Digging Into Emotions

I love this artwork.

I love the illustrations of emotions.

I would totally frame pictures of me with my different emotions throughout the hour!!

Because, Heaven knows I have plenty!

Beautiful.

Friday, I went down to IMC for my monthly neuro checkup.

Erica (my attending) had given me homework at my August checkup. 

It was a packet on emotion regulation.

I was to highlight each word, in each emotional category, that made me uncomfortable.

Every single word in the shame and fear categories was highlighted.

(insert emoji of girl with her hands up like, "dunno.")

So, we really dug deep into the shame and fear emotions. 

I'll give you two pretty intense examples of my constant state of emotion:

Two months ago, when I went to IMC for my checkup - 

I went to get on an elevator and pushed the button.

An elevator door re-opened.

There were two people on it.

One was Erica.

I immediately said, "Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to inconvenience you."

When we got to her office, she said, "Oh, Heidi. You never need to apologize for getting on an elevator with people."
But, I sincerely felt like I had just inconvenienced them by pushing the elevator.

I didn't want them to not like me.

I didn't want them to think that I was being selfish by pushing the elevator button to go to the 8th floor.

Second example happened Friday -

I got to IMC and went to park.

Mind you, the parking lot is empty, People.

Empty.

So, I parked in the closest spot there was.

As you do.

Then, I sat in my car for a good two to three minutes wondering if I should go re-park my car because what if I offended someone by parking my car in the closest spot?

What if someone else wanted that spot?

What if someone else is going to see my car there and be upset?

For real.

We talked about this.

She noted how I must be exhausted all the time

I am.

I am emotionally exhausted all of the time.

I desperately want people to accept me and like me.

I don't want to impede anyone.

I don't want people to dislike me.

I don't want to hurt people.

It is exhausting.

And, it takes a lot of therapy!

Growth

For my Senior year Spring Break trip, two friends and I went to Rexburg, Idaho.

...

...

I'm sort of imagining what people's faces did as they read that first sentence.

Three of us gals from Utah went to Rexburg, Idaho for SPRING BREAK.

The first night, we ate a tofu dinner and stayed in Logan, Utah with my uncle and his family.

The second night, we stayed in Idaho Falls at my favorite person's house - my Great Aunt Lois and my Great Uncle Ray. You guys... there is no better place on this planet.

Uncle Ray took us gals on a drive around town!

In his Lincoln Continental.

We literally felt like celebrities!

Aunt Lois made us a seven-course dinner, as she always does and a five-course breakfast, per usual.

Then, we gals headed 30 minutes north to the crazy-party College town of Rexburg.

One of my friends had a sister who was attending College at the time.

She lived in a dorm.

We seriously thought we were the coolest EVER.

Staying in a dorm with College girls.

In Rexburg, Idaho.

Turns out we met three College boys.

They asked us three gals on a date.

Oh my goodness!

We were asked on dates with three College boys!

They picked us up in a two-door car. 

Six of us.

In a two-door car.

We began driving... well, the one guy began driving.

It was nighttime.

We gals had no idea where we were.

Out to the sand dunes we went!

Listening to Boys To Men on the cassette tape.

Two of us gals sitting on two of the guys laps in the back, bent pretty much in half because we couldn't sit straight up in the car.

Let's cut to the chase, here.

There are no restrooms in the sand dunes.

There was a lot of laughing.

I wet my pants - well one of the dorm roommates pants, since I wanted to be cool and dress like a College girl - on the lap of this guy who I had never met before.

Wet my pants.

Completely emptied my bladder.

On the guy. 

In a small car.

In another girl's pants.

On a long ride home.

The next day, we went to church.

"We" meaning us gals.

We walked right up to our previous night dates.

They literally pretended like they had never met us before in our lives.

Ever.

In the history of ever.

Never seen us before ever.

That night, I learned a couple of lessons:

ALWAYS pee before leaving home.

No matter what.

Pee.

Empty that bladder.

Two-

Don't EVER sit on a guy's lap.

Especially if you have not emptied your bladder fully and completely.

Three-

Do not wear a stranger's pants ever.

Poor girl.

She loved those pants.

I often hear people say that they failed.

Or that they are a failure.

Or that they are sick of failing.

I have often heard myself saying this over the four decades I've been alive.

In fact, more than I've said anything to myself... I'm pretty sure.

Failure is not a thing.

"Just because you did something wrong in the past doesn't mean you can't advocate against it now. It doesn't make you a hypocrite. You grew. Don't let people use your past to invalidate your current mindset... Growth: A concept. Embrace it."

Making mistakes is expected.

Making bad choices is expected.

No one is exempt from doing those two things.

Some of us are a little more semi-pro at it than others!

