Who Do You Think You Are?

This takes TIME.

But the freedom that comes with this...

WORTH IT.

Time Well Spent

The little boys are not good eaters.

When I say "not good eaters," I really mean it.

It is a struggle every single day.

On Sunday, Jackson sat on the corner of the dinner table - between Ethan and I.

Jackson finished his dinner, like the rest of us.

Then, he literally sat at the table for over an hour and talked to Ethan about the importance of eating.

He told him some far-off stories that were actually pretty incredible.

Something about how when he eats and gives himself strength, he is also giving his "protector" strength and his protector keeps him from having night terrors and so he needs to eat and be strong so his protector can be strong whilst he is sleeping.

Ethan ATE that story up!

He ended up finishing his dinner - albeit looooooong after the rest of us.

Last night, he was eating really well.

I told him that I would tell Jackson.

He wanted me to take a picture and send it to Jackson instead.

Jackson's response, "Atta boy!"

We really have no idea the impact we can make on lives when we spend our time focused on them.

Ethan just adores Jackson.

I mean, who doesn't?!

But that little bit of time with Ethan in the big scheme of things made all the difference!

Cycle Breaking

Cycle Breakers are tough mother f@#kers!

I mean that.

Cycle Breakers are the elite of self-realization, mental health taker-overs, and humans in general.

Imagine being raised with generational trauma.

Imagine believing that all of that is normal and healthy.

Imagine then raising the next generation with similar beliefs PLUS the mental health issues it has caused you to have.

Imagine - after decades - being told about all of this.

Having it explained to you.

Having it drawn out, literally, with markers for you.

And then realizing that you have, indeed, passed all of this trash onto your children.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A CYCLE BREAKER.

My biggest reason for starting treatment and going through intense therapy and group meetings was to break this damn cycle.

For me.

But mostly for my children.

Who deserve better.

Who expect better, as they should.

Who don't need to continue the generational trauma.

Whose children deserve better.

That was my motivation.

That is still my motivation.

On really, really hard days...

Think step #4 in the 12-step program...

That dang step took weeks and it was, and some days continues to be brutal...

On those days, I would remind myself - out loud - that this ends with me.

That I still have time to teach my children differently.

That I still have time to break this cycle today.

Katryna said to me one day, "The worst thing that can happen is death, Heidi."

I was like, "Huh?!"

She said, "You need time. And so long as you're not dead, you've got time."

The cost of being a cycle breaker is enormous.

Boundaries create distance.

Boundaries create gossip.

Never underestimate the damage that gossip, story-telling, talking behind someone's back (whatever the hell you want to call it) does to someone.

Boundaries cause missing out... on really important things like birthday parties and other events.

But, without them - that cycle continues.

That heartache continues.

Cycle breaking is brave, People.

It is powerful.

It is my goal and my reason for treatment every single day.

Finding Yourself

I love this quote.

It's one of my most favorites!

I love the reminder that none of us are actually lost (emotionally).

The idea of a "lost soul" is really not accurate.

No soul is lost.

We don't need to send search parties to go find the soul of a person.

What DOES need to happen is that we all need to return to ourself - 

Our best self.

Our whole self.

The self we are meant to be.

This is harder than many of us understand before actually going through it.

It requires a LOT of therapy and action.

A LOT.

We have to unlearn things that have been engrained in us.

We have to do a bit of an excavation - which sucks.

It sucks a lot.

Think step #4 in the 12-step program.

It is painful and hurtful and scary and shocking and emotional and sad and just so dang hard.

But, in the end - we find ourselves and we are made just that much whole!

Grace

There is a page in my current coloring book that I have not wanted to touch.

Fear.

Too many little details.

I love it so much and don't want to ruin it.

The word on the page is "Grace."

Ironic, right?

Yesterday at lunch, I decided I was going to go for it.

I started that page.

I started with the letters, though.

Figured I couldn't ruin those.

Then the details.

The very small petals.

The leaves.

The butterflies - oh those little critters are tough!

The lines.

The border.

The intricacies of the whole page.

As I did so, I thought of the irony in the meaning of this page and my fear to do it.

How often do we lack grace with our dang selves?!

Every dang day is the answer you should all be honestly saying.

Take a step back.

Realize your worth.

