Expectations

Have you ever just wanted a darn apology?

Have you ever just wondered and wondered why someone cannot see your side of things and just be respectful??

Have you ever wondered why people are the way they are?

It's a tough one.

Katryna taught me so much about expectations.

Every time I have a neuropsych appointment, we go over this.

It's a hard one for me!

Katryna taught me this lesson so well.

As hard as it was for me to hear it, I heard it.

"Not everyone has the ability to understand that they've done wrong."
"Not everyone will be capable of seeing that their behavior is hurtful."

We have zero control over how someone perceives us or reacts to us or views their own behavior.

Zero.

We are in a constant state of a bit of warfare in our home with outside influences.

Within our family unit, we are solid.

Outside influences take a toll on us, though.

So, we have been discussing these issues in detail for what I feel like is weekly (sometimes daily) for months and months.

Last night, I asked "What's the goal?"

When I heard the goal, I realized that I've been taught about this because of trials I've personally gone through.

NOTE: Isn't it "crazy" how trials we go through literally prepare us for upcoming goals??

Anywho, I explained that the goals that are in our minds are not going to ever come to fruition. 

They aren't.

Because that person is not capable of seeing things the same way.

That person is not capable of what you are wanting form her.

So, we have to have different goals.

Goals that are all about us, and not at all about other people.

Having expectations of other people is going to be a constant lost battle and I don't like losing!

While it would be great to have an apology, or to have someone treat you the way you feel you should be treated, or to expect someone to show you respect... 
It's not up to us whether or not that will happen.

So, our goals and expectations need to be about ourselves.

Goggins

https://youtu.be/5tSTk1083VY

I hope that you will watch the video linked. 

I also hope that you will find all of his videos and watch them.

Warning:

The language is real, raw, and can be offensive to some.

Last week, I was listening to a Joe Rogan podcast with a neuroscientist.

They brought up David Goggins.

They expressed their opinions about this man, then talked about facts regarding him.

I was intrigued.

I then watched Joe's podcast with David and needed to know more.

Last night, Mike put David's book on my phone so that I could listen to it as I work out each day.

I'm not sure that I would have been AS interested in his story if I had not, a) had a stroke and b) been an addict.

David is very intent on making his mind strong (callused). 

He states that the worst thing that can happen to a human is that they become civilized. 

He talks about doing one thing that sucks every single day.

Living in the uncomfortable.

The discomfort.

I would suggest that you go and learn about him.

1. Only person to ever go through Hell Week three times in one year.

2. Holds the record for the most amount of pullups in a certain amount of time.

3. Completed Army Ranger training

4. Was in the Air Force

5. Could not read as a junior in high school

6. Was abused. Severely.

7. Failed and failed and failed and failed at most everything before he succeeded.

8. Is terrified of water... overcame that fear to become, what some consider, the best Navy Seal ever.

9. Ran a 100 mile race. Two days later, ran a marathon and qualified for the Boston Marathon.

10. Has worked with his mind so much that he is capable of doing things others will never do.

 

Breathe

Yesterday, whilst sitting in the weeds, I listened to a podcast with a neuroscientist and professor.

Sometimes it's very helpful for me to listen to people who are experts in the field of my broken brain.

They have great advice that I have heard before, but that I remember much more richly whilst listening to them talk about it.

Our brains are amazing things.

Our brains connecting to our bodies second by second is even more amazing, really.

It isn't until our brain has broken a bit that we realize to what fullness that amazingness is!

Sometimes I don't feel much like me.

I'm sure that sometimes you don't feel much like you.

For not many good reasons, really.

Or even for reasons that we can't articulate.

But, when you have a broken brain OR an addiction, it can be very difficult to pull yourself from a very simple feeling such as this.

Simply not feeling like yourself.

We don't like feeling uncomfortable or uneasy.

So we RUN to find ways to not feel those things.

Until we have tools to help us to sit with it...

Realize those feelings aren't actually dangerous.

They aren't actually going to hurt us.

We can just sit with them and be.

During the podcast, the doctor spoke about breathing and sleep.

I do breathing exercises throughout the day, every day.

