Abstinence is Not the Same as Recovery

My last appointment with my Katryna was last Wednesday.

I had a whole list of things to talk to her about.

I walked in, plopped my bum down on the cozy couch and pulled my paper out.

She said, "I have some things I want to talk to you about."
Well, by all means!

You go first, I told her.

She stood up and wrote on the white board - all fancy and teacher-like...

"Abstinence is not the same as recovery."

?????

Day one of recovery saw this girl diving head-first, fully clothed, into the deep end of abstinence... and this girl is terrified of water.

I was all-in with abstinence.

Everything I did, and didn't do, revolved around abstinence.

And, I have succeeded at abstinence.

However, that's NOT recovery.

Damnit.

Remember how a pretty long time ago, I talked about how addicts really do replace addiction with another addiction.

It's like a game.

That no one really wins.

Katryna said that, although she is crazy proud of my abstinence, I have started doing things to avoid feelings again.

True.

An example of that is business.

Now, let's be real for a minute.

I AM crazy busy.

Raising children by myself, with no co-parent;

Literally working four jobs;

Running a household;

Trying to manage self care.

I am busy.

However, at times over the last few weeks I have REALLY busied myself up even more than what is usual.

Katryna explained that there is nothing wrong with being busy.

It's WHY I am so busy that is the issue.

Here's some more examples:

WHY do I go to the gym?

For health and so I don't harm humans

OR 

For validation

This one I can answer because it's my place where I go for me and to get my head connected to my body.

WHY do I post selfies with quotes?
To sell makeup and skin care

OR 

For validation.

I took a week off of social media to really think about this one because I wasn't sure.

I think that there were times when I WAS looking for validation from outside sources.

Therefore, I am very intentional now when I post.

I ask myself, and am very honest with myself, about why I post ANYTHING.

WHY do I door dash every single dang night?

Is it for a particular financial situation

OR 

Is it to make myself insanely busy and without rest?

The only way to know your why's is to be honest with yourself.

This has been a great lesson for me!

Recovery is a journey.

I am far from recovery.

Recovery for me will look like this:
Heidi no longer seeks, or even thinks about, outside validation.

Heidi KNOWS who she is and where she came from and knows her worth.

She no longer needs to be reminded of it through outside sources.

And, I have a long ways to go!

I've Reserved a Seat

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you have seen and heard me talking about my ah-ha moment on Saturday whilst at the gym.

My depression for the last two weeks has been about an 8/10.

It has pronounced itself through laziness, fatigue, tears, and no desire to do or be anything.

I have found myself in bed at 5:30.

No gym.

No dashing.

Just there.

As it crept higher and higher on that scale of 1 - 10, I began to feel unworthy to go to the gym.

Unworthy and even frightened to door dash.

Guilty for laying in my bed, yet unable to do anything else.

Saturday, I got up and went to the gym.

All the while, feeling shame, fear, and comparison almost taking over my head space.

Have you been there?

Where nothing good can even get into your head space because it's so full of depressive thoughts?

That's where I was.

I decided to watch a U99 presentation by Brene Brown.

People, this woman has it freaking figured out when it comes to vulnerability and shame.

Her presentation was based on this quote:

Please go watch the presentation.

BUT, here is what I took from it.

Fear, shame and comparison are ever-present in our audience.

Wherever we are.

In our arenas.

Could be at work. Could be at home. Could be in the gym. Could be in the goals that we have set for ourselves. Could be ANYWHERE.

She talked about how most of her life, she had tried everything possible to make those three "guests" go away. If there weren't there, she would perform so much better.

Then, she realized that they weren't going anywhere.

So, she has reserved seats for them in her life.

There is always a seat for fear, shame and comparison.

The difference is that she is no longer willing to listen to their feedback.

This goes for people in our lives, as well.

And, she says this:

While I was on the treadmill, watching this, I began to cry.

Surrounding me, all up in my head space were fear, shame and comparison. 

I literally said to them, in my head:
"I see you. I feel you. I know you are here. You are welcome to stay. There is a place for you here. However, I am no longer willing to hear your feedback. Because also here is strength, courage, compassion, faith, joy, grace, and love. So much love. Those are the guests I am willing to hear from."

That goes for people in our lives, as well.

You are welcome to be here.

There will always be a seat for you if you choose to come.

However, I am no longer interested in your feedback.

If you aren't in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback.

AND,

One more thing...

I need to stop looking for validation from strangers at Walmart.

From the people at Church whose name I know not.

There are people in my life who hold my hair back when I puke.

Who drive for an hour and a half one way to tickle my back until I fall asleep.

Who wipe my tears when I cry.

Those are the people who have valid feedback.

You Actually CANNOT Choose Your Feelings!!!!!

Do you know how difficult it was to find a quote that is the actual truth?

HARD!

I have ALWAYS heard that we can CHOOSE to be happy instead of sad.

We can CHOOSE to be happy instead of mad.

We can CHOOSE to feel one way when our body feels a different way.

There are quotes all over social media about how we NEED to be CHOOSING our feelings.

This has added increased anxiety to me...

A feeling that I'm failing because I can't change my feelings.

