Big Fan

I am a HUGE fan of having a mental health professional on speed dial.

For EVERYONE.

There is absolutely ZERO shame in having someone that you can reach out to at anytime for any reason.

NONE.

Stop the stigma.

For real.

I am also a big proponent of making sure that you have a good fit with a mental health professional.

There is NOTHING at all wrong with switching counselors if you have not comfortable, or able to be completely vulnerable with the current therapist.

It is important to have the best fit possible for yourself.

If you don't, then move on.

Mental health is critical.

For you.

For your spouse.

For your children.

Couples counseling is also a HUGE plus.

Even if you don't currently feel that you have any reason to go to counseling with your spouse, there is value in having a counselor that you are both comfortable with and seeking advice... especially when you feel like everything is going well!

Having a third party to get advice and to get tools from is a blessing!

And, our kiddos.

Oh, how our kiddos need to be able to have someone that they can go talk to and get tools from.

Anxiety, Depression, Stress, Anger, Fear, Sadness, Divorce, Moving, School...

These are real thoughts and feelings and events that warrant our children having the opportunity to speak to a trusted third party.

As parents, we want our kiddos to come to us for everything.

Sometimes, there are other people who have the tools they need.

Thank goodness!
And, sometimes our kiddos are trying to protect us from their feelings.

Having a trusted third party to help them sort through those is invaluable!

Sending Love

I really believe that, in some degree or in some way, this is all of us.

All of us are healing from things that we don't talk about.

Everyone is learning to live with feelings that aren't comfortable.

Needing to heal is a real and normal human thing.

Some of us are waiting for apologies.

Apologies that we will never get.

Apologies that are holding us back.

Apologies that aren't ever going to come.

We get to move on.

Without the apologies.

Trauma is a real part of life.

Most of us will experience it in some form.

Most of us will experience it multiple times.

Healing is a part of life.

Trauma doesn't make us a broken person.

Or a failure.

It puts cracks into our soul that we then feel with love and grace and mercy and compassion.

Those things make those cracks beautiful and softer.

Those things make those cracks inviting and warm.

I Get To

I started doing a thing a few days ago.

By "few" I mean like two days ago.

But still...

I woke up telling my dang self, "I GET TO go to work." "I GET TO drive in a car that has gas." "I GET TO talk to the public." "I GET TO do end of the month and end of the year reports."

"I GET TO be a mama and a partner." "I GET TO ..."

It has really changed my crappy attitude on days when I just don't wanna!

People, the great thing about being a human is that we never stop learning.

Ever.

Just changing the way I phrase things in my head is helping to shape my day a little bit brighter.

Shaped

This quote is life.

I have always had a love-hate relationship with the word "regret."

It's a common question: "What regrets do you have?"

Holy Moly!

If each of us had a genie in a bottle and we could just take three things away from our past, we would probably do it!

But, then we wouldn't be exactly who we are.

We couldn't be.

Those experiences, big and small, have helped to shape us into exactly who we are.

The good and the bad.

The choices that we have made all along have molded us into the person we are today.

Period.

Now, that doesn't mean that we should be complacent.

If there is someone who we should apologize to for things in the past - do it.

If there is someone you should forgive (whether they have apologized or not) - do it.

That includes yourself!

But, living with regrets is a waste of your time and energy.

You are who you are because of ALL of it.

Wish Healing

This quote contains a lot of healing.

I have told this story before, but I'll tell it again because it is powerful.

It changed me.

Many years ago...

Probably 12 years ago, I had a conversation with my Becky Beck.

I'm telling you, this lady is going to be sent straight to the highest kingdom of glory automatically!

Anywho, I was talking to her about how I was constantly praying that my boys' father would be responsible and pay child support and spend consistent time with his children.

And, that was true.

I was pleading, no begging, God to instill in him these feelings.

Mind you, I am fully aware that everyone has agency and can make their own decisions, but I NEEDED God to step in here and just take that agency right away.

It doesn't work that way.

FYI.

