Three Parter

It's HERE!!

My first three-part series.

Living in Your Worth:

True Self vs. False Self

Letting Go

Boundaries

It is $39.99 of all three paid in full OR

$15 per class made in three payments.

August 11th, August 18th, and August 25th!

 

What I'm Not Doing

Guess what I haven't been doing?

Working out.

Regularly.

I am not working out regularly.

At all.

Like, maybe two days a week and it is not enough.

I struggle to be in my true self when I'm not exercising my body and mind.

I also eat more when I'm not working out.

I also feel pretty darn lazy when I'm not going to the gym daily.

Not to worry, I sure do set my alarm for 5 am.

Then I reset it sometime during the night for 6:15 am.

People, it's NOT working.

So, I am going to go to extreme lengths.

I am going to make a chart thing and ask Braxton to get my booty out of bed when he leaves at 4:45 am.

I clearly need to be held accountable and my own accountability is clearly not working.

Therefore, I am going ALL IN.

Ish.

 

Blocked

Come in close for this one, Friends.

This is going to be about my addiction, pre-recovery.

This is going to be about me living in my false self without even knowing what my false self was.

Prior to learning about my addiction, my trauma, my triggers, etc. I only lived in my false self.

A large portion of being in my false self is needing validation from the world.

In needing validation from the world, I become willing to do whatever I feel it will take to receive validation - and instant validation feels essential.

As an addict, the quick fix is crucial.

You simply don't want to feel the way you feel anymore.

You need a fix, whether it is a chemical or process addiction.

This shows up in many forms.

I am going to talk about how it shows up in relationships, particularly with men.

When in my false self, I NEED validation.

Here is what that looks like with men:

If I felt that they just want a physical relationship, I wouldn't wear my undergarments on a date.

For real.

If I felt that they would validate me if I gave them what they wanted, I would do it.

For real.

If I felt that it would make them like me and not other girls if I gave them the material things they wanted, regardless of the fact that I couldn't pay my own bills on my salary, I would do what it took to give it to them.

For real.

If I was told that they were not faithful and I questioned them and they told me they were, I'd believe them over ALL of the other people telling me they were lying.

For real.

I would turn into whoever I thought they wanted me to be. 

Validation would come immediately, but like every addiction, it was gone SO fast.

I would need another fix, so I would do whatever they would tell me to do or be whoever they told me they wanted in order to get another fix.

I starved myself to 103 pounds.

I drove around the county for hours and hours in the middle of several nights, looking for my spouse who was clearly with other women but I just could not believe it.

I would stop going to church because they asked me to.

I would say my prayers in the car, rather than by my bedside so they wouldn't see it.

And my prayers - let's talk about those:

Heavenly Father, please make them like me.

Please make me be what they want.

Please make me be better for them.

Let's talk about Heidi now.

Let's talk about Heidi in my true self.

If I have any inkling that a guy wants to be intimate with me at all on a date, I'm not going.

Period.

I literally panic when I don't have clean garments that are dry!

Like, I can't go because they won't know who I really am if I'm not in my garments!!!

That is a HUGE step. 

That is me validating my own true self.

Oh, you want to kiss me?

Wait 6 or 7 or 10 dates.

Not kidding.

Oh, you want to get to know me?
You are going to get to know ME... not who I think you might want me to be.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have sent a few middle finger emojis.

I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry.

I have also sent the wording you see above.

Budget cuts, People.

Budget Cuts.

 

Bee Keeping

After a couple of youth speakers in Sacrament Meeting on Sunday, there was still a lot of time.

The Stake President, who I love, spoke.

The way he speaks reminds of me Elder Holland.

The missionaries then bore their testimonies.

One has been with our ward for a while.

The other is brand new.

Like, BRAND spanking new.

When I listen to the missionaries speak, I often marvel.

That was my Jackson a couple of years ago.

That will be my Kaydon in a couple of months.

It's amazing.

Anywho, the new missionary was talking about how he grew up in Virginia.

Prior to leaving on his mission, he was working as a bee keeper to earn money.

Side note: this sounds like the most horrible job EVER.

Is it because I'm allergic to bees? Maybe.