Sometimes they "work."
Sometimes, I am not willing to practice focusing on my brain enough to allow them to work.

So, as I sat outside in the weeds, under the shade of a tree, I focused on all things breathing.

I was reminded that my brain is still an amazing thing that can calm my body.

There are SO many breathing techniques.

It's important, in my opinion, to study them and research them and then to give them an effort.

I have found that some work better for me than others.

That's the point of trying them out.

Also, make sure you are in a space where you can focus on it.

Sometimes for me, that is going into the bathroom and locking the door and sitting on the toilet.

Sometimes, it is going outside in the sunlight for a few minutes.

Sometimes it is watching baseball.

Sometimes, it is coloring in silence.

Wherever it is, find a place and reconnect your brain to your body often.

The Three C's

While at the gym on Sunday, I was talking to a friend.

Last week, she wrote a social media post about addiction.

It was raw and real and so articulate. 

She spoke about her addiction, the way it effected her relationships, her children, her entire life.

She talked about the difficulties of recovery and how it is an everyday thing.

I told her how much I admired that.

It made me cry, in fact.

To be brutally honest about your addiction to an audience of people who believe, a) they are not addicts and, b) addicts are something other than what they actually are, is SO hard.

It's like talking to a wall.

A wall that spews ugliness back at you.

We talked about our addictions.

We talked about the daily challenge to work through them.

We talked about what addictions we have swapped our addictions for.

Remember, that's a thing.

She has swapped her addictions for the gym.

She is a body builder and works extremely hard at it.

Her husband is with her every single day and, together, they do this thing.

We talked about that, too...

How fortunate we are to have spouses who love us, support us, understand us, and root for our rise every single day.

We also talked about what it is like to be an addict.

To have an addictive personality.

I told her that I have gained 15 pounds since COVID.

I told her that I want to be healthy and fit again for my wedding.

I told her that my mind has gone back to the "power and control" I feel when I am in the depths of an eating disorder.

She nodded.

She got it.

She's an addict, too, afterall.

I told her that I haven't gone there yet.

And I told her that I feel that I am fighting everyday not to.

She told me about an app she uses, and how she uses it.

Without judgement.

Without arrogance.

Just with grace.

And understanding.

And support.

We talked about how, for those reasons, we love addicts.

We love 12-step programs.

We love groups full of addicts because there is only love and support and a complete lack of judgement.

This morning, I was at the gym alone...

Meaning without Mike.

He was out the door before I even got out of bed to go to the gym.

It was the first time that I have been to the gym at the butt crack of dawn in over a year.

There is a group of girls who goes in the mornings.

They are moms, I would assume.

Younger than I...

I used to compare myself to them every single morning.

I would crush myself.

Daily.

This morning, they walked in.

I smiled.

Then I went on with my workout.

Courage.

Clarity.

Confidence.

As treatment continues, the three c's become more a part of who I am.

And I like who I am.

It's Never Too Late

My Miss Birdie bought me a sign several years ago.

"It's Never Too Late to Live Happily Ever After."
Miss Birdie has seen me at my lowest.

She is the reason I was admitted to the psych ward ten years ago.

I had a very bad, un-diagnosed eating disorder.

(Addiction)

I had just survived a sexual assault by a stranger near my parent's home.

I was a single mom of four boys.

I was in the midst of a process addiction that had been going on since childhood that remained un-diagnosed until just last year.

I was a wreck.

I was broken down.

I was broken, period.

And, I was not the mama my boys deserved.

Although I was there, I was emotionally and mentally and sometimes physically not there.

This continued until June 24, 2019, when I began treatment and therapy and intense healing.

Those three things will continue until I leave this Earth, because that's how this works.

I have always hung the sign in my office.

I look at it daily.

Some days I would be angry with that sign... believing it was for everyone but me...

Believing that this "happily ever after" they speak of does not pertain to me...

Believing that I was never worthy of such a thing.

Until about a year ago, when I believed that no matter what my future held, I WAS worthy of a happily ever after.

This morning, I looked at my sign and I immediately thought of a prayer that Colton said Saturday evening before dinner.

"Heavenly Father, thank you so much that Mama and Mike got engaged and that we'll all live happily ever after."

