Not Yours

My story is mine.

It's all mine.

It's full of so many dips and dives and potholes and sink holes and complete destruction.

It's full of all the things I never thought it would be full of.

I had such good intentions!

I only ever wanted to be married to someone who loved me endlessly and have babies and be the best mama ever.

It's clear that I didn't marry someone, or anyone, that loved me... not to mention endlessly, or kindly, or at all really.

Plenty of people will tell you that I am not a good mama.

 I've worked far more jobs at the same time than I ever could have dreamed of.

I failed Math 1010 six times and did not graduate from high school.

I've had plenty of medical bills go to judgements.

I've changed my last name more times than I would like to remember.

There is so much more...

But, it's my story.

If you have questions about me, my story, or anything else pertaining to me...

News Alert: I am quite literally the only one who can answer those questions for you.

Anyone else who attempts to talk about me or my story is only telling you their perception of it.

That's not my story.

 

This.

Dear Self:

Boy, have you been triggered lately.

Over and over and over again.

Little things.

Big things.

Distractions.

Loneliness.

Fears and doubts.

Work.

Home.

Everywhere.

Yesterday was especially hard.

For some reason, you have not slept well in about three months.

Upon awaking in the morning - you were already spent.

Emotionally, spiritually.

Yes, you went through the motions of doing your morning personal devotional, but you still felt off.

All day at work - where you were all by yourself - felt off.

You wrote down a list of gratitudes.

You listened to music.

Then different music.

You worked on creating worksheets for the YW Live In Your Worth series.

You got up and walked around a few times.

You cried now and then...

For apparently no reason.

Then, you saw this.

It always takes my breath away how Heavenly Father answers our prayers.

Yesterday, it was a little saying.

This little saying.

Heidi,

You don't have it figured out.

You have all the emotions.

Lots of thoughts.

But, that's why you're still here.

Because you don't have it all figured out.

So, just keep going Sis.

Everything can change in a day... (via Bishop Kevin Beck).

Everything can change in a day.

 

Live In Your Worth

I'm ecstatic.

I'm terrified.

I'm grateful.

I'm so scared.

It's here.

I'm doing it.

Because God told me to.

I don't know how it's all going to work out quite yet, but here I am - doing the thing.

This first Live In Your Worth is free and is for young women.

I will then focus on other age groups, divorcees, those in toxic relationships, etc.

I love that I can talk about my failures in order to show that we can STILL live in our worth.

 

Not Your People Anyways

"Heidi, I don't want to give people access to my social media because what if they judge how big I was before?"

Me: Wait, what?

Then me:

"Darling, if you are worried EVER in any way, shape, or form about what someone might think of you - those are not your people."

As females, in particular, we have been raised to be nice, be kind, be forgiving, be what people need and want us to be...

Well, screw that!!!

You do NOT have to be accommodating to people who don't recognize your worth.

You do NOT have to be kind to people who belittle you.

You do NOT have to tolerate people who are unkind, or who don't consider your time valuable.

Gather yourself up and go talk to God.

He'll tell you all about how amazing you are!

   

Did I Offend You?

I got a message yesterday from the sweet angel who made this for me:

"Did I offend you somehow?"

Oh.My.Goodness.

NOOOOOOO!!!!

Sometimes when we are in the midst of life and challenges and growing and learning, some people can think that we don't like them or that they did something to us...

The vast majority of the time, that is not the case.

I am often all up in my head and my heart, trying to figure out my next step.

I am often focused on me and my kids...

My job...

(s)...

How I'm going to do this or that...

My kid and his mission...

My other kid and his senior year and missing his brother...

My other kid and his multitude of vehicles...

My other kid and his scavenger hunt date night...

The dogs.

The grocery list.

Paying for it all.

My coaching.

My own therapy.

My lack of gym-going...

If you feel that I have been offended by you, please ask.

For the most part, I am just trying to survive day to day.

 

NO Distractions

Have I told you a common theme with my conversations with God lately?

"No distractions, Heidi Rae!"

It is an everyday reminder from Him to me.

And, it's so loving and so compassionate and so full of grace... as is most every conversation with The Father.

He simply reminds me, "No distractions, Heidi Rae."

As an addict, distractions are THE WORST.

Whether you are addicted to chemicals or have a process addiction - distractions derail you quicker than anything else.

Social media: distracting mist of darkness

A phone or computer or tablet or any electronic device: distracting mist of darkness

Conversations with people who you really have no business having a conversation with: distracting mist of darkness

Don't get me wrong: there are lots of great distractions!

For me:

Coloring

Writing

Dancing to the Footloose soundtrack

Facetiming the nephews

Watching baseball

But, we have to be so careful about where we are putting our time and energy.

Distractions can take us ALL the way off course if we aren't completely firm with our own boundaries.

"No distractions" is my current caution flag and I'm here for it!

