Heidi Rae Coaching - Holiday Check In

Babes!!

It's that time. It's the holidays. How are you doing?

Really, how are you doing? Are you feeling joy and excitement? Are you thrilled to see family & friends? Eat great food? Listen to holly jolly music? Decorate?

Or, are you nervous? Anxious about the get-togethers? Feeling sad? Lonely? Isolated? Will you not be seeing family or friends because of boundaries or because you're not invited or because there is not a seat at the table for you? Are you feeling stress due to expenses? Food? Do the holidays bring tears to your eyes?

Remember a few years ago when my kids were having Thanksgiving dinner with family members and I was not invited so I drove to Wyoming by myself? It was a beautiful drive!

Any feelings you have are valid. All feelings you have are valid. Yes, a lot of people LOVE the holidays. Their food platters look perfectly delicious. Their outfits are coordinated. There is laughter and hugs within the walls of their events. It's magical. Yes, a lot of people don't have any of that. They eat frozen pizza (that rising pizza one is pretty good, actually!). They are by themselves, listening to the football games. They are wearing their yoga pants and oversized hoodies.

No matter what your situation is, I see you. I hear you. I want to send you virtual hugs. I want to root for your rise. You are not alone, even when you feel very lonely.

XOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Success is Not Perfection

Babes!!!

I started an accountability program last week. Hear me out before you judge me! I was always a big girl when I was younger. Then I had four babies in four years and gained 70 pounds with each and every one of them. Literally. In 2010, I had developed an eating disorder which I didn't even realize I had. I was a single mama, trying to keep my children alive and just completely stopped taking care of myself physically (although looking back, I'm not sure I really ever took care of myself). I was admitted to the hospital, weighing 103 pounds. I would not be discharged until I was at 120 pounds. I maintained that weight for over a decade.

Over the last year, or so, I've gained about 18 pounds. Before you roll your eyes or tell me that I'm not fat or tell me that 18 pounds is nothing... it IS something to me because I feel less healthy. I have tried different things: intermittent fasting which I did before, changing my eating habits, etc. Nothing worked. Finally, I paid for a program that is on my phone which makes me accountable for my eating, my movement, my water intake, my mood, my sleep, and it educates me on things like my age, my hormones, my health issues and how this all effects my weight, etc. I am loving it because I am accountable to MYSELF and it gives me that opportunity to SELF-validate!

Anywho, one of the lessons from last week had this quote: "You don't have to be perfect in order to be successful."

I am just obsessed with this quote! When my dad coached baseball, he always said, "Practice does not make perfect; it makes permanent." I always thought that was so weird... now I see how true it is! The lesson went on to say that perfect takes away any chance of action. If we are perfect at something, there is no longer any need for action! We are successful at things hundreds of times a day! I was successful this morning at getting out of bed. (as someone who had a stroke and was completely paralyzed on the left side - that is no small feat!) I was successful at washing my hair, putting makeup on, getting dressed, making my lunch, driving to work, being to work on time, etc. However, my hair does not look perfect. My makeup is never perfect. I went over the speed limit on my way to work - not perfect. You get the picture. I WAS successful, but not perfect. And success is rad!

Striving for perfection discredits our successes! Read that one again. Perfection causes us to lose out, or completely ignore, opportunities. It also causes us to strive for something that we are not even supposed to achieve in this life, so let's calm ourselves down and celebrate every single dang success!!

I'm totally rooting for you!

XOXOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Control

Babes!!

Control, in and of itself, is a process addiction. Control can manifest itself in so many ways, and differently in each person's life. Some people want control over their work; others want control over their body - what they eat and don't eat, what exercise they do and how much, what their body parts look like and what injections and/or surgeries they feel necessary. Some people want control over their spouse or their children; others control their home cleanliness, organization, etc. Control over money is another one...

