Dreams

Kaydon met with Bishop Willis again last night.

This is his third meeting with him, and we have only been in the ward for a few weeks.

Kaydon told me that he told Bishop Willis about a dream he had this week.

In turn, Bishop Willis told Kaydon about a couple of dreams he's had.

Colton said, "Mommy, I think Bishop Willis really cares about us."

Me too, Boogie.

I read them a paragraph from my current book, 
"Holy As You Are."

It's a quote from Elder Oaks.

I love it.

Kaydon said, "Ma, I would go through all of this hurt a hundred more times if it means that you find a man who loves you for eternity."

Oh, Buddha.

Right now, let's focus on Mama being a mama, an auntie, a friend, and a light to those who are desperately seeking it.

 

Watch Out

This sign.

I can't love it enough.

This morning, I woke up and needed some Bee Gees in my life.

And so, YouTube blessed me with dance music for my entire morning.

I bopped in my car down the freeway, singing at the top of my horrible-sounding lungs.

People looked at me as I drove by them...

I am hoping it made them think to turn up their radio as well.

Dancing.

Singing.

Bopping.

They make me happy and less ass hole-ish.

My Chelsi told me that dancing is a way to feel my emotions.

And it is.

In all it's movement and sounds, I find joy in my emotions.

I find a physical way to dance through my hard emotions

So, today I dance.

 

Darkness

I saw these quotes yesterday and I understood my current situation a whole lot better.

When the light comes, the darkness actually CANNOT stand in its presence.

 

Blessings

While Jackson was at our home, I asked he and Kaydon to give me a blessing.

Jackson asked me, "What for this time?"
I took a moment to explain to both of them that I remember, vividly, President Thomas S Monson saying that women should ask for blessings often; that there are great moments of tender mercies in those; the men giving the blessings are humbled and are able to converse with the Lord.

With that, they both placed their hands on my head and Jackson gave me a blessing.

Here is what I never want to forget:

I have been consistently praying, meditating, and pleading with the Father to know my purpose and my next steps. 

I have not told my children this at all.

In the blessing, Jackson said:
"Your role right now is as a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend. Due to your experiences, you are able to bring light to those who are desperate for it. Soon, you will be speaking and helping people with their issues because you, too, have experienced trials and tribulations."

He went on to say that soon, I would have a dream where I would be walking down a path and at the end of the path, I would know my next steps.

I haven't yet had that dream, but I am doing everything in my power to stay in a mindset to be able to receive that dream and to have courage to do the things being asked of me.

Today is hard.

Mike texted me to tell me he has the divorce papers for me to sign.

I have been trying to prepare for this, but this stings.

It hurts.

I loved him.

I thought that was going to be my forever.

So, today I mourn.

I cry.

I let myself feel, then I move on.

 

Lesson from Miss Birdie

Celebrate the "little" things because by small and simple things, great things come to pass.

We are TOO hard on ourselves. 

"Don't be so emotional."

"Don't drag other people through your hard times."

"Don't be too much."
"Don't be not enough."
"Don't share your emotions."
"Keep your feelings to yourself."
"Get over it."

How about:

"I hear you."
"I see you."
"Your feelings are valid."

"You are so imperfectly perfect!"

"I am honored to love you."
"Tell me all the things."
"Let's go through this together."
"You are not alone."

 

Confidence

I believe I can narrow down the timeline of when I felt confidence for the first time.

Ever.

In my entire life.

Ever.

It was my first appointment with Katryna.

I was a mess.

I was a mess; the exact same mess I'd been for 41 years.

It was just finally coming to a head and purging that stupid, imaginary closet where I had stuffed all of my feelings, emotions, troubles, lies, neglect, abuse, anger, fear... all of it.

Katryna asked me, "What makes up your worth?"

This was after she told me what my bishop had said about me.

He's not actually a good person.

My family "teamed up with him" to rid me of my children.

And my value.

And my worth.

Little did they know...

Anywho,

I gave some stellar answers, Y'all.

I mean, I felt confident in these answers.

She wrote them on the white board, which made me feel like I was basically acing that test!

Then, she told me they were all wrong and to go home and really think about this question and when she saw me again in a few day we would talk about it again.

I legit didn't know how I could have possibly failed this test.

I was full of  "bad feelings" the days in between appointments.

I didn't want to go back and not have the right answers.

I didn't want to disappoint her.

I arrived and began discussion.

She asked me what I had come up with.

I shrunk in my seat and told her I didn't know.

Guys, she gave me the answer!

Like, open book except it was open teacher!

I was BORN with my worth.

It is CONCRETE.