Yes, Heavenly Father.

Thank You for my treatment, my therapy, my healing.

Thank You that among really hard decades, I was able to get the treatment that I desperately needed, and will always need, so that I could understand my worth and my value.

Thank You for always keeping Your promises.

Thank You for my path and my journey, which really was always leading me to You.

Thank You for my babies.

Oh, Father, thank You for my babies.

Thank You that Mike was also on a path of healing, and that he moved next door, and that without knowing anything about one another, we were both on our paths to healing, and in the end -

You allowed, and probably even illustrated, our journeys colliding.

Thank You that, in the end, no matter what our past has always looked like, there is a happily ever after for everyone.

Three Years

Sunday will be the third anniversary of the airplane crash that killed P, his beautiful bride, his best friend, and his bride.

July 26.

I remember that day so vividly.

I remember the sounds.

I remember what I was wearing.

I remember what he was wearing.

I remember our entire conversation.

I remember how I had begged him for five straight days not to get into that plane.

I remember that the last thing he had on his iPad was me flipping him off that day.

That day.

I saw him.

He said, "Love ya, Sis. See ya Monday!"

But, I didn't see him Monday.

Less than 30 minutes later, he was no longer here.

He was dead.

They were all dead.

And, I knew it.

We knew it.

I remember wailing, almost howling with grief and tears for hours.

Until Kay and Bill and Keith could get me out of the office around the media and home.

I took 2 1/2 hours to get me home.

The freeway was closed because the plane was on it.

What was left of the plane.

Their bodies were on the freeway.

And that freeway was the last thing on earth I wanted to see.

For days, I would drive the back roads to get to work.

I would sit on the floor against his closed door.

NO ONE was to open that door.

I was sit on the floor and cry.

Stare.

Work on my laptop.

Drink my soda.

And cry.

No one made me move.

The Chief called me the next morning.

He said, "Sis, I want you to know that when you see his casket, his body is in there... in tact."

Jimi, the minister, came and sat with me in my office.

The guys would take turns sitting in my office at lunch to make sure I ate.

My heart was shattered.

My best friend was gone.

The person who believed in me, and my children, and every single crew member here was gone.

There was the City memorial.

The viewing.

The funeral.

The burial.

They were all beautiful.

There were sacred moments at each.

Moments that I knew were God winks.

Then, life was supposed to go on... move forward.

The stroke came five months later.

All 43 guys were in the waiting room in the ICU.

They had been taught by P that if he was ever not here, they were to take care of me and my boys.

They have taken that very seriously since that day.

He would have been so proud of them during those months of paralysis, re-learning everything, therapy, hospitalizations, and consequent permanent FMLA.

There was the day one year later when his sister, whom I'd never met, came to see me at the office.

It was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life.

An experience like that is rare.

I am grateful.

There were the times when my boys had major things happening in their lives and afterwards, they would come and say, "Mom. P was here."

I'd nod my head and tell them I knew.

Grief really is like an ocean.

It doesn't ever go away.

Some days, however, it is in the forefront far more than other days.

This weekend will include those days.

We will celebrate him somehow on Sunday.

I will most likely cry.

And laugh.

And remember how blessed I am to have such a dear friend and big brother who can be with us all the time, not just when the flesh allows.

Lifting

Real question:

How do you feel when you watch video of someone hurting someone else?
How do you feel when you watch video, or in person, of someone not doing anything about someone being hurt?

How do you feel when you see, or hear about, someone being abused in any way?

Most of us would say that we have sadness, anger, anxiety, hurt, confusion...

How do you feel when you watch videos of people helping others?
Lifting them up?

Rooting for their rise?

Protecting others?

Most of us would say that it makes our day, it feels good, we feel happy, etc.

Now.

Which one are you?
Are you the one who does things, says things, controls things, manipulates things in order to hurt others?

Are you?

Are you the one who lifts others up? No matter your relationship with them?

Are you?

If it makes you feel good just to watch someone do something nice for someone else, imagine what it feels like if you live a life where you are constantly lifting others.

Just imagine.

Loss of Relationships

Last night, one of our dearest friends called us.

She began to talk about how she just had a friend end their friendship.