It's not up for discussion

It doesn't rise and fall.

It's concrete.

Give yourself some grace.

Words

Last night, Colton was filling a cup with ice cubes.

To chew on.

Evan asked what he was doing.

Colton: "I like to eat ice."

Evan: "You're weird."

I didn't hear the exchange.

Colton came into my room to tell me.

I said, "Colt. I think that he meant to say 'that's weird.'"

Colton: "Okay. I told him 'thank you.;"

Words have power.

Technology makes the way we speak so much more difficult.

First of all, people feel that because they are behind a screen and a keyboard they have the ability and the right to say whatever they feel and to say it unkindly, with aggression and just spew hatred.

Secondly, we have no way of seeing body language or hearing tone - so there are all kinds of miscommunications that go on with technology.

Third, then what?

Our children, of all ages, have grown up looking at screens:

TV, gaming, computers, phones, kindles, tablets, etc.

They have grown up listening to actors speaking to other actors, in make-believe worlds. 

They have developed a completely phony way of seeing the world, relationships, ways to earn money, etc.

My Kaydon has had a few talks with me about just this thing.

He said to me a bit ago, "Ma. I feel like I have gained this picture of women and relationships with women from the most crude illustrations of what intimacy actually is."

Words have power.

 I listened to a podcast yesterday.

It was with a retired Navy Seal.

He said, "When watching anything on a screen, take 90% off the top - immediately. Then you can try to dig through the rest of the 10% trying to figure out if any of it is realistic."

What?!

He name, "Foxcatcher."

I literally watched this movie thinking it was ALL accurate.

Nope.

He said that "Blackhawk Down" had more reality, but that it was still very Hollywood-ed up.

Words have power.

Intent

I am learning that some conversations are better left undone.

Never started.

I am learning to ask myself if a conversation with certain people on certain topics would be productive.

By productive, I am referring to respectful, both parties listening and hearing what is being sent, without specific intent... 

If something needs solving or adjusting, then it is done with respect.

If something does not need solving or adjusting, then it can be left undone with respect.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where there is a lot of entitlement.

People feel strongly that their thoughts are superior than others.

People feel that they know everything about everything.

And we are made to believe that we have to try to have a conversation with these people, while maintaining dignity, yet trying to establish our thoughts and feelings, knowing full well that they have no intention of actually hearing what we have to say.

Hard.

Frustrating.

Scary.

Exhausting.

I am learning to let these conversations go.

Just let them go.

Boundaries.

Boundaries

Boundaries are HARD.

They are hard to set, especially when you have a process addiction such as validation.

I don't want people to dislike me or think less of me.

Well, I used to feel that way at least.

Lately, I am getting better at realizing the value in boundaries and that it does not matter what other people think of me.

It doesn't matter.

However, when it comes to events or get-togethers I struggle still with setting boundaries and sticking to them.

I have to remind myself how it will make me feel to be in a situation that is actually not healthy.

So, boundaries.

Discussions

I am studying communication this week for the leadership boot camp I run for GH.

Communications was a class that I struggled with A LOT in College.

I think I pulled a C grade, but that was after SO much work, it was ridiculous.

When a person is under-developed when it comes to feelings and the understanding there-in, communication is not possible on a basic level.

That, I have learned.

As I continue to go through treatment, grow and learn, I find my ability to communicate within boundaries I have set to be expanding.

I had my counseling appointment on Friday.

It was a virtual appointment, of course.

As always, it was just what I needed!

Of course, we spoke about me:

Work, home, health, etc.

We spoke about Mike.

We spoke about my boys.

We spoke about his boys.

We spoke about blending families and the co-parenting that he does with their mom.

We spoke about my feelings regarding all of it.

She is very keen on really sort of forcing me to open up the drapes and shine the light on the emotions sitting at each desk in the classroom of feelings.

At first, I want to squint my eyes shut.

It feels overwhelming.

But, then I recognize these emotions as my own.

I want to illuminate them and tell them each, "hello."

And, I do.

Part of having emotions and feelings is then being able to communicate them in an effective, empathetic, boundary-baring way.

That's like an AP classroom, pretty sure!

Like, give me some College credit for going there!!

But, as I do...

As I learn to communicate them...