It cannot go up or go down.

No matter what!

I was born with it.

Say what?!?!?!?!

Why had no one who "loved me" ever taught me this????

Guys, I was born with it!

Nothing I do or don't do can raise or lower this thing called worth.

It is quite literally divine.

We discussed it for a long while.

I went home ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

T would always call me after my appointments.

I remember telling her about this moment.

I could not believe it.

That Sunday, I attended my first 12-step meeting.

We talked about having hope in God.

Everyone gets to have hope in God because our worth is concrete.

EVEN, and I would venture to say ESPECIALLY addicts, get to have hope in Christ.

It was that moment, sitting in the circle with complete strangers, fellow addicts, the most amazing people I'd ever met.

WE HAVE WORTH.

I can be confident in the fact that I am a daughter of God.

I have concrete worth and value.

I can be confident in that.

Don't get me wrong.

I STILL struggle with surface confidence:

I've gained 15 pounds. But I'm still walking.

My cellulite is moving down to my knees. It's gross.

Can I be financially self-reliant? Well I am right now.

My mind is definitely different since stroke. But I'm still working.

According to people who "love me," I've never been a great mom. Well, here I am still doing the thing.

But, I'm confident.

I am confident in my value.

I don't need to compare myself to anyone else because there is only one me. I'm supposed to be me - not anyone else.

 

The Unpopular Opinion

I am about to talk about something that, I have no doubt, will be unpopular with some.

If you haven't noticed lately, I'm okay with being unpopular.

For those who do not know, I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon).

As a female, growing up in this Church, there were very directed teachings:

Women marry and have children.

Women raise, direct, train the children.

Women are the homemakers.

Women support their husbands.

Women cook, sew, minister, serve, always have it all together...

From Primary (ages 3 - 11), lessons were directed toward this:

Families are Together Forever.

Pictures shown during these lessons always illustrated a man, woman, and children.

When Daddy Comes Home.

Pictures shown during this song illustrated a happy, involved dad coming home from work with the children running to him while the mother stood with her apron, smiling.

From Young Women's (ages 12 - 17), activities and lessons, even the mission statement of the program are all based around marriage, family, and home.

Somehow, the illustrations always showed a "family" which included a father, mother, and children living happily in a nice home - decorated beautifully, always food on the table, children dressed in nice clothes, a husband who worked a 40-hour job and somehow loved every minute of it, who came home and hugged his children and his adoring wife, then sat at the set dinner table to eat up.

Pictures of scripture study always included this nuclear family, everyone sitting reverently, dressed in church clothes, sitting happily in a circle.

Lessons taught us that we needed to do all the things so that we would be "worthy" to marry a "worthy" son of God and multiply and replenish the Earth with amazing, even perfect children.

Then, Relief Society (ages 18 - dead).

All activities and lessons are about home, family, marriage, child-rearing, ministering, serving,  etc. 

So, when I divorced the first time there was nothing other than failure that it could have possibly meant.

Clearly, I wasn't "worthy" to marry and have a family.

Or a home.

Or any happiness.

There was no other explanation.

Imagine me then having four children and being divorced AGAIN.

Gasp!!

Now I'm really not worthy!

Here I am, raising four boys by myself in a religion where there are no pictures of that mess!

Oh, and there were more divorces.

Not to worry, I've met every quota on that!

Here's the issue:

1. This is not real life. Why the lessons taught every single Sunday and at activities is not about the worth ALL people are born with and how to live up to that actual worth - the kind that is unchangeable - is beyond me.

2. Marriage, child-bearing, and perfect scripture study is not a check box for worth.

3. Single women, divorced women, widowed women are some of the very strongest women I have ever known. Let's talk about that.

4. Let's show pictures of ALL family dynamics: single parenting, grandparents raising grandchildren, mixed race relationships, families with members who are disabled, families where the woman is the bread-winner. These are ALL realities in this world and these all deserve to be talked about.

My marital status does not determine my worth, or yours.

The number of children I have raised on my own does not determine my worth.

Let's teach young women, from a very young age, that they can do ANYTHING.

They can have serious career goals and ambitions.

They can serve missions like a bunch of bosses!

They don't actually need to be good cooks or be able to sew a dang thing.

A "home" is a team effort. At least in my home it is.

So, Ladies:

If you never get married, it's OKAY.

If you get divorced 10 times, it's OKAY.

If you have choose not to have children, it's OKAY.

If you are a working mother, it's OKAY.

If you are a stay-at-home mother because you have an awesome-sauce husband or wife, it's OKAY.

People! 

None of these things determine your worth.

It's concrete.