Is it because I'm terrified of bees? Probably.

He said that because he was too tall for the bee keeping suit, they duck-taped the suit to his boots so that no bees could get in.

Side note: if this was my situation - I'm out!

He went on his first day, with said suit duck-taped to said boots.

Surprise!

Bees got into that contraption and began stinging him.

He talked to the youth, in particular, about the importance of really checking over our armor...

Really making sure that there are no holes or tears in our covering.

Going over it daily, almost like a vehicle check every morning.

Do what we are supposed to do to ensure that those bees can't get into any holes or tears in our shields.

I love this so much!

Listen, holes and tears happen.

It's GOING to happen.

Duck tape is great.

And, it can hold things together for a time... but not forever.

A proper suit that fits and that is made well is what we actually need to have to protect ourselves.

 

Four Years

Today is the four year anniversary of P not listening to me.

I just glanced at the clock on my wall.

It reads, 10:17 am.

Four years ago, almost at this exact time, P came into my office after having breakfast with his visiting parents.

He was happy.

Glad the rodeo was over.

Glad he was going to get a few days with his bride, best friend, and his wife, before the kids headed up to Island Park.

Glad he was going to have some time to get away from work and all the things.

The kids would be driving up in three days to join them.

He was teasing me and I was less than amused.

The last picture he took on his iPad was of me flipping him off.

He was telling me, "Sis, it's all good! Everything will be fine! I'll see you on Monday!"

Everything was not fine.

Over the next two hours, I would know that he wasn't coming back Monday.

Or, ever.

I scream, wail, cry...

I would be taken home before the media could get to me.

Two hour drive home because, obviously, the freeway was closed.

I would go home to tell my boys he was gone.

I would spend the next couple of days, working on the floor in front of his office door.

I would try not to read the articles written about the crash because most of them were not accurate anyways.

I would write letters to P and Sarah's four kids.

Triggers.

This is one of them.

So, today I am in a place of true self/false self.

Normal 

Understandable

Showing myself grace as I allow myself to feel sad, angry, anxious.

Death is a weird thing, really.

We all die.

None of us get out of here alive.

But, it sucks.

A lot.

Being sad is a healthy emotion, so long as we don't live in it.

Anger is a helpful emotion, so long as we don't live in it.

Anxiety is a valid emotion... yup, so long as we don't live in it.

Today, I'll feel whatever I need to feel.

Four years.

 

Meanings of Words

Scriptures.

Isaiah.

Foreign Language.

Those three words put together = exactly how I feel most days.

I have always struggled with taking scriptures, talks, articles, etc. and making them apply to me.

Let's be real - most of the time it's a bunch of gibberish to me.

In a very holy way, of course.

But, I have no idea what they are saying.

Or why they are saying it.

Or what half of the words mean.

And, Isaiah...

With all due respect, Isaiah, I have not a clue in the world what you are saying EVER.

My Becky has been Marco Polo-ing me in the mornings this week.

That girl has an insane strength when it comes to applying scripture into EVERYTHING.

She understands them in a way I just do not.

She is a footnote expert.

And, by listening to her as she prepares to be a seminary teacher (are those kids not the luckiest??!!) and prepare to begin coaching, I marvel at what I am able to gain from her talents.

This morning, she brought up the word "sober."

Let's dive in:

As a recovering addict, "sober" has very distinct meaning.

In the recovery sense, it means that you are without addiction:

Think alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling, etc.

However, Becky brought to my attention a chapter in Alma (The Book of Mormon). 

Alma is talking to Shiblon and talks about bridling his passions.

Bridling can also mean "boundaries."

Passions are anything we feel strongly about.

But, Alma also tells all of his sons to "be sober."

We read that word a lot in the scriptures.

I always figured there was a LOT of addiction going on back in the day if everyone has to tell everyone to be sober!!

Like stop with the moonshine, People!

However, as Becky taught me:

Sober also means:

Calm

Steady

Simple

Reasonable

Level-headed

Rational

And, when I hear those words I relate all of them to being in our true self.

When I meditate on my true self, these are words that I picture.

When I ask myself if I'm in my true self, these are words I am looking for:

Am I calm OR am I chaotic and unfocused?

