Heidi Rae Coaching - Honor The Needs of Your Soul

Babes!!

If I am repeating this story, please forgive me. Recently someone said to me that B and I seem to make each other very happy. I responded by telling them that before meeting each other we had both done the work to make ourselves happy, and that's why we are happy. It isn't now, nor will it ever be, B's job to make me happy. That's all on me.

The last few days, I've felt this shift in my attitude. I've been short, defensive, almost ready for a fight - but not really sure where that fight might come from. I've checked my vitals:

* I'm eating good

* I'm drinking water

* I'm spending time with family and holding babies

* I'm getting outside (maybe not enough)

* I'm moving my body (probably not enough)

I baked cookies. I got in the pool. I colored. I watched Celebrity Family Feud for crying out loud! Still, though... something is off.

***Note: it's actually normal for things to just seem off. There doesn't actually have to be anything "wrong" to feel off. It's still imperative to check my vitals to ensure I am doing what I need to be doing. But sometimes, I'm just going to be off.

Last night, B got home early for a Monday evening. He asked if I wanted to go watch Ryker's football conditioning. This would be a "Yes" 99% of the time, but last night I said, "No." He was perplexed, and internally I was too. What IS wrong with me, I questioned out loud.

I stayed home and I weeded the front yard, then I mowed the front lawn... which I've never done because it's the boys' job. I swept. I put garbages out. I went in the house and cleaned out the dishwasher, started some laundry, cleaned off counters. I sat on the edge of the tub and washed my grass-stained feet. Then I laid in bed with the dogs.

I guess it's what my soul needed. So, I honored that. Because that's my job.

"Caring for your own body, mind, and spirit is your greatest (and grandest) responsibility. It's about listening to the needs of your soul and then honoring them." Kristi Ling

XOXOXO

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Heidi Rae Coaching - Seeing Ourselves in Others' Stories

Babes!!

This one can be triggering. If you are in a multi-year state of recovery from validation addiction, or any process addiction for that matter, this can be empowering. It can also bring about a LOT of feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc. So, let's talk about it!!

Last week I watched a documentary on Hulu called, "Betrayal: The Perfect Husband." It is a documentary about a man who was rewarded "teacher of the year." He was married, divorced, re-married. He was a husband whilst having dozens of affairs that went on for years, whilst also grooming and abusing his students. He served prison time for this, has been released on parole, and is a registered sex offender. The documentary takes the point of view of his wife (at the time, they are now divorced), his mistresses and his victims.

As I watched this film, I was a bit triggered. I saw messages he sent to women and children that I had been sent. (not by him, but the wording was exact, word-for-word, what I had been sent by other men) I heard the thoughts and feelings of the women involved. I watched his personal reactions and responses. It all felt familiar. It WAS familiar.

I took some time after each episode and asked myself how I was feeling. What were my thoughts? What were my emotions? I was able to understand that I am different now than I was then - and for 40 years of my life! And that felt good.

I was also able to understand that if I had watched this exact same documentary five or six years ago, I would not have even sorta kinda understood that I was absolutely drawn in by these disgusting text messages, social media messages, in-person messages... that I was absolutely one of those women who predators could pick out of a crowd and lure in. I was completely unaware of who I was, and I simply didn't care. I did not care who I was because I was perfectly willing to be whoever every other human on earth wanted me to be - in that very moment. I was absolutely enthralled with any "attention" I would get. It meant I was worthy of love. I was loveable. All I ever wanted was to be loved, and to have someone love me enough to, like, want to be with me. I want to just wrap my arms around the former me. I want to just hold that me and tell her that I was worthy... oh, so worthy of actual love, actual respect AND that I could give that to myself!!

As I watched and listened to this man's now ex-wife, I marveled at her. This is a successful, smart, confident, all-in woman. She does not present as a helpless female who needed a partner in her life. She is beautiful. She is respected. She is dignified all by herself! And yet, she was absolutely a victim of his and had no idea for years. One of the things said of her toward the end of the documentary really hit me. She was speaking of his release from prison and one of her dearest friends spoke of how it felt for his ex-wife to watch this person who did all he could to destroy her life, dozens of lives, and who abused minors to watch him "land softly" when released. That was hard for her to watch. That resonated with me! There is something to be said about maybe watching parts of our own story be replayed in different ways in others' lives and having all the feels! I asked myself why I felt so, I don't know - supportive or empathetic, with her feelings. Was it because I felt the real need to watch the people in my life somehow suffer for "hurting me?" No. Actually, no not at all now that I've done so much work. Was it because I felt the sense of needing predators/abusers to suffer publicly so that everyone can actually see that they are doing terrible things? Why? Then, I stopped myself and just had comfort i knowing that I sympathized and empathized with this stranger simply because I could. Because I understood. Because I knew. Then I moved forward.

There are definitely times when, as we are going through recovery and healing, we may see ourselves in others' lives. It can be triggering. It can also be a really positive experience where we can look back at our lives and recognize how dang far we have come. And, I've come far.

XOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Feel Your Feelings

Babes!!

Raise your hand if are someone who tries to stay as busy as possible in order to avoid feeling. Oh, goodness! I spent over three decades doing everything possible to avoid feeling. EVERYTHING!