Validation Addiction also has tendencies toward control. As I was learning to recognize my feelings and emotions, Katryna would have me talk it out with her. Often times, it came down to me feeling like I didn't have any control. And that was so hard for me. Here I was, having spent decades trying to morph into whatever and whoever others wanted me to be... now trying to learn who I was and letting go of the fact that I didn't need anyone else's validation (that I was good enough, completely worth as-is), and I had no control over anything. I think that trying to control something, anything almost replaced that initial addiction of validation.

I have been dissecting me mood over the last couple of weeks. Where is my frustration stemming from? It's lasted longer than 24 hours, Heidi Rae, so let's figure this out! And there it was...

We had our Family Halloween Dinner on Sunday. I had anxiety. A lot of anxiety. I was WAY over-thinking every single detail of the thing... per usual. Dinner was at 3, and everyone knew dinner was at 3. But I knew that people would be asking if we were eating before that. Having everyone in the kitchen while I was trying to get things ready would cause me a lot of stress. Would the three and five year olds be entertained enough? Would the older kids be happy? Would anybody be happy? Would it get too hot in the house? I shouldn't use the oven. What about the stove? I have to use the stove. Would there be enough table space and counter space? I seem to run out of that every month. What about decorating cookies? Would anyone want to? Would the two oldest grandbabies like the aprons I got them? Would they be okay with handing them out to neighbors? Would if people don't like the spaghetti I make? What if they preferred green salad, rather than the caeser I made? What if I should have done garlic bread instead of rolls? What if they wanted strawberry ice cream instead of the chocolate or vanilla I bought? Burke cleaned the bathrooms, but what if they aren't clean enough? What if I didn't mop good enough and the floors look dirty?

**I'm not kidding. This is what is cycling over and over and over through my head. For days. No wonder I had a stroke.**

Here is what I DID do:

* Be proactive. I grabbed protein bars and chips and things we had in the pantry and just set them in the middle of the kitchen table for people to snack on before dinner.

* I had spaghetti sauce AND alfredo sauce for people to choose from.

* I opened windows in the morning to get the house nice and cool, made sure the ceiling fan was on and the box fan. If people wanted to go outside, they could.

* I went to the gym very first thing to make sure I had moved my body! I drank my water. I did my vitals.

Thought work!!

- Who cares if people don't like spaghetti or alfredo, Heidi? This is not Chuck-a-Rama. If they don't want a roll, don't have a roll. Same with the salad. They either like it or they don't. McDonalds is on their way home, Heidi.

- Burke cleaned the bathrooms. They are fine. It's a bathroom, Heidi. It's not Grand America.

- I talked to Burke and told him about my fears. He reminded me that it is not my responsibility to entertain the grandbabies. They have an entire play area downstairs. They have uncles who can play with them. They have amazing parents. He was great about making sure that our #1 being-in-the-kitchen kid (the 14 year old) wasn't in the kitchen, constantly touching me. Burke was (per usual) amazing about everything - helping with grandbabies, letting Jack and Isis rest, making sure the yard was great, being so excited for Kehlani and Aria to wear their aprons (which they loved), making sure the ice cream (which everyone ate) was cleaned up after...

It went fine. Yes, I was cognitively exhausted afterwards. I laid in bed once everyone left. But, it was a good day.

I have to constantly remind myself that being in control does not equal peace or happiness. I have to constantly remind myself that I don't control the traffic, but I can look up and see the sunrise. I don't control what other people think about me or say to me, but I can hang up the phone or walk away. I can't always control what my hair looks like or my body looks like, but I can ALWAYS remind myself that my worth is not up for discussion.

Being aware is key. And, I'm getting pretty good at that. So, bravo Heidi Rae. We got this! One event, one step, one hard thought at a time!

XOXOXOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Grumpy Pants

 Babes!!

