Heidi Rae Coaching - Time Management

 Babes!!

What if time management can aid in our ability to improve our self validation?! First, let's talk self-management and time-management.

Self-management (which will guide our self-validation journey) is focused on behavior, how we spend our time, and therefore how we feel about ourselves.

Time-management is focused on tasks, action items, when we need to complete them and how we will do so. Completing tasks that we need to, and want to, achieve is so beneficial to our self-management!

PLUS when we are managing our time, we have more time for self care, rest, and overall a healthier well being.

NOTE:

I have two daughters who just had babies within the last week. Time management for them looks a whole lot different than time management for someone who is retired. We are each in our own season of life. Some of us have other little humans who depend on us for everything. Some of us have raised little humans who are now big humans and are self-sufficient. Some of us don't have little or big humans, but have a brain and a heart and a soul who need nourishment and love. I see you. I hear you.

I've talked about this a hundred times and I am going to do it again. When I was at IMC following my stroke, the time management was tight. There was a white board in my room with slots for every half hour. The night before, the team would come in and schedule out my entire day. Every single half hour slot was filled with something. Shower, eat, rest, eye therapy, swallow therapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy, counseling, nutrition therapy, nap, etc. This was so effective because I knew exactly what I was doing and when. I knew the goal of that half hour, just based on the job. I knew who I would be with for that half hour. I knew that this schedule was getting me closer and closer to being home with my boys.

I keep calendars every where now. I've always been pretty structured and routine oriented. I am a note-taker, calendar-keeper, and task checker-offer! With grown kids who have families, new babies, two kids in sports, family activities, work, more work, rest-required post stroke, a home to manage, I thrive with lists and calendars. It keeps me on task and each time I complete one, I validate the success with my dang self!

Attached is a daily habits sample that you can print off if you'd like. Personally, I keep a to-do list at work for the work day. I keep a calendar at work for work appointments and tasks. I keep a desk calendar with work events, family events, home events, birthdays, sports times and places, etc. I keep a family calendar on the fridge at home with family items. I also keep a calendar in my phone for reminders. It works for me so well!

By managing our time, we can improve our work-life balance. By taking two seconds to validate your accomplishments and your task completions, you are improving your ability to make your self-validation practice a habit!

XOXOXO

Heidi Rae Coaching - Their Opinions

 Validation Addiction is a tricky one, Babes!!

The opinions of others are not only all-consuming in your thoughts, but they are the guide by which you live your life. The intense NEED to make other people proud of you, or make other people like you is debilitating. Your sense of self is lost in the translation of what you believe others want of, and from, you. You cease to be you.

Exhausting.

Everything you do. The way you dress. The way you talk. The music you listen to. The weight you could quite literally die to sustain. The relationships you do, or do not, form. It is all based on the opinions of others. The job you have. The schooling you have, or don’t have. The way you raise your kids. The way you walk and talk and how high you jump.

Exhausting.

Recovery from Validation Addiction is also a tricky one, but the best kind of trick ever! It’s how we rewire our brains to understand that their opinions don’t actually matter.

Insert storyline from “You are Special,” by Max Lucado. Remember Lucia?! None of the Wemmick stickers stuck because she didn’t care what the Wemmicks thought. She only cared what Eli thought and Eli doesn’t make mistakes. Once Punchinello understood that, he rewired his brain and began to believe that their opinion of him didn’t matter either. As soon as he believed that, the stickers fell off of him… one by one.

Like Punchinello, we can believe in our value as is and the weight of the stickers (their opinions of us) will fall off. One by one. It doesn’t mean they won’t try to put stickers on you. They will. It doesn’t mean that some of those stickers won’t stick. Some will. It doesn’t mean that the heaviness of those few stickers won’t make you feel overwhelmed and cause you to question your worth. They will. But, one by one they will fall and you will feel lighter and less overwhelmed by their weight.

Less exhausting.

You will learn all about you. YOU will decide what you do, how you dress, how you talk, what music you love. You will decide what is healthy for your body, what relationships to be in, what job feels the best to you. You will validate yourself. You will trust yourself. You will set boundaries and determine if where you are at is good enough for you.

Pretty fun.

You will learn to let them judge you, misunderstand you, talk about you. You will realize that you no longer need to pull a chair up to that table. You get to choose what table you sit at, and I hope you choose the one that doesn’t talk about you when you walk away. I hope you never doubt your worth. I hope you stay authentically you. I hope you live your truth and that you live it to the fullest.

Exhilarating.

#toptiptuesday #tuesdaytips #worth #letthemjudgeyou #youareenough

Heidi Rae Coaching - What If Mother's Day is Hard

Babes!!

