PTSD

Michael served in the Army.

He deployed to Iraq twice.

There are things that happen in war that veterans never talk about, but that never leave their minds.

Last week, Mike was in a very scary vehicle accident.

It could have been fatal.

Last week was very rough and I didn't really know why.

I just knew I didn't ever want to do it again.

Vehicle accidents.

School starting.

Work.

My own anxieties.

Then, Mike not quite acting like my Mike.

It wasn't until Friday that he said to me,
"I think since the accident, I am regressing with my PTSD."

Oh!

Come close for this one...

I've never dealt with PTSD, and certainly not at the level that Mike and all veterans deal with PTSD.

This is a REAL thing, based on REAL life that I will never understand.

I am empathetic and sympathetic.

But, I don't fully understand the feelings he is having.

We talked about getting him back into counseling through the VA.

We talked about how his anxiety is sky-rocketing as well...

I went into hyperactive mode...

I was constantly asking him if he was fine, what he needed. what I could do, what he was thinking, etc.

Like I said, I'd never dealt with this before.

Then, I started researching PTSD and the generalizations on how to help or support someone you love.

Asking 53890 questions per day is actually not recommended.

Weird.

I asked him how he felt about it.

He said that he will talk to me when he is struggling and that it's okay for me to ask, but not every minute.

We are working through times when he feels overwhelmed.

We are working on making sure he has time to process thoughts and feelings.

This is what I'm learning and what WE ALL need to be aware of:

We have NO clue what people are going through right now OR what they have gone through in their past that might explain why someone is acting a certain way.

Those men and women who have gone through war and who are in law enforcement or in fire fighting or in teaching or in whatever...

That is real stuff that causes real changes to our brains.

It's brave and heroic that they continue on with life in such a high-functioning manner.

I love you, Michael.

 

And, I'm the Mom!

And, I'm the mom!!

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

This morning, I asked Mike if we could please never do this week again.

He happily obliged.

Good!

Because I am done!

Two car accidents this week.

One for Mike, one for me.

Mammogram with more testing to come.

Work.

Enough said.

Ethan "swimming" in the bath tub, causing the ability to "swim" on the bathroom floor when all was said and done.

Dogs.

Three of them.

Enough said.

Braxton needing to start physical therapy.

Colton not being so hip on not seeing his SPED team throughout every day.

Listen.

I don't need nasty comments.

I know that things could be so much worse.

No one that I love dearly died this week.

Thankful.

No one that I love dearly has COVID.

Thankful.

No one is in grave danger or prison.

Thankful.

There is an abundance of healthy food in our home.

We have a home.

Thankful.

Two birthdays this week... Jackson and Braxton.

Love my babies.

We have jobs.

Thankful.

We have six kiddos who we love.

We have each other.

But still.

And moms say that some days are just like that.

And, I'm the mom.

 

Breaking Down Anxiety

Anxiety is a real thing.

It causes real issues.

It sucks, actually.

However, it is also there to tell us things.

Tuesday night, Mike was in what could have been a fatal accident in one of the buses used for transport.

Thankfully, no one was seriously injured.

No other vehicles were effected.

Mike came away with just scrapes, cuts and a lot of soreness.

Someone had messed with the front tires/wheels.

It worked.

They came off while on the freeway, going freeway speed.

My anxiety went through the roof!

I missed having Jackson with me for his birthday.

I have a mammogram today.

It's my first one.

Even though I spend a good amount of time at the doctor office and the hospital, this one has been all kinds of nervous.

Co-parenting is not for the weak.

Purple hair is going to stand out in the wedding photos.... that's for sure...

We need to listen to our anxiety.

We need to at least try to be aware of all of the sources that it could be coming from.

Then, we need to not judge ourselves.

Give ourselves grace.

Ask ourselves if there is anything we can do about any of it.

If there isn't, then we let it go. 

As best we can.

If there is, then we do what we can under our circumstances.