We discussed this in counseling, and again in my appointment this morning.

And, guess what??

Sure as shit it isn't a thing!!!!!!

We cannot change our feelings.

We can change our attitude.

We can change our behavior.

But we cannot change our feelings.

Feelings are actually chemical-based.

And ALL feelings have a purpose!

Read that again.

ALL feelings have a purpose.

If someone is sad, they recognize that they are grieving something that they had a connection to.

If someone is angry, they recognize that they feel that they have been betrayed or hurt or damaged.

If someone is depressed, they just might have depression!

And those feelings cannot be changed.

What we shouldn't do is judge them.

I'm a queen self judger!

Like, an expert self judger.

Like, PLEASE someone make a medal!

What we can do is change our actions and our attitude and behavior.

So, working out makes me feel better.

Coloring makes me feel better.

Baking makes me feel better.

So, I NEED to set appointments with myself to do those things that bring me joy.

And, I need to be accountable to myself, or others, for doing those things.

My depression, as I have said, is at about a 10 right now.

My actions show that.

I am wanting to go to bed.

All day.

I have still made my appointments.

I have still been at my full-time job all week.

But, that's about it.

Last night, one of the guys messaged me and told me to get to the gym.

I went.

All I did was walk for an hour, but oh, how I felt better!

I went into the tanning booth for 10 minutes and got some UV light.

Winter is hardest for me because my body craves sunlight.

It felt SO good.

And I got lots of hugs from my guys.

It was just what I needed.

My depression, my feelings of sadness, being overwhelmed, even being resentful are telling me something...

I can't choose to be happy instead of those things, but I can choose to do things that bring me joy.

And, People. 

Let's be real.

If people could CHOOSE happiness over other feelings, wouldn't everyone choose that??

It's not a thing. 

Loss

I have had a really difficult couple of weeks.

I have, without questions, been "faking it til I make it."

I have not been going to the gym.

I have not been feeding my body properly at all.

I have not been reading my scriptures (this has to do with the gym... I listen to the B of M whilst on the treadmill).

I have been wanting to go home and go right to bed.

That means I am not dashing either.

So, no exercise mentally, physically or spiritually.

No income from not dashing.

Bills continue to pile up.

And, I'm really emotional.

Yesterday was my last session with my Katryna.

She is moving to Florida.

It was an intense session.

She was meant just for me.

She is very lovingly REAL.

Like, she tells me how it is.

And, I listen.

The very first thing she wrote on the white board was this:
"Abstinence is not the same as recovery."

Well damnit.

When I started treatment, I went into abstinence like it was the oxygen that would keep my body alive.

I was ALL IN on abstinence from men.

You see, that was what I initially thought my addiction was.

Turns out, it wasn't.

But, I remained "abstinent" from dating period.

And, it was good and refreshing.

However, that is not recovery.

Instead of men, I went right to being as busy as humanly possible in order to avoid some of the feelings.

That, I recognize now.

There is nothing wrong with being busy.

There is a lot wrong with the reason WHY I was staying so busy.

In fairness, I AM busy.

Single mom of four kids responsible for ALL OF IT.

No support.

But being busy is different than being busy in order to avoid hard things in life.

It took me a full hour to get that...

About half way through the session, I began to weep.

Finally, I was releasing my feelings.

I had been waiting for this.

You see, Katryna moving away feels like a loss.

P's birthday is Saturday.

That reminds me of a critical loss.

The anniversary of the stroke is Tuesday.

That reminds me of a loss of my normalcy.

Jackson's one year anniversary is Wednesday.

I have three doctor appointments in five days.

The holidays are ALWAYS hard because I'm reminded that I don't have the means to gift to my children.

I am in a very sensitive state right now.

I've decided to take a break from doing lives for a few days.

I've decided to really try to focus on WHY I am doing things... innocent things...

I have decided to figure out a way to get myself back into the routine of working out and dashing.

I've decided to let myself feel the sadness, weight of the losses, anger, fear, etc. by myself, without seeking validation from anyone or anything.

That's a heavy load, Friends.

However, I can do it.

Last night, after counseling, I sat in Kaydon's room with him.

He said, "Ma, I am so stinking proud of you."

I wept.

And, as I type this, I am weeping again.

And, once again -

To my T:

To my Becky Beck:
To my Miss Birdie:

To my Jody:
To my ride or die people:

Thank you.

Taking Offense

This morning, I did a FB Live.

I do these almost daily.

I did it on my personal page.

I told it from my point of view.

I received messages afterwards from people thanking me for helping them to not feel so alone.

Then, I received a comment on it.

"You're going to offend someone."

I deleted the Live immediately.

Now I regret that decision - 

Not the one to do the Live or to say anything at all that I said in it.

But, to delete it out of fear that someone would be offended.

Remember that whole validation talk we had the other day??

Remember what my addiction is??

To BE validated!

And, I gave in to one person who assumed others would be offended.

So, that is what I am going to talk about here.

I am speaking mostly to myself, so I will direct it to me...

Heidi Rae,

As a reminder, this is your story.

In your space.