Anywho again, Becky Beck said this:

"Heidi, instead of praying for that, why don't you pray that you will be able to forgive him and that God will make up the difference?"

Huh.

I had definitely never thought about taking that route.

Ever.

In the history of ever.

But, I agreed to do it.

Beginning that very day, I prayed that I would forgive him and I asked God to make up the difference.

I'm telling you that Jesus took the wheel!

From that day forward, my hatred (and it was legit hate) toward him went away.

In fact, I didn't feel anything but sorrow for him from that day on.

I felt sadness for him that he was missing out on the most amazing boys ever.

In the history of ever.

I felt sorry for him.

Sadness.

But never again did I feel anger or bitterness or betrayal or hatred.

And, there will never be enough time for me to list all of the thousands of ways that God has always made up the difference.

People donating clothes to my boys.

People leaving random gifts on our doorsteps.

People bringing food.

People giving us money for Christmas.

People buying school supplies for my boys.

People fixing our cars.

People watching my children.

People taking my children camping and hiking and doing amazing activities with them.

My children have had the most amazing male leaders in scouts and in church.

Family members have stepped in from day one to help financially, emotionally and physically with my children. 

My jobs have always had just the right people to love us in just the way we have needed to be loved.

By wishing others healing, we actually prevent pain for ourselves.

By wishing people goodness, rather than pain and karma, we bring peace to ourselves too.

People will cause us pain.

That's life.

By wishing them pain, we are doing exactly what they did to us.

And that's not who we want to be.

Learning & Growing

I absolutely LOVE these phrases!

I am practicing using them on the daily.

Not just for the events taking place in our world, but for regular and daily conversations.

It is SO validating to other people who we are communicating with to hear us say, "In light of what you just told me. I have changed my mind," OR "I didn't see it that way. I was wrong," OR "I never thought if it that way. Thank you so much for explaining that to me."

Everyone's opinion matters.

Everyone's feelings matter.

We don't have to agree.

We don't HAVE to change our mind.

But, we can listen and learn.

And grow.

Always.

Not one of us is above that.

You Won't Understand

Treatment hurdles:

Being aware of feelings, emotions, actions, etc. is exhausting!

NOT shoving all of those things into a closet as if to get rid of them is exhausting.

Learning to go through them and sort and experience and figure it all out is exhausting.

Here is what is most hard:

I try desperately to understand other people and why they do and say or don't do or don't say or the why's or the how's or all of it...

For instance:

When someone's goal is to make you feel uncomfortable...

Why?

Why would anyone do that?

For instance:

When someone discusses YOU with everyone BUT you...

Why?
What does that do for them?

My neuropsych has told me SO MANY TIMES:

Heidi, you have to stop trying to understand.

You're not going to understand.

Ever.

Because you don't think like that.

Truth.

If EVER I thought that someone was uncomfortable due to me, I would be horrified.

I would feel like I had to go and fix it right away.

Horrified.

The other thing that I learned in the past few days:

I am not the only person on this planet, Yo.

I am not the only person who might be uncomfortable in a situation.

Rather than focusing solely on how I'm feeling in an environment, I need to make sure that i understand how my loved ones are feeling as well.

Lessons.

And onward we go!

Let's Be Clear

Let's be clear about something.

Being in any type of relationship with me is DAMN HARD.

Hard. Hard. Hard.

It takes pretty much a modern day miracle for me to trust you with my feelings.

Let's be honest, I'm still (and probably will be for a long time) trying to figure out what feelings I am having and why and what to do with them!

So, imagine being someone who loves and cares about me trying to figure it all out.

Damn. Hard.

Add to that a process addiction of validation.

So, I am trying to articulate what I am feeling and someone shares their own belief about how I should feel or how it "really is."

That is called hard shut-down.

Like, Control-Alt-Delete SHUT DOWN.

I immediately go into that closet that I've had for 42 years and shove all the feelings in there and lock it, for certain unwilling to share them ever again with anyone because not only was it brave of me to share them in the first place, but they weren't validated.

Damn. Hard.

The people who love me, and there aren't many!, don't ever TRY to invalidate me.