 

Start Again Each Day

I'm a mess.

Like, a bundle of bones laying on my bedroom floor each day after work whilst sobbing mess.

A very big mess.

No, it doesn't effect my worth.

But it does effect my lashes.

And my post-stroke schtuff.

And my fatigue.

And, I'm just a mess.

The divorce is final.

There is yet another garnishment coming from my paycheck due to a medical bills.

Oh, because of the divorce I will now be getting $200 less each paycheck.

I have no idea how I will pay August's rent. 

I'm a BIG MESS.

Oh, and I was called a "bully" today by my boss.

So, there's that.

Going pretty well.

This morning, as I dumped my bones onto the floor from the bed already in tears - I opened my scriptures up to my current chapter.

Nephi is talking, again.

That dude is LEGIT.

He's talking about how he has not had a super easy time...

His own brothers have tried repeatedly to kill him;

His dad died in the freaking wilderness;

He was tied up with cords on a ship in a HUGE storm withOUT Dramamine;

He's watched his loved ones give birth in the freaking wilderness;

He had to cut a guy's head off;

BUT, he's always felt a great pull to the Spirit.

He believes in God.

He believes that Christ is coming.

He believes in prayer.

He talks about how when things are really tough, he has faith in God and asks Him to remove the stumbling blocks in front of him.

I did that this morning, People.

I BEGGED God to remove some of these stumbling blocks.

I'm doing all I can do.

ALL I can do.

I've always worked more than one job.

No distractions.

Tithing.

Working my butt off (even though I'm a bully).

And Mama needs these stumbling blocks pushed out of the way so that I can move forward.

Mind praying for me??

 

Surprise!

Surprise!

Turns out Father's Day is quite a large trigger for this girlie!

I had no idea until I woke up yesterday and could not shake my false self... the self who is all about the natural man... the self who is clothed in shame and doubt and hurt and fear and unlovability.

It was not a good way to wake up, to be sure.

Kaydon and I were, once again, a full 30 minutes early to church.

It's a thing.

We giggled over a few things, took a couple of silly pictures, then listened to the talks about amazing fathers.

To be sure, there ARE amazing fathers.

My brother is one of them!

So many of my guys are some of them!

P was one of them!

My grandfathers are two of them!

I, personally, had to flip the switch yesterday.

I had to make Father's Day all about my Heavenly Father.

And, in doing so, it was glorious.

I love my earthly father.

I have many wonderful memories with him on the ball field, at the ball field, around the ball field.

I have memories of taking walks with him after leaving the ball field.

I have memories of going on trips with the itinerary's scheduled to the max.

I have lots of memories with him.

I also have triggers with him.

And, that's okay.

I love him, still.

I am grateful for my four boys, who will one day be the greatest dads ever.

I am so grateful to be a mama of these boys.

 

The Dance

I was recently listening to this song by Garth Brooks.

The Dance.

It hit me HARD. 

"How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye..."

"I could have missed the pain, but then I'd have had to miss the dance."

"Now I'm glad I didn't know."

I've had a couple of people tell me that they are sorry and that they wish they could change everything for my children and I...

I don't.

I really don't.

Yes, we could have missed the pain (and the pain has been INTENSE).

But then we'd have had to miss the dance.

Michael,

I could not have known.

I couldn't have known you'd say goodbye because you couldn't withstand the light.

I couldn't have known you'd intentionally hurt my children the way you did.

I couldn't have known you'd try to wreck us.

Now, I'm so glad I didn't know.

Yes, we could have missed the pain.

The horrid pain.

The sadness, fear, anger, confusion, betrayal trauma...

But then we'd have had to miss the dance.

And I LOVE to dance.

Heidi

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
If I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey, who's to say, you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

If our lives are better left to chance
Oh, our lives are better left to chance
Oh, our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Let Go

"Let go of the expectation that we need to have all our answers right now, and embrace that our existence is about growth and development." Christie Gardner

I think, personally, we would be so stinking overwhelmed if we were able to see the beginning and the end.

Step by step.

Line upon line.

We are here, actually, for growth and development.

Enjoy the steps that allow for this!

 

A Virtuous Woman

Proverbs tells us a story about a woman grabbing the robe of the Savior:

The disciples pointed out the crowd and said that any number of people could have touched Him. But Christ knew that it was an intentional act, as He perceived that a portion of strength had left Him. The woman fell at His feet and admitted that it was she who had touched Him and then proceeded to tell Him her story. With compassion, Jesus told her that her faith had made her whole. The woman with the issue of blood was made whole through her faith, which was not in the act of touching the robe alone but in the many expressions of faith in the twelve years that proceeded her miraculous healing. Each prayer, each doctor's visit, each time she tried and failed - yet still persisted to be made well was a sign of faith in her eventual healing. She lived a holy life in such a way that when she heard of the Savior, she knew who He was and found Him. Her faith made her whole and holy.