S is not from Utah.

So, friends have been a very important thing to her.

When she makes a friend, she really wants to hold on to that relationship.

This "friend," though was never a good friend.

However, that doesn't matter.

As she talked about how she was sad and hurt, she also said that she was just trying not to think about it.

We told her to mourn the friendship.

Really mourn it.

Feel sad. Feel hurt. Feel confused.

Then, you can let it go.

We told her that her feelings are understandable and normal...

Even when our friendships or relationships may not be healthy or good, they are still relationships in our mind and mourning the end of that is important.

I love the last part of this quote:

"Not every new beginning is meant to last forever. And not every person who walks into your life is meant to stay."

It's all part of our journey.

But, don't push those feelings away.

Feel them.

Sit with them.

Cry, if needed.

THEN, let it go.

No Weakness

For the last week, or so, I have struggled A LOT with my attitude.

I've been very short.

Very frustrated.

Easily irritated by every dang thing.

Not wanting to be affectionate, which is very strange for me.

I have done everything I have been trained to do:

1. Ask myself what I am feeling

2. Meditate.

3. Yoga

4. Gym

5. UV light

6. Color

Still, no relief from my attitude.

I have been on anti-depressants for almost 30 years.

I will be on them forever, and that's okay.

I was talking to Mike yesterday at the gym and telling him all of this.

No doubt, he's noticed my attitude.

Poor man has taken the brunt of it.

I have constantly asked myself what is wrong, and have no answer.

It's time for blood work.

I am 43.

I had a hysterectomy 11 years ago.

Maybe something is off with my hormones?

But, it's time to call in backup!

There was a time when I would have really judged myself!

WHY am I behaving like this?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Everyone says that you can CHOOSE how you act...

Etc.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we really can't choose how we act.

We need help.

It's time.

And, that's not a weakness.

That's a great thing.

So, in a couple of weeks I will go in to get my blood work done and we will go from there!

Writing

I love to write.

I'm not a writer, per se.

But, I love writing.

It is how I have always talked about the internal me... even though I didn't really have the right words.

Up until, oh say a year ago, I was always told to write things out...

BUT then to throw it away, shred it, flush it down the toilet, burn it, etc.

Now, there is a time and a place for that sort of activity.

My whole life ain't it!

So, I have continued to write my feelings (now, with the appropriate words) BUT now...

I don't throw them away.

I now take those jottings down and I share them...

Usually with Mike or T.

But, I talk about them out loud.

I might not be the most filtered person out there.

Okay, I'm totally not!

But I'm done with throwing away my thoughts and feelings.

It's no longer healthy for me to do that!

Ego

This is a HARD one for me. 

It is one that I struggle with daily.

"Switch off your ego... take a deep breath... remember that if you are easily offended, you are easily manipulated."

Yikes. 

Ego:

the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

 Instead of vulnerability, people with unhealthy egos experience fear and defensiveness. “The ego works against us is when it pushes us into fear and scarcity,” said Bentley.

If Ego is at the forefront, we are unable to be vulnerable.

Without vulnerability, we cannot be our true selves.

This takes PRACTICE!

Deep breaths.

Turn OFF your ego.

Practice, practice, practice.

Ego most definitely causes me to experience fear and defensiveness.

Neither of those are good places to be!

Brene Brown says this:

“Bouncing hurt. Our ego is the part of us that cares about our status and what people think, about always being better than and always being right. I think of my ego as my inner hustler. It’s always telling me to compare, prove, please, perfect, outperform, and compete. Our inner hustlers have very little tolerance for discomfort or self-reflection. The ego doesn’t own stories or want to write new endings; it denies emotion and hates curiosity. Instead, the ego uses stories as armor and alibis. The ego has a shame-based fear of being ordinary (which is how I define narcissism). The ego says, “Feelings are for losers and weaklings.” Avoiding truth and vulnerability are critical parts of the hustle. Like all good hustlers, our egos employ crews of ruffians in case we don’t comply with their demands. Anger, blame, and avoidance are the ego’s bouncers. When we get too close to recognizing an experience as an emotional one, these three spring into action. It’s much easier to say, “I don’t give a damn,” than it is to say, “I’m hurt.” The ego likes blaming, finding fault, making excuses, inflicting payback, and lashing out, all of which are ultimate forms of self-protection. The ego is also a fan of avoidance—assuring the offender that we’re fine, pretending that it doesn’t matter, that we’re impervious. We adopt a pose of indifference or stoicism, or we deflect with humor and cynicism. Whatever. Who cares?”