What IF you are just a grumpy beast somedays? I find that this is a common occurrence for this Gigi lately! Yesterday was one of those. Let's try to dissect this:

1. I have a beautiful life. Therefore, I feel guilty when I have these days.

2. I have been so, overwhelmingly grumpy lately. No patience. Little empathy. Just really wanting to isolate, but not wanting to isolate. Irritated with very small things. REALLY irritated with bigger things.

3. Guilty for feeling those ways. (see #1)

4. Feeling hurt by some things going on around me that are completely out of my control, and not surprising.

5. Things at work feel very much out out of my control, which I struggle with. They feel unorganized because of this. I don't know from day to day who will be at work, even though the circumstances totally warrant this.

6. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. (see #1)

7. Because of the way that work is, I worry a lot about my brain and cognitive fatigue. Then I worry more. Then I feel guilty about worrying. (see #1)

8. I worry about my kids. They're grown adults. But the worry is different for this mama who raised them by myself. I miss them everyday. Again, the single mama in me. I feel guilty for feeling this way because they are amazing and great and living beautiful lives. (see #1)

9. The sunrise was so incredible this morning, but traffic was backed up and there was no chance I would get to work on time, so I was yelling at other cars from the comfort of my incredible and safe vehicle which I am so grateful for. Then I felt guilty for not just being grateful for everything else around me. (see #1)

10. I get home from work and there are dishes on the table or food left out on the counter or garbage left out and I get irritated and almost angry that "I have to clean it up," which no one has EVER said. Then I decide I better take care of that rather than going to the gym or for a walk and then I'm really mad. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way because we have everything we need, and want, and there is food for the kids and clothes for the kids and a big house for the kids. (see #1)

Time out for a minute:

When I was a single mama, raising my incredible boys, I would be a grumpy beast then too. I was grumpy because we lived in such small places where the four boys always had to share one room. (if only we could live somewhere nicer, I thought). I was grumpy because I was driving a car that I literally prayed every morning would actually get me to and from work. (if only I could have a reliable car, I would think) I was grumpy because I just always wanted to have a full fridge and freezer and pantry for my boys to be able to have whatever they wanted to eat. (if only I could buy snacks for my babies, I would think) I was grumpy because I had to work multiple jobs to be able to barely get by. (if only I only had to work one job, I would think).

Now, I have all of those wishes and I am still grumpy pants at times!!

Moral of the story: our circumstances don't actually determine our attitude! Now, they certainly give us emotions and thoughts. BUT, winning the lottery or being with the "perfect partner" doesn't determine whether or not we are grumpy.

Here's what I am doing right now to change my grumpy panties to big girl panties:

- First of all, bravo Heidi Rae for being aware! Seriously, I am so grateful that I am aware of all of this!

- Second - my vitals. So what if there is stuff out on the kitchen counter when I get home. Mama is going to the gym and Mama is walking for an hour. Period. Yes, we are dealing with the children and reinforcing them cleaning up after themselves. BUT, them not doing that is not making me grumpy pants. Me making their messes my priority in life IS. That's a choice I've made. No more.

I am drinking my daily intake goal of water every single day. My body needs it. My brain needs it. I am getting UV rays one way or the other - sitting outside for 20 minutes or going to a tanning salon. I am talking to God throughout the day, every day. I am intentionally serving others outside my home at least once a week. I am eating what feels good to my body, and I'm getting sleep.

- Third, I am reminding myself to stay out of other people's business. This is ongoing. It requires self-awareness and practice. It is worth it, though.

- Fourth, I am flipping the switch on my thoughts. Example: this morning when I was so irritated with traffic, I stopped myself. "What good is me being irritated going to do? It's not going to make traffic speed up, Sis. It's going to make you grumpy. You have no control over this traffic. Just drive."

Example Two: when I feel hurt by being left out of events that I feel I should actually be invited to because, like, it's "family,"I let myself feel it. It's valid to feel hurt or confused or sad. So, I cry. I let myself sit with those emotions for a day or so, then I move on from them. That doesn't mean it goes away. It usually doesn't. But I am better able to move forward once I've allowed myself to feel them.