But, that does not equal failure.

It doesn't mean that we tell someone that we will wait at the bottom of the cliff for them because that's where they always end up...

Everyone has the ability to grow.

Everyone has the ability to do better.

Everyone has the ability to make different choices.

Like, not wetting their pants on the lap of a stranger!

Pay close attention to those who don't root for your rise.

Then place boundaries.

Growth: 

A concept. Embrace it.

For Real For Real!

So, the whole not feeling feelings until I was 42 thing is a bit weird, if we are being honest.

I don't know anything different, which makes it seem even more weird.

Remember when I told my therapist that I was REALLY angry and she started clapping?!

It's weird like that...

Like, my shrink is applauding because I'm raging mad.

Like, "Well done, Heidi Rae. Well done."

Except it was more like a celebration.

Perhaps we should have had a pinata because, Heaven knows, I LOVE pinatas and since P is in Heaven and can't get me one in the foreseeable future, I could really use one in therapy.

I asked my shrink how long I would be angry for.

She gave me the compassionate, yet wildly amused that she actually has a patient like me, grin...

"Until you're not angry anymore, Heidi. Until you work through it."

She explained, remember that anger has a purpose.

A purpose, People!
Imagine that!
Like, it's okay!

Once that purpose had been served, I would move on to a different feeling - like there is more than this!

Taking a quick right turn here - like the tires are squealing around the corner -

I work with a gal.

Yup, I said "gal."

I literally asked her about a year ago what the name of her drug was because I needed it STAT.

This gal is legit happy, crazy-friendly, perky, NICE all.of.the.time.

You guys!
Never is she NOT like this.

I quite literally walked up to her and said, "What is the name of your medication?"

Do you know what she said to me?

"I'm just high on life."

Huh?

Why?

Are you sure?
There are no drugs AT ALL in your system?

Because there is no way this is actually even possible...

"Yes, Heidi. Just high on life!"

And she literally skipped back into her office.

She is older than me.

She is for real for real.

I often watch her, in all of her happy (like carnival ride with sticky cotton candy and fried foods while blowing bubbles happy) glory.

And, it is glory.

It's crazy magical or something.

Like, black magic.

Anywho... 

I watch her and I feel bad about my dang self for a hot minute.

Like, why am I not high on life??

Like, why do I not enjoy being at work 9 hours a day like she does?

Why am I not just overly friendly to people who are swearing at me, whilst spitting on me because they are unable to talk angrily without spitting or something??

Why do I not have a bounce in my step with my hair following behind in a perfectly choreographed frame of goodness?

Here's the thing...

NO ONE is happy all of the time.

It's not really a thing.

Not even for my idol, Miss L!

We go through seasons, even daily.

Welcome to Utah!

We literally go through all four seasons, People.

But, we are talking about emotions and sometimes we go through different seasons all in the same day.

Sometimes we are happy and angry and sad and tired and scared and completely joyful all in the same day.

That's sort of the way it's supposed to be.

And, it's okay.

Even when we are high on life, the winds of change come and we can experience human emotions that are normal and healthy and are going to happen.

Feel it.

Be okay with it.

Alone

My T sent this to me this morning.

She and Miss Birdie are excellent at sending me quotes all of the time.

Quotes have always been "cool" to me.

Now they resonate with me.

I feel them.

I understand them.

I know them.

Social media is great and horrible for a lot of reasons.

One reason it is good is to network.

To expand our group of "friends."

One reason it is bad is because not everyone is our friend.

Feel me?

I am grateful for those on social media who reach out to me, seeking advice.

Asking for a listening ear.

Right now, I am learning to be a stronger person myself to be able to then spill out goodness and love and compassion in the most positive way.

Right now, I am still learning to ride a bike without training wheels.

So, sometimes I have to say, "I love you. I see you. I hear you. I wish I could help you, but I am still learning to walk on two feet."

Sometimes I tell them what I do to help myself with anxiety and such.

What I hear a lot is how alone people feel.

I think we all feel alone at times - with our thoughts, our feelings, our trials...

I told my therapist last week that I feel like I wake up every morning and it's me against the world.

Ever feel that way?

Does anyone hear our tears?

Does anyone know how heavy our life feels?

Does anyone see us?
Does anyone give a flying rat about us???

I've had too many experiences to deny that there is a power greater than us.

We are known.

We are heard.

We are seen.

And we are NEVER alone.

Ever.

Even if we feel that we are all on our own.

We are never alone.

Choosing You

I have always been a girl who wanted to be loved.

I have always been a girl who wanted people to be proud of me.

I have always wanted people to like me.

I have always wanted people to speak highly of me.

I have always wanted to be the one who could brighten the lives of everyone else.

