Heidi Rae Coaching - Mindfulness

Beauties!!

I want to talk about my favorite lesson so far - Mindfulness.Mindfulness is about NOT judging ourselves while staying more aware of our thoughts, feelings, and experiences in the present.

"It's natural to try to feel good - and avoid negative emotions like stress, sadness, or fear of missing out. (enter in validation addiction) That's why it's easier to dig into an ice cream sundae (a momentary positive)... The problem is that our emotions are short-lived. And those fleeting good feelings from downing a sundae can quickly sour when we realize we strayed from a goal. And then those negative feelings can once again leave us searching for another temporary positive." Noom

*The ice cream sundae is just an example of a momentary positive that we might seek. It could also be control or a relationship or a drug or spending or whatever.

While our default setting when feeling overwhelmed might be avoidance or running (and not the exercise kind), stress is unavoidable! "Negative" feelings are sometimes unavoidable.

When we are mindful about our present, we are actually protecting ourselves! We are addressing "negative" feelings head-on, working through them rather than avoiding them or running to a momentary positive. "Mindfulness gives us the information we need to change our habits and better handle stressors and other emotions, to face our problems instead of running from them, and to thrive - even if our lives are in chaos!" Noom

"If it's out of your hands, it deserves freedom from your mind too." Ivan Nuru

I love the quote that I attached as well! Mindfulness is HARD when you begin practicing it after living four decades running! But, the practice of it is so worth it. It changes us!

Be aware. Be, be aware!

XOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Acknowledging Stressors

Beauties!

How many of you find yourself being scared of what stresses you out? How many of you just want to pretend like you aren't stressed... "I've never been better," or, "Fake it 'til you make it," or "It's all good!" (I'm raising my hand WITH you!)

Surprise! This is not healthy. We obviously don't want to just wallow in our stressors. We want to acknowledge our stress, define it, tune into it, and do something about it. There are so many ways to do this. When I was learning about mindful meditation while at IMC, healing from my stroke, there was a guided meditation that I loved!

The basic idea was to envision your stressor. For this example, let's say that work is our stressor. I would envision a large sign that said, "WORK." I would imagine that I was sitting at the head of a dinner table. I acknowledged everyone at my table. WORK was there, too. I would then envision myself saying something like, "Hello, WORK. I see you sitting there. I see that you've brought quite a bit of baggage that you've put onto my table. WORK, you are welcome to be here. However, I am no longer going to allow you to take up space that you aren't paying rent for. You can sit there, but you're going to need to take all of that heavy baggage off of my table. I will no longer allow you to take up all of that space." Guided meditation takes practice, and it takes repetition.

I also love this idea:

We are still using the example of work being our stressor.

USE your commute time to acknowledge that work is a stressor, validate your feelings, and flip the switch.

1. Recall: Think of one thing during your work day that made you smile, or that went well. (I do this exercise out loud - yes, I totally talk to myself whilst in the car!)

2. Reflect: Think about YOUR choices during the work day. What choices made it a good day, or a not-so-good day.

3. Consider: (Remember the "Next Time, I will..." exercise?) Consider what you can do differently in the future if a similar thing takes place. Can you disengage with someone? Can you wake up 15 minutes earlier to ensure you are on time? Can you get up and move your body each hour? Can you keep a notebook to write down hard things that are happening during your time, then schedule a venting 15 minutes each day to go over what you wrote down in the notebook?

Exercises like these validate your feelings of stress. These are not going to eliminate stress from your life. Stress is part of life. However, we can work with it rather than pushing it aside and letting it build.

XOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Imposter Syndrome

Hello, Beauties!

Yesterday was my hair appointment. Marlena and I had such a great conversation about this topic. I wanted to share some insights and a few lessons I learned from her!

I've talked a lot about our worth. Yours and Mine. We are born with it. There is nothing that we can do, or not do, to increase or decrease our worth. It just is. Great news, right?!

Well, it's one thing to know that. And I know that. I know that's true. It's another thing to really believe it, and live in it!

As many of you know, I was a single mama of four amazing boys for a long time. It was the five of us. We had beds, a couch, a kitchen table & chairs and makeshift dressers. That was it. And we were SO grateful for every little thing we had!

Nowadays, things are a bit different. I feel like I have imposter syndrome a LOT. This is where our conversation came in.

Here are some examples, and SUCH a good way of keeping ourselves out of imposter syndrome (false self) and in our worth (true self):

Example:

I shouldn't be at this restaurant. These people are rich, wearing brands I've never heard of, drinking wine I've never heard of, driving cars that cost more than three years of my salary...