Am I steady OR do I feel unsure or off-balance?

Am I keeping things simple OR am I going off in the weeds?

Am I being level-headed OR do I need to take a break and get myself back to true self?

I am learning that as I read/journal every morning during my personal devotional, there is ALWAYS something in them for me to gain or to learn from.

And, that's the point.

My purpose is not to be a scriptorian.

My purpose is to learn and to grow.

And that purpose allows me to stay sober, calm, steady, and simple.

 

A Time Such As This

A scripture that is used by coaches that Becky Beck and I love to listen to is Esther 4:14.

"Perhaps you were born for such a time as this."

It's TRUE!

You WERE born for THIS time.

You are meant to be here right now.

Just like God doesn't make mistakes, He also does not change His mind!

You are here right now on purpose!!

Part of living in our worth is really believing that our worth is needed right now.

We were saved for this time and this place.

We are needed right now, right where we are.

Imagine that!

 

PTSD

I am incredibly grateful that I continue to see my neuropsych (Erica) and that I can talk to my therapist (Katryna) whenever I need to and that I have my Becky Beck to coach me, even though she doesn't coach friends... she coaches me on very simple things!

We all need each other, People!

We were never meant to do life by ourselves. 

Heavenly Father has put exactly who we need in our path exactly when we need them!

Erica told me that I have some pretty serious PTSD when I met with her on Thursday.

This is okay.

It's good to know that for times when I feel a little extra trauma.

I have something called, "Perceived Rejection."

This is a form of PTSD.

This is how this works for me:

I have an "experience" or a "memory" which triggers me.

Once I have that trigger, I REACT to the person or the thing that I am having the current experience with... even if the experience with that person is really, seemingly not that big of a deal.

And, I am in trauma.

What can I do?

(There is always something we can do... which is like the best news ever)

I now keep a journal.

It's simple a Composition Notebook with two columns:

Past Trauma and Current Experience.

I ask myself:

"Sis, where are your thoughts a feelings coming from? A past trauma or memory? OR, is the current experience really the issue?"

I write it down.

I then decide if this past trauma or memory is something that I need to work through more.

Then I do so.

And I let that balloon go OR I put that into my Jesus box.

We also discussed that I am ALLOWED to confront current things that or people who trigger trauma or memories.

I know that might sound strange, but it isn't!

It's actually quite normal for someone who has PTSD and/or a validation addiction to need to be told that I am allowed to do something.

Erica is very good at teaching me how to allow myself to do things, but in this situation, she reminded me that I have "permission" to stop things as they are happening.

This creates a sense of power and a lack of fear.

And so, we keep learning and growing!

 

Grudges vs. Boundaries

Let's talk about holding grudges versus holding boundaries.

Holding a grudge looks like this:

You drink the poison in hopes that the other person will die.

You relive the experience(s) over and over, desperately hoping that there will be clear vindication and redemption... 

That "karma" will take care of them...

That "they will get theirs."

It is heavy.

It saps your energy and your own joy.

It feels icky.

Holding a boundary, on the other hand, looks like this:

You see the person for who they really are (believe them the first time!).

You no longer allow them access to your peace - the peace that you have worked so hard to build and sustain.

Boundaries protect you and the other person.

Boundaries feel powerful, calming, and safe.

Time does not allow access to our peace and apologies don't always allow access back to us, either.

 

Trees

I was particularly drawn to the trees on my walk this morning.

I felt impressed to really pay attention to them.

At first, I noticed that NONE of the trees have a single trunk and go straight up and down.

None of them.

Then, I began to look closer.

They all have a story, don't they?

This particular trunk has had to build an extra thick coat around itself.

It appears to have built a trunk over a trunk over a trunk.

Imagine the roots under the dirt, unseen, that have allowed it to do so.

As you look up the tree, it has several branches that have broken off, some that are just hanging, and yet others that are newly sprouted and producing leaves.

This one, I call Heidi Rae.

You see, the first trunk fell over.

I would imagine it could no longer weather the storms.

But, the roots didn't give up.

In fact, the grew a second trunk - one that is growing in the opposite direction.