In preparation for celebrating moms this weekend:

I see you if you are grieving a child or a mother

I see you if you have a complicated relationship with a child or your mother

I see you if you are longing to be a mother

I see you if you are doing the very best you can and it still doesn't feel like enough

I see you if you are feeling alone

I see you if you have given your child to another family through adoption

I see you if you have disabled children

I see you if you are co-parenting

I see you if you are truly a single mom, with no co-parent

I see you if you are a stepmom or a bonus mom

I see you if you are sleep deprived

I see you if motherhood isn't at all what you had envisioned

I see you if you have ever made a dinner that no one ate; if you have ever wondered if you would make it to bedtime; if you have lost your patience over and over again; if you've never been told that you're doing a great job; if you've ever been up all night and woke up drained but still pushed through your day; if you've ever said out loud, "Are you effing kidding me?"; if you've ever cried big tears in your car

You are not alone. You are seen. You are heard. You are loved. Mother's Day can be the most beautiful day of the year. It can also be the hardest for some. For most of us, there is a bit of a mix.

This week, I hope that you feel that you are enough. I hope that you know that, no matter where you are on your motherhood journey, you are worthy of love and hope and grace.

#TopTipTuesday #Grace #mothersday #momlife #singlemomlife #coparenting #bonusmom #surrogate #adoption #angelmom #infertility #gigilife #grandma #aunt #teachers #stepmom #grievingmother

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Outcomes

Babes!

This is going to be a long one, so get comfy!

I was going to preface this story by saying that it is about a "friend." But, that'd be a big, fat lie because it's ALL ABOUT ME. The great thing about recovery and therapy and all the things is that we become super, almost hyper, aware of our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Sometimes it just takes us (me) a whiiiiiile to get to the correct actions!

I raised four boys. I raised four very, very independent, hard-working boys. I had no other choice. I needed us to be a team in order to get through each day. My boys, Colton included, did their own laundry from the time they were 10. They took turns fixing meals, going grocery shopping, cleaning, organizing, running other errands, and supporting one another at activities. I am so grateful today as I watch them supporting families of their own!

Fast forward to now - my boys are grown and I have three other boys that I get to love & support. I suppose it's because I "can," but I am not treating them at all the same! My actions have taught them how to behave! B has told me several times over the last year+ to not "baby" them. I continued to say, "I'll decide!" Well, all of that deciding has now led to where we are at today:

For the last few weeks, I have come over from work with ATTTTITUDE. I don't take my shoes off or even take my purse off of my shoulder. I immediately walk into the kitchen, where others are sitting, and clean up all of the empty glasses, bowls, empty soda cans, garbage, etc. Then I start the dishwasher. Then I pull out the laundry baskets and start laundry. Then I make dinner. Don't forget all of the sports events, practices, tournaments... And the best part - in my head for just a split second I am ANGRY that no one seems to realize that I'm mad!!!!! How can they NOT notice that I am really irate?! How can they not see that this is why I am exhausted?! Afterall, I'm doing everything!!!

Let's pause.

This is the moment when I have a conversation with my dang self. Heidi, who are you mad at?

Myself.

Why?

Because my actions have taught them how to treat me. (my actions have taught them not to do anything because Heidi will do it)

Heidi, who are you taking this out on?

B.

Why?

Why not?!?!

Note: B does a ton. He gets my breakfast and lunch ready every morning while I'm getting ready. He cleans the bathrooms. He makes sure yard work is done. He TRIES to do the dishes and the laundry and sweeping and mopping. I have literally told him not to because "it's my job."

So, Saturday I broke.

"Babe, I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I recognize that this is my doing and I need help to fix it."

B:

"We will work together to re-teach the boys to take care of their stuff themselves!! BUT, you have to let these things go and not do it for them."

Me:

Deal.

Couple of things here:

* We literally teach people how to treat us

* My actions, and lack thereof, led to this outcome

* Only I can fix this

We are very quick to blame our feelings on others. Like - if they would just help me, I wouldn't feel this way. We are very fast to assign our feelings and emotions to others.

Great news: when we handle our own business, we feel SO MUCH better!!

So: own your issues. Understand where they are coming from. NOTE: there are certainly times when are feelings are due to the actions of others, but I find that a good number of mine are personal! Change your behavior so that your outcomes are also different.

XOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Core Beliefs

Babes!!

What if we can change our core beliefs?? WE CAN!! (sorry, I didn't put in that silly spoiler alert warning)

Facts about CORE beliefs:

- We aren't born with core beliefs; we learn them

- Core beliefs usually develop in childhood, or during a stressful or traumatic period(s) in adulthood

- Core beliefs are usually rigid and long-standing

- We are literally wired to ignore information that contradicts our core beliefs - our mind is constantly justifying our core belief system and labeling all other beliefs as "wrong"

Personally, my core beliefs both developed in childhood AND came from trauma in adulthood. How did I learn this?? STEP FOUR of the 12 steps. You MUST peel back layer by layer until you get to the root of why you believe the things you do. *I STRONGLY suggest doing this with a therapist and/or coach*

Harmful core beliefs will do damage!