- Christie Gardner

 Proverbs also states that the following qualities are virtuous:

* Literal breadwinner

* Buys property

* Plants a vineyard

* Performs spiritual and physical exercise

* Works into the night on work she perceives as good

* Serves

* Sells linen and clothing to local stores (for income)

* Clothes herself with strength and honor - spiritual DEVELOPMENT

* Keeps busy overseeing household work

* Is called blessed and praised by her family

I am her.

She is me.

You are her as well.

Two Forces

Let's be clear:

There are two forces at work in each of our lives.

One is for good.

One is for evil.

This is quite literally a very basic, if not the most basic, reality in our lives.

We have two voices in our head at all times and let me be clear:

Satan's voice is LOUD. It is like a megaphone in our sensitive ears at ALL times. 

It is in our face.

It does not feel good.

It turns us away from light, and toward negativity.

Now, it can and is certainly sly a lot of the time.

Little steps that desensitize us from the Spirit so that evil can slowly but very surely take over.

And, take over it does!!!

Just like God is in every detail of our life, so is Satan and his legion of followers.

Satan LOVES to tell us the very worst of ourselves:

We are not worthy, we have gone too far "astray," we are ugly, fat, poor, unlovable, not smart enough...

We are not valuable, we are what everyone else says we are, they are right to bully us, etc.

Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost tell us that we are worthy, full of value, divine...

There is no shame or scorn.

Our Savior has paid the price for us.

Agency is a gift... trust me.

Once you've been an addict (which is the only thing that takes away our agency), agency becomes the most sought-after blessing.

Use your agency to choose to believe that God loves you.

Satan does not.

That still, small voice that brings comfort, love, light... that's not Satan.

Be aware!!

 

Our Story - Part Too Many to Count

I had therapy this week.

Oh, how I love therapy days.

I usually have notes ready for my appointments with my Erica.

She is just the best at tough love, being to the point, talking to me on my level, and setting goals that are really hard for me.

And then I take these goals and work really hard to meet them, because I'm progressing and I'm worth it!

This week we talked about my story.

MY STORY.

You all have heard me talk about this so many times - that our story is our story and our story to tell.

However, unbeknownst to me, I have not been telling my story to everyone who should hear it!!

That's changing!

I pick and choose who needs to hear MY story.

Subconsciously.

For instance, when members of a family ask me what happened, I direct them to ask their son/brother.

Subconsciously, I am showing their son/brother grace... and in a way I am showing the same to them.

Well, here's the thing:

He didn't earn my grace.

I am holding space for him.

He didn't earn the energy that exhausts from me.

ANNNNDDDD... when I am not telling my story to EVERYone who asks, and in some cases doesn't ask, then I am holding onto it.

Fact: I did nothing wrong in this story.

Fact: He tried to destroy my children and came close...

Fact: NO ONE destroys my children. So, you can do whatever you want to me, but ain't no one going to hurt my kids anymore.

Fact: Mama's gonna tell our story.

More:
I also subconsciously choose who to tell my story to because I don't want to hear people's excuses for their son/brother. 

Well, I get to choose whether or not I allow that.

Excuses start, I say, "Nope. He's an adult. I'm not going to listen to excuses for him. We are done talking about this."

Period.

People can create whatever narrative in their head that they want to in order to protect themselves, their child/brother, their family "integrity..." 

But, they will also hear the real story...

What actually happened.

And they will hear it from me.

Tell your stories, Friends.

They are yours to tell.

Don't hold onto them.

This is a HARD challenge for me because it's not my personality to do this.

I'm much more comfortable with just showing grace and trying to "protect" someone's "honor."

But, again...

It's not my space to hold.

 

Too Peopley

I've always been a home-body.

I really don't love being around a lot of people.

But, since I started addiction recovery, this has become far more apparent.

I don't like being around a lot of people ever.

I don't enjoy shopping.

I don't enjoy going to the movies unless it's just me and my kids in the theater.

I don't LOVE going downtown, or to Salt Lake at all.

I have never liked clubs or dance places.

Going to the gym is a chore at times.

I just don't love being around people anymore.

I am much happier being in my house with baseball on the tv and snacking on whatever is in my house...

Thus the 20 extra pounds on my body right now.

It's OK to feel this way!

I work with people all day, and not the nice kind of people.

I am on sensory overload from the time I leave my house in the morning until I tuck myself into bed at night.

So, I give myself credit for what I DO do, and I give myself grace for what I just can't.

 

Welp...

I've said this before, and it continues to be so TRUE!
I LOVE that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that it's entirely better than my own plan for me!

When it doesn't go as planned, that does not mean that it was a failure!!! 

When it doesn't go as planned, that does not mean we are being punished!!

When it doesn't go as planned, that does not mean that it's just over for us!!

