Triggers

I have been struggling for the last couple of weeks with triggers. They seem to be coming one after another. I know what they are:

1. Dad dying & being resuscitated 8 times

2. Colton working through issues + eye appointment + dentist appointment in two days

3. Kaydon leaving on his mission

4. Braxton & Mia moving out

I know that they are related not to the present, but to past issues which cause feelings of abandonment and rejection. These issues are caused by years of abuse & neglect.

Even though I KNOW what is triggering me and WHY it is triggering me and from WHEN these triggers come, I still have to work through them - one at a time!

What does that look like?

1. Sitting with them

2. Pinpointing them and understanding them

3. Writing down the trigger, from where it comes, and that it is a past experience - not present

*** Writing things down automatically takes our brain out of emotion and into intellectual state***

4. Breath work + thought work = letting go of the feelings as I recognize that they are not based on the present. Being present. Being AWARE of the present.

Triggers come ALL THE TIME. Recovery, being present, being in our true self, doing all the "right things" does not take triggers away. It DOES, however, allow us awareness so that we can work with them and through them as they come.

 

12 Steps

I want to post, again, about the 12 Steps to Recovery.

Regardless of what recovery program you are going through, each has 12 steps. 

And, although the wording may be more specific to your particular addiction, they are all generally the very same.

I attend the ARP (Addiction Recovery Program) through the LDS Church.

It is a general recovery program for ALL addictions.

The twelve steps for ARP read as:

Step 1

Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

Step 2

Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.

Step 3

Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

Step 4

Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

Step 5

Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.

Step 6

Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.

Step 7

Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings.

Step 8

Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.

Step 9

Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed.

Step 10

Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong promptly admit it.

Step 11

Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out.

Step 12

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do.

There is a lot of research that has been done to create the twelve steps.

There is healing and active recovery that takes place within these steps.

However, they are meant to be done again and again and again.

Recovery is not a one time and done.

It is active!

 

Podcast #1

My first podcast is loaded.

It's loaded on the wrong YouTube Page...

But, I'll get this all figured out!

https://youtu.be/79gujeoeUQI 

Awareness

If you didn't already know, I always wanted to be a cheerleader.

I even had blue and white pompoms.

I would watch the BYU cheerleaders during every football game and try to imitate them!

So, please picture me with my blue and white pompoms jumping up and down and yelling:
BE AWARE. BE BE AWARE!

Self-Awareness is step one in all aspects of self-discovery, self-improvement, self-advocacy, and self-love!

Awareness of your mental state, your emotions, your body, your relationship with self and the space you occupy.

It begins with the knowledge that you are a son or daughter of GOD.

Your worth is not up for discussion.

It just is.

My first FREE podcast will be tonight and I'll post it here tomorrow!

If you would like to work with me one-on-one regarding your process addiction, please set up your appointment here https://www.facebook.com/aubreyandco8.

Then hit the "book now" button!

 

Process Addiction - Hobby vs. Addiction

Hobby vs. Addiction

Here are some key factors to help you determine if you might have a process addiction:

- The person's mental and/or physical health is negatively impacted by engaging in the activity or behavior, such as increased irritability or sleep deprivation

- The person is unable to stop engaging in the behavior or activity, despite negative consequences or effects

- Strained relationships with friends and/or family as a result of the activity or behavior. Work relationships may also suffer.

- Negative consequences directly associated with their continued, extreme, or chronic behavior because of the addiction. This might include illness, losing a job, losing valuable relationships, financial issues, etc.

Process addictions are just as dangerous as substance addictions. Read that again. Process addictions are just as dangerous as substance addictions. Often times, process addiction addicts simply believe that something is "wrong" with them. They begin to feel helpless, hopeless, ashamed, and empty. There is SO much hope for addicts!

 If you would like to work with me one-on-one, please click the "book now" button here:

https://www.facebook.com/aubreyandco8

Process Vs. Substance

When most people hear the word, "addiction," they think of alcohol and/or drugs.

Period.

