My Thoughts Today

 In the midst of this pandemic, called COVID-19, the world has changed.

There are storms uprising within each of us.

Change surrounds us.

Every single day.

We have a missionary who was uprooted from his service early, without the ability to either say goodbye to the people he loved in Chile, or to celebrate his service when he arrived home.

He has not yet had the ability to start his schooling.

His life was changed quickly.

We have a high school senior, who is graduating only because of steadiness, hard work, persistence, and effort beyond his own.

He missed out on all senior year activities - dances, recognition ceremonies, and a graduation.

We have not been able to hug our two youngest boys for five weeks.

It will be another week before they are back in our home and we can squeeze them tight.

Our autistic son has had to work hard to get into a routine that is completely out of routine.

No friends.

No school.

No activities.

This is a hard time.

Unprecedented.

There is also fear.

We have medical professionals who are exhausted, unable to go home to their families without washing and changing clothing, working long hours.

We have people who are out of work.

We have businesses that are closing.

We have activities, concerts, conferences, and vacations that have had to be canceled. 

We, in our family, are lucky to say that we don't know anyone personally YET who has died from this virus.

Super lucky.

As I read posts after post on social media, I am in awe (and not it a good way) at the comments and things people are saying.

"Open everything up."
"It's not so bad."
"Masks are ridiculous."

It goes on and on and these three examples are super mild, and even mildly courteous to others I have read.

Here is my thought today:

BE COMPASSIONATE.

We have all been effected in some way by these conditions.

All of us.

But, my goodness, there are people who have died.

Those people died alone, without their family close by to hold them and to help guide them on to their next adventures.

This is not an easy virus.

It is brutal.

Yes, there are MANY illnesses and afflictions out there that cause death and destruction.

In no way am I trying to take away from that.

What I am doing is saying that we can be careful with our words.

I wear a mask when I am out in public because I have the ability to do my part.

How easy is it to wear a mask?

If Kaydon were to get this virus, it would be devastating.

If I were to get this virus, it would be devastating.

Places are closed to help slow the flow of this illness.

It is contagious.

Let's be supportive of those businesses and those rules by following them!

I feel that greed and selfishness have taken over lately.

Stuff is meaningless if we don't have a little empathy and compassion and understanding of those around us.

If this virus has not effected your family, show gratitude.

Heaven knows I want to be back at the gym like two weeks ago.

Heaven knows I miss my lash appointments.

Heaven knows that poor Mike can only paint my finger nails for so long.

SO WHAT!

In the grand scheme of things, those things mean nothing.

Nothing.

Let's show some humanity.

Bad Day, NO Relapse

T received a "call for help" from me last night.

An SOS, so to speak.

It was a FB message that said, "Bad fucking night." "For real." Let's all be grateful that no one ever has to do this night with me again."

Her response, "I'm on the phone with my mom and then I'm calling you. Go sit out in the car and wait for my call. Give me 5 min."

That (I'm crying as I type this) is why T is my person.

She will always be my person.

She has been trained, by Katryna and probably by God, to be my person.

She is a gift.

Here's the story:

When I got home from work, I was in a "bad" place.

Mike came upstairs.

He had dinner in the oven.

He went to hug me and I pretty much ignored him.

He asked me multiple times what was wrong, if I was upset with him, what was going on.

Each time, I responded, "No."

Then, we called the little boys.

I am not going to go into details here, because it's a personal story that really only T and Mike, and probably Colton, know about.

Let's just say, I blew up.

I was now able to articulate that I was "Angry."

Mike asked me to write down my thoughts.

I did, but I was fuming.

Then, T got the message.

When she called, I still hadn't expressed really any emotions to Mike, who had no idea what to do with me, except to love me.

She was on speaker and he was able to listen.

And see my face, and her face.

I told her everything that went on.

She began by saying, "Heidi! I am so proud of you! One year ago, you would have responded to this night very differently." 

In other words, I would have RAN.

AWAY from Mike.

And my children.

RAN.

I didn't.
I stayed in there, in extreme discomfort because I had NO idea what my "bad" feeling was or how to articulate it.

T took a minute to talk to me, and then was able to tell me what it was I was feeling.

She was right.

Mike was hearing this.