As I learn to voice my convictions in an appropriate, Heidi way...

The world opens up for me.

Yesterday, Kaydon came out on the deck with me.

I was lounging in my free, on-the-side-of-the-road-with-a-sign-that-said-free lounger...

I was coloring and getting in my Vitamin D.

He and I talked for a while.

It was wonderful.

He and I have our best convo's on the deck!

We discussed feelings and emotions and thoughts and actions and all of the really good stuff...

The stuff I didn't understand until the age of 42.

It is in those discussions that I can physically see progress in my treatment.

Grateful!

Mama Bear

Mike and I had our date night last night.

Only, it just consisted of our walk and it was only around our immediate block.

I was barefoot, though, so it totally counted!

Evan really wanted to go on a walk, too.

But, Daddy explained that it was our date night and that date nights are very important in our home.

Here's the thing about our walks, and really most of our conversations, though:

90% of what we talk about is the six children.

Last night:

Jackson: It is hard to be a grown up! It is hard to figure out relationships and future goals! Relationships that don't last are tough, but never ever a failure. They teach us what we are unwilling to compromise on, and what we don't want. We are SO grateful that he is an adult, and yet still just wants to sit with us and talk out his life and seek our advice.

Braxton: Mike expressed how important it is to him that we don't put dinner away in the fridge after we've eaten, before Braxton is home from work. So, he's decided to text him each night to tell him what we are eating and ask if he wants us to put it on a plate for him, or just in the fridge. Mike doesn't want him to feel like he's forgotten.

Kaydon: Kaydon is still eating a TON of food. He was watching South Park, which I don't find appropriate AT ALL. The two little boys were in there. Kaydon kept telling them, in big brother fashion, that it was bedtime. Mike was sneaking peaks at episodes and laughing with KK.

Colton: We want to find friends in the neighborhood for Colton, Evan and Ethan. Colton gets so much anxiety about mornings - still out of routine. He was SUCH a big helper last night and we just love his amazing personality and love.

Evan: Evan is our tough cookie. We love him so much. He's our defiant one. Defiant with everyone. It can be tough, but it is no different than anyone else having a rough day. We love him dearly. Everyday is different and we are all-in with finding a consistent plan.

Ethan: This boy, though. We talked about his rough kindergarten year, and how we are looking forward to him being in first grade. We talked about how he is sleeping better, with fewer night terrors. 

We love our kids.

We love each other.

And, this addiction to validation that I have struggled with for 42 years is easier to wade through with a partner who constantly validates our children. Watching that is a great example to me, and one that I am thankful for everyday.

I'm Mean, It's True

Dear Charlie Chaplin,

Thank you.

Dare

My role with Green HoriZen is that of Vice President of Leadership and Affiliate Development. 

I spend a whole lot of time focusing on leadership and what that means.

I do a lot of research on it.

Mike and I discuss it almost daily.

Mike and I both LOVE Brene Brown.

What I wouldn't give to hear her speak in person!

I was introduced to Brene's work by my neuro-psych.

This month, I am reading and focusing on her book, "Dare to Lead."

The word "dare" is so profound to me.

Dare to be me.

Dare to be bold.

Dare to be authentic. (this one might be my favorite!)

Dare to be in the game and dare to change the game!
Dare to take risks.

What does "dare" represent to you?

Teaching Adults

This whole having a child who is now an adult is the most terrifying thing EVER.

Like, you sort of kind of get warned about toddlers, teenagers, the terrible two's, etc.

But, no one tells you how absolutely horrifying it is to have an adult child!

Jackson will be 21 in August.

What the what?

Jackson is a good, good man.

He is funny and handsome and smart and motivated and eager to do what is right now and forever.

He sat with Mike and I yesterday for a bit.

Here's what happened:

I found that I am parenting after the fact.

Like, Jackson: Don't do anything I did for 42 years!!!

So, Mike and I talked about some of our conversations, issues, events.

We talked him through the strengths of our relationship and what we find to be the solid foundation we have.

We talked to him about how we worked through issues that have been difficult.

Like, conflict resolution.

Raise your hand if you were literally never shown how to resolve conflict as a child!!!

Like, you saw or heard arguments and then it was just somehow magically "ok" and you had no idea how to process that.

We talked about communication.