Ask yourself:

What are the requirements to eat here, Self?

- Ability to pay the bill

That's it. That is the requirement to be able to eat there. You have to be able to pay the bill. End of story.

Example:

B bought me a pair of Sorel boots last year for winter. I wanted to return them right away. I hadn't worn "new" shoes for a very, very long time. Everything I wore, including shoes, were new USED clothes. Second-hand clothes. I saw the price and felt UNworthy and guilty for wearing them!

Ask yourself:

What are the requirements to wear these boots, Self?

- Burke paid for them

- They fit my feet

Done. That's it. Burke wanted me to have a nice, warm, sturdy pair of boots. He wanted to get those for me. I have two feet. The boots fit. He paid for them. End of story.

Example:

I haven't worked out for a minute. I've gained 18 pounds in the last year. I can't go to the gym. (these were actual thoughts I was having about a month ago)

Ask yourself:

What are the requirements for going to the gym?

- Pay for the membership

NO one at the gym cares that you haven't been there for a while. They don't even know. NO one at the gym stops and thinks, "My goodness, for sure that girl has gained 18 pounds!" And who cares if they do?! Everyone at the gym has their own struggles, their own insecurities, their own goals. I paid my membership, so I deserve to be there just as much as everyone else there to paid for theirs.

Beauties, we are worthy to live in our worth. If you are struggling with guilt or imposter syndrome, take a minute to ask yourself what the requirements are for that thing or that place. If you meet the requirements, you're in!

XOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Holiday Check In

Babes!!

It's that time. It's the holidays. How are you doing?

Really, how are you doing? Are you feeling joy and excitement? Are you thrilled to see family & friends? Eat great food? Listen to holly jolly music? Decorate?

Or, are you nervous? Anxious about the get-togethers? Feeling sad? Lonely? Isolated? Will you not be seeing family or friends because of boundaries or because you're not invited or because there is not a seat at the table for you? Are you feeling stress due to expenses? Food? Do the holidays bring tears to your eyes?

Remember a few years ago when my kids were having Thanksgiving dinner with family members and I was not invited so I drove to Wyoming by myself? It was a beautiful drive!

Any feelings you have are valid. All feelings you have are valid. Yes, a lot of people LOVE the holidays. Their food platters look perfectly delicious. Their outfits are coordinated. There is laughter and hugs within the walls of their events. It's magical. Yes, a lot of people don't have any of that. They eat frozen pizza (that rising pizza one is pretty good, actually!). They are by themselves, listening to the football games. They are wearing their yoga pants and oversized hoodies.

No matter what your situation is, I see you. I hear you. I want to send you virtual hugs. I want to root for your rise. You are not alone, even when you feel very lonely.

XOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Success is Not Perfection

Babes!!!

I started an accountability program last week. Hear me out before you judge me! I was always a big girl when I was younger. Then I had four babies in four years and gained 70 pounds with each and every one of them. Literally. In 2010, I had developed an eating disorder which I didn't even realize I had. I was a single mama, trying to keep my children alive and just completely stopped taking care of myself physically (although looking back, I'm not sure I really ever took care of myself). I was admitted to the hospital, weighing 103 pounds. I would not be discharged until I was at 120 pounds. I maintained that weight for over a decade.

Over the last year, or so, I've gained about 18 pounds. Before you roll your eyes or tell me that I'm not fat or tell me that 18 pounds is nothing... it IS something to me because I feel less healthy. I have tried different things: intermittent fasting which I did before, changing my eating habits, etc. Nothing worked. Finally, I paid for a program that is on my phone which makes me accountable for my eating, my movement, my water intake, my mood, my sleep, and it educates me on things like my age, my hormones, my health issues and how this all effects my weight, etc. I am loving it because I am accountable to MYSELF and it gives me that opportunity to SELF-validate!

Anywho, one of the lessons from last week had this quote: "You don't have to be perfect in order to be successful."

I am just obsessed with this quote! When my dad coached baseball, he always said, "Practice does not make perfect; it makes permanent." I always thought that was so weird... now I see how true it is! The lesson went on to say that perfect takes away any chance of action. If we are perfect at something, there is no longer any need for action! We are successful at things hundreds of times a day! I was successful this morning at getting out of bed. (as someone who had a stroke and was completely paralyzed on the left side - that is no small feat!) I was successful at washing my hair, putting makeup on, getting dressed, making my lunch, driving to work, being to work on time, etc. However, my hair does not look perfect. My makeup is never perfect. I went over the speed limit on my way to work - not perfect. You get the picture. I WAS successful, but not perfect. And success is rad!