Mike then said, "Babe, that's okay! But, it can't be that hard just to come home and say that you're upset but you don't want to talk about it right then."
T stepped in and explained to him that I really don't yet have that ability all the time.

*Later, I told Mike that what I CAN do from now on is to say, "Something is wrong. I don't know what it is. It's not you. But, I don't know what it is."

T talked me through what was happening.

She brought me back from the ledge.

Expressed that with this, I have to let it go and be okay with that.

And, I can be.

She talked to Mike a bit more.

And, we got through a really horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.

And, I never have to do yesterday again.

Guys, Mike loves me.

He is willing to learn this about me and be patient with his.

T loves me.

Just the way I am.

And, she ALWAYS is able to talk me through it with the understanding of my issues and my addiction.

I didn't relapse, meaning I didn't run.

I didn't try to smash my "bad" feelings into that stupid closet.

I experienced them - and so did everyone else! (sorry, guys)

I talked about them once I understood them.

And, we went to bed calmly and safely.

Inspiring Others

There are moments that just stop me in my tracks.

Those moments when someone reaches out, just to say that they think I'm doing a good job.

Or that I inspire them.

Or that I am enough.

No matter what our role is in our daily life:

Parent

Spouse

Child

Employee

Neighbor

Teacher

Human Being

We are on a team.

We ARE a teammate in some way.

We might be a terrible teammate, but we are a teammate.

And, that is important to remember.

When we inspire our teammates - we are succeeding.

Take some moments today just to tell someone on your team (any team) that they are amazing.

That you believe in them.

That you are rooting for their rise.

Then, do it!

Affirmations

Whilst on my daily/nightly walk, I have begun to repeat self affirmations.

My music is blaring in my ears.

My nose is smelling all of the fresh growth.

My feet are pounding the pavement.

My arms are swinging beside me.

My eyes are surveying all of the colors - bright green, pink/purple/lavender/majestic maroon, yellow, lime green, vibrant white...

And, my mouth is yelling to the universe:
"I am beautiful."

"I am brave."
"I am smart."
"I have empathy."
"I am resilient."

"I am strong."

"I am walking by myself."

"I love to laugh."
"I love music."
"I love Spring. And color. And smells."
Then I just keep right on repeating them over and over and over again.

"I deserve to be loved."

"I AM a priority."
"I AM worthy."

"I CAN do things I enjoy."

"I believe in myself."

"My goals are worthwhile and attainable."

"My feelings are valid and they matter."

"I am powerful."
"I am grateful for, and love, my body."

There really is something to repeating daily affirmations out loud to yourself every single dang day.

In fact, it is actually part of recovery.

Almost every recovery program you attend will have you do daily affirmations.

Yes, at first, it feels a little weird.

Looking at yourself in the mirror and talking to yourself.

It's much easier to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Ugh, stop eating ice cream everyday." OR "Your thighs are massive." OR "Your skin is a mess." OR "Is my hair falling out??" OR "Your teeth are crooked." OR "I need botox, a boob job and lip fillers."

Those things come naturally!
We LOVE to point out everything "wrong" with ourselves.

When we turn the table on ourselves and we begin absolutely bathing ourselves in positive affirmations and self-love, it's amazing what that does for us!

The addiction to validation begins to cease, as I realize that I have the power to create validation in my own life and that I don't need the validation of others.

I've got it handled!

Rising

Ali.

You are so right.

Best thing we can do is believe in ourselves.

Believe in our worth.

Believe that it is unchangeable.

Then, live up to that potential every single day.

Anger

I had a moment on Monday night when I felt ANGER.

Almost rage.

I was SO angry.

I immediately went to my past and tried to talk myself out of being angry:

Stop being angry. 

It's dangerous.

Don't be angry.

Pretend like everything is fine.

Make it go away. 

NOW.

Mike and I were talking about it.

Well, I was talking and he was listening.

At the end, he said, "It's okay and very valid to be angry. Just keep talking about it."

He is right.

And then I remembered my treatment and counseling, which is on-going.

I remembered that there is no emotion that is dangerous.

It's natural.

It's OK.

We get to feel it, work through it, decided what (if anything) needs to be done with it, then move forward.

But, never before acknowledging the emotion and allowing yourself to feel it.