 

Losing Your Shit

No one ever wants a shit storm.

I've seen a few.

I've had a few.

Okay, maybe more than a few.

You don't have to hold your emotions in!

Move your body.

Eat good food.

Drink water.

Meditate.

Do yoga.

Take a nap.

Get sunshine on your body.

And, if you need to lose your shit, scream into a pillow; lock yourself in a bathroom; break a plate on your back porch; cry it out!

 

Change

I was reading about change a few days ago.

I loved that along with the word, "change," comes words like:

Different

Substitute

Transformation

Revitalized

Metamorphic

Mind-blowing

Cathartic

Alter

Adjust

This is a very different time in our lives.

Everything in the world seems a bit different and it can be disheartening, confusing, scary, exhausting, frustrating, sad...

But, it can also be mind-blowing, revitalizing, and metamorphic.

 

Hard Things

Hard things are important.

They REALLY do build us up and form us into our best self!

I feel like I have done a few hard things over the past 43 years.

A few.

And so have you!

And you.

And you in the back.
They are important.

I get that.

I support that fact

However, I have been waking up at 2 am (wide awake) for the past three mornings.

It is a VERY hard thing.

And, I don't see how it's building me up.

Carry on.

 

Preach!

Say this out loud.

Then say it again.

Then take some deep breaths.

And say it again.

 

Step Four

 Step 4: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

Sometimes I post first thing in the morning... as soon as I get to work.

Sometimes I write my post the day before because my mind is just going and going and I need to get it down, "on paper."

This is one of those posts. 

Step Four.

In my opinion, this step is the very most important of all twelve steps in the 12-step program.

It is, in my opinion, the very hardest of all twelve steps. 

A lot of people will disagree with me.

For a lot of people, step nine is the hardest.

Not for me.

Step four just about put me over the ledge...

All the way over the ledge.

I wanted to quit.

I wanted to just go about living a miserable existence that was phony and fake.

That seemed SO much better than going through this horrible exercise of making a "searching and fearless inventory" of myself.

It is terrifying and exhausting to find things in our lives that we have shoved into that pretend closet where we hide things that are too hard to deal with.

And so, you find them.

Then you have to deal with them.

And, as an addict of validation, you don't want to.

I DIDN'T WANT TO.

I fought it internally, and with Katryna, and with T for periods of time.

Then, we dove in and we did the work.

SO much work.

Hard work.

Painful work.

This work took weeks.

And weeks.

And is still happening.

I learned this:

I am a good person, who is (as we all are) flawed.

So flawed.

I am sensitive.

I am an introvert.

I am a people-pleaser... to the extreme.

It is my addiction.

I am also a people-fixer... to the extreme.

It is my addiction.

Throughout my life, I have had this incredible desire to be exactly what everyone else wanted me to be.

My mother.

My grandparents.

Any male in the world who paid any sort of attention to me at all. 

In any way.

Isn't it interesting that I didn't list myself there?

Not so much... it's my addiction.

Today.

Today is different.

Ish.

I had a moment today of absolute heart-break.

Sadness.

That sort of crushing sadness that I now need to feel, so I allow myself to feel.

Now, I do have a routine, of sorts now.

When I really need to feel very hard emotions, I notify Mike and T that I am needing to feel.

Really feel.

That way, I am accountable to really allowing myself to feel without crashing.

That is my addiction, really.

To change who I am and how I actually think in order to NOT feel... so doing whatever I deem necessary to not feel sad - which normally means being whatever that person needs me to be.

No matter what that means for me.

So, today...

I dove deep inside.

I took a drive.

I ate really healthy food - veges and fruit.

I colored.

I did a lot of things that I should not have done while at work...

But, in order to save myself in these moments, I did them all.

I talked to T until I felt strong enough to walk on my own two feet.

While talking to T, Mike was trying to video chat with me.

He said, "Are you talking to T? I'm trying to call you."

