Thank you, Meghan

I talked about this on my live yesterday.

Thank you, Meghan.

I read People.com frequently.

It is current events, after all.

However, Wednesday you could read about Meghan and her husband, Prince Harry, on every single news outlet there ever was.

People.com had some competition with this story.

The couple released a statement, basically stating that they are pulling back from all senior duties as Royals, and will be playing a different role, with financial independence, etc.

From the beginning of their relationship, it seems, they have done things differently than Royals prior to them.

Meghan is an American.

She is also bi-racial.

Which, People, means NOTHING.

However, from the start, she has been chastised and bullied and ridiculed and defamed in the media outlets.

In a brutal way.

Now, when I first read the statement that they released my thought was:

Wow. She knew who she was marrying. She knew how it was going to be. Now, she needs to put up with what is expected of her.

I then put soap in my mouth and put myself in timeout.

I could not believe that this was my thought.

Who am I to say what she should and should not do?

Who am I to judge what she, and her husband, feel is the safest life for their family?
Who am I to decide their boundaries?

Heidi Rae.
Get it the eff together!

I stopped and I started to feel an immense amount of compassion for these people.

Can you imagine?

Every single thing you do and say or don't do and don't say is not just known in your small circle, but is expected and even required of you to be all over the news...

Where you go, how you get there, what you wear, what you don't wear, how your hair is done, who works for you, where you live, how you look after having a child... it's ALL OVER the international news.

Whether you are at the family Christmas breakfast or church service...

What you ate seven years ago...

I can't.

And, for her husband - who frankly knows nothing else besides being a Royal...

Who lost his Mum years ago in a horrific incident which was predicated by the same amount of bullying and criticizing that is taking place now...

Who is expected to look a certain way, act a certain way, say certain things, and most of all CONFORM to the way things have been for centuries.

I suddenly had so much appreciation for this couple.

They, together as a couple, as a joint force, said, "No more."

Before we are Royals. 

Before we are part of a tradition.

We are humans.

Married.

Raising a child.

In a world that is brutal.

We will do things our way, with the boundaries that WE set, and we thank you for your support.

And, furthermore...

And, really my favorite part:

At no point in the statement, or in the answering of numerous questions, did they apologize.

NEVER.

Not one sentence started with, "We are sorry to disappoint..."

OR

"We are terribly sorry, but..."

It was instead united, confident, to-the-dang-point, and matter-of-fact.

It was articulate.

It was brave.

It was SO brave.

With no sense of apology.

Or disappointment.

Meghan, thank you.

Thank you for teaching me through this example that is far too public that WE have the ability, and even responsibility, to create our own boundaries.

Despite what others will think.

Thank you for reminding me that our story is just that: OUR story.

No one else gets to decide our chapters.

Thank you for reminding me that far too often, I judge, when I am begging others not to do the same to me.

Thank you, Meghan.

Destination Addiction

My Sweet Sara Law posted this today on social media.

I commented, as I do, because I feel that I'm a bit of an expert on addiction.

At least the kind that I have.

As an addict.

My comments were something to the effect of this:

This really IS an addiction.

Addiction isn't just an adjective.

It's an actual thing.

Again, "addiction" is not just a word to describe people who drink a pack of beer and a fifth of Vodka every day. Although, they belong to the club.

It is not just the house at the end of the alley way where people shoot up heroin or meth or snort crack. Although, they belong to the club.

It is not just people who are addicted to their computer or phone screen and the sex that is plastered all over the screen. Although, they belong to the club, too.

It is not just those who overeat or workout in excess or don't eat or clean to an extreme or shower seven times a day. Although, they belong to the same club as those above.

Addiction can be to destination. To the next activity. To the next trip. To the next purchase. To the next season. To the next year. To the next number on the scale. To the next relationship. To the next check.

We all belong to the same club.

Part of recovery and treatment, among SO many other things, is really living in the present and being comfortable with it.

Whether the present is "boring," "mundane," "scary," "lonely..."