Shutting it away is NOT healthy.

My entire life, anger was one of those "bad feelings" that I had.

Because it was "bad," I would try to shove it in that crazy-overfilled closet.

I was a "bad person" for having "bad feelings."

Once I felt it, and talked about it, I slept on it.

The next morning, I went for a five mile walk.

And I worked it out some more.

The goal is NEVER to not feel feelings, including the "bad ones" like anger.

It is to understand it.

Know what it is.

Why you feel it.

Then, choose a healthy way to respond to it.

Where Can I Order??

This.

Is.

What.
I.

Might.

End.

Up.

Needing.

I'd say I'm kidding, but it sure sounds like it could help a few of us!

Oh, the emotions I am having right now.

People, this is for reals!

Last night, I was in not the best mood ever.

I literally took everything personally that was happening in the world.

Late, after taking Kaydon dinner and after eating our dinner and cleaning up our dinner...

I was scrubbing toilets.

That's how BAD it has gotten.

I HATE cleaning bathrooms.

I was scrubbing them with my un-gloved hands!

Mike came in and asked me to go for a walk with him.

I knew it was the best thing I could do right then.

We ended up getting lost in the neighborhood and walking about two miles.

It was the best thing that we could have done right then.

We stopped often so I could smell blossoms on trees. 

We watched families play basketball in their front yards, with a mom landing a three pointer and the entire family cheering.

We had a lady, from her backyard deck, YELL, "HELLO!!! A big social distancing hello!!!"

I think we were the first humans she has seen in weeks.

We talked about projects Mike wants to do... a bench in the little boys' room.

We talked about our new puppy coming.

Kaya is her name.

We talked about how Mike will be working on the flip house tomorrow and riding with this buddies on Sunday.

We talked about the boys - all six of them.

We talked about love and laughter and sassiness and feelings.

It was just what I needed.

Self Care

I think I have hit my breaking point this week with the COVID-19.

I feel like I have broken.

I know that Mike has felt that negative energy from me as well.

I have not been my optimistic, happy, rooting for my own rise self.

I think I have realized that I really miss my self care routines.

AND IT'S NOT SELFISH.

It's real.

And it's okay.

I miss going to the gym.

The gym is my outlet.

It is also where I go and feel strong, physically.

I miss having lash extensions.

I know that this sounds ridiculous, selfish, greedy...

In fact, I know that it IS actually those things.

However, it is also something that I do for me that makes me FEEL better.

I miss going to my nail family and having my finger nails painted and my arms and legs rubbed and loving on those sweet people.

Last night, we had a date night.

In our bedroom.

We shared a carton of ice cream.

And we talked.

And we laughed.

And I feel better today.

Our usual routine is that Mike cooks and I clean up and take charge of the dishwasher.

It works really well for us.

However, Mike suggested last night that we change things up:

We cook together (which we have done a few times) and he helps with clean up so that we can go for a good walk every night.

This will get me exercising.

I sit for nine hours a day.

He's right.

That's a great idea.

I ordered some magnetic false eye lashes.

I put them on for the first time this morning.

Mike helped with placement.

He is my biggest cheerleader.

I could have actual poop smeared on my face and he would still kiss my face and tell me that I'm amazing.

Having those on makes me FEEL better.

I am not pulling my eyelashes out again.

And, he offered to paint my nails.

This is a hard time because we are out of our routines.

We are trying to find new normals that are manageable.

And in the midst of all of it, we need to be constantly checking in with our feelings and our emotions.

Meditation is extremely important.

Getting good sleep is important.

Expressing how we are feeling is important.

Communicating with our loved ones is important.

You can do this!

End It

 Yesterday was a bit rocky.

And by the time I got home last night, I was bitchy.

That is my description of how I was acting last night.

And, it's accurate.

I was not in my best mood of all time!

I was frustrated with a whole lot of things.

I was tired.

My face and mouth and jaw are hurting still.

I am missing the gym A LOT.

Gus peed in the house.

Kaydon drank all of my drinks.

There is no more ice cream in the house.

People, the list goes on!

Last night as we were falling asleep, Mike said, "I'm glad today is over."

ME TOO!!!!

This morning, I woke up and thought about that.

Yesterday is over.