When we, or loved ones, are struggling with heavy things, we tend to point out the "positives" in the situation. We are well-meaning humans trying to help. But in reality, we are assisting with that very mortal need to avoid feeling. We say things like:

"It's a blessing in disguise!"

"At least you have ___ or ____."

"In the end, it will be okay!"

"At least you don't have this trial or that trial!"

"You'll look back on this and realize it was a stepping stone to bigger and better things!"

While those sentiments might actually turn out to be true, in the moment we don't need to (and shouldn't) say any of them. Instead we need to validate the feelings that we, or others, are feeling. We need to encourage feeling them. We need to let them know that it's healthy and normal to feel whatever they are feeling: anger, fear, frustration, confusion, sadness, numbness... There are no bad feelings. They are just feelings!

So instead of trying to help people NOT feel, we can say things like:

"Those feelings are valid!"

"Wow! I can't even imagine what feelings you must be having. Do you want to talk about them?"

"What space can I hold for you while you experience this?"

"I see you. I hear you. I'm here for you when you want to talk."

Processing and experiencing feelings is a healthy part of living a full life! When we try to suppress "bad" feelings, we are not able to experience "good" feelings. Struggling with emotions and feelings, or putting them off, or hiding them, or shaming ourselves for having them leads to MORE suffering!

Feel!!

XOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Time Management

 Babes!!

What if time management can aid in our ability to improve our self validation?! First, let's talk self-management and time-management.

Self-management (which will guide our self-validation journey) is focused on behavior, how we spend our time, and therefore how we feel about ourselves.

Time-management is focused on tasks, action items, when we need to complete them and how we will do so. Completing tasks that we need to, and want to, achieve is so beneficial to our self-management!

PLUS when we are managing our time, we have more time for self care, rest, and overall a healthier well being.

NOTE:

I have two daughters who just had babies within the last week. Time management for them looks a whole lot different than time management for someone who is retired. We are each in our own season of life. Some of us have other little humans who depend on us for everything. Some of us have raised little humans who are now big humans and are self-sufficient. Some of us don't have little or big humans, but have a brain and a heart and a soul who need nourishment and love. I see you. I hear you.

I've talked about this a hundred times and I am going to do it again. When I was at IMC following my stroke, the time management was tight. There was a white board in my room with slots for every half hour. The night before, the team would come in and schedule out my entire day. Every single half hour slot was filled with something. Shower, eat, rest, eye therapy, swallow therapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy, counseling, nutrition therapy, nap, etc. This was so effective because I knew exactly what I was doing and when. I knew the goal of that half hour, just based on the job. I knew who I would be with for that half hour. I knew that this schedule was getting me closer and closer to being home with my boys.

I keep calendars every where now. I've always been pretty structured and routine oriented. I am a note-taker, calendar-keeper, and task checker-offer! With grown kids who have families, new babies, two kids in sports, family activities, work, more work, rest-required post stroke, a home to manage, I thrive with lists and calendars. It keeps me on task and each time I complete one, I validate the success with my dang self!

Attached is a daily habits sample that you can print off if you'd like. Personally, I keep a to-do list at work for the work day. I keep a calendar at work for work appointments and tasks. I keep a desk calendar with work events, family events, home events, birthdays, sports times and places, etc. I keep a family calendar on the fridge at home with family items. I also keep a calendar in my phone for reminders. It works for me so well!

By managing our time, we can improve our work-life balance. By taking two seconds to validate your accomplishments and your task completions, you are improving your ability to make your self-validation practice a habit!

XOXOXO

Heidi Rae Coaching - Their Opinions

 Validation Addiction is a tricky one, Babes!!

The opinions of others are not only all-consuming in your thoughts, but they are the guide by which you live your life. The intense NEED to make other people proud of you, or make other people like you is debilitating. Your sense of self is lost in the translation of what you believe others want of, and from, you. You cease to be you.

Exhausting.

Everything you do. The way you dress. The way you talk. The music you listen to. The weight you could quite literally die to sustain. The relationships you do, or do not, form. It is all based on the opinions of others. The job you have. The schooling you have, or don’t have. The way you raise your kids. The way you walk and talk and how high you jump.

Exhausting.

Recovery from Validation Addiction is also a tricky one, but the best kind of trick ever! It’s how we rewire our brains to understand that their opinions don’t actually matter.

Insert storyline from “You are Special,” by Max Lucado. Remember Lucia?! None of the Wemmick stickers stuck because she didn’t care what the Wemmicks thought. She only cared what Eli thought and Eli doesn’t make mistakes. Once Punchinello understood that, he rewired his brain and began to believe that their opinion of him didn’t matter either. As soon as he believed that, the stickers fell off of him… one by one.

Like Punchinello, we can believe in our value as is and the weight of the stickers (their opinions of us) will fall off. One by one. It doesn’t mean they won’t try to put stickers on you. They will. It doesn’t mean that some of those stickers won’t stick. Some will. It doesn’t mean that the heaviness of those few stickers won’t make you feel overwhelmed and cause you to question your worth. They will. But, one by one they will fall and you will feel lighter and less overwhelmed by their weight.

