Over praising and excessive pampering. 

* Unpredictable care

* Excessive criticism

* Abuse

* Trauma

* Extremely high expectations being placed on them

People who have narcissism in their family history are far more likely to develop this disorder.

Narcissism can be detected in children as early as 8 years of age.

More to come...

 

Disagreement

Rough times.

People seem to think that it isn't allowable to have people disagree with their opinions.

It actually is.

It's actually healthy and necessary.

We aren't supposed to all think alike.

We have agency, and so does everyone else.

What we aren't supposed to do is disrespect, act combatively, lie, threaten, slander..

We can disagree in the most respectful ways.

With kindness and love.

We can simply say we don't agree, but we sure love the person.

Or how about this:

Just don't respond AT ALL.

 

Warriors

I'm a whole lotta both every single day.

I've started some new practices to encourage great days within myself.

One: before I get out of bed in the morning, I have a conversation with myself OUT LOUD.

I tell myself that I'm worth it, then I discuss with myself what my goals are for the day. 

Example: I am going to drink at least three containers of water; I am going to be patient with idiots; I am going to actively love my husband today; I am going to smile at everyone I look at today.

Two: I turn the radio in my car off on my way home from work. I take that time to decompress and talk myself through feelings or emotions I am having before I get home.

Three: I follow impressions I have.

 

Gratitude

I am doing my best to find ways to find joy during a really difficult time in our world.

There is SO much to find stressful and chaotic and hard.

I have always loved November.

Football.

Turkey.

The smells.

Starting to decorate for the winter holidays.

And, gratitude.

We seem to be more willing to schedule in gratitude.

I am laminating this and posting it on our fridge tonight.

I hope that my family will feel the spirit of gratitude and giving.

 And, I'm starting now.

#1: I am so grateful that my body works as I ask it to; that my brain and my body are in synch.

#2: I find the view from Fairfield Drive in Layton of the Great Salt Lake to be one of the most stunning things I've ever seen.

#3: I love "Where Are You Christmas?" ... and I don't care what people say!

#4: I ran a 5K. It was a goal of mine. I didn't walk one step of it. I came in dead last. Even the people who DID walk it beat me. But, I did it.

#5: My T. Oh, my T. 

Tools

This is a high-anxiety, high-stress time in our world.

Pandemic.

Loss of jobs.

Illness.

Presidential Campaign.

Schools on new and challenging schedules.

Getting used to wearing masks and staying away from loved ones.

Holidays.

Holidays without loved ones.

There is A LOT going on and very little of it do we have any control over at all.

Last night, our Colton was feeling all of the tension.

He was asking us a lot of questions about the election.

We don't have all the answers, but what we did assure him of is that in our home there will always be love and peace and safety and support and assurance.

He seemed okay with that.

We will continue to check in with our kiddos as we navigate these times.

I love this list.

I know that I cannot go too long without really, really focusing on self-care.

Tonight, I will be going to the gym.

Exercise is SO important.

I will sit outside in the sunshine at lunch today.

Vitamin D is critical.

Once I can't sit outside any longer, I will go to the tanning booth at the gym and get it that way.

I will color more.

I am meditating every night before falling asleep.

We have a natural oil diffuser at work.

Keep your space clean and organized.

Breathe.

Do breathing techniques.

Stretch.

Talk to your support system.

We got this!

 

Just Serve

We are enduring, and trying very hard to learn through, a very difficult trial in our lives right now.

I have struggled mightily with how to personally handle this.

As an addict, and thus a runner, I have always tried everything in my power to forget about my feelings and trials by running from them.

As a recovering addict, I am no longer running.

With feelings, at least for me, comes the need to figure out how to handle what is in front of me.

With this particular trial, the feelings are almost daily because the attacks are almost daily.

Last week as I was praying, I was once again speaking to our Father.

I was asking Him what I can possibly do to help to soften hearts and lessen strife.

It came to me very, very clearly - try to serve her.

I spoke with my husband about this impression.

He gave me his full support, as he always does.

He did, however, remind me that it is still within her agency to soften her heart, or to not.

I know this to be true.

I also know that by serving her, I will definitely soften my own.

 

I Love This

I love this so much.

Heavenly Father knows everything, People.

Like, all of it.

He knows the time frames, the bigger pictures.

I have no doubt in my mind that God knew I would be with Mike and that we would be a family of 8.

We were brought together at a time when both of us were in therapy and working so hard for the first times in our lives on ourselves.

We were both working through our entire lives in counseling and were so driven to be our best selves when Mike moved in next door to us.

I was absolutely 100% no questions asked NOT DATING.

Period.

Yet, I had this strange crush on this guy next door.

My boys talked about him.

And liked him.

In fact, it was they who finally had a sit-down, coming to Jesus meeting with me...

"MA! Just go on a date with him. He's a good guy. And the most persistent man EVER."

Nope.

No thanks.

Not doing it.

Then, he moved.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!?!

So, Colton took the lead and gave him my phone number.

Still turned him down like two or three more times.

Until I couldn't turn him down anymore.

We were both in a spot in our lives where we were discovering everything about ourselves and how to be our best selves.

Because of that, our relationship has been built on integrity, knowledge of who we are and what we want to be, a pure love for each other, and all the things that I've always prayed for.

It will all be okay in the end and if it's not okay, it's not the end.

We continue to learn and live and love and laugh and learn more.

We both continue to go to therapy on our own, because our journies will never be over.

We continue to grow and develop into exactly what we are supposed to be.

We are so blessed.