We never need to do it again.

Today is a new start.

Completely.

I'm grateful for the cleansing rain today.

I'm grateful for fleece leggings today.

I'm thankful for an ice pack on my face and a heating pad on my back today.

I'm thankful for a job today.

I'm thankful for my family today.

I'm thankful for X and Kay at work.

I'm thankful for my T.

I'm thankful for a home to live in and rest in and grow in and laugh in and cry in.

I'm thankful that my boys have a backyard and a shower that works.

I'm thankful that the little boys' bunk beds are arriving today.

I'm thankful for Coke Zero today.

I'm thankful for a car today, even though it leaks when it rains.

I'm thankful for prayer today.

I'm thankful for each of you today.

Release

Yesterday, I went to the dentist.

It was an emergency visit.

I was none to pleased about it!

Once I was able to be fully awake after the laughing gas, I panicked a bit.

The right side of my face was numb.

Down to my throat.

Swallowing was not easy.

PTSD.

I told Mike that I was not liking the feeling of my face being numb and my swallow feeling hard.

He understood.

He said that not everyone has had the same life experiences as me and that it was understandable that I was scared.

He said that this time, it would go back to normal as soon as the medicine wore off.

I knew this to be true.
But, it was still a very, very difficult situation and the emotions were real.

So, I went into meditation mode.

I grounded myself by asking what my feet were touching, where I felt tingling in my body...

Placing one hand on my belly and one on my chest and focusing on my deep breathing...

Touching my fingers...

Asking myself what my eyes saw and what my ears heard...

Then, I released the fears by imagining them in balloons and allowing the balloons to float away.

This is how I release.

Practice. Practice. Practice!

Re-Direction

I posted this quote in the Green HoriZen Family page this morning.

Part of marketing for GH is posting on the affiliate page a few days a week.

As part of the April Newsletter for GH, I recommended a book for a virtual book club of sorts.

The book I chose is regarding network marketing.

And leadership.

I love this quote by the author, Wes Melcher:

This is SO true in every single aspect of our lives!

Not just network marketing!

Being rejected is scary and hurtful and frustrating.

It makes us question ourselves and the current path we are on.

Is it right?
Do I quit?

EVEN when we have had spiritual confirmation that it IS the right thing.

I have had many "conversations" with God in these moments.

It's mostly me crying and yelling and ranting.

Seriously feel bad for Him.

I have questioned my ability to receive personal revelation.

Like, this isn't working out so well People!

This quote says it all!

Rejection is simply an opportunity at re-direction.

And, it's almost always to something better.

So, the next time you feel like you are only seeing rejection in your life -

Take a step back.

Try to open up your view. (this is critical for me)

And see what ways you might be being re-directed.

A Little Love

I got this message from my Tiffni yesterday.

This girl lost her sweet husband a year ago.

I am in awe daily of those who make the time in an age of crisis and exhaustion, concern and fear of the unknown, to send someone a message just because.

I met Tiff at Kohl's when I was working as the store trainer part-time...

Before P quit on my behalf.

Remember that?
Good times!

I get random messages from my B Beck, too.

Just to tell me that she loves me or that she's proud of me.

She is calling herself a "Meacher" right now. (Mom + Teacher)

She was my visiting teacher when I had four babies under the age of four.

We have remained friends ever since.

T, as you all know...

Here come the tears...

This girl is my greatest gift.

Not a day goes by that we don't talk.

About nothing most of the time.

She knows everything there is to know about me and chooses to root for my rise and love me anyways.

Her days are filled with working from home while raising four kiddos, now homeschooling, cooking, cleaning and serving in a pretty heavy calling in her church congregation.

Heavenly Father KNOWS US.

He knows what we need and who we need and when.

There are no coincidences.

Ever.

Our plan is known.

Just so grateful today for all of the love.

A Funny

Brene Brown is complete awesomeness.

But this right here is beyond awesomeness!

It is brilliant.

Listen, not everyone is going to understand you.

Not everyone is going to root for your rise.

Not everyone is going to like you.

Not everyone is going to agree with the choices you make.

And that's OKAY.

It's not anyone else's job to like you.

It's your job.

So don't try to win anyone over.

Just live a true, authentic life.