Being grumpy pants is not something to beat ourselves up for. It just is. We just don't want to live there. Make sure you are aware of what your vitals are and make sure you're doing them. Make sure that you are aware of your moods and take the time to understand yourself. Show yourself grace.

XOXO

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Heidi Rae Coaching - Climb and Maintain

Babes!!!

Hello! I wanted to share with you something that I heard this morning whilst getting ready for the day. I think it is spot on and so valuable! Whether you are a process addict, or just a human being, we all have turbulence. When we have turbulence (serious trials), we tend to make ourselves smaller. Think about it - we want to crawl in bed, cover our heads up, and stay there for forever.

NOTE: taking a break, resting our hearts and our minds is FINE. Doing it endlessly is not.

Anywho... I am a terrified, anxiety-ridden flier. I know that is shocking to all of you. When there is turbulence, I immediately want them to land the plane. I don't care where they land it, just get me on solid ground and do it NOW. I usually voice that opinion out loud, too, if you were wondering.

However, that is not what air traffic control tells the pilot to do. They normally tell the pilot to climb and maintain. CLIMB AND MAINTAIN. Think about that. The people who know what they are doing, don't tell the pilot to hurry and panic or to immediately go down and run from the turbulence. They tell the pilot to CLIMB AND MAINTAIN.

Let's put that into perspective with life. When we are going through turbulence (and I know that we can all relate to the picture of actual airplane turbulence, but in our own lives), we can choose to climb and maintain. How do we do that?

Check our vitals

Continue to look UP

Remember that you are HIS and He doesn't make mistakes

Climb above the turbulence

Maintain your vitals

Example:

Yes, this is a sports example.

R was at practice a couple of weeks ago. Rep after rep after rep he was up against one of the strongest boys on his team. Rep after rep after rep, this boy was pancaking R. R started to cry. He was mad. He was probably embarrassed. He could not figure out in that moment how to avoid this. Two hours of just being ripped apart by his teammate. After every play, his teammate would try to help R up. R would deny the help and go back to the huddle, crying. I mean, CRYING. R was deflated.

At the end of that practice, Burke told him to go thank his teammate. I knew what Burke was trying to teach R, but R was not at all happy with being told to do that. Afterall, the boy had just kicked his booty for two hours straight. He did it anyways. His teammate said, "Good practice, R." Then R wanted to know why he had to thank him. Burke explained that because of the way his teammate practiced, R had the ability to get better. To get stronger. To get quicker. To get more aggressive. If R always practiced against kids that were just okay, he'd never improve. There would be no reason to. But because he was up against someone better than him, he had a choice to make. Crumble and cry and feel sorry for himself. OR get better. CLIMB and maintain.

One more example that you have all heard before:

Post-stroke. Laying on the dang table thing being taught how to roll over for the first time. I laid on that dang pad for an hour and a half crying. Literally. I couldn't figure out how to do it, so I laid there and cried. I felt so sorry for myself. No one said, "Okay, it's okay sweet Heidi girl, let's just go back to your room and you can just forget about it and it will all be okay." NOPE. They said, "Crying is taking a whole lot of energy you could be putting into rolling over. So whenever you decide to stop feeling sorry for yourself, let's get going here." Oh. So with my right hand, I wiped my tears and I listened. I used my abs. It took a lot more tries and so much more energy, but I rolled over to my right side. Then I rolled back. I CLIMBED and I maintained. I went above the trial and the frustration.

You can too. Consider climbing PRAYING and maintaining holding to your vitals. Whatever those are.

CLIMB AND MAINTAIN.

XOXOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - What if You Relapse?

Babes!!

