More Aware

This quote really has nothing to do with this post, but I love it so much!!

I have been adding to my prayers this plea: 

Heavenly Father, please help me to be aware of things that are not for me.

Praying for this has done a lot of things for me:

I am far more aware of others and what their behavior might be telling me.

I am far more aware of others and how their behaviors and beliefs fit in with mine.

I am far more aware of how I, personally, behave in regards to my beliefs.

I am disappointed in myself.

Now, that last line is important.

I do feel disappointment in my actions at times.

That is a GOOD thing!

That means I am aware and learning and going through the very long process of recovery and self-discovery!

It has also brought me to my knees for that very thing - gratitude in my ability to learn and fix.

However, I have noticed some things about myself that are disappointing!

Thus, fixable.

For instance:

Recently I had a conversation with someone.

This person was "surprised" that I had gone to church that day.

When I asked why they would be surprised by that, they asked if I believed in it.

I told them that I did.

They rolled their eyes and said, "It's all a hoax."

I said something out loud about how I was saddened that they wouldn't respect my beliefs, that I respected their opinions, but that I hoped it would be mutual.

Then... I really thought about that conversation.

I felt disrespected by this person's comments.

However, there have been many times where my own actions showed disrespect of my beliefs.

That has been a great lesson to me.

I am so grateful to be more aware of myself and my surroundings and what is okay and what is not okay.

Now... let's talk about addiction, shall we?

I have a co-worker who has been dieting and working out.

This person has lost 65 pounds.

SIXTY FIVE pounds.

That's more than half of me.

They are so pleased with their progress, as they should be!

That is an incredible feat.

I was talking to him about it last week.

He has also been doing the intermittent fasting.

I asked him what he does for workouts.

He said cardio only.

Then he said this:

I don't dare start doing weights again because I don't want to see my weight go up.

I have worked so hard and the last thing I want is to see that number go up.

The red addict flags went up in my head because I'm an addict, therefore I see red flags.

This was a RED flag.

Like fire engine red.

This is how some addictions start.

He will have my sassy self right behind him the whole way, trying to suggest that he stay out of the deep end of addiction to that number, to weight loss, to the scale...

But in the end, it will be up to him to remain in the balanced state and to stay out of the addicted state.

Not One Half

Years ago, I heard an interview with Kelly Clarkson.

It was prior to her marriage.

The interviewer asked her if she was looking for her "other half."

Kelly looked perplexed.

Almost offended by that question.

Her response was this:

"I'm not a half of a person. I'm a whole person all by myself. I don't need anyone to complete me."

I heard what she said.

I remember being almost envious of her response. 

Like, WHOA! How did she get to that point??

Well, I'm there.

I am finally envisioning myself as a complete person. 

I'm not a half or 3/4 of a person.

I don't need anyone to make me a complete human being.

My worth will never increase due to someone else being in my life.

My worth is solid all by my dang self.

It took me a few years, but I'm getting there!

Irrational Addict Attachments

Weird title, I know.

I couldn't think of another way to title this post.

Here's my truth:
As an addict, many of my decisions were irrational.

The decisions I made were made by the addiction.

Read that again.

The decisions I made were made by the addiction.

Yes, they were absolutely made by me.

Heidi.

As we have noted before, addiction takes over agency.

Addicts make decisions based on their addiction - not based on logic or rationality.

As an addict, I just could not handle the idea of losing people.

Remember, my addiction is validation, attachment, connection with humans.

By "losing" people or by choosing not to have someone in my life, I was going against every single thing that my addiction told me to do - have connections with humans.

It was physically painful for me.

I could not be without people.

And, as irrational as it sounds - and it IS irrational - I always had to have a man in my life.

Even when I was being physically abused.

Even when my children were being abused.

Even when they were sleeping with other women - even my friends.

Even when they refused to hold a job.

Even when I was bailing them out of everything - including jail.

If, at any point in time, they told me they cared about me - that was all I needed.

To healthy people - those who are not addicts - this made zero sense.

Looking back, it is certainly irrational and defies logic.

However, I have compassion for myself.

I was addicted to feeling my voids.

I am an addict.

As I continue through recovery, I am learning that this quote is spot-on.

Does that make it easier to battle my addiction?

Some days.

Do I see this to be true?
Absolutely.

My mind is far less foggy from addiction... even though my addiction is not chemical-based, it is still cloudy and foggy due to addiction.

I see that those decisions were not correct.

I see that they were destructive.

I see that they were ridiculous.

However, I choose to show myself grace.

I was way under-developed emotionally.

Does my addiction still try to pull be into the rip currents of validation and the "need" to have connection?
Almost every day.

The difference is that I have tools to stay out of the rip currents altogether.

I pray that all of us who are less-educated on addiction will become educated.

Attend 12-step meetings.

Research addiction.

Understand that even if it might not pertain to you, most people have addictions of some kind - even co-dependency.

The more you know!!

New Year

I have never been a New Year kinda gal.

Like, it's just another day.

I don't stay up until midnight for all of the hoopla.

I go to sleep at my normal 7 pm-ish and wake up the next day to a new day, a new year...

I've never been a new year's resolution kinda gal, either.

It's always seemed a bit silly to me that we set major goals on one day a year and then forget about them after six weeks, never to return to them.

I've always been a "let's keep going" kinda gal.

I've even been telling people that the last couple of weeks.

I think I've had a change of mind, however.

Isn't it rad how we get to change our mind??

And then say, "Hey! I changed my mind, Yo!"

I do feel very tangibly this New Year's Eve like tomorrow is sort of a clean slate.