Don't Break the Brass Chain

This morning, Mr. W said to me:

"Mike is the one. Don't go and break the brass chain."

English, please.

I have always been comfortable with hurt, neglect, abuse and addiction.

That felt comfortable to me because that was what I knew.

My life is very different now.

VERY different.

As I said earlier, my neuropsych told me that the discomfort I felt was due to change.
Change can be uncomfortable.

How sad is it that change from bad things to good things made for some discomfort.

But, it did.

And that's okay.

I have had a couple of moments in the last week when I was so exhausted physically and mentally that I would just start to cry. 

Mike would hold me.

Tell me to talk about all of my feelings.

Then we would discuss what, if anything, could be done with my emotions.

Don't break the brass chain.

Don't push away the amazing things in life to be comfortable.

I LOVE This

Tell your story.

Not to impress anyone.

Not to avoid disappointing anyone.

Tell your story because it's your story.

Listen to other people's stories.

We learn so much when we do this.

I have talked about this with T.

Mike didn't serve a mission, however he has served multiple deployments to Iraq.

When Jackson came home, there were a lot of emotions.

Mike told him about how he experienced some emotions regarding the following:

When he was gone for a year, or longer, he came home a different person. He had experienced things that the people at home had not experienced. The people at home expected that he was coming home the same person... ready to jump right back into life. They were confused as to why he wasn't the same.

Listening to each other's stories, without pushing our agenda onto them, is critically important.

Loving people and supporting people through their current is so great.

You Belong.

One of the messages that I took away from General Conference was that we all belong.

We are all loved.

And we need to love one another.

Period.

Betrayal

This is a tough one.

This is a tough post to write, although not as tough as it would have been last night.

Last night, I sat with Mike and allowed myself time and grace to feel a lot of emotions and to sort through a lot of thoughts that I ten months ago I would have run from.

Fast.

Far.

I recognize that I have been completely transparent and extremely vulnerable throughout my recovery process.

And, I have been very upfront with the fact that once a person is an addict - be it a chemical addiction or a process addiction - recovery never ends.

It is a constant, on-going process.

I also recognize that there are people who don't want to know or try to understand addiction.

I have learned, however, that there are people who claim to be part of your village or your support system or your friendship circle who in reality are betraying you.

And, when you realize that - it hurts deeply.

I asked Mike last night if feeling used and feeling betrayed are the same feeling.

I didn't know and in my mind I could not separate the two.

He said that he feels that you can be betrayed without being used;

But you can't be used without being betrayed.

And that made sense.

I then talked through the meditation that I do with balloons (imaginary).

I talked through my feelings and tried to articulate them.

Of course my go-to is good or bad.

Those are the only feelings I knew until last June.

It felt bad.

I felt hurt.

I felt sad.

I felt confused.

I felt angry.

I felt betrayed AND used.

Those may sound like very simplistic feelings, but I was immensely grateful that I could articulate.

Then, I talked through what I actually had control over.

Hardly anything.

What were my options?

Well, I could talk to this person - confront her.

But what would that do - nothing but add to the pain.

I really didn't have control over what she had said.

In fact, I hadn't even done anything to her that could "warrant" pay-back on her part.

She was just simply choosing to be dishonest (to the extreme).

I cannot choose what other people do.

And so...

I move on.

Forward.

With yet another opportunity to feel my feelings without running.

And that, in and of itself, is a positive.

April's Book

Last month I began a book club, of sorts, for my down line affiliates with GH.

I feel so strongly about personal development.

I feel so strongly about keeping ourselves as healthy as possible at all times.

I love sharing these things with people.

My hope, always, is that it touches at least one person - and I feel like I am always that one person.

Reminders are SO good!

This month's book is, "The Gift of Imperfection." 

It is written by the amazing, wondrous, inspired Brene Brown.

I love her.

Imagine that for a moment:

Imperfection is a gift.

We are all imperfect.

What gifts does that fact carry with it?

This is a quote from the book:

Repeat after me:

LOUDLY!

Not if.

Not when.

We are worthy of love and belonging NOW.

Right this minute.

AS IS.

You Are Gold

As a reminder:

What other people think about you does not matter.

You are gold.

Solid gold.

Their opinions of you do not lessen your value.

At all.