Clearly, those are the two items that fall under substance addictions.

The vast majority of addictions fall under "process addiction."

I am passionate about educating the world about process addictions!

It is so important that people realize the role that these play in our lives.

Addiction:

The individual repeats an activity or behavior to get the desired effect (fix). With substance abuse, the drug and/or alcohol is the vehicle of choice.

An individual can become addicted to a process or behavior, just as they can with a substance.

Addiction is when the individual is addicted to the feeling brought by a certain action or substance.

When a habit changes into self obligation - a lack of control, inability to stay away from the behavior; abandoning commitments, ignoring risk factors, ignoring relationship effects, etc.

Main causes of addictions (this list is not a complete list):

Environment (past and/or present, to include abuse, neglect, etc.)

Social Pressure

Lack of Social Support

Poor Coping Skills

If you are interested in working one-on-one with me, schedule your appointment at

https://fb.com/book/aubreyandco8/

 

Live In Your Worth - With Process Addiction

I am an addict.

For those of you new to these parts, my name is Heidi.

I am an addict.

I have a process addiction.

My addiction is to validation.

We are going to dive, deep, into process addictions.

What they are.

What they mean.

And how to live in our worth through recovery to our addictions.

I am SO excited to do this with you!

Every Monday, we will go through the ABC's of living in our worth as a process addiction addict.

We will talk about all the things.

And, at the end of each post, I will give you FIVE action items.

Throughout the other days of the week, we will talk about process addictions, period.

What is the difference between process addiction and substance addiction?

What are process addictions?
How do they effect us? 

How do they effect those around us?
How do we live our best life through this process?

 

Come Follow Me - Week of September 20th

The Priesthood.

I have a deep love for the blessings of the Priesthood.

I remember hearing President Thomas S. Monson speak to the women of the Church.

He said that we should ask for Priesthood blessings as often as we feel the desire to have one.

And, I do!!

My moments of greatest joy have come from:

- Watching my boys bless and pass the Sacrament

- Watching my boys take the Sacrament, on their own time, to those who could not leave their houses

- Watching my boys serve others (some who they knew, and others they didn't)

- Watching my boys teach the Gospel

- Having my boys lay their hands upon my head to give me Priesthood blessings

- Watching my boys baptize and ordain one another

In moments when I have been at the bottom of the human ravine (I've been there a few times), the Priesthood blessings have been what have propelled me back to my feet with determination to climb up and out.

I have such immense gratitude for the Priesthood in my home.

As Kaydon leaves for two years, I hope Jackson is ready to head up to his mama's house on a moment's notice!!

 

Questions & Answers

This is an important one, in particular for process addiction addicts.

AND for anyone in a relationship of any kind, really.

If you ask someone a question, you need to respect the answer.

Period.

You don't get to ask a question, not like the answer, and go off on the person because YOU didn't like the answer.

Example:

(this is literally a random example, not a personal example)

A tells B that they should attend event 2 instead of event 1 which both take place at the same time.

A & B are married.

B does what A says.

A questions whether or not B felt that A was being controlling.

A is told to ask B how they felt about it...

A isn't sure they want to hear the answer.

If A chooses to ask B if B feels that A is being controlling by telling B which event they WILL be attending, A had better be ready for the answer.

If B tells A that yes, in fact, they did feel bossed around or controlled, A must respect that answer and not be upset with B for their true feelings.

If you ask someone a question, it is then your responsibility to listen.

Listen to their feelings.

Listen to their answer.

Listen to their perception.

Listen to all of it, without response.

Hard.

Yes.

But necessary.

 

Living In Abundance

This.

This is the secret right here, Friends!

Living in Gratitude and Abundance.

ALWAYS.

Part of being in my true self is living in gratitude and abundance at all times.

When I am in my false self, I am worried about E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. all of the time.

I worry about time.

I worry about finances and bills ALWAYS.

I worry about future things always.

I have anxiety and then I feel depressed and weighed down and overwhelmed and alone...

