Addiction Recovery - Come Sit With Me

Remember that one 12-step meeting I told you about...

The one where the man was released from jail early Sunday morning and had two choices:

Call his dealer to pick him up or walk to a 12-step meeting.

He chose the walk to a 12-step meeting.

He walked in a bit late.

He walked around the outside of the circle to the only chair available.

This made him the last one to share when sharing time came around.

The words out of his mouth gave me chills:

"I LOVE ADDICTS."

In that moment, I broke the biggest rule of 12-step meeting circles:

Don't share out of turn.

Don't interrupt.

I yelled, "I LOVE ADDICTS, TOO!!!!"

After the facilitators gave me the look, I just took everything in that he said like a sponge.

He went on to talk about how there is zero judgement in these circles.

No one believes that they are above anyone else.

No one looks down upon anyone else.

We are ALL worthy.

We ALL have value.

We are ALL loveable.

We are all welcoming and welcomed.

And, it's true.

If there isn't a chair, every single person in that room stands to find a chair for one person.

You can totally sit with us!!!!

Too often... far too often... people like to use religion to justify their judgements of others, to justify their holiness above others.

Fact: my God doesn't justify it ever.

Everyone is welcome.

Everyone can totally sit with Him.

And until you believe that yourself, you can totally sit with me.

 You got hammered at the bar on Saturday but came to church on Sunday….

You can sit with me, you’re right where you need to be.

You’re a drug addict but came to church on Sunday….

You can sit with me, you’re right where you need to be.

You’re divorced and the last church you attended condemned you for it….

You can sit me, you’re right where you need to be.

You’ve had an abortion and it’s slowly eating away at your heart but you came to church on Sunday….

You can sit with me, you’re right where you need to be.

You’ve been unfaithful to your spouse but came to church on Sunday….

You can sit with me, you’re right where you need to be.

Here’s the thing, people don’t come to church on Sunday for you to sit in the pew and quietly judge them because you feel that you’re somehow better than them.

People come to church because in their deepest, darkest, most painful moments they heard about a man named Jesus that could save their soul and they’d like to know him.

The man that just snorted cocaine off his kitchen table isn’t a bigger sinner than you who told your boss a lie on Monday so you could leave work early.

The woman that had an abortion 10 years ago isn’t a bigger sinner than you who flipped a man off in traffic last week because he cut you off.

The drunk man laying on the bar isn’t a bigger sinner than you who occasionally has too much to drink at home in private.

The woman that just got caught cheating on her husband isn’t a bigger sinner than you who had sex with your now husband before you were married.

Stop judging others because their sin is different than yours.

Addiction Recovery - Just Keep Going

 Friends,

How often does something feel absolutely enormous to you? Like, it's taking over your mind and soon your body feels heavy and weighed down and you can barely breathe? And how often do these "things" (for me, thoughts) even have any truth to them? How often do we literally feel like we are drowning in the untrue stories we are telling ourselves? NOTE: I am not talking about actual, horrendously difficult trials we are going through. Those are different!!! I am talking about thoughts that we have that create stories in our minds that are not even factual...

I had this happen yesterday morning. In one hour's time, I had told myself story after story after story - NONE of which were true. But these narratives that I told myself sure as heck created physical symptoms! They sure took up so much space in my head that I no longer had room for the truth - that I am worthy, that I am lovable, that I am just fine!!

In that hour's time, I did all the things - got up and moved my body, did some grounding exercises, prayed my guts out, wrote all of my thoughts on paper to get them out of my mind, played music, meditated --- ALL the things.

And here's how it went: just fine. I was just fine. In the end, I had self awareness of my imaginary stories that I was creating. I had the ability to go to all of my resources to quiet the stories. I did them. And I was fine.

In fact, in the end I was able to go breath by breath and bring myself back to true self. In the end, I was able to show myself grace. Not immediately, but eventually. Not right away, but after some time.

Focus on what is right in front of you and do that one minute or that one hour. Breathe through that right now emotion. Then tell yourself you did it. Then go to the next emotion or the next thought or the next feeling.

You got this. I promise!!!

Addiction Recovery - Choking Out

Dear Friends,

I did some yard work yesterday with B.

Have you ever heard of morning glory?