Less exhausting.

You will learn all about you. YOU will decide what you do, how you dress, how you talk, what music you love. You will decide what is healthy for your body, what relationships to be in, what job feels the best to you. You will validate yourself. You will trust yourself. You will set boundaries and determine if where you are at is good enough for you.

Pretty fun.

You will learn to let them judge you, misunderstand you, talk about you. You will realize that you no longer need to pull a chair up to that table. You get to choose what table you sit at, and I hope you choose the one that doesn’t talk about you when you walk away. I hope you never doubt your worth. I hope you stay authentically you. I hope you live your truth and that you live it to the fullest.

Exhilarating.

#toptiptuesday #tuesdaytips #worth #letthemjudgeyou #youareenough

Heidi Rae Coaching - What If Mother's Day is Hard

Babes!!

In preparation for celebrating moms this weekend:

I see you if you are grieving a child or a mother

I see you if you have a complicated relationship with a child or your mother

I see you if you are longing to be a mother

I see you if you are doing the very best you can and it still doesn't feel like enough

I see you if you are feeling alone

I see you if you have given your child to another family through adoption

I see you if you have disabled children

I see you if you are co-parenting

I see you if you are truly a single mom, with no co-parent

I see you if you are a stepmom or a bonus mom

I see you if you are sleep deprived

I see you if motherhood isn't at all what you had envisioned

I see you if you have ever made a dinner that no one ate; if you have ever wondered if you would make it to bedtime; if you have lost your patience over and over again; if you've never been told that you're doing a great job; if you've ever been up all night and woke up drained but still pushed through your day; if you've ever said out loud, "Are you effing kidding me?"; if you've ever cried big tears in your car

You are not alone. You are seen. You are heard. You are loved. Mother's Day can be the most beautiful day of the year. It can also be the hardest for some. For most of us, there is a bit of a mix.

This week, I hope that you feel that you are enough. I hope that you know that, no matter where you are on your motherhood journey, you are worthy of love and hope and grace.

#TopTipTuesday #Grace #mothersday #momlife #singlemomlife #coparenting #bonusmom #surrogate #adoption #angelmom #infertility #gigilife #grandma #aunt #teachers #stepmom #grievingmother

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Outcomes

Babes!

This is going to be a long one, so get comfy!

I was going to preface this story by saying that it is about a "friend." But, that'd be a big, fat lie because it's ALL ABOUT ME. The great thing about recovery and therapy and all the things is that we become super, almost hyper, aware of our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Sometimes it just takes us (me) a whiiiiiile to get to the correct actions!

I raised four boys. I raised four very, very independent, hard-working boys. I had no other choice. I needed us to be a team in order to get through each day. My boys, Colton included, did their own laundry from the time they were 10. They took turns fixing meals, going grocery shopping, cleaning, organizing, running other errands, and supporting one another at activities. I am so grateful today as I watch them supporting families of their own!

Fast forward to now - my boys are grown and I have three other boys that I get to love & support. I suppose it's because I "can," but I am not treating them at all the same! My actions have taught them how to behave! B has told me several times over the last year+ to not "baby" them. I continued to say, "I'll decide!" Well, all of that deciding has now led to where we are at today:

For the last few weeks, I have come over from work with ATTTTITUDE. I don't take my shoes off or even take my purse off of my shoulder. I immediately walk into the kitchen, where others are sitting, and clean up all of the empty glasses, bowls, empty soda cans, garbage, etc. Then I start the dishwasher. Then I pull out the laundry baskets and start laundry. Then I make dinner. Don't forget all of the sports events, practices, tournaments... And the best part - in my head for just a split second I am ANGRY that no one seems to realize that I'm mad!!!!! How can they NOT notice that I am really irate?! How can they not see that this is why I am exhausted?! Afterall, I'm doing everything!!!

Let's pause.

This is the moment when I have a conversation with my dang self. Heidi, who are you mad at?

Myself.

Why?

Because my actions have taught them how to treat me. (my actions have taught them not to do anything because Heidi will do it)

Heidi, who are you taking this out on?

B.

Why?

Why not?!?!

Note: B does a ton. He gets my breakfast and lunch ready every morning while I'm getting ready. He cleans the bathrooms. He makes sure yard work is done. He TRIES to do the dishes and the laundry and sweeping and mopping. I have literally told him not to because "it's my job."

So, Saturday I broke.

"Babe, I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I recognize that this is my doing and I need help to fix it."

B:

"We will work together to re-teach the boys to take care of their stuff themselves!! BUT, you have to let these things go and not do it for them."

Me:

Deal.

Couple of things here:

* We literally teach people how to treat us

* My actions, and lack thereof, led to this outcome

* Only I can fix this

We are very quick to blame our feelings on others. Like - if they would just help me, I wouldn't feel this way. We are very fast to assign our feelings and emotions to others.

Great news: when we handle our own business, we feel SO MUCH better!!

So: own your issues. Understand where they are coming from. NOTE: there are certainly times when are feelings are due to the actions of others, but I find that a good number of mine are personal! Change your behavior so that your outcomes are also different.

XOXOXO