If you look closely, it's actually holding up the other trunk with its weight.

And notice, won't you, the branches and the leaves that are thriving.

All because the roots never gave up on the tree.

It became quite common as I looked around that trees have more than one trunk.

They might fall.

They might start to get sick.

They might not be able to hold the weight of its responsibilities.

So, it grows a second or third trunk to help.

All because the roots know what it needs.

Then, I saw this one.

I stopped and admired it.

It is literally growing side ways - OUT from the bank.

Those roots are thick and strong and are holding that healthy trunk in place as it becomes EVEN stronger from the waves of the water.

This one here...

This trunk actually broke in half.

This is ONE tree.

With the same roots.

Thriving.

No one's trunk, branches and leaves looks the same.

All of our stories are different.

But the roots...

The foundation...

The knowledge that because of our roots we can withstand storms, breaking, falling, splitting down the middle, illness, etc...

We can always live in our worth.

 

Reacting to Actions

I have some pretty amazing characteristics!

I am terrific at allowing people's actions to effect my thoughts and my feelings.

I take people's actions (be it words, lack thereof, actions, etc) and I internalize all of it, feel invalidated, unlovable, unworthy of love, and less than.

Then, I ACT in those feelings.

This is a pure example of Heidi living in my false self.

I do it more than I thought I did!

I just had no idea I was doing it!

Let's talk about Leman and Lemuel for a minute.

These two are a hot mess express... I relate to that!

These two brothers actually SAW angels on MULTIPLE occasions.

They heard them.

They saw them.

They witnessed miracles brought about by them.

YET...

(This is where similarities to Heidi Rae come in)

The repeatedly murmured.

They repeatedly tried to control all of their circumstances.

They repeatedly tried to fault their parents and their brothers, even trying to physically harm their brother.

And, (again, queue Heidi Rae here) when things "didn't work out," they blamed God and their righteous family members.

Although, in reality, things worked out the only way they could have:

Come in close for this one:

They wanted control over everything.

They took control.

Things turned out wrong because they refused to allow God to be in control.

Surprise!

They got exactly what they wanted - control.

They just didn't ever like the outcome and when they didn't like the outcome, they were more angry and more violent and more lost in their own heads.

This is all very familiar to me!

I have had a history of TELLING God what I need.

Now, that's actually funny as I type this.

Me.

Telling God.

What I need.

Fun fact:

He already knows.

Another fun fact:

I have agency.

So, I get to choose whether or not to be in alignment with Him and do things as He directs me...

OR, I can choose to take control over all the stuff and then be really angry with HIM when things don't work out the way I had prayed for them to work out.

And repeat.

False self.

How do we let the false self balloon go?

How do we breathe in and live in our true self?

Well, it starts with knowing our worth and living in that.

 

Beautiful Lessons

Last night, I was driving home from the ball park... my place... my soul's spot...

I was thinking back on my 44 years, and began to think about my true self vs. my false self.

We all have a true self (divine nature) and a false self (natural man).

I am learning more and more about this and they are beautiful lessons.

When you are an addict, you live in your false self - where you have given up your agency, and often times work to take away the agency of others by making their choices for them:

Trying to change them, trying to love them better, etc.

One of the definitions I use for false self is quick, temporary excitement (lust).

"Validation" has appeared in my life in the form of physical touch, kissing, having men tell me that I am physically desirable.

These things have filled, albeit for an extremely short period of time, the addiction. 

They have been my fix.

However, the let down from that is not receiving a call afterwards - ghosting.

And, that let down is a real, physical pain - like a withdrawal.

I don't wish that on anyone.

When an addict is experiencing a withdrawal, we are desperate (literally, physically desperate) to get our fix.

The difference between a temporary fix and a permanent fix are not even part of our thinking. 

We NEED a fix NOW.

That is our false self.

It is MY false self.

My true self, on the other hand, is receiving validation from God - which is always there, it's infinite and it's set in stone.

He made me and He doesn't make mistakes.

He doesn't change His mind.

But, what does that look like?

For me, with dating for instance:

It looks like sitting at a baseball game, talking about kids, work, baseball, trips, goals, the gospel.