Like when they say that you're fresh and new after you're baptized??

Like that.

Except I don't remember feeling fresh and new after I was baptized.

But I have heard that lots of people do feel that way.

I do feel a bit fresh and new today.

I do feel like this new year is a bit of a clean slate.

Much like I felt on June 24, 2019 - the day I began recovery.

I feel like my chalkboard has been not just erased, but like re-painted with that phenomenal chalk paint.

I feel like this year really is like a new start.

At least a newer start.

A start with the lessons learned from the last decade in my mind and heart.

Those lessons are a part of me, after all.

They don't define me, but they do help to make me who I am.

For that, I am grateful.

This fresh decade I am hoping for:

Less hospital stays.

Three more boys graduating from high school.

Continued emotional and mental healing.

More love and laughter in our home.

Will I have any daughter-in-laws in this decade?

Any grand babies?

Will I live in a home, instead of an apartment?

So many things to think about and look forward to!

Happy New Year's Eve, Loves.

Let's do this like a bunch of badasses!

Interventions

One of my favorite people on the planet messaged me on Saturday morning:

Hey. We are getting ready to go do an intervention with my brother. What do you suggest?

First and foremost, I am so grateful that people trust me with these scenerios.

So grateful.

I asked him what the goal was.

He said, "To have him get help."

And right then, my "intervention" of sorts flashed before my eyes.

I would say that I had two interventions.

The first one was absolutely ineffective. 

It was hurtful, threatening, full of anger and accusations.

I left that meeting feeling very rebellious, very unsure of my spiritual beliefs, very upset about the things that were said, and unwilling to listen to anyone who I deemed as knowing nothing.

The second one was very different, and thus eye-opening and started me on the course of therapy and treatment... recovery.

The difference was this:

The first one was a 15 minute meeting. It was with someone whom I had never spoken to. Ever. He was a clergyman - representing my faith and apparently my family.

My family had met with him in secret.

I was threatened with immediately losing my children, told that homes had been found for them. I was threatened with a complete lack of support from anyone and anything within my faith.

I was threatened with the government being involved in removing my children. 

Not once was I asked how I was, what was happening in my life, if I wanted to discuss anything...

I was accused of horrible things and threatened with outcomes.

The second one began after I spoke with my children, their father, my best friend, and our stake president.

My brother was there and expressed his opinions. He was not accusatory; he simply stated his feelings and perceptions.

Our Stake President told me that they would find the resources I needed to get help, and that they would support me through it. 

A therapist and a 12-step group were immediately secured for me. All I had to do was show up.

My best friend and my children were by my side the entire way. 

Through everything.

They still are.

Members of my family have remained very supportive, loving, and caring.

Others have not.

However, here is what I learned about interventions:

1. Have the right people there. This is not a production, People. This is not a "see, you're a failure and we are going to prove it here today." Only those who are completely necessary to have there should be there. Let me be clear: you do not know what you think you might know about your loved one's addiction. If you already have your pre-conceived ideas about who they are, what they are going through and what they need - you should not be there. 

2. Do not be accusatory. Don't threaten. Stand your ground? Yes. But, don't threaten. First of all, the fact that your loved one has an addiction means this - they are no longer able to make choices on their own. Their agency has been taken away by the addiction. Don't argue with the person. Don't raise your voice. 

3. Have a plan. Do you have a treatment center in mind? Do you have resources to a counseling center? A group? What is their insurance like? Are your ideas for treatment just going to put them in further turmoil regarding finances, work, etc.? These are all things that will create chaos and madness in an addict's mind. 

4. Have a prepared statement. Stick to two minutes. Read it. If you love them - tell them you love them! Tell them that you believe in them. Tell them that you, too, are willing to do research and get help if necessary. 

5. If this is a chemical addiction, you have to be really careful about medical care. You can't just throw out all of the alcohol. 

6. Be aware of this: the addiction is not the underlying problem. There is something else involved. Abuse. Neglect. Trauma. Mental illness. Loss. Void. Medical issues.

The alcohol is not the issue. It's the underlying reason why they began drinking alcohol that is the issue. That is the part that needs to be treated.

7. If you don't feel that you can participate in an intervention without becoming defensive, angry, bitter, or making it all about you - don't participate. Please.

The intervention that took place on Saturday went well. He felt loved. He felt supported. He understood. He recognized that he is an addict. (step one)

That was the easy part.

Now, the road to recovery.

Attraction

The law of attraction is the attractive, magnetic power of the Universe that draws similar energies together. It manifests through the power of creation, everywhere and in many ways. Even the law of gravity is part of the law of attraction. This law attracts thoughts, ideas, people, situations and circumstances.

Think about that.

What we do. Who we are. The way that we carry ourselves.

Our goals. Our morals. Our values. 

These things attract like-minded people.

Who we are attracts what we get. 

I'm kind of all kinds of focusing on this right now.

GoalsISH

The new year is upon us next week.

A new year.
A new decade.

Really, though - just another day!

Here's the thing:

I don't like to make new year's resolutions.

An entire year to focus on a goal is too long of a time span for me. 

I need to make goals that are very short-term, then build on them.

Short attention span, I suppose.

Goals are important.

SO important.

They need to be specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time specific.

Write them down.

Also, write down how you are going to accomplish them.

What are the steps?

How will you know if you succeeded?

Is it a goal that you need to work on every day for the rest of your life?

Make sure you make all of this known to yourself.

And, make yourself accountable.

Love yourself.

Reward yourself.

Keep going.

That's the most important part!