We, everyone, need to stop looking forward to something in the future, something up ahead.

Right now.

Right now, where we are, is right where we are supposed to be.

Whether it is good or bad. Scary or exciting. Frustrating or content.

We have something to be grateful for right now.

We have something to learn right now.

We have something to laugh about or cry about or scream about right now.

Today.

This minute.

Such is addiction.

Learning.

Growing.

Errands

I have often told myself throughout life that sometimes we go through trials, not for punishment, but for the ability to help other mortals through their own trials.

That thought process has comforted me through my life.

If I tell myself that my struggles are here in order to benefit someone else, somehow I feel better about them.

I love this quote SO much.

I absolutely adored President Monson.

What a sweet soul He is.

I also hate the feelings and thoughts that this quote brings to my uneasy mind at times...

How many errands has Heavenly Father had to give to someone else because I was not listening to my assignment?

Because I was not in the right head space to hear what He needed me to do and who He needed me to bless...

Because I was busy mudding up my own soul and was too chaotic to be aware that I was needed...

Those are hard thoughts to reconcile!

I have no doubt that so many of my trials and struggles have given me understanding, compassion, empathy, clarity, etc. so that when another soul is in need of help or comfort or solace or advice - I am able to give that in a way that is very personable.

Because I've been there and done that, I am able to listen and offer help where I can.

What a gift!
What a blessing!

Now, to continue to work on always being spiritually and mentally and emotionally available to hear when and where and with whom I am needed.

That's the key to real happiness, I'm pretty sure!

This picture gets me every single time I look at it.

Talk about being on an errand!

Jackson is out with Foster right now, just loving people.

Serving people.

Helping people.

Laughing with people.

Loving people.

But, this picture symbolizes, to me, what it must look like for each of us on our own errands.

So beautiful.

Can We Hurry This Up?!

This quote.

Talk about a struggle for this girl!

"Let it go."

"Don't try to manipulate or force the outcome."

"Trust God to open the right doors at the right time."

Just like:

"Trust in God's timing."

"Your timing is not the same as God's timing."

Patience has never been a virtue of mine, People.

Like, I am positive that I didn't even get sent down the patience conveyor belt.

Totally got skipped.

Like, let's just get to it!

Like, HELLLLLO!!

Can we hurry this up, please??

I was very blessed to have people around me when treatment, counseling, life-changing began to take place who told me that this was not a quick thing.

This was not a sprint.

Life really isn't supposed to be like that.

In fact, it's a marathon that never ends.

We are never not supposed to learn and grow.

However, there is also that human element that tells us that we want to feel better NOW.

We want to have certain feelings NOW.

We want to have voids filled NOW.

We want to have healing NOW.

And sometimes, that's not the way it is supposed to be.

Sometimes, we are SUPPOSED to struggle through it all.

Sometimes, we are SUPPOSED to get the wrong doors so that we really see what the right door looks like.

So, trust.

Just trust.

Or at least do your best!

More Aware

This quote really has nothing to do with this post, but I love it so much!!

I have been adding to my prayers this plea: 

Heavenly Father, please help me to be aware of things that are not for me.

Praying for this has done a lot of things for me:

I am far more aware of others and what their behavior might be telling me.

I am far more aware of others and how their behaviors and beliefs fit in with mine.

I am far more aware of how I, personally, behave in regards to my beliefs.

I am disappointed in myself.

Now, that last line is important.

I do feel disappointment in my actions at times.

That is a GOOD thing!

That means I am aware and learning and going through the very long process of recovery and self-discovery!

It has also brought me to my knees for that very thing - gratitude in my ability to learn and fix.

However, I have noticed some things about myself that are disappointing!

Thus, fixable.

For instance:

Recently I had a conversation with someone.

This person was "surprised" that I had gone to church that day.

When I asked why they would be surprised by that, they asked if I believed in it.

I told them that I did.

They rolled their eyes and said, "It's all a hoax."