And, that...

He knew.

He knew that if I wasn't answering, I was talking to T.

Because he knows that she is my kitchen cabinet.

And, in the midst of talking to her, she was also talking to him.

Because she knows he is my greatest choice.

I felt.

Guys, I FELT.

Because after step four, there is no more closet.

I refuse to take all of the boards that are up on that closet door now because that closet is SO painful!

I insist, now, on not ever using that closet again.

Everyone.... every single person should go through all twelve steps because they are so, incredibly valuable for everyone!

But hard.

Be prepared for work.

And a work that is never-ending.

Ever.

It can't ever stop.

Because then addiction wins.

And, it won't win.

I Don't Agree

It's not a secret that I love the Joe Rogan podcasts.

I find what he is talking about, almost always, to be super interesting and/or funny. (Tim Dillon is hysterical!)

I was listening to a podcast yesterday with a doctor who studies transgender tendencies and the idea of children going through the physical transition between male and female. 

Anyhow, toward the end of the podcast, she stated that she does not believe that porn is an addiction... or gambling... or really any process addictions.

*Note: She did not actually make the statement about "process addictions," but did specifically state her opinion about gambling and porn.

I literally said out loud, "Uh. No."

Here is the actual definition of addiction:

So, as an addict myself, her comment about addiction concerns me.

So many people who are on the fence about whether or not they need to seek treatment because of addiction will hear a doctor say that and think, "Oh, I'm not even an addict because it's not even a thing!"

It is a thing.

Process addictions are just as serious and are just as addicting and are just as life-altering as chemical addictions.

Literally.

And the suicide rates of those with addictions is out of control.

I have a process ADDICTION.

I am addicted to validation.

To me, a sure-fire way to know if someone has an addiction is to ask yourself how it effects your life...

And to answer honestly...

My addiction effects my life in the following ways:

1. My parenting

2. My ability to have boundaries.

3. My work ethic

4. My mental health

5. My physical health (stroke)

6. My terribly damaging relationships

7. My ability to make healthy decisions in every aspect of my life

8. Causes other addictive behaviors: eating disorders, unhealthy relationships

And others.

Addictions effect our lives.

To the extreme.

They are all addictions. All of them. They are all treatable.

All of them.

Get help!

 

Triggers

One of the most important parts of being an addict is recognizing what your triggers are and when you are having them...

Then to be able to have self-awareness and be able to work through them.

Yesterday, while we were at the gym, I saw Perry's sister-in-law walk in.

I have never seen her at the gym.

I haven't actually seen her in person since the funeral.

For some reason, it triggered SO much in me.

I didn't tell Mike about it until after we left the gym.

Instead, I was very happy to let him kick my booty at the gym.

After each exercise, I asked him what was next.

I was fine to just work out all day long if needed.

I kept glancing over at her...

As if I'd see him appear if I just kept looking at her.

So I did.

Knowing, really, all along that he wasn't going to appear.

But I wanted him to.

In those moments at the gym, I felt anxious and sad and angry and frustrated and emotional and hurt and all the things.

I felt all the things!!

We went home, I made myself a protein shake, then went outside into the sunshine whilst listening to a meditation.

When I went inside, I told Mike that I was having serious anxiety and that I needed to lay down.

Then, two hours later, I told him why.

He understood, completely, as he always does.

He told me to lay down and he'd take care of everything, as he always does.

Triggers can be ANYTHING.

Large crowds of people (me).

Certain anniversaries (me).

Yelling. Certain responses. (me).

Altitude changes. (me)

Water in my face. 

Loud noises like fireworks (me).

Seeing certain people or hearing their voices.

There are several more listed below.

It's VERY important to go through these things with yourself and your children so that you KNOW what your triggers are, how much of an emotional change they give to you, and then what to do when you are triggered.

 

 

Second Chances

Love me some Maya Angelou.