"... an aggressive, invasive perennial plant found throughout the west... very different plants, one of the most noxious weeds."

Noxious weed:

"A weed which is considered to be harmful to the environment or animals, especially one which may be the subject of regulations governing attempts to control it... designated as a plant that is injurious to agricultural or horticultural crops, natural habitats or ecosystems, or humans or livestock"

As we were doing yard work (weeding), we discovered SO MUCH morning glory.

These weeds wrap and wrap and wrap themselves around perfectly healthy plants and flowers until they literally choke the life out of them.

I came upon several plants that were dead while the morning glory weed that strangled it was alive and well.

As we pulled these weeds off of the plants and flowers, the plants immediately stood up taller.

They immediately relaxed their flowers.

They looked and acted alive again.

They could breathe.

They could pull in the water from the soil that fed their roots.

They could sun themselves!

I felt badly for my part in this.

I could have been weeding in the spring.

We could have put down special weed killer that would kill the stranglehold of these weeds, yet allow for the growth of the healthy plants.

How can we learn from these noxious weeds in our day-to-day lives?

When the morning glory begin to develop, they actually have really pretty white or purple flowers!

They don't appear to be killers!

They appear beautiful.

What's the harm in just letting it be for a minute?

What is so bad about letting them flower and work as "ground cover?"

So, we forget about them.

We think that everything is fine.

We'll deal with them when they are actually an issue.

Then, it's too late.

The plants are dead.

Take a few minutes and think about how this might relate to you in your personal life, in your personal active recovery...

I'll give you an example in my own life:

I have not been to the gym five days a week for three weeks.

I had an injury that made it impossible.

Then, I was tired.

It's fine to show myself grace and allow myself time to heal from my injury.

But, then we get complacent, don't we?

I get complacent.

I start to feel sluggish.

I begin to not sleep as well.

I begin to feel more stressed out.

All of these things start "popping up" because I'm not taking care of my vitals.

What is it in your life that you can be doing better?

 

Process Addiction - Sit On Your Stool

Take some time and look at these beautiful, powerful pictures.

Story Time:

It took me 42 years to be able to picture myself on a stool like the ones these people are sitting on. I was enough all along but had no idea. Literally no idea.

No idea that I was seen and heard in my true self, even though I wasn't in my true self until I learned what that was within the last couple of years.

No idea I was worthy of love and kindness and appreciation just as I was.

No idea that I was right where I was supposed to be all along.

No idea that I was born for a time such as this.

No idea that the stories and narratives others had been, and continue to, tell about me were on them... not on me.

No idea that I am brave and beautiful and tired and messy and smart and silly and have an immense capacity for empathy and compassion and yet also had the capacity to show that to myself.

Take a minute today to picture yourself on this stool. Hand those things to God that you cannot carry today. Tell yourself OUT LOUD that you love and accept yourself just as you are. Then go right on and shine like a dang diamond.

 

Addiction Recovery - It's Going to Hurt

I have a little reminder for each of you who are stretching and growing and becoming:

It's going to hurt.

It's going to hurt a lot.

It's not going to be super awesome.

It's going to feel heavy.

It's going to feel very lonely at times.

It's going to make you question why and how and if it's worth it.

Let me remind you of another thing or two:

It's SO worth it.

You are never, ever alone.

Just as there is opposition in happiness and joy and goodness and truth, there is also opposition in sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, hurt, anger, fear...

The world NEEDS us to be who we were made to be.

But, we have to figure out what that is!

The finding out part can be hard.

The living in it once we figure that out is pretty awesome.

Reminder number three:

That doesn't just happen.

Step Four:

Inventory

NEVER ENDS.

The initial inventory that we do as part of addiction recovery is HARD.

Once we are self-aware and capable of living in our true self because we know who our true self is and whose we are, we then have to continue to do inventory.

Sucky, right?!

Worth it?

Yup.

Always worth it.

Do the inventory.

Do the road maps.

Do the turns and twists mapping of your life all the time.

This teaches us continually who we are.

What we were made to be.

How to get there.

What not to do in the future.

What TO do in the future.

And one more reminder:

We learn that once we have "repented" of our sins or transgressions, God forgets them.

We learn to say ask forgiveness of those we have hurt as part of our redemptive process.

That includes ourselves.