I said something out loud about how I was saddened that they wouldn't respect my beliefs, that I respected their opinions, but that I hoped it would be mutual.

Then... I really thought about that conversation.

I felt disrespected by this person's comments.

However, there have been many times where my own actions showed disrespect of my beliefs.

That has been a great lesson to me.

I am so grateful to be more aware of myself and my surroundings and what is okay and what is not okay.

Now... let's talk about addiction, shall we?

I have a co-worker who has been dieting and working out.

This person has lost 65 pounds.

SIXTY FIVE pounds.

That's more than half of me.

They are so pleased with their progress, as they should be!

That is an incredible feat.

I was talking to him about it last week.

He has also been doing the intermittent fasting.

I asked him what he does for workouts.

He said cardio only.

Then he said this:

I don't dare start doing weights again because I don't want to see my weight go up.

I have worked so hard and the last thing I want is to see that number go up.

The red addict flags went up in my head because I'm an addict, therefore I see red flags.

This was a RED flag.

Like fire engine red.

This is how some addictions start.

He will have my sassy self right behind him the whole way, trying to suggest that he stay out of the deep end of addiction to that number, to weight loss, to the scale...

But in the end, it will be up to him to remain in the balanced state and to stay out of the addicted state.

Not One Half

Years ago, I heard an interview with Kelly Clarkson.

It was prior to her marriage.

The interviewer asked her if she was looking for her "other half."

Kelly looked perplexed.

Almost offended by that question.

Her response was this:

"I'm not a half of a person. I'm a whole person all by myself. I don't need anyone to complete me."

I heard what she said.

I remember being almost envious of her response. 

Like, WHOA! How did she get to that point??

Well, I'm there.

I am finally envisioning myself as a complete person. 

I'm not a half or 3/4 of a person.

I don't need anyone to make me a complete human being.

My worth will never increase due to someone else being in my life.

My worth is solid all by my dang self.

It took me a few years, but I'm getting there!

Irrational Addict Attachments

Weird title, I know.

I couldn't think of another way to title this post.

Here's my truth:
As an addict, many of my decisions were irrational.

The decisions I made were made by the addiction.

Read that again.

The decisions I made were made by the addiction.

Yes, they were absolutely made by me.

Heidi.

As we have noted before, addiction takes over agency.

Addicts make decisions based on their addiction - not based on logic or rationality.

As an addict, I just could not handle the idea of losing people.

Remember, my addiction is validation, attachment, connection with humans.

By "losing" people or by choosing not to have someone in my life, I was going against every single thing that my addiction told me to do - have connections with humans.

It was physically painful for me.

I could not be without people.

And, as irrational as it sounds - and it IS irrational - I always had to have a man in my life.

Even when I was being physically abused.

Even when my children were being abused.

Even when they were sleeping with other women - even my friends.

Even when they refused to hold a job.

Even when I was bailing them out of everything - including jail.

If, at any point in time, they told me they cared about me - that was all I needed.

To healthy people - those who are not addicts - this made zero sense.

Looking back, it is certainly irrational and defies logic.

However, I have compassion for myself.

I was addicted to feeling my voids.

I am an addict.

As I continue through recovery, I am learning that this quote is spot-on.

Does that make it easier to battle my addiction?

Some days.

Do I see this to be true?
Absolutely.

My mind is far less foggy from addiction... even though my addiction is not chemical-based, it is still cloudy and foggy due to addiction.

I see that those decisions were not correct.

I see that they were destructive.

I see that they were ridiculous.

However, I choose to show myself grace.

I was way under-developed emotionally.

Does my addiction still try to pull be into the rip currents of validation and the "need" to have connection?
Almost every day.

The difference is that I have tools to stay out of the rip currents altogether.

I pray that all of us who are less-educated on addiction will become educated.

Attend 12-step meetings.

Research addiction.

Understand that even if it might not pertain to you, most people have addictions of some kind - even co-dependency.

The more you know!!