This morning, as I got the little boys ready for daycare and dropped them off before heading to work, I thought about how I really thought this season in my life was over...

The big boys are 17,18,19, and 21.

So, it's not surprising that I felt like I was done with "raising kids."

Of course, Colton will most likely be with us for a long time, but as far as the little kids things, I was done.

Until now.

Last night, I had to ask T if taking an hour to eat dinner is a normal thing for a six year old.

She giggled and said, "It's very common."

Oh. My.

Big boys don't waste any time!

Doing children's laundry.

My boys started doing their own laundry when they were 10 years old. (Evan doesn't seemed thrilled that he is almost at this amazing stage!)

Making sure kids are showered and actually clean.

Waking kids up.

I haven't woke my kids up for years!!!

They do that all on their own.

Making sure kids have every meal during the day.

Big kids just make themselves breakfast and lunch, People!

But.

I feel like this is a second chance for me to get this right!

My four boys are incredible and amazing and funny and smart and handsome and hard working and loyal and compassionate and full of gratitude and integrity.

I've done something right.

But.

I feel like I can learn from the things that I did right and wrong with the little boys and do better and be better. 

Second chances are all around us, every single day.

Yesterday, I needed to get over on the freeway.

The truck in the lane next to me sped up and would not let me in.

I flipped him off.

I NEVER DO THAT.

I was like, "Heidi! Watch your language!!!"

I was so embarrassed that I did that!

Then, he needed to get into my lane.

I was not about to let him in!

NO siree!!!

Then, it happened again.

A second chance.

To do better and be better.

I let him in.

Take the second chances and do better and be better!

 

Business

Well, if this ain't the truth...

We have so much to learn about ourselves, to improve upon within ourselves...

Goals to set, accountability to create...

If we are constantly worrying about what other people are doing, we are missing the point.

The point is to make ourselves better, stronger, smarter, more compassionate, more full of grace, and then to practice those things hourly.

 

Self Validation

I did a photo session with my Heike years ago.

I never saw the photos.

I never wanted to.

Why would i want to look at photos of myself?

I couldn't stand who I saw in those pictures.

Doesn't that just break your heart to read that?

It makes me very sad that I thought of myself in such a poor way.

I had another photo session with Heike several months ago...

Last winter.

After months of therapy and treatment.

I was a different person, and I have been eager to see the pictures.

She sent me a few last week.

I asked myself what I see in these pictures.

Life.

Skin.

Healthy fat.

Strength.

Courage.

Resilience.

Peace.

Confidence.

Vision.

Love.

Grace.

Compassion.

When someone has a process addiction of validation, the key becomes finding within oneself validation.

This is a constant war within a person.

A war that reminds us what we are fighting against and for.

A war that never ceases.

A war that has no winners.

But, a war that teaches.

I am learning.

 

Finding Peace

I finished my audio book of "Can't Hurt Me" yesterday.

It was a wonderful tool to put in my tool box.

I loved every minute of this book.

At the end, David makes a statement about his past that resonates with me so much.

He talks about how he is now at peace.

That word.

Peace.

Doesn't that word just introduce feelings to your soul like no other word can?

He speaks of how he bore his entire being in this book, telling people (complete strangers) all about every single part of him:

His past.

His upbringing.

His abuse.

Being called "nigger."

Failing at literally everything he ever tried, and failing repeatedly, before succeeding.

His broken relationships.

His physical trials.

His inability to read.

Every part of him.

The good.

The very, very bad.

The scary.

The ugly.

The embarrassments.

The failures.

He talks about how doing that - that practice of just putting it all out there - has brought him peace.

Peace with himself.

Peace with his past.

Peace with his present and his future.

Just peace.

 I was telling Mike about this last night - how I understand that peace.

Putting it all out there.

All of it.

With a therapist.

With your kitchen cabinet person.

With him.

In a blog.

Putting it all out there - not hiding anything or keeping any secrets or covering it up with eating disorders, addiction, anything...

