It Doesn't Get Easier

First of all, I love Hank Smith.

His quotes are phenomenal.

Always meaningful.

He is a great writer and, I hear, a great teacher as well.

These two quotes are great.

I have some bad news, Friends.

Recovery and Treatment do not get easier.

That sucks the suck out of the suck, I know.

Trust me.

I know!

Sometimes I think that our brains tell us that when we are on "the right path" and when we are "doing what's right," things will get better. They will get easier. They will feel better. 

Ummm... it's not true.

It's not.

Which is one reason why I think that people go back to addictions and behavior that isn't exactly looked upon with a great deal of respect. 

Counseling, and discovery of WHY I have the issues I have, has been HARD.

Like, HARD.

There are moments in my days when I sit still for a minute and I feel like my head and my heart are spinning.

Like, I cannot believe that this is my life.

I cannot believe that this is what I agreed to before this life!

Like, Mama must have been having a lapse in judgement at the time because I can't see why I ever thought this was a good idea!

So, on top of recovery from addiction (which is hard as hell), I am also dealing with emotions and feelings regarding the reasons why.

You know the movie, "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs?"

It's my nephews' favorite.

That poor kiddos has some issues!

He just wants so badly to make his dad proud.

He wants so badly for people to like him.

He goes out of his way to be liked.
To be seen.

To be good at something - anything!!

I relate to him.

He is my person.

Do you know who else is my person?

Pretty much every other human who is not living their best life currently and is more than aware and more than capable of talking about it, rather than hiding it and pretending like I am the only human on this earth with issues.

Those people are my people, too.

Oh, and the kid at the gym on Sunday who was more than on it like a bonnet when I told him that he needed to find the football games on the tv's stat.

He is my person, too.

So Much To Say

You know fourth grade?

The most awesome-sauceless year of my life?

The one where I ripped my homemade, one-piece, tomato-red jumpsuit whilst on the floor in the commons of the elementary school... the one where I fell off the monkey bars whilst trying to do the super-fancy back flip ish thing that all the cool girls did and got a semi-permanent raspberry on my face... the one where I won the cake walk and didn't share one bite of the enormous chocolatey chocolate cake I won... the one where I won a FIXED beauty pageant??

That one.

Yeah, so another story from that same year:

Sean was a boy who was in my same grade.

He also went to my church.

Which was rare.

My brothers, Sean, and I were the only members of our religion in the school.

That didn't help the bullying efforts of every member of the school.

Anywho, Sean.

Sean was a nice boy.

He was very quiet and very shy.

I related to him in that way.

He didn't have any friends.

Another relating-to-Sean fact.

One day, after school Sean saw me walking to the car.

I think it was the car. I've attempted to block out most of my childhood.

He said to me, "Heidi. You are the only person who has ever been nice to me."

I have never forgotten that.

I really was nice to him.

In fact, I have really been nice to most everyone.

Always.

No matter how they treated me.

Sean was always so nice to me.

But, even if you weren't nice to me - I'd be nice to you.

That continues today.

Unless you tell me you don't serve Diet Coke.

Or you are mean to my kids.

Or you are mean to someone else.

Or you steal.

Or you call me names on the phone at work.

I mean, there are always exclusions!

But, for the most part - I'm going to be nice to you no matter how you treat me.

And, that is not okay.

That is what is SO great about 12-step.

Everyone is just like me and Sean in the fourth grade.

Everyone is kind and compassionate and rooting for the rise of everyone - no matter what.

Everyone is so welcoming.

To those of you who feel like you are stuck in ever-increasing negative environments - be it in your family, at work, with your neighbors or your friends - you always have someone.

Even if it is only one person.

Even if it is only the checker at the grocery store.

Even if it is only your friend who lives in another state.

You have someone.

You can do hard things.

I am learning how to have feelings about very close people to me appropriately, without giving up my emotional safety and well-being.

It is HARD.

But, necessary.

And good.

And hard.

And important.

And so hard.

It's okay to break now and then.

That's what lets the light in.

But you keep going.

You keep fighting.

It will be alright in the end.

A Reminder

Your addiction does not define you.

Your character weaknesses do not define you.

Your struggles do not define you.

Your worth is not in question.

There is nothing that you can do to take away your value.

There is nothing that you can't do to take away your value.

Your worth is infinite.

You are seen.

You are loved.

You are not alone.

Even when you are so sure you are - you aren't.