- Low self-esteem

- Depression

- Anxiety

- Lack of trust in others

- Feelings of inadequacy

- ADDICTION

Beliefs are not right or wrong. They just are. The win is in awareness and adapting to rational, balanced reactions to the beliefs that we have.

Example: "I can do this! I'm amaze-a-balls. I'm brave. I'm strong. I'm dedicated to this goal."

INSTEAD of: "I'm weak. I'm lazy. No wonder I never achieve any of my goals. Good things are not meant to happen to me."

So, to switch our core beliefs from non-adaptive to adaptive OR negative to positive OR false self to true self, we can:

- Take our non-adaptive/negative/false self beliefs through the "self-reflection tunnel." To do this, we become aware of our belief, then ask ourselves if it is a belief or a fact. Again, STEP FOUR. It's the hardest, most important step of all 12 steps!!

Example: I'm unlovable.

Is this a belief or a fact?

It's a belief.

What is the fact?

I, and every other human, IS lovable simply because they were born.

This isn't a one and done. This takes a whole lot of practice! But, it can be done!

XOXOXO

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Personal Bingo

Babes!!

This morning as I was writing out my to-do list for the day, I wrote, "Personal Schedule." I am feeling like I am stretched way too thin right now and I'm collapsing a bit under the weight of it all. We ALL know how this feels. I am aware that I am the only one who can change this or fix this or whatever needs to be done about it. I am also the only person with the responsibility to do so.

As I was working on some marketing, I came across this "Mindfulness Bingo" template on Canva. Coincidence? I don't really believe in coincidence. I've been having some talks with God lately and I feel it was a God wink. Anywho, I decided to do my personal schedule as a Personal Daily Bingo.

I've attached both the original Mindfulness Bingo and my edited version. The edited version includes my daily vitals. These are the things that I must do daily in order to feel my best, in order to be my best, in order to have my well full enough that I can share with others. When I am not doing my daily vitals daily, I feel frustrated, agitated, easily provoked, less patient, more withdrawn, even angry. When I am not doing my daily vitals daily, I FEEL like I NEED more validation. I FEEL like I NEED other people to read my mind and just know what I need. I don't listen. I hear, but I don't listen. I am quick to be defensive. I make assumptions and perceive things as they aren't much more rapidly. I don't sleep well. I don't eat well. I am not well.

I do better with a visual of what I need to be doing. It keeps me on track and it gives me accountability. This Bingo is a "blackout Bingo" every day for me. Yes, I will be rewarding myself. I haven't figured out how that will look, but I will most definitely be rewarding myself.

Every person's Daily Bingo will look different. I would challenge you to think about what yours needs to look like and to make your own kind of personal Bingo this weekend! You're worth it!

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - The Mountain

Babes!!

There is an incredibly poignant poem written by Laura Ding-Edward, called, "The Mountain." It expresses emotions and feelings beautifully... at least emotions and feelings that I have now and then.

If the mountain seems too big today, then climb a hill instead.

If the morning brings you sadness, it's okay to stay in bed.

If the day ahead weighs heavy, and your plans feel like a curse, there's no shame in rearranging. Don't make yourself feel worse.

If a shower stings like needles and a bath feels like you'll drown; if you haven't washed your hair for days, don't throw away your crown.

A day is not a lifetime; a rest is not defeat.

Don't think of it as failure, just a quiet, kind retreat.

It's okay to take a moment from an anxious, fractured mind, the world will not stop turning while you get realigned.

The mountain will still be there when you want to try again.

You can climb it in your own time, just love yourself until then.

There are days when I feel drained. Tired. Fatigued. Emotional. I feel the weight of responsibilities. I feel the stress of schedules, finances, family needs, work, health... Some days I truly just feel like I need a minute (or a day) to regroup. Like I just simply cannot muster the strength to climb today's mountain. Like even a hill seems like an immense amount of work. Like I am drowning in my own thoughts and feelings.

It's imperative to remind ourselves that it is OKAY to feel this way! It is actually HEALTHY to acknowledge that we feel this way now and then and to honor those feelings. It's okay to rest. It's okay to try the mountain climb on a different day, when you feel stronger. It's okay to rejuvenate your energy and joy. What's not okay is to remove your crown! What's not okay is to feel less worthy on those days. What's not okay is to forget that you are a masterpiece, no matter what size hill you're in the process of climbing today.