Just living it all and doing so raw...

That has brought me so much peace.

Peace that I could not have found any other way.

Calming our Heads

You guys!

Did you know that the majority of humans have between 35 and 48 thoughts PER MINUTE?!

That's upwards of 70,000 thoughts per day.

No wonder we are all so stressed the flup out!

Over the past week, I have been trying to be much more aware of my what my brain is doing.

Our brains just run rampant unless we remind them who's boss!

They will go and go and go and go forever if we don't reign them in.

When I check in with myself, I almost always find that my brain is acting as if I just took several hits of acid and it's now on a treadmill of thoughts to no-man's land.

That's when I shut that nonsense down.

Meditation.

Breathing.

Get up and walk around.

If my thoughts are telling me something, I write them down. 

I do everything that I've been taught to do to slow my brain down.

Focus on your breathing. 

Turn some music on.

Journal.

Whatever it is that helps you to slow down...

DO IT!

And, do it throughout every single day!

 

Discomfort

As you know, I have been listening to the book, "Can't Hurt Me," by David Goggins.

One of the things that David talks about a lot is the fact that we need to do something uncomfortable every single day...

Something that sucks.

Examples:

If you walk a mile every day, walk a mile and a half today.

Study for an extra hour today.

Call that person and have the conversation today.

Stop smoking today.

Do ten extra push ups today.

Whatever it is, do it.

He also talks about the 40% rule.

Basically, when we feel like we can't go anymore, that is our body telling us that we have given about 40%.

Now it's time for our mind to kick in and do the rest.

We still have 60% to give.

Last night, I called Mike on my way home from my lash appointment.

We had originally agreed to MEET at the gym when I was done.

You see, if I go home first - I won't want to go to the gym anymore.

He said, "Okay, I'll meet you at the gym."
I moaned.

He said, "Great! See you there."

If he hadn't held me accountable for what I had set forth as my goal, I would not have gone.

Why?
It sucks to go to the gym when you're tired.

Go anyways!
I always feel so much better after a great workout.

 

Cheering

I love this so much.

Cheering for other people's victories does not minimize our own.

Rooting for the rise of others does not take away from our own rising.

Helping others meet their goals does not mean that our own don't matter.

It's all a journey.

Never a competition.

Diligence

Colton is in charge of our back-to-school feast theme this year.

He is choosing "Diligence."

As I have been preparing my portion of it, I have found some great quotes. 

Diligence really is about keeping at it ESPECIALLY when it's hard.

It's about realizing that we are required to work for things.

They aren't supposed to just be handed to us.

It's about falling and getting back up as many times as it takes.

It's about recognizing that there are lessons in all things and that when we work at things with all our might, they're worth it.

I am so excited to see what Colton comes up with in his "lesson" part of the back-to-school feast.

Family

As we speak with our children, who are becoming adults, and learn about their journeys...

Discuss the people coming in and out of their lives..

Hear about their heartbreaks with girls, and friends...

Hear them ask why it's even necessary to meet some of these people...

I think back among my journey as well.

I firmly believe that bad choices I have made have brought people into our lives that were completely unncessary...

Except that I learned from them.

Every one of them.

Not in the moment, but as I continue to go through life and mess up every day, I can look back as I go through experiences and see that I had learned from all of my past.

As I continue to firm up my mind and make my mind strong through practice and failure and more practice and effort, I realize TRULY that every single one of my past experiences has been for cause.

As we plan for our wedding day, just within six weeks, we are enjoying doing so with our children.

As Mike and I talked last night prior to falling into dreamland, we discussed our village.

Mike's family is thrilled for this upcoming day and are wanting to help and participate.

I have T, obviously.

This girl is putting more work into this day than I am.

She is FAMILY.

I continue to receive text messages and emails from friends, asking how they can help.

The boys and I have friends who have become family and we are so thankful.