We can do this a lot better if we do this together!

Struggles of Living Clean & Sober

 People don't choose to be addicts.

Of this, I can assure you.

No one wakes up one day and suddenly has dreams of being an addict.

No one creates a vision board full of goals to be addicted.

When they go through the entire classroom on the first day of school and you have to state what you want to be when you grow up, not one kid is going to joyfully say, "I want to be an addict!"

What people DO choose is to run from pain, from heartache, from fear, from sadness, from anger, from anxiety, from abuse, from neglect, from depression...

People choose to numb their feelings.

People choose to not feel.

Whatever it is that is helping to achieve that becomes an addiction.

Addiction takes away agency and VOILA, we have an addict.

The end.

Once in recovery (which, once again, in my opinion needs to be a 12-step program AND intense psycho-therapy), we begin to feel.

We begin to see. With clear minds.

We begin to hear.

We begin to actually understand what pushed us into addiction.

And, now - we are learning to live with all of that.

Without our addiction.

Without our ability to numb the things that hurt.

We are just expected to live it and do live it clean and sober.

There is not a word in the English language to describe how hard this is.

At least I have not found it, and I HAVE found Words with Friends... so I feel like I'm pretty much an English language expert of sorts.

Counseling, for me, is essential.

I sit on that couch every Wednesday and we talk through all of the things that are falling out of the stupid closet.

Then on Sundays, I go to group where I sit with people just like me.

And we listen to one another and we talk about our own situations.

And through it all, we are learning to live without running.

And it is shitty.

Now that I see things as they really are, it sucks.

A lot.

Like a freaking sucky fish in a disgusting tank trying to suck all of the freaking disgust off of the disgusting walls of the tank... pretty sure they're getting poisoned all the while. 

It sucks!

Like, no wonder I was running for 30 years!

So, we keep going.

Sober and clean.

Trekking through like a boss!

Sins

Hello, Friends.

Come in close for this one, Y'all.
It's gonna get all kinds of real all up in here!

I need to make a confession.

I am a comparer.

I have made a habit all of my life of comparing myself to others.

This has been done on many different levels, of course.

I have compared my physical looks to those of others, always finding myself envious of other women's skin, bodies, smiles, teeth, hair, weight, etc.

P.S. this is a bit of a downer for the 'ole self-esteem.

I have compared my situation to those of others, always finding myself envious of other people's financial status, homes, cars, vacations, clothes, etc.

P.S. not an upper for the 'ole self-esteem.

I have also compared my relationship status' to others, always wondering how it is that out of a billion katrillion people in the world, I can't find a one that thinks I'm okay enough.

P.S. this will eventually require you to be on anti-depressants.

However, recently (and as part of my addiction) I began comparing myself to others in different ways.

I would say to myself, "How can other people call ME a bad mother when that woman just a few doors down is in and out of jail and her great-grandma has to raise the kids?" OR "People call ME a bad mother, but my kids are not going door-to-door asking for food like the kids over there." OR "What is their definition of bad mom when I feed my kids, shelter them, go to their medical and school appointments, and do all of this all on my own?"

Alert: Any comparison at all is pride/ego.

It doesn't matter what kind of comparing you're doing. If you're doing it, it's prideful.

However, here is where things are about to get real.

Even more real than they just were.

There are people in my life who love to have conversations about me and everything that is wrong with me simply to be able to do it.

Now, in their minds they might believe that they are just answering questions of others, or updating other family members, or trying to figure out ways to help me...

What they don't realize is that my story is not their story to tell.

If loved ones of addicts want to help, they can come directly to the addict and sit with them and ask what they can do to help.

They can offer to attend meetings with them.

They can offer support verbally.

They can send a card, expressing love.

They can study and research addiction.

There are SO many resources!

I want to give an example of what TO DO:

Sunday night, we were at my mom's house for dinner.

Several extended family members arrived.

My three boys and I were there as well.

My aunt was there from California.

As soon as she walked in, she walked over to me and gave me the biggest hug.

She said nothing about my addiction.

Later, after people were done eating, she came over and sat by me.

She asked me simply, "How are you doing?"

Then, she listened.

Done.

She took the TIME to come to me and ask me how I was.

Then, she listened.

No judgement.

No critique.

No over-talking.

Just listening.

When we left, she was the only one to get up to give me a hug goodbye.

Again, she told me she loved me and to take care.

Our sins are no greater or lesser than any other human being.