To that end, I have always been a "yes" girl.

If someone told me something that I could or should do differently, I'd try to do it - even if it was in secret of hiding.

If someone mentioned something I was not good at it, I'd try really hard to be good at it - even if they never noticed.

If someone talked about how I was bad in relationships, I would try with all my might to get into the best relationship ever so that they would be proud.

I tried to be a good homemaker, so people would see I was trying.

I tried to be a good, organized cook so people would see I had a talent.

I have tried to be the best mom to my boys, all by myself, all the while losing the battle by leaps and bounds because I simply couldn't do it all whilst trying to be the best at stuff that never mattered.

When my second grade teacher, Mrs. Kuiper, told us every single morning that bragging and talking highly of ourselves was bad and that people would never like us if we did that - I took it to the extreme opposite and was so self-deprecating that I literally hated myself.

When I was told that I was too heavy to fit into the cute clothes, or to ever have the boys like me, I starved myself until I was 103 pounds.

When I was told that I was too this or too that or not enough this or not enough that or I should be doing this or shouldn't be doing that, I shoved all of those feelings into a closet because I had no idea what to do with them. No clue.

I had never been taught what to do with feelings.

What they were. What to do with them.

I just wanted so desperately to be loved and accepted just as me.

In the end, I had no idea who I actually was.

I had tried so hard to be what everyone else told me to be.

Now, I get to figure out who I am.

And when we know who we are, we get to choose us.

Every time.

We get to be who we are.

The best version of us.

The divine creature we were created to be.

Regardless of whether or not other people like it or not.

We just get to be us.

Worth & Value

As a reminder, because we each need a reminder daily:

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

You are needed.

You are alive for a reason.

You are always stronger than you think (because you are truly never alone).

You are going to get through this (whatever it is).

I am glad you are alive.

Don't give up.

Whether an addict or not;

Whether a sinner or not (except there is no such thing as not);

You are enough.

You are needed.

You are worth it.

Life is hard enough.

The outside is hard enough.

The things that we battle internally every day are hard enough.

Let's be kind to ourselves.

We are divine.

Regardless of whether or not you believe in a higher power, trust me on this one:

You are divine.

Morphing

I remember one day in junior high school, going for a drive to a building in West Valley.

My "best friend," Lea, was in the front passenger seat.

I was in the back seat with her niece, who was in a car seat.

Driving was Lea's sister. 

While driving, Lea lit up a cigarette.

I was directly behind her in the car.

I started to cry.

Like, a lot.

Crying a lot!

I was devastated that my best friend was smoking.

We were in eighth grade.

Her sister saw me crying in the rear view mirror and told Lea.

Lea chastised me for crying.

Soon after, we pulled up to the building we were going to.

There were a lot of older guys there - like early 20's.

We were 14.

They flocked to Lea and to her sister.

They were all smoking.

The girls were getting so much attention, as I stood in the background playing with Lea's niece.

Somewhere in that time, I recognized that Lea and her sister were smoking, that the men liked that and that they got attention for doing that.

I unconsciously saw that sometimes when we morph into someone for someone, they pay attention to us.

Another time, as an adult and already a mother, I was on a business trip with a co-worker.

We were in a different state, receiving training.

There were hundreds of people there, receiving the same training.

We would go out every night after the training to restaurants and to bars with these people.

Note: I am not judging anyone here! At this time in my life, I had never had an alcoholic drink. Ever. It wasn't in my need-to-do view.

Everyone drank, and drank a lot at these restaurants and bars.

Then, a small group of people would come to our hotel room and hang out.

Most of these people were married.

I was not.

While at restaurants and bars, the two of us from the original office would order O'Douls, as to fit in with the rest.

Have you ever tried that stuff??

Freaking disgusting.

Like, so gross.

I don't know how people can drink that stuff or beer!

I noticed that if as we morphed into what they did and what they thought was entertaining, they would like me.

They would think I was cool.

My addiction is to seek validation, love, affection, attention...

From anyone.

In particular, from men.

It wasn't until counseling started that I recognized that with that addiction comes the need to morph into what I think people want me to be.

That way they will like me.

That way they will accept me.

That way they will be proud of me.

Even as an adult!

Even as an adult - giving into pressure to be what people want me to be.

Then living it like a boss.

I now understand that I need to know who I am.

I need to know how God sees me.

I need to know what I want to be, then be that and nothing else.

I get to choose.

Not based off of what I think certain people want me to be, but based off of what Heavenly Father and I believe I should be.

That's pretty empowering!

It's a daily struggle to remind myself that I don't have to talk a certain way, or think a certain way for someone or something.

I get to be me.

And if people don't like that me, then that's okay.