Striving for perfection discredits our successes! Read that one again. Perfection causes us to lose out, or completely ignore, opportunities. It also causes us to strive for something that we are not even supposed to achieve in this life, so let's calm ourselves down and celebrate every single dang success!!

I'm totally rooting for you!

XOXOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Control

Babes!!

Control, in and of itself, is a process addiction. Control can manifest itself in so many ways, and differently in each person's life. Some people want control over their work; others want control over their body - what they eat and don't eat, what exercise they do and how much, what their body parts look like and what injections and/or surgeries they feel necessary. Some people want control over their spouse or their children; others control their home cleanliness, organization, etc. Control over money is another one...

Validation Addiction also has tendencies toward control. As I was learning to recognize my feelings and emotions, Katryna would have me talk it out with her. Often times, it came down to me feeling like I didn't have any control. And that was so hard for me. Here I was, having spent decades trying to morph into whatever and whoever others wanted me to be... now trying to learn who I was and letting go of the fact that I didn't need anyone else's validation (that I was good enough, completely worth as-is), and I had no control over anything. I think that trying to control something, anything almost replaced that initial addiction of validation.

I have been dissecting me mood over the last couple of weeks. Where is my frustration stemming from? It's lasted longer than 24 hours, Heidi Rae, so let's figure this out! And there it was...

We had our Family Halloween Dinner on Sunday. I had anxiety. A lot of anxiety. I was WAY over-thinking every single detail of the thing... per usual. Dinner was at 3, and everyone knew dinner was at 3. But I knew that people would be asking if we were eating before that. Having everyone in the kitchen while I was trying to get things ready would cause me a lot of stress. Would the three and five year olds be entertained enough? Would the older kids be happy? Would anybody be happy? Would it get too hot in the house? I shouldn't use the oven. What about the stove? I have to use the stove. Would there be enough table space and counter space? I seem to run out of that every month. What about decorating cookies? Would anyone want to? Would the two oldest grandbabies like the aprons I got them? Would they be okay with handing them out to neighbors? Would if people don't like the spaghetti I make? What if they preferred green salad, rather than the caeser I made? What if I should have done garlic bread instead of rolls? What if they wanted strawberry ice cream instead of the chocolate or vanilla I bought? Burke cleaned the bathrooms, but what if they aren't clean enough? What if I didn't mop good enough and the floors look dirty?

**I'm not kidding. This is what is cycling over and over and over through my head. For days. No wonder I had a stroke.**

Here is what I DID do:

* Be proactive. I grabbed protein bars and chips and things we had in the pantry and just set them in the middle of the kitchen table for people to snack on before dinner.

* I had spaghetti sauce AND alfredo sauce for people to choose from.

* I opened windows in the morning to get the house nice and cool, made sure the ceiling fan was on and the box fan. If people wanted to go outside, they could.

* I went to the gym very first thing to make sure I had moved my body! I drank my water. I did my vitals.

Thought work!!

- Who cares if people don't like spaghetti or alfredo, Heidi? This is not Chuck-a-Rama. If they don't want a roll, don't have a roll. Same with the salad. They either like it or they don't. McDonalds is on their way home, Heidi.

- Burke cleaned the bathrooms. They are fine. It's a bathroom, Heidi. It's not Grand America.

- I talked to Burke and told him about my fears. He reminded me that it is not my responsibility to entertain the grandbabies. They have an entire play area downstairs. They have uncles who can play with them. They have amazing parents. He was great about making sure that our #1 being-in-the-kitchen kid (the 14 year old) wasn't in the kitchen, constantly touching me. Burke was (per usual) amazing about everything - helping with grandbabies, letting Jack and Isis rest, making sure the yard was great, being so excited for Kehlani and Aria to wear their aprons (which they loved), making sure the ice cream (which everyone ate) was cleaned up after...

It went fine. Yes, I was cognitively exhausted afterwards. I laid in bed once everyone left. But, it was a good day.

I have to constantly remind myself that being in control does not equal peace or happiness. I have to constantly remind myself that I don't control the traffic, but I can look up and see the sunrise. I don't control what other people think about me or say to me, but I can hang up the phone or walk away. I can't always control what my hair looks like or my body looks like, but I can ALWAYS remind myself that my worth is not up for discussion.