We talked about our most sacred time - at night, laying in bed, TALKING.

Laughing,

Crying,

Being.

Discussing everything about everything.

Being vulnerable.

And how important that is for us and how we do hold that time very sacred.

Then, this.

Mike had him watch the https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg.

He talked about how most of the time, women don't necessarily want something fixed.

They want compassion and empathy and to be heard.

Mike is a fixer.

We discussed an incident that happened last Monday.

T said I was behaving like a toddler.

I was.

That is not inaccurate.

Mike had NO clue what was actually wrong with me.

For a minute, neither did I.

He wanted to fix it.

In fact, he had no idea what to be empathetic with or compassionate about because he had no idea what in the actual hell was wrong.

But, he talked to Jackson about this concept.

As females - generally - we want to be heard, empathized with and shown love.

Generally, men want to fix things.

We also talked to him about this:

If we would have, in fact, started dating at all while he was living next door to us, it never would have worked out.

Why?

Because we were both in the the deep-down process of fixing and healing ourselves.

I was in therapy three times a week.

He was too.

We were both so committed to working on ourselves, learning about ourselves, becoming better for ourselves, that it would not have worked.

Now, we are both in a position where we are doing all of this together.

We want our children to be happy, healthy, and to have joy.

All we can do now is listen, love, and SHOW them a healthy relationship.

Mother's Day Weekend

I hope to post about the actual weekend on Monday on my standtallnow.blogspot.com blog.

But, for today, I want to say a few things to preface this weekend.

Dear WOMEN:

This can be a hard weekend.

For moms.

For women who are moms, but who don't physically have their children on earth with them.

For women who gave their babies up for adoption.

For women who have tried and tried to have children, but cannot.

For women who are not close to their mothers or to their children.

For women who chose not to be mothers, and feel judged on this holiday.

It is also a beautiful time for some moms.

It's a time of gratitude for the ability to be a mother, or an auntie.

I like to celebrate ALL women on Mother's Day.

I have been buoyed up and supported and loved unconditionally by so many women throughout my life who are not my mother.

Neighbors, friends, teachers, nurses, therapists, co-workers, etc.

My children have been loved and influenced by so many women who are not even related to them, and by some who are.

Grandmothers, adopted grandmothers, aunts, great-aunts, neighbors, friends, co-workers, etc.

For me personally, being a mother is everything to me.

In the midst of my 42 year addiction, this was not always noticeable, and it certainly wasn't portrayed to my children adequately.

Not even close.

Being a mother was all I ever wanted.

I didn't want to be a doctor or a lawyer, a teacher or a businesswoman, a physicist or the president.

I wanted to be a mom.

My four boys are my greatest blessings.

They are rich in knowledge, hard work, resilience, patience, kindness, compassion, comedy, love and courage.

They are each so different, and yet each such warriors!

They are LIFE!

I also get to be a bonus mama.

I have had this opportunity in the past as well.

It's a great challenge, a great trial, and yet one that I adore and learn from everyday.

I get to be an auntie!

I waited a LONG time to be an auntie and there is just nothing in the world like it.

I love my Asher and my Anson infinitely.

I get to be an adopted auntie to my Seth, Anastasia, Jessica and Victoria.

I get to be a mama to our three pups.

The love that is in my heart, and that surrounds me each day is phenomenal and awe-inspiring.

I thank God for these opportunities.

The opportunities to love and be loved.

To all women, thank you!

You are seen.

You are heard.

You are needed.

In every capacity that you fulfill.

Sin

I feel the need to put out a little wee reminder on sinning.

And the act of calling people out on their sins.

And the act of judging people.

And the act of publicly cursing people.

These are money!

Yesterday, I was reading a social media post.

It was posted by a girl that I follow.

I have never met her, but have messaged back and forth with her.

Little background:

She is divorced with three children.

She is pregnant with the child of the man she is dating.

Unexpected.

Isn't most of life?!

She prefaced her words by saying that she feared ridicule, judgement and abandonment when she announced that she was pregnant.

I know those fears well.

Very, very well.

Then, I read the comments.

Most of them were loving, supportive, kind and full of encouragement.

But you've always got those comments by people who feel that they are in a position (a Godly position) to judge, and to judge publicly and to judge harshly.