It looks like NEVER bringing up sex or inappropriate things for two people who are dating.

It looks like someone asking if you want your water refilled and walking you to your car.

It looks like, 'Please let me know you got home safely."

It looks like a text the next day, "Thank you for a wonderful time!"

It looks like going to sleep with peace, not dread.

It looks like abundance and gratitude; opposed to fear, worry, anxiety and feeling unloveable.

True self vs. false self.

 

Rejoice In It

I've found that I really love talking about my testimony, my views of the gospel, questions that I have, concerns that I have, etc.

I find that I REJOICE in it all.

I love to have meaningful conversations and to get others' points of view.

I was talking to a friend last night.

He had recommended that I read a talk from 2003.

It was a very short talk, but so powerful.

It was about eternal marriage, but this particular paragraph has meaning in so many different ways.

If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently.

You shield it.

You protect it.

You NEVER abuse it.

You don't expose it to the elements.

You don't make it common or ordinary.

If it every becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new.

It becomes special because you made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as times goes by.

I have recently made a list of things that I am unwilling to compromise on.

Unwilling.

Won't do it.

I've always compromised, you know.

On things that I should have never even questioned.

I wanted validation.

I thought I could love people enough that they would want to change.

In reality, I wanted to take away their agency...

That is what addiction does, you see.

It takes away our agency, and encourages us to want to do the same to others.

Small list of things I will not compromise on:

Dishonoring the Priesthood

Pornography

Abuse (this may seem obvious, but it's me)

Drinking alcohol

Temple marriage (worthily)

These are just a few.

There's more.

I strongly suggest that making a list of those things you are unwilling to compromise on.

It holds us accountable to our choices!

 

Let It Visit

Oh, pain.

I see you out on the front porch through the little peep hole.

I've locked the door.

The door knob, the dead bolt and the chain I screwed in last week when I saw that you were probably planning a trip to see me.

I considered putting bars on the windows, but thought otherwise.

You're knocking.

Ringing the bell repeatedly.

Now you're peeping through the windows that I've covered with heavy drapes.

I want you to go away SO BADLY.

But, locking you out only intensifies your power.

Come in.

Sit there on the sofa, covered in a gray slip to cover the rips and holes that blanket her.

I'll come sit close by.

Let's talk.

Let's visit about the things.

All the things.

Can I get you a Coke Zero?
I'm going to need a couple 44 ouncers for this talk.

Yes, I feel you.

I see you.

 I hear you.

Although I don't like our visits, I don't hope for them or desire them.

I try to over-schedule myself so I don't have time for them.

But, I recognize that you're going to come anyways.

So, I'm setting aside time and space for you.

But when we are done this time, I'll ask you to leave.

You can't stay for too long.

It's not good for either of us.

I'll show us both grace.

We both deserve grace.

I'll promise not to over-schedule myself any longer.

I promise to not barricade myself in the house, locking you out and hiding away.

I promise to honor you.

And then to open the door and let you out kindly.

I'll see you next time.

 

He Knows

 Yesterday was my first coaching session with Young Women for Living In Your Worth.

My job here is to be a faucet, with the Lord being the water source.

My job here is simply to express, passionately, that we are worthy of His love.

As I prepared to start the Zoom, I prayed to Him that He would lead and guide my thoughts.

He always does, you know.

When we are doing His work with and for His children, He always does.

My soul knows this:

KNOWS.

He knows His children.

He loves His children.

We are His children.

He so desperately wants us to know this.

And to live in it.

And, that's where Heidi The Faucet comes in.

Worth

In order to #liveinourworth, we have to know what our worth is made of.

What defines our worth?

Who defines our worth?

What raises its value and what lowers its value?

Who decides that?

Me.

My parents.

My children.

My co-workers or boss.

My bishop.

Nope.

God.

God decides.

And He already decided.

Thank Goodness!

Am I right?!

Thank Goodness!

When I coach on worth, it's origin, what makes it up and who gives it to us, I tell the story of Punchinello and Lucia, in Max Lucado's "You're Special."

However, I put MY name in place of Punchinello's name.

Throughout the story I tell from that book, I (Heidi) am Punchinello.

I am the one covered in dots.