STOP.

Flip the switch.

I (we) don't see the big picture, Friends.

We are responsible for right this minute.

The present.

We get to learn from the past and move forward.

It is not our job to worry about the future.

We are here, right now, in the very place we are supposed to be.

Live in gratitude right now for right now.

Live IN abundance right now for right now.

I'm telling you, if someone were to steal my debit card they are not going to be happy.

The thing is going to get declined most anywhere they go!

Mama is not swimming in dough, you know what I'm saying?

BUT, when I am living in abundance I am not panicked.

I am not worried.

We have what we NEED.

Nothing more, and that's okay!

When I live in abundance, I am focused on my scripture reading (personally focused), my children, my jobs, my primary kiddos, nature, moving my body, coloring... all the things.

I am HAPPY.

Like, full of contentment.

I KNOW that the Father has me.

When we live in gratitude and abundance, we want for nothing.

We have what we need.

There is so much freedom in this!

 

Live In Your Worth - As An Abuse Survivor

 Abuse comes in so many forms; forms we don't even consider when we hear the word, "Abuse." There is mental, verbal, physical, sexual, religious, emotional... there is control, neglect, betrayal... The list goes on and on.

I, personally, have survived physical, mental, verbal, and sexual abuse. I have also endured betrayal, neglect and control. There are coping mechanisms which allow for abuse survivors to actually survive. This may come in the form of addiction, mental health issues including bi-polar, depression, anxiety, and more. This may also come in the form of self harm, drug abuse and alcoholism. Eating disorders are common among abuse survivors, as well.

The amazing news is that people who endure abuse are no less worthy of love than those who never experience it. Our worth is not lowered because of the abuse we have survived. Our worth is not determined by those who have hurt us. We are whole!

The beautiful part of being an abuse survivor - and, yes, I do believe in a beautiful part of being a survivor of other people's harm to us - is that we are filled with empathy and a genuine compassion for those who have been through similar experiences. And, we then have the honor of helping those people in their times of need... to mourn with them, to lift them in their low times, and to nurture their true self.

We can, and DO, live in our worth as abuse survivors. We are whole, just as we are. Our worth is never up for discussion. We are loved just as we are.

If you ever feel the desire to have one-on-one worth coaching, please feel free to message me.

Come Follow Me - Week of September 13th

This is a tough few sections of the Doctrine and Covenants!

These Saints are being put through the wringer!

Again and again and again.

AND, whilst being put through the wringer they are being told to "forgive" those who are hurting you so badly.

Like, BADLY.

Forgive.

Forgive again.

Forgive a third time.

Here is the thing about afflictions and sorrow from your girl here:

They are necessary.

In fact, they are blessings.

Yup, this girl just told you that afflictions and sorrows are blessings.

They prepare us for REAL joy.

They teach us to trust in the Lord, His timing, His plan for us, and a small fraction of the love He has for us.

I told my children this week that they (WE) have had our fair share of trials and they have been BAD, all uphill, excrutiating and seemingly never-ending.

BUT, I would never ask that we didn't have even one of them.

We needed them.

They have prepared us, strengthened us, and given us so much empathy and compassion that we would not have had otherwise.

So:

When we are in the midst of laying our heads at the bottom of the rotten human ravine, remember to keep trying, keep trusting, keep believing, keep growing.

Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever.

And, remember this:
God is the captain of the army of angels.

He will never fail us.

And, second:

If you are not able to forgive a situation or a person right this second, that's okay.

But, continue your forward progression.

In order to do that, set it at Christ's feet.

Put that post-it note in your Jesus box.

And don't go back and take it out.

Then, you can actively work on forgiveness.

 

Come As You Are

This quote, though.

If you don't follow this uber-talented guy on Instagram, I suggest you do.

I had a tender-mercy learning moment yesterday.

One of my sweet non-biological sisters is going through a very tough time.

Like, really hard.

I am the annoying sister-friend who is asking her daily how she is.