Scary Times

We had a bit of a scare in our family on Saturday.

Mike was sick.

Like, really sick.

Fever, with clammy sweats, serious dizziness and a couple of other symptoms.

In fact, we were asked to wait outside (like outside of the building altogether) until they called us on the phone to come in.

Then, when it was time for him to go in to be seen by the doctor, I was not allowed in.

Now...

I am a master at going to the doctor or hospital with people.

Like, it's pretty much a talent of mine.

I am strong and on-point in these situations, until it hits me days later that I was actually worried and frightened and anxious.

That is another story, though...

But, to have to leave him at the doctor's office...

That was a whole new level of "bad feelings."

I was sad.

I felt guilty.

I felt helpless.

I felt selfish.

I felt scared.

I felt out of control.

I texted him like every ten dang minutes, asking for an update.

I allowed ALL the thoughts to go through my head:

"What if he has COVID and I can't see him for weeks?"
"What if he has to stay there and I can't be there to comfort him?"

"How hard is it to break-in to the damn hospital?"
"T did it! So can I!"

"How do I help him through this?"
"But for reals, I could probably scale the outside of the hospital and break in..."

He was the calm one.

Like usual.

He assured me that everything was fine.

And, it was.

I picked him up a couple of hours later.

But, this COVID thing is for real.

I cannot imagine the pain and agony that patients and their loved ones have gone through in not being able to see each other, hear each other, touch each other...

This is a hard, hard time in our world.

My compassion grew about a thousand fold on Saturday for those who are experiencing this stuff first-hand.

And, I'm still pretty sure I could scale that hospital if needed....

Neuro Checkup

This morning was my neuro checkup.

Via Customer Connect... or something.

Think Zoom-like.

First, I have the best team.

They know me so well.

I have a LOT of cognitive fatigue.

With the heat, also comes physical fatigue.

I have a TON of support at home.

Mike is extremely diligent in making sure that I rest when I can.

However, I want to be up and at'em and getting stuff done!

As at every appointment, the question about working comes in.

From them, not me.

Yes, I have to work.

Thank you for asking, though!

The gym is critical.

I will be pushing myself to get there.

And, then the rest is just carrying on as usual!

Imposter Syndrome

Does this look familiar?

THIS is what a validation addiction looks like from the angle of the addict.

This starts with environment and the atmosphere of never being validated, yes.

However, then our own brains take that over and make it our own.

Then, we have the inability to validate our darn selves.

And, that becomes an addiction to finding validation in any form possible.

To take away that imposter syndrome.

It's a shit show.

Epic shit show.

And yet...

And yet, there is hope.

There is treatment.

There is recovery - which lasts a lifetime.

There is re-learning.

There is re-doing.

Over and over and over again.

Until we are capable of validating ourselves.

Self Care

December 2017.

Two and a half years ago.

When I was released from the hospital to go home, I think I felt like everything was going to be "fine."

And, it is.

But, I think I felt like everything was going to be perfect.

Like, give me six months and it'll all be perfect.

And, it's not.

And, it's not for anyone actually.

Fireworks.

Kiddos.

Dogs.

Work.

Doctor appointments.

Heat.

Busy days.

Lack of sleep due to who knows what.

It all effects my brain.

In big ways.

And, it shuts down.

In big ways.

Yesterday, it crashed.

As it does.

I never know when.

Rarely do I know why.

I just know it does and that I have no other option but to let it, and to go with the flow of it.

That means in bed, flat, no lights, no technology, no sounds, eyes closed...

Out.

Yesterday, I had to take an emergency med which shuts everything done so it can reset.

I always get SO frustrated.

The fuzziness.

The memory loss.

The confusion.

The inability to find my words.

Dropping things with my left hand.

Water running out of the left side of my mouth.