I have all the tools. I have all of the information that I need. I have my resources. I have my boundaries, my education, my motivation, my why. I have it all. And yet, I relapsed this past week. I relapsed. I released my true self and went into false self. I felt torment and discomfort in my soul. I didn't sleep. I cried. I had a very long episode. (physical reactions to emotional/mental/process addiction ways)

Here's what I think happened:

I was triggered by a trigger that I didn't realize would be a trigger. (real life) That trigger just kept right on triggering. Rather than "simply" allowing myself to really experience it - feel the hurt, sadness, confusion, envy, frustration - I ran from it. I went into my false self. My false self looks like this:

- Doing whatever I think I can to be loved by the trigger

- Doing whatever I think I can to be accepted by the trigger

- Doing whatever I think I can to be a part of all things

By "doing whatever I think I can," I generally mean that I am willing and capable of morphing into whatever I think the trigger wants me to be. Annnnd, we go on a downhill slide. Not a new, smooth slide that lands on that new soft, rubbery bark. An old metal, chipped, sharp, hot, winding slide that puts you right down on broken concrete. On your booty.

I was able to go to one of my trusted resources yesterday and she listened. Unconditionally lovingly listened. Knowing me. And said, "You want 'them' to love you. You want to have a relationship with 'them' that you didn't have with yours." (I'm putting 'them' in to avoid naming the trigger) She went on, "And that's not going to happen."

That flipped the switch back to true self. She said, "And, chaos. You cannot deal with chaos. It isn't even possible for you anymore. You need order. Your brain takes a long time now to deal with chaos.. You just need to be aware of that."

So what did I do next?

NOTE: I did not talk to the trigger. It would be unproductive at this point. It would be an emotional, rather than intelligent, conversation... at least from my end until I am better able to articulate my processed emotions.

1. I talked to B (my partner) and expressed all of the feelings I'm having, and what (if any) boundaries I need to create or respect.

2. I cried!!! The real Heidi, the true self Heidi, is sad. Hurt. Shocked. Upset (still trying to decide if I'm frustrated or angry or pissed or all of the above). Envious. I feel isolated. All of these feelings are so freaking worthy of my uncontrolled tears!

3. I patted my dang self on the back for being aware.

4. I go through the 12 steps, even if it's a quick rundown with honest answers to any questions that come up in my mind.

5. We try again tomorrow!

XOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Honor The Needs of Your Soul

Babes!!

If I am repeating this story, please forgive me. Recently someone said to me that B and I seem to make each other very happy. I responded by telling them that before meeting each other we had both done the work to make ourselves happy, and that's why we are happy. It isn't now, nor will it ever be, B's job to make me happy. That's all on me.

The last few days, I've felt this shift in my attitude. I've been short, defensive, almost ready for a fight - but not really sure where that fight might come from. I've checked my vitals:

* I'm eating good

* I'm drinking water

* I'm spending time with family and holding babies

* I'm getting outside (maybe not enough)

* I'm moving my body (probably not enough)

I baked cookies. I got in the pool. I colored. I watched Celebrity Family Feud for crying out loud! Still, though... something is off.

***Note: it's actually normal for things to just seem off. There doesn't actually have to be anything "wrong" to feel off. It's still imperative to check my vitals to ensure I am doing what I need to be doing. But sometimes, I'm just going to be off.

Last night, B got home early for a Monday evening. He asked if I wanted to go watch Ryker's football conditioning. This would be a "Yes" 99% of the time, but last night I said, "No." He was perplexed, and internally I was too. What IS wrong with me, I questioned out loud.

I stayed home and I weeded the front yard, then I mowed the front lawn... which I've never done because it's the boys' job. I swept. I put garbages out. I went in the house and cleaned out the dishwasher, started some laundry, cleaned off counters. I sat on the edge of the tub and washed my grass-stained feet. Then I laid in bed with the dogs.

I guess it's what my soul needed. So, I honored that. Because that's my job.

"Caring for your own body, mind, and spirit is your greatest (and grandest) responsibility. It's about listening to the needs of your soul and then honoring them." Kristi Ling

XOXOXO

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