Two days ago, she told me that she was trying to stay distracted.

I know about distractions all too well.

I lived on Planet Distraction for 42 years.

It's how I survived.

Everything went into that symbolic closet and I kept myself distracted from feelings.

I told her that I understood.

Then, I asked her to be careful with distractions.

She knew.

And I knew that she knew.

Yesterday, a really terrible thing happened to her AGAIN.

And, she broke.

All of the emotions came out.

Crying.

The kind where you can't stop, where your whole body shutters.

Anger.

Sadness.

Confusion.

Fear.

And more crying.

I told her how sorry I was.

That I love her.

That I wished I could just hold her and let her feel all of the feelings.

That I was sorry that things just kept piling on.

Then, I thought.

How many times have I been literally beat down with burdens?

At the bottom of that human ravine.

With no way to climb out.

And one more awful thing slams me into the ground.

I've wondered out loud, "God, you're supposed to be my friend."

"You're supposed to protect me from this."
"Where are you???!!!!"

Yet, those "icing on the cake" moments are when I break.

They're when I finally sob for hours.

Weeping and wailing.

They are when I finally have no choice but to FEEL.

And, God knows that.

So, He isn't going to save me from them.

He needs me to feel.

He knows that I need to get these emotions out and this is they only way to do that.

So, He's going to stand by and let it happen.

He's going to let me feel.

He's going to love me through it.

He's going to feel my heart with light right after I purge the darkness.

He's going to bless me with people like this non-biological sister to love me through it all.

To remind me that I'm okay.

That I'm better than okay.

I'm worthy of love and light.

 

Live In Your Worth - As A Single Parent

Being a single parent was not on the first vision board I made in Mrs. Kuiper's second grade class.

Being a mother was.

Being single, period, was not on that very first vision board.

Being a mother was.

Part of living in our worth is realizing, recognizing, and EMBRACING that things are as they should be.

Being a single parent has brought challenges that have taken me to my knees on multiple occasions:

- Financial burdens that are SO heavy to carry for 22 years. Child support non-existent for years and years and years.

- Time management (working full-time, working multiple jobs, getting the boys where they need to go, home making, cooking, shopping, comforting, appointments, homework, school projects, church activities...)

- Medical issues for my babes (30 operations total)

- Parenting alone is something that feels very unnatural. I have made decisions based on my own logic, moral compass, what I felt was right at the time. Parenting alone means you don't have anyone to bounce ideas off of. It's all on one parent.

- My boys not having a strong relationship with their father. 

When in my true self, however, and living IN my worth, I recognize that without these opportunities, my relationship with my Father in Heaven would look incredibly different.

My need to rely on his comfort and grace would not be what it is today.

There is something to be said, also, for the relationship between a single mother and her sons.

My boys tell me EVERYTHING.

Things I never really wanted to know, People!

We are a team.

Their bond... the four of them... is my greatest accomplishment.

The joy I receive from their joy is unspeakable.

The things that they have overcome, or carried, is truly awe-inspiring.

There is no straight and narrow path, Friends.

It is ALWAYS winding.

It is uphill and downhill.

It is steep at times.

Sometimes it feels literally impossible.

The mists of darkness blanket each path.

They are everywhere.

There are large and spacious buildings on both sides, lining the path.

Every path is different.

This is ours.

I couldn't be more grateful.

 

Come Follow Me - Week of September 6th

This week, we are studying D & C: 98-101.

These are HARD sections.

HARD.

The Saints are basically being tormented.

And it's not going to get better for a MINUTE.

Yet, God continues to tell them to "Take Comfort."

"Look for the good."

"Don't retaliate."
"Forgive."

Timely.

SO timely.

Thankfully, Becky Beck sent me a YouTube video to go along with this week's topic.

Here are Heidi's thoughts on these sections at this very time in my life:

There are times when, if Heavenly Father was a mortal friend, I'd have some serious boundaries with Him.

There are times when I'm not even sure I'd consider Him a friend if He was a mortal friend!