It just means that it wasn't meant for us at that time and in that place and with those people.

 

Breakdown

Let's talk about breakdowns and boundaries for a minute...

Again.

Breakdowns are okay.

Crying is okay.

Being angry is okay.

It's normal and healthy.

You are not broken.

You are just evolving, growing, and blossoming.

If people are uncomfortable with your breakdowns/break throughs, set boundaries.

It's NEVER your job to make other people comfortable.

Your choices are not meant for them.

They are yours.

You are worth the time and effort on YOU.

Don't stay in the breakdown, but GO THROUGH IT.

 

Recording Blessings

Let me preface this by saying that I sincerely feel ALL of the blessings of the Priesthood without holding it.

I am immensely, eternally, infinitely grateful for my children who hold the Priesthood.

For co-workers who hold the Priesthood.

For nurses and doctors who hold the Priesthood.

For family members and family members of dear friends who hold it.

At no time have I felt the need to hold the Priesthood in order to feel the blessings from it.

Having said that, I feel the blessings from blessings in such tangible ways.

Becky Beck recommended that I begin to record blessings.

Brilliant!

Kaydon gave me a Priesthood blessing last Thursday night.

Finally, I remembered to record it.

It was stunning.

Powerful.

Beautiful.

Revealed.

SO holy.

And, I was able to listen to it again and again.

I totally recommend recording your blessings from now on!

And, that quote...

In my blessing, Kaydon reminded me that I have the power over darkness...

I have the power over temptation.

I have the power over trials.

Blessings are amazing.

 

I'll Decide

If you know me, you know that you're going to hear "I'll Decide!" a lot!

Here's the thing:

I am a RECOVERING addict.

RECOVERING validation addict.

Ain't no one going to tell me what is valid and not valid by my Creator.

And maybe T.

And maybe Miss Birdie and Becky Beck...

But that's because they are my kitchen cabinet people...

However, NO ONE ELSE.

Period.

I have had an incredible amount of trauma and traumatic experiences in my life.

No one gets to tell me if they were traumatic or if my feelings are valid due to them.

NO ONE gets to even have a narrative on my feelings related to my trauma.

It's not theirs to have.

 

Grumpy

I woke up Tuesday morning feeling a lot of feelings.

I am back in the office full-time, and with that comes a lot of anxiety.

How will my brain and my body do with this change?

I haven't slept for six nights now - suddenly Mama has crazy allergies.

I woke up and I was grumpy!!!

I got myself to the office and got a message from Miss Birdie.

I was reminding HER to do the very thing I needed to be doing!!

Flip the darn switch.

Get out of your false self and get into your true self...

THEN, do the thing in front of you.

It's OKAY to have the feelings and it's OKAY to not know why we are having the feelings we are having...

But make sure you are in your true self when you are making decisions.

Breathe through it.

Remember that it's temporary.

And move forward.

PS... there is ALWAYS going to be mountains.

 

Hyper-Empathy

Let's talk about this for a minute, shall we?

I am a validation addict.

Empathy is my number one strength, according to Strength's Quest...

Moreover, ALL five of my top strengths are in that category.

This little equation that I just gave you really can equal disaster.

So, I need to be:

1. Aware

2. Vigilant

3. Show myself grace

ALL strengths have balconies and basements.

Empathy is a wonderful quality/characteristic/strength to have.

It can also be a very difficult/painful/negative strength to have if we are not paying attention to our triggers or our time spent in that strength's basement.

Due to trauma in my life, I felt that I constantly had to predict emotions in order to give people exactly what I thought they wanted.

This is exhausting.

This creates a life of lies... not knowing who I am ever because I'm trying SO hard to be who everyone else wants me to be AND then trying to find validation for it all in people who never cared about me to begin with.

Now...

This is not an end of story scenerio.

Through awareness, active vigilance, and dependence on my Creator for my validation - I am losing my "need" to be who anyone at all wants me to be.

I'm me.

If you don't like it - Deuces.

 

Four Squares

During meditation a few weeks ago, I felt strongly that the young women experience series that I feel VERY prompted to do was to be a four-part series, as I very clearly envisioned FOUR squares, or boxes.

I have written down ideas during my study and devotional time for a four-part series.

I have asked Heavenly Father to guide me as I consider content for a four-part series.

THEN...

Of course, THEN...

on Sunday as I was doing my morning devotional, a completely different thought came to my mind...

It was that I have FOUR different things I am to be working on/developing...

Huh?!

The one I envisioned very vividly is a book.

Yup, a book.

I even know what it's supposed to be about:

My Three Favorite Titles.

Which are: Daughter of God, Mom/Ma/Mommy/Mama, and Recovering Addict.

PLUS, an experience series for young women about worth, value, living boldly within those.

PLUS, an experience series for divorced people and people who are experiencing toxic relationships.

PLUS, I have no idea what the fourth thing is.