Struggles with my swallow.

Headaches.

I get SOOOO frustrated.

And I feel such guilt.

I feel guilty that while I am laying down, Mike is cooking for the boys, running errands, taking care of dogs, cleaning up messes, making sure the boys have what they need, taking care of me, doing laundry... all of it.

But never has there ever been a time when he has not told me that it is exactly what he wants to be doing...

Taking care of me.

Making sure I am taking care of myself.

Doing everything.

SO, I woke up this morning.

Pretty fuzzy.

A bit confused.

He helped me through my Live.

He helped me remember what makeup I needed on my dang face.

He reminded me what I needed to accomplish today.

And sent me on my way.

So, I find my smile.

Which, I feel is pretty darn even this morning!

People without partners,

I see you.

I hear you.

People without the most supportive, loving partners-

I see you.

I hear you.

It is not until within the last year that I had a partner that is all of those things.

Gosh, is it hard to do it all.

Or to feel like you have to do it all.

Or to be expected to do it all.

It is SO hard.

To have health issues and be a single parent, working full-time, working multiple jobs and then going home to be the homemaker and cook and chore-doer and errand runner and coach and cheerleader and doctor taker to-er and homework helper outter...

You are doing the best you can.

And somedays that sure isn't a lot.

I see you.

I hear you.

I love you.

Be KIND

Sunday, Mike and I were driving to or from somewhere.

I actually have no idea.

But I was telling him that one of the many things I love about him so much is that he always, and I mean ALWAYS, looks for something positive to say to people.

Saturday night when his sister walked in our house, I heard him exclaim, "Tesia! Your hair looks absolutely beautiful!"

He is always so genuine.

He is thoughtful in his compliments.

And he is constantly looking for ways to share them.

He is also a defender of those who might be struggling or having a rough day.

I admire that so much about him.

After I thanked him for his example in that, I told him a story from 30 years ago that I remember to this day.

I was a Beehive in Young Women's.

I was 12 or 13.

We were at an activity where a lady in the neighborhood who did hair was showing us some tips and tricks in her home.

This was a lady that I was always sort of envious of.

She was physically stunning.

She had the "perfect family."

She had the "perfect home."
I wanted to be just like her.

She told us about a challenge that she gave herself years prior.

That challenge was that every single person who sat in her chair would be given a genuine, sincere compliment from her.

This woman told us of a situation that occurred a few weeks prior.

She had a client in her chair and was doing her hair.

She had been searching and searching for something about this woman that was beautiful.

On this particular day, and with this particular person, she was really struggling to find anything.

The hair appointment was coming to an end and she still had not found anything about this customer that she felt she could genuinely compliment.

Then, the woman smiled.

That was it!

She told the client how absolutely stunning her smile was.

The client began to cry and said no one had ever told her that before.

Day=made.

Yesterday, as I scrolled through social media, I came upon a FB Live done by a Younique Presenter.

She is a "black status presenter."
That means she is among the elite and highest ranked presenters in the company.

I like to watch her lives because I feel she is real and raw and not your "typical" beauty influencer.

You can always count on trolls being on these lives.

They pick out every little thing AND THEN, they comment on them.

Negative.

Hurtful.

Bashing.

Mean comments.

About someone they don't know.

About someone they can unfollow or just not watch.

They take time out of their day to intentionally mock and slander these people.

I had enough.

I replied to one of the comments.

I simply asked this stranger to BE KIND.

I asked her to please simply not watch if she doesn't agree with, or like, this person.

I told her how sorry I was that her day must have been so awful that she found it appropriate to speak to and about someone like this in a public manner...

That she spent her TIME doing this...

Repeatedly.

Being unkind does NO GOOD.

If you don't agree with someone;

If you don't like someone;

If you feel offended by someone;

YOU get to unfriend them, unfollow them, leave the situation, leave the relationship...

But taking time out to be unkind, to mock someone, or insult someone... what a waste!

That only reflects on you.

Please be kind.

Mindfulness

I saw a book on Mike's night stand this morning and told him I was taking it!

It's about mindfulness.

Before my stroke, I don't think I'd ever heard this work.

And, if I did, I paid it no attention.