"Sin is sin. You're sinning."

Allow me, for a moment, to remind people that those comments are ALSO sinning.

Small sins.

Big sins.

There really is no such thing as a big sin and a small sin.

It's all sin.

You are not better than the person you deem as a sinner.

Period.

The worth of the judger is NO greater than the worth of the sinner.

We have been told to LOVE.

Loving does not include judging.

Carry on.

PLEASE Count to Ten

I've said this my whole life...

I have no filter.

I do not think before I speak.

I do much better writing things down because then it is more thought-out and always more appropriate and effective.

My words can be very harsh, unnecessary, ineffective, damaging, and hurtful.

I don't take time to think about my thoughts or feelings or even try to define them and figure them out before I just spew. 

T had a long talk with me about this yesterday.

It is something that I HAVE to work on starting today.

I am making a goal of consciously working on it beginning this morning.

Wish me luck!

Choosing

I've talked about this before, but feel that I should reiterate it today.

Choosing.

We all have agency.

We do, in fact, have the ability to choose.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "You can choose how you feel."

"You can choose your response."
"You can choose not to do that"

The list goes on and on.

This is a friendly-ish reminder that, although in scientific terms, this is true...

We don't know what the ins and outs of other people entail.

We don't know every aspect of their upbringing, education, development, abuse or non-abuse, neglect history, etc.

Those things contribute to the ability to make "correct" choices.

Just simply knowing right from wrong does not enable every single person to make the exact decision that you might feel they should be making.

Be kind.

Feelings, Part 39875

Do you know why I feel so honored to go through my trials?
Because people trust me enough to share theirs with me.

Thank you.

My friend, R, messaged me yesterday.

R is going through some trials.

R is having feelings and emotions and needed to talk about them.

R is struggling to understand why things are happening the way they are, but also is struggling to understand why these feelings and emotions are appearing.

NORMAL.

So, here's what I told R... and what I have to remind myself hourly... sometimes minute by minute.

Don't judge your emotions and your feelings.

Emotions and feelings tell us something.

They are necessary.

They are not dangerous.

They teach us, if we let them.

Judging our feelings or emotions, or trying to talk ourselves out of having them IS dangerous.

By doing so, we are just suppressing them.

For me, picture that symbolic closet that I had been shoving my feelings and emotions into for 42 years.

That closet is going to break open at some point.

Naming our feelings and emotions is important.

It helps me, personally, to feel more in-control of myself.

I feel extremely uncomfortable when I am unable to name my emotions.

Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to figure out what the heck it is I am feeling, T has to be the one to name them for me.

Once we can name them, we can ask ourselves what we can do with them.

Sometimes, we just need to acknowledge how we are feelings.

Validate those feelings and then let it go.

Sometimes, we need to acknowledge, validate and do something with it.
For instance - set up boundaries, get out of a situation, cry, get some rest, go for a walk, write a letter (whether we send it or not), exercise, talk to someone, meditate, check in with a kitchen cabinet person or a therapist, begin therapy, talk to a doctor, etc.

Being sad is valid.

Be sad.

Cry.

Talk to someone you trust.

Write down everything in your head and your heart.

Being angry is valid.

Be mad.

Breathe.

Set up boundaries.

Re-center yourself.

Write down your feelings.

Stay safe.

Feeling betrayed is valid.

I often cry when I feel betrayed.

Don't try to understand why - you never will.

Instead, talk to a trusted person.

Validate yourself.

Set up serious boundaries.

Being joyful is valid.

Smile.

Sing.

Dance.

Show gratitude.

Being tired is valid.

Close your eyes.

Rest.

Meditate.

Stretch your body.

Read a book.

Listen to music.

Don't judge yourself.

Feeling hurt is valid.

Cry.

Be mad.

Write down your feelings.

Don't try to understand and don't judge yourself.

Talk to a trusted person.

Talk to a therapist.

If you don't have a therapist, I suggest everyone at least know of one that they would talk to if needed.

Having a therapist is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of health and understanding.

Attached are some charts that name emotions and feelings.

I find these charts super helpful in my moments of confusion when I can only say that I "feel bad."

Have a trusted person.

If you don't have a trusted person, please get a therapist that you trust and that you are willing to be completely vulnerable with.