Our worth and our value is no greater or lesser than any other human being.

My sins are out there for everyone to see.

I am an addict.

An outspoken addict.

Take just a minute to think about how hard it would be for you to check in with sponsors every single morning, telling them everything that you have and have not done.

Would you be willing/able to do that?

I love addicts.

I Love Addicts

I have so much I want to talk about this week!

Twelve Step Group was really amazing on Sunday.

I love group.

Like, LOVE it.

Those are my people.

There is something to be said for sitting in a room with others who get it, who understand, who are on the same path as you.

There was a new guy in group on Sunday.

He came in a few minutes late.

We had already started, so introductions were completed.

When it came to sharing time, he was one of the last to share.

He began with, "Hey, I'm *P* and I'm a drug addict. I just got out of jail. I was there for a week because I missed a court date..."

He talked about how, while he was in the holding cell waiting for to see the judge, there were about 12-15 other men in the same 8'x9' cell. These were murderers, attempted murderers, armed robbers, etc.

There was a young man in there who was visibly nervous, very emotional... scared to death.

All of these men are shackled. It's super loud and chaotic in the cell.

*P* looked at him and asked him if he wanted him to say a prayer.

The young man said that he would really appreciate it.

*P* began to pray.

The entire cell went silent.

When the prayer was over, it immediately got routy again.

But for that moment, these "hardened" men were respectful of the God that was being prayed to.

*P* then told the group, "I love addicts."

We all kind of giggled.

He continued, "Addicts are some of the most compassionate people there are. Addicts get it. People who are not addicts want to tell us that they get it... but they really don't. Often times those who are not addicts tell addicts to 'just stop. Just knock it off. Just quit it. You're ruining your life and the lives of those around you.'" That's not how addiction works."

And, he's right.

I love addicts, too.

I love sitting in group each week and knowing that these people get it.

We are all on this journey together, doing our BEST every single day to fight a battle in ourselves.

And, when someone relapses (which, FYI, is part of addiction and recovery), there is no judgement in group. None. There is love and support and kindness and understanding and everyone rooting for the rise of everyone else. Literally.

I can't wait for Heidicction Live this week.

I'm going to talk more about this and other things.

I love addicts, too.

All of them.

37 Rules!

As shared on my Heidicction Live last night:

37 Rules to Live By:

1. Make your bed every day, even if it's right before you get in it.

2. You don't have to wear underwear... if you're in an accident they'll just cut your clothes off anyway

3. Travel light through life; only keep what you need

4. It's okay to cry when you're hurt. It's also okay to smash things; but wash your face, clean your mess and get up off the floor when you're done. YOU DON'T BELONG THERE.

5. If you're going to curse, be clever. If you're going to curse in public, know your audience.

6. See out the people and places that resonate with your soul.

7. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

8. 5-second rule. It's just dirt. There are worse things in fast food cheeseburgers.

9. You are a woman. You don't NEED a man.

10. Happiness is NOT a permanent state (nor should it be). Wholeness is. Don't confuse these.

11. If you're staying more than one night, unpack your bag.

12. Never walk through an alley.

13. Be less sugar, more spice, and only as nice as you're able to be without compromising yourself.

14. Can't is a cop-out.

15. Hold your heroes to a high standard. Then be your own hero.

16. If you can't smile with your eyes, don't smile. Insincerity is nothing to aspire to.

17. Never lie to yourself.

18. Your body - your rules.

19. If you have an opinion, you better know why.

20. Practice your passions.

21. Ask for what you want. The worse thing they can say is no.

22. Wish on stars and dandelions, then get to work to make them happen.

23. Stay as sweet as you are.

24. Fall in love often, particularly with ideas, art, music, literature, food and far-off places.

25. Fall hard and forever in love with nothing but your dang self.

26. Say please, thank you, and pardon me whenever the situation warrants it!

27. Reserve "I'm sorry" for when you truly are.

28. Naps are for grown ups too.

29. Question everything - except your own intuition.

30. You have enough. You are enough.

31. You are amazing! Do not ever let anyone ever make you feel you are not. If someone does - walk away. You deserve better.

32. No matter where you are, you can always come home.

33. Be happy and remember your roots. Family is everything.

34. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

35. No one will ever love you more than God does.

36. Be kind. Treat others how you would like to be treated.

37. If in doubt, remember whose daughter you are and straighten that crown and own it like the boss you are!!