Other people can read it or watch it, or not.

Other people can have personal opinions on it, or not.

Other people can validate you, or invalidate you.

Other people get to choose.

And so do you.

You are choosing to tell your story on a very public platform.

That is brave.

It is also an opening for others to judge you.

And that would be their choice, with no reflection on you or your story.

Heidi, your objective is never to offend anyone.

However, you have done this long enough to recognize that plenty of people are going to be offended.

That is part of life.

That does not mean that you stop telling your story.

That means that you keep telling your story and allow others to tell theirs.

It means that when other people tell their story, you don't get offended either Heidi.

We all have the responsibility, really, to tell our stories.

Keep telling yours, Heidi Rae.

Trauma

Your trauma is valid.

Your feelings are valid.

Your emotions are valid.

You are valid.

Here's the thing:

No one gets to tell you if your trauma is or is not valid.

Just like you don't get to tell anyone whether or not you hurt them.

If they say you did, that's valid.

If you are dealing with trauma from 41 years ago, it is still valid.

If you are dealing with trauma from yesterday, but you really can't deal with it right this minute, it is no less valid.

And, moreover (yup, totally using big words here),

If there are people in your life who are not allowing your trauma to be valid, who are invalidating your feelings because they don't want it to reflect badly on them - those are not your people.

Boundaries, People.

Boundaries.

My Primary class is epic.

Like, these are my people.

Seven and eight year olds.

You know why?

They are smart and feisty and REAL and emotional and sassy and bright and innocent and just so wondrous.

I especially love non-neuro-typical kiddos.

I have one such wonder in my class.

Sunday, my little wonder was struggling a little bit.

Yelling, screeching, hitting his head, struggling to stay in his seat.

Let's be honest:

We ALL feel that way often.

He is just so magnificent in his ability to act on it.

I was standing, teaching.

That teaching word right there is being used VERY loosely.

I noticed three other eight year old's suddenly staring, with questioning, yet loving, big eyes and open mouths.

I stopped in my tracks.

I put my hand gently on his head, as to remind him that he is grounded, that I am right there, that he is safe, and seen and heard and validated.

Then, I loudly - over his screeches - asked, "Is J distracting to you?"

They nodded, while still watching him.

Then I asked, "What do you love about our J?"

The answers were such eight year old answers, I marveled.

I teared up.

I stood, in awe of these children who were expressing exactly what they thought.

People, their answers were:

I like that J can act how he feels in his head.

I like that J sits with us in the circle now.

I like that J sits down when the teacher asks him to.

I like how J likes the blue crayons the most.

I like how J uses his words.

Me too, Loves.

Me too.

He calmed down immediately.

The "lesson" was then over. 

Because the real lesson, the lesson that all of us needed that day, had just been taught.

In fact, I was not the teacher after all.

These little stars were.

They see J.

They hear J.

They validated J.

In that moment, with no prodding from their parents, or even their "teacher."

I simply expressed to them in that moment that I believe we are the luckiest class in the whole Church because we have J and R and P and K and B.

And do you know what they said, almost in unison??

We are the luckiest because we have YOU.

That is validation.

In the simplest, most pure form.

Be Happy Now

I have always, and I mean ALWAYS, chased happiness.

I will be happy when I am in a loving relationship.

I will be happy when I don't have to work four jobs.

I will be happy when I am financially self reliant.

I will be happy when my businesses are "successful."

I will be happy when the people around me think that I am loveable and worth it just as I am.

I will be happy....

I have heard MANY times that we just need to choose to be happy NOW.

Whatever.

I always felt like that came from people whose lives were good enough to be happy.

Seriously, it was stay-at-home moms who had financial security through their spouse... who were beautiful and fit... who got to attend their kids' events and school class parties... who were making boat loads of money in their side businesses... they had everything I wanted in order to deem myself happy.

Well, I listened to a Ted Talk this weekend.

You know, we hear the very same things our entire lives.

But, sometimes it takes the "right" person or the "right" time to be able to really get it.

This weekend was my time.

I heard it and it stuck with me.

Be happy NOW, Heidi Rae.

Be so happy that your boy is asking you to do his Eagle Scout project with him, asking him to run around with him in the freezing cold weather to hand out fliers.

That is JOY.

Be so happy that you are making exactly what your boys requested for dinner.

They eat it up and there are no leftovers.

That is JOY.

Be so happy that your oldest misses his mama right now, so he reads old posts in the blog, then calls weeping, saying that he just needed to be reminded who he is and he got that from his mom.

Be so happy that you have a voice. That you have boundaries.

That you have Primary kids who absolutely adore you to the point of loving all over you for a full hour.

I am SO happy that I have a child who is not neuro-typical. Because of Colton, I am able to understand and love with all of my heart other children who are not neuro-typical.

I am SO happy that my body works, and that I have three appointments this week to keep that going.

I am SO happy that I have a warm house, my children have warm beds and pillows and we have hot water and clean clothes and food in our bellies.

I am so happy that I live near my nephews and I can love on them often.

I have so many things to be happy about!! 

And, by the way--

No one is happy all of the time.
That's normal, too.