That word literally meant nothing to me.

When I had the stroke, it was a word that I heard constantly.

And, I had to pay attention to it.

It would require my full attention in order to heal...

In order to connect my brain with my body once again.

The concept of mindfulness is all about being present, fully in the moment, and becoming aware of yourself and your surroundings.

It also means practicing non-reactivity and not becoming overwhelmed by your environment. 

I learned all about mindful meditation.

And I had to do it every single day in the hospital.

I still do it.

I do guided mindful meditation, which I simply do on YouTube.

It really makes a difference.

I recommend to EVERYone doing mindfulness exercises.

Yoga is a great way to connect to your body.

Meditation is fantastic.

Breathing exercises are excellent.

Taking time to ask yourself, mindfully, where your body is in your space is something that I do each day when I begin to feel overwhelmed.

Example: Quietly (in my mind) asking myself:

"Where are my feet? What are they touching"

"What is the chair touching?" (back of my legs, bum, back, ribs)

"What do I smell?"

"What do I hear?"

"Where are my fingers?" (then I touch each finger to my thumb slowly)

This is a great way to get back to your "center."

Tummy breathing is SO effective.

Breathe in (down to your belly) for a count of four.

Hold it for a count of four.

Release slowly to a count of six.

Repeat four times.

Focus on your belly filling with air.

Sometimes, I will focus on a certain body part.

Example: my sore foot.

I will imagine myself breathing down into my foot. 

Or wherever you might be having pain.

It is amazing!

Relationships

Here's the thing.

Mama is not exactly an expert in relationships, People.

Shocker, I know.

For all of you who just had your jaws dropped out surprise with that comment, close your mouth and hear me out.

Last night, Mike got a message from one of his best friends.

Lifelong friends.

He mentioned that he and his bride are taking a break.

Immediately, Mike asked him what he needed and what he could do for him.

And then we talked.

And we talked again this morning.

Mike hasn't heard back from Mr. X, but we are actively worried about him and his family.

Because relationships are hard.

Even the best of relationships. which I happen to believe I am in finally, are hard work.

They require WORK.

Active work every single day.

Now, when both parties are actively working on the relationship every dang day, the relationship certainly has a better chance.

But, regardless, it is hard.

One of the aspects of my addiction to validation has been that I am a runner.

I run from any sort of contention or problem or issue.

Like, Heidi OUT.

It has taken a daily, active mindset to not do that anymore.

There have been times when T will tell me that I am acting like a toddler and to knock it off.

She wasn't wrong those times.

She's actually never wrong - except when she has decided to continue living in Tokyo even after her house almost burned down - but whatever.

Running is bad for a relationship if it's going to work.

I'm learning.

I am grateful, indeed, that I am surrounded by all kinds of relationships.

All of which take immense, daily amounts of work.

Each of which have to be planted firmly in integrity, love and commitment.

I am surrounded by same sex relationships that are beautiful and love-filled.

I am surrounded by same sex relationships that include children that are supportive and strong.

I am surrounded by relationships that have lasted, where the children are the biological children of those two parents. These relationships are note-worthy, respectable and awe-inspiring.

I am surrounded by relationships where there is a single parent, raising children all on their own. These single parents are exhausted, determined and hard working.

I am surrounded by relationships where there is a single parent who is co-parenting with the other parent. These relationships are hard, strained, but committed to the children involved.

I am surrounded by relationships where the families are blended - Brady Bunch-like. These families are full of love, strife, patience, conflict, laughter and tears.

I know of relationships where grandparents, aunts and uncles are raising children;

Where children are adopted;

Where children have disabilities;

Where parents are stricken with illness, disease, disabilities, even terminal;

Where there has been death of a spouse or a child;

Where children have been sent to live in a hospital or facility because of mental health issues;

Where families are mixed race or mixed religion...

All of these relationships are hard.

They take work.

They require accountability to each other and to self.

No relationship is exactly what it might look like on the outside or on social media.

We don't tend to social media blast our hard times, our tears, our frustrations, our fears, our sadness, our not-so-pretty experiences.

We are all worth it.

And, PS...

Having a counselor on speed dial is ALWAYS a good idea!