Or not take my feelings seriously.

That is NEVER their intention.

And I know that.

So, letting go of that closet and listening and understanding is all part of  recovery.

And recovery is never-ending.

Message from P

While working this morning, I glanced over to my left screen.

I have two monitors and was focused on the right monitor at the time.

When I glanced over, this is what I saw.

Just sitting there.

Of course, as I do, I started to cry.

X was like, "How is that even on there? It's almost been three years!"

Yeah, I know...

But P has a way of creeping in when I least expect it...

Just to say "hi."

The ironic thing is that he HATED when I would cry.

Like, he was a runner when I'd cry!
P OUT!

I can't believe it's almost been three years since he didn't listen to me!

Turd.

Committed

I was asked to come up with something for Green HoriZen.

This is what I came up with.

We have had several members of the community asking us to "take a stance."

I actually believe, personally, in the things that I put in this document.

As someone who grew up in a diverse atmosphere, who was taught to love everyone around me, I truly felt that I was anti-racist.

That I had zero issue with prejudice.

That I was WAY ahead of these "morons" who were doing and saying all of this horrible stuff.

I listened to a conversation that Matthew McConaughey.

This man is brilliant and real and humble.

He was speaking to a friend of his, a Black man.

He used the term White Allergies.

This.

This was eye opening.

ALL white people really do have some sort of thought process that goes on in our heads regarding Black people.

Period.

For instance:

A six year old black girl was marching in protest last week. (she was adorably fierce and passionate)

A white mother saw it and said that she has a daughter her age, who didn't even know that these protests were going on.

White Allergies.

Her daughter doesn't know about it because "it doesn't effect her."

"It will make her sad."

"It's scary."

The black girl doesn't have that option.

This IS her life.

The events of late have really opened my eyes to what I am missing in my own.

What can I do different?

I can LISTEN.

Not to respond, but to hear and to learn.

I can advocate.

I can engage.

I can be educated over and over and over again.

I can always do better.

Equal

Michael and I were having a conversation on the way home from the gym on Monday night. It was about "equality." I told him that I have never felt more equally yoked to anyone in my life, until now. I read this quote today: "Remember this when seeking relationships. You're looking for an equal, not a project. You're looking for someone who takes care of themselves AND has the capacity to take care of you too. Someone on your level who you can respect and vice versa."

Can I get an Amen all up in here?! Part of my process addiction is ALWAYS looking for projects. How can I make other people feel validated, the way I never felt? I will help those people to feel better than I was ever made to feel! I will fix those people who are broken, because I can't fix myself.

This was how I went through life - always looking for projects so that I could feel better somehow, some way. The problem is that I can't fix anyone but myself. The problem is that I had no idea how to do that until one year ago.

Mike and I have spoken often about how if we had tried dating all of those 27 times I ditched him, it would not have worked out because neither of us was ready. We were both on our own journeys through counseling and therapy and figuring out ourselves so that we could figure out life. Now, we are equals. We take care of ourselves AND each other. There is no project. There is just active love.

Addiction amazes me every single day. It is something that truly takes away agency. It absolutely changes your brain and the way that it works. It changes the way that a person operates on a daily basis. There is this strange cloud-like environment that an addict lives in - always trying to be okay. And never being okay because you ARE NOT okay until you do the work to be okay. And prior to doing the work, you actually have to know that you are not okay. Process addictions are no different than chemical addictions in this way.

How amazing it is to understand my addiction, to understand from where it came and to have the tools to actively work through that addiction every single day, with an equal partner.

I Promise

Mamas,

And I have learned that in order to teach my children, or myself, how to love others... 

We have to love ourselves first.

I promise to teach my babies (who are not babies anymore) to love your babies.

No matter their skin color;

Their religion;

Their background;

Their sexual identification;

Their economic status;

I promise to teach my children that they are loved, and that it is our job on Earth to love others.

It is our job to listen.

It is our job to learn.

It is our job to love.

Self Care Action Calendar

I found this calendar online last week.