I feel so much compassion for the saints in these sections.

Life is SO hard for them right now.

And yet, God is aware of them.

He DOES see them.

But, for whatever reason He does not take these trials away from them.

In fact, the trials get worse and worse before Nauvoo comes.

And, Nauvoo DOES come.

But not before horrendous trials.

Let's break down my feelings:

1. Take Comfort. "In what," I often ask. What would you like me to take comfort in? Where can I find that comfort, Father?

2. Look for the good. I am actually pretty good at finding SOMETHING to be grateful for. However, there are times in the midst of the hardest trials when it just feels impossible. So hard to find the good. 

3. Forgive. Don't retaliate. Just forgive. 

Let's dive into this one. 

I had a conversation with myself OUT LOUD as I drove home from Utah County on Saturday. I had a good hour, if not more, to really discuss this aloud in the car.

First, there are times when we are just not truly ready to forgive someone or something. And, that's okay. BUT, there is always something we CAN do. 

For me, in a current horrific trial, I am not ready to forgive the people involved.

But, what I can do is put their names on a post-it note and place it in my Jesus Box.

This is the box that I use to symbolize me putting my trials at Christ's feet.

I can put this trial at His feet, not take it back, and then actively work to forgive.

Forgiveness doesn't just come and that's okay.

But there is always something that we can do.

Second, I asked myself a question:

"If there was one trial that I could not have had to go through, which one would I choose?"

As I went through the hardest of hard trials we have had, and let's be real - there are a lot and they are REAL bad...

I can honestly say I would not take any of them back.

That speaks volumes about our Father's plan for us.

In the deepest of despair, at the lowest of low times, in the midst of hurt and agony that my children and I have felt...

I wouldn't take any of them back.

Be Still.

Know that He is God.

 

Three Words

Branding is an interesting thing, right?

Who are you?

What do you market?
How do you market yourself?

I am following a goal group this month.

The first of today's challenges was to ask my social media audience to list three words they think of when they think of me...

I think of a few words when I think of me:

Mama.

Beauty Influencer.

Worth Coach.

Auntie.

Recovering Addict.

Obviously we are all:

Children of God

Take some time today to think about who you are, what your branding would look like, the story you want to tell about yourself...

 

"No" ALWAYS Means NO

I will not be going into detail.

Please don't message me to ask me what this is about.

It is incredibly private.

However, NO MEANS NO.

"I don't want to," means NO.

"Don't" means NO.

"I don't want to do this" fucking means NO.

It is not a suggestion.

It is not a joke.

It is not telling the other person (perpetrator) to try harder.

NO.

It actually means NO.

Whether you are dealing with someone who is neuro typical or not neuro typical.

IT MEANS NO.

And, PS.

If the person is not neuro typical...

For goodness sake, LISTEN to the NO.

Yes, I'm angry.

Yes, I'm dropping the "F" word.

Don't chastise me about my words.

Please teach your children, no matter what age they are, that NO is a complete sentence.

Also please teach your children to look out for others.

Teach your children what "friend" means.

It means having integrity, protecting each other, looking out for each other, and honoring each other's space.

Teach your children that they can come to you with ANYthing and not feel ashamed or shameful.

Please allow a safe space for your children to do so.

And, LISTEN.

Be that safe place.

I am SO grateful that my children tell me everything... even things I don't want to know.

I'm SO grateful that because of my addiction recovery, I am more present than I have ever been with my children.

I am so thankful that I am in the best place I have ever been in my life so that I can be the best mom possible to my babies.

And, I know they are men.

But they will eternally be my babies.

Don't try me.

 

Enduring

I am not a huge fan of the word, "Enduring."

Enduring feels like going through really hard times just because, and that feels unnecessary.

I prefer long allowing.

Long allowing feels better.

It feels more necessary - like there is a reason and a good reason for what is happening.

Sometimes in life, though, all we can do endure.

My boys and I are in such a time as that.

And, I'd say we are doing a hell of a job!