Being aware is key. And, I'm getting pretty good at that. So, bravo Heidi Rae. We got this! One event, one step, one hard thought at a time!

XOXOXOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Grumpy Pants

 Babes!!

What IF you are just a grumpy beast somedays? I find that this is a common occurrence for this Gigi lately! Yesterday was one of those. Let's try to dissect this:

1. I have a beautiful life. Therefore, I feel guilty when I have these days.

2. I have been so, overwhelmingly grumpy lately. No patience. Little empathy. Just really wanting to isolate, but not wanting to isolate. Irritated with very small things. REALLY irritated with bigger things.

3. Guilty for feeling those ways. (see #1)

4. Feeling hurt by some things going on around me that are completely out of my control, and not surprising.

5. Things at work feel very much out out of my control, which I struggle with. They feel unorganized because of this. I don't know from day to day who will be at work, even though the circumstances totally warrant this.

6. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. (see #1)

7. Because of the way that work is, I worry a lot about my brain and cognitive fatigue. Then I worry more. Then I feel guilty about worrying. (see #1)

8. I worry about my kids. They're grown adults. But the worry is different for this mama who raised them by myself. I miss them everyday. Again, the single mama in me. I feel guilty for feeling this way because they are amazing and great and living beautiful lives. (see #1)

9. The sunrise was so incredible this morning, but traffic was backed up and there was no chance I would get to work on time, so I was yelling at other cars from the comfort of my incredible and safe vehicle which I am so grateful for. Then I felt guilty for not just being grateful for everything else around me. (see #1)

10. I get home from work and there are dishes on the table or food left out on the counter or garbage left out and I get irritated and almost angry that "I have to clean it up," which no one has EVER said. Then I decide I better take care of that rather than going to the gym or for a walk and then I'm really mad. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way because we have everything we need, and want, and there is food for the kids and clothes for the kids and a big house for the kids. (see #1)

Time out for a minute:

When I was a single mama, raising my incredible boys, I would be a grumpy beast then too. I was grumpy because we lived in such small places where the four boys always had to share one room. (if only we could live somewhere nicer, I thought). I was grumpy because I was driving a car that I literally prayed every morning would actually get me to and from work. (if only I could have a reliable car, I would think) I was grumpy because I just always wanted to have a full fridge and freezer and pantry for my boys to be able to have whatever they wanted to eat. (if only I could buy snacks for my babies, I would think) I was grumpy because I had to work multiple jobs to be able to barely get by. (if only I only had to work one job, I would think).

Now, I have all of those wishes and I am still grumpy pants at times!!

Moral of the story: our circumstances don't actually determine our attitude! Now, they certainly give us emotions and thoughts. BUT, winning the lottery or being with the "perfect partner" doesn't determine whether or not we are grumpy.

Here's what I am doing right now to change my grumpy panties to big girl panties:

- First of all, bravo Heidi Rae for being aware! Seriously, I am so grateful that I am aware of all of this!

- Second - my vitals. So what if there is stuff out on the kitchen counter when I get home. Mama is going to the gym and Mama is walking for an hour. Period. Yes, we are dealing with the children and reinforcing them cleaning up after themselves. BUT, them not doing that is not making me grumpy pants. Me making their messes my priority in life IS. That's a choice I've made. No more.

I am drinking my daily intake goal of water every single day. My body needs it. My brain needs it. I am getting UV rays one way or the other - sitting outside for 20 minutes or going to a tanning salon. I am talking to God throughout the day, every day. I am intentionally serving others outside my home at least once a week. I am eating what feels good to my body, and I'm getting sleep.

- Third, I am reminding myself to stay out of other people's business. This is ongoing. It requires self-awareness and practice. It is worth it, though.

- Fourth, I am flipping the switch on my thoughts. Example: this morning when I was so irritated with traffic, I stopped myself. "What good is me being irritated going to do? It's not going to make traffic speed up, Sis. It's going to make you grumpy. You have no control over this traffic. Just drive."

Example Two: when I feel hurt by being left out of events that I feel I should actually be invited to because, like, it's "family,"I let myself feel it. It's valid to feel hurt or confused or sad. So, I cry. I let myself sit with those emotions for a day or so, then I move on from them. That doesn't mean it goes away. It usually doesn't. But I am better able to move forward once I've allowed myself to feel them.

Being grumpy pants is not something to beat ourselves up for. It just is. We just don't want to live there. Make sure you are aware of what your vitals are and make sure you're doing them. Make sure that you are aware of your moods and take the time to understand yourself. Show yourself grace.

XOXO

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