Once we have gone through the process of self-awareness, learning to believe and rely on the Savior, inventory, etc. we need to forgive ourselves and let it go.

We need to say to ourselves OUT LOUD:
"I love you, Heidi. I love you right where you are. I accept you for who you are right now. I am proud of you, Heidi. You are becoming. You are stretching. You are learning. You are growing."

And keep right on becoming.

 

Addiction Recovery - Magnify Your Calling

I am in the process of being certified as a What Matters Coach.

Becky is THE best coach.

I'm not just saying that because she's my sister from another mister, either.

She is an outstanding teacher.

This weeks coaching lesson is on magnifying your calling.

Let me pause for a minute.

Generally in the LDS culture, the phrase magnifying your calling refers to your church calling.

However, that is not the true meaning.

It doesn't mean doing more or being more or working harder.

It simply means involving the Savior.

That's it.

In everything we do, magnifying your calling refers to involving the Savior - 

Parenting

Coaching

Recovering

I received this message from our Jody yesterday.

This is an example of Kaydon magnifying his calling as a missionary, as a friend, as a human.

We are not expected to do more than we can.

We are simply expected to involve the Savior in what we do.

 

Addiction Recovery - It's Not About Me

I had a triggering weekend.

It was brilliant.

Why?!

Well, for one I was in complete awareness that I was triggered:

Anxious before it even happened.

Scared about what would happen.

Trying to stay in my true self whilst in my false self.

Recognizing that I wouldn't have a lot of control over my boundaries.

Triggered.

I wanted to run.

Away from it.

Far, far away.

Because that's what my subconscious has done for 40 years.

Run, then shove it all into that dang closet.

I was about three miles from where I was going and I called B.

"I want to turn around and go home. I can't do this."

B:
"You are already doing this. This isn't about you. This is about Isis and Kehlani. You have the ability to smile and nod. You have the ability to walk away when you need to. You CAN do this."

Me:

...

B:

"Are you smiling?"

Me"

"Thank you."

Later on in the day...

T:

"How did it go?"

Me:

"I did it. It was really great for Isis and Kehlani."
T:
"I'm so proud of you."

Step One:
Awareness.

Step Two:

Hope.

Step Three: 

Faith

Step One and a Half:

Find your village.

It was never about me.

It was about Isis and Kehlani.

In my true self, I could see that and love that and embrace that.

It took my people to remind me.

 

Addiction Recovery - Own Your Happiness

One of the things that I have learned about flipping the switch is that sometimes it takes actually yelling at myself...

Saying cuss words...

Repeating certain phrases...

Sometimes we have to include the shock factor when it comes to flipping the switch.

I've been shock factoring myself quite a bit for the last two weeks.

And, it's finally working.

*The party is in the process, friends!!

I have been having some pretty amazing conversations with my dang self about happiness and about holding space.

Let me preface this post by talking about something that I'm basically semi-pro at: self-sabotage.

I am determined (and I mean DETERMINED) to hurt myself before anyone else hurts me.

This causes me to CREATE narratives in my mind about ways that people might hurt me, or why they might hurt me, or what is "actually" going on, then I self-sabotage.

I have become very good at this.

Thus, semi-pro.

When I go back through my thought cycle, I always recognize that my thoughts are not facts.

They are created by my emotions and feelings to the actual facts.

But they, themselves, are not facts.

I am literally creating stories in my head that are not true.

Sure, in the moment they feel true to me.

But they are not facts.

Now that I have described my self-awareness, which I am crazy grateful for, I want to let you in on a little conversation I've been repeating with myself:

HEIDI RAE (yup, I'm literally yelling at myself):

It is YOUR job to make YOUR damn self happy.

HEIDI RAE:

It is YOUR job to hold your own space.

HEIDI RAE:

It is YOUR responsibility to manage your emotions and your feelings.

HEIDI RAE:

Hold the boat!!!

You are just fine.

 

Addiction Recovery - VITALS

Are you checking your vitals?

Do you know what to do to help yourself feel better?
Are you SELF AWARE??

I love this visual.

Our body has chemicals in it.

A LOT of chemicals in it.

Our actions can increase, or decrease, the levels of these chemicals.

It's imperative that we are aware of our baseline.

What makes us feel better?
What makes us feel worse?

What can we do to be in our true self?