I am the one yearning to find a way to just be loved in a place, and with people, and in a time when I feel SO unlovable.

I am the one tip-toeing up to the Carpenter's Shop, where Eli resides.

I am the one whose name He knows.

I am the one begging for Him to not judge me based on all of the dots stuck all over my body - by peers, my parents, even myself...

I am the one asking Him how in the world Lucia does it...

How does she not have ANY stickers on her? 

No stars.

No dots.

It's simple, really.

It's so simple.

She visits with Eli every single day.

She decided long ago that it was only His opinion of her that mattered.

He made her, afterall.

And, He doesn't make mistakes.

 

What It Means to Let Go

I was listening to a fabulous Zoom call last week, but was instantly baffled.

Per usual.

She talked about letting go in order to be in alignment with God.

When we are in alignment with God, things flow.

I WANT THIS.

Badly.

Please, just tell me what to do in order to make this happen STAT.

But, I was baffled because I have always been taught that we DO all we can DO, then hand it over to God.

I've been taught that we need to be proactive with our desires.

We need to do everything possible, and then He will take care of the rest.

This way of thinking pretty much wiped all of that out, and I was baffled.

I Marco Polo'd my Becky Beck.

As I do.

I told her I was baffled.

Per usual, she responded with the most simple of responses (as to not baffle me even more):

She held her two hands open.

She showed me that when our hands are open, God can put experiences in them and take them out.

He can put information in them and take information out.

We are OPEN to Him.

I am constantly white knuckling life!

I am holding on SO tight to the things I think I am supposed to be doing in order to have my desires that there is no way for Him to help me.

He DOES know our desires.

If you haven't told Him what yours are, tell Him!

He also knows the timing of everything.

Everything.

He knows when we are ready for the next step, and when we are not.

He knows who we are ready for, and who we are not ready for.

That is why it is line upon line and precept upon precept.

So, this is what I am working on right this minute...

Unclinching my fists and letting it flow.

 

Gentle Friday Reminder

I AM thankful.

And I'm hurting.

I AM full of gratitude.

And I'm sad.

I AM doing my best to live in abundance.

And, I'm full of trauma.

I AM fighting.

And, I'm exhausted.

I'm working hard to live in the present.

I'm reminded, daily, of my past.

I AM feeling my feelings.

They are hard.

I am no longer pretending.

I'm feeling.

I am no longer accepting what is not meant for me.

I'm making mistakes.

I do feel drained and awful.

I am still here.

Gentle reminder:

This is my season right now.

Yes, it has felt like a 44-year season.

And that sucks.

But, it's my season.

I'm doing the best I know how to do.

 

The Boundary

Do you ever feel like one trial must not be enough, so let's just pile them on?

A lady asked me yesterday if I was tired because I had a baby...

I informed her I stopped having babies almost 18 years ago...

I was tired because of the weight of carrying traumas.

She had nothing to say after that.

Like, if it was because I had a baby then that would have been a legitimate reason to be tired.

However, carrying traumas for 43 years isn't.

Note taken.

One boundary that I feel is important to talk about is this:

Allow me to preface this by saying that everyone is different.

Everyone has different triggers.

Different emotions

Different points of view.

This is simply mine.

1. Please don't include me in group messages or texts with someone who literally destroyed our family, someone who I put all my trust into, someone I was committed to and loyal to and loved. Please don't include me in any conversations that include that person.

2. Thank you for thinking of my kids and I as family or friends, or whatever it might be. However, please use common sense and decency when holding an activity in which the person I aforementioned is also invited. I, nor my children, want to be in his presence. I, nor my children, don't want to hear about him or talk about him or have anything to do with him.

3. When boundaries have been set, yet not respected, and my sisters step in and go full-on protective mode because of this --- they are not the villains here. They are not the "crazy ones" here. They are asserting the boundaries that I tried to set that are not being respected.

One more note:

Healing is not pretty.

It is not a straight line.

It's not even one line.

It's a shit show of epic proportions.

I am not in a good place right now, Friends.

But, I'm here.

I'm fighting and I'm trying.

If that is not something you are willing to understand or open to being supportive of, please respect boundaries.