I am fully aware that September 2019 has come and gone and is never coming back.

But that's not the point.

The point is that I started yesterday (Sunday) with my self care action calendar.

Use this idea and make your own.

Write in your calendar things that are hard for you so that you can focus on self care that is perfectly perfect for you!

10 Signs You're Doing Better Than You Think You Are

Did you read it?

Self-check Friday.

Where are you at?

Listen, you don't have to have all ten signs down to be doing better than you think you are.

ONE.

Just ONE is enough.

We all have to start some where and in this life we are given the opportunity to start over time and time and time again.

We are all still on training wheels.

So, where are you at?

I want to talk about #4 for a minute.

If you have #4, you are well on your way to completing the other nine.

Brene Brown talks about this.

If you have ONE person in your life... just ONE.. that you can call and say, "I just messed up BIG time. I messed up royally and I don't know what to do about it and I'm in a shit show of a mess that I created," and you hear back from that person, "Alright. Let's do this," THAT is your person.

If that person sometimes gets back with you and says, "Hey. I wasn't there for you like I should have been, like you needed me to be, but I'm here now and I'm with you," THAT is your person.

No one will have more than two or three of those people.

If you have just one, you are golden.

If you have two or three... you've hit the lottery and been struck by lightening.

And, by the way...

We can ALL be that person for someone else.

Pep Talk

There is always something amazing about giving our dang selves pep talks!!!

Bad Days

I am MUCH more aware of my dang mood since starting treatment last June.

It's a blessing and it's a curse.

This morning was ROUGH!

Like, it sucked the suck.

Mike is out of town.

He'll be home tonight and leave again tomorrow morning for two days.

Let's just say that it's a bit obvious that this man is gold and that he does mornings, and nights, like a freaking boss.

Because this morning was BAAAAAD.

I heard Braxton let the dogs out, but it was for a hot minute.

Like, less than a hot minute.

Then all three dogs are in my room while I am trying to get dressed and they are freaking the freak out because they have not yet been fed.

I go into my bathroom to put deodorant on and come out to a pile of shit on my carpet.

Yup, dog poo on my carpet.

I picked it up. 

Went out to get food bowls ready and Kaya is doing her stinking jumping in the air on all four legs thing while Izzy is doing her talking/barking thing, while Gus needs to pee again.

It was all bad.

Fed.

I put both of the girls outside on their leads.

I am hearing barking and barking and barking.

I go outside and they have wrapped themselves around one of the deck poles approximately 593 times.

They are jumping on me while I am trying to get them off the leads.

Kaya is biting at my fingers because apparently she thinks I have food in my damn hands.

I forgot my almond milk for my breakfast at work.

I couldn't poop this morning so my tummy hurts.

I was stressed out beyond words.

And then Mike calls and my bluetooth won't work so I'm trying to talk to him whilst driving a stick.

It was all bad.

I got to work wanting to go back home and start the day over.

But that's not an option.

So, I'm choosing grace.

I told myself, "Self. This morning sucks balls. It is a shit show of a damn morning. You are swearing a lot and it's OKAY. Bad mornings happen. You aren't a damn failure. You DO need to poop. Let's work on that. Mike IS coming home tonight. Let's focus on the goodness of that. Bad days are OKAY.  Bad mornings are OKAY. YOU ARE OKAY."

And, we carry on.

Dirty Feet

Dearest Gandhi,

Thank you.

Over the weekend, Mike and I were watching a FB Live. 

It was a fellow Younique affiliate.

There was a troll on the Live who was saying mean things in the comments.

Other people who were watching were then turning on her.

This happens daily.

Miss S simply said, "Shelbie (the girl being ugly), if you don't like me then don't watch me. You can hit unfollow. But we don't need to be ugly. Maybe you are just having a bad day and tomorrow will be better. Y'all, don't respond to her. Pray for her! Maybe Shelbie needs Jesus today!"

Amen, Miss S!

None of us need to allow people to walk through our minds with their dirty feet.

With their negativity.

With their hurtful comments or angry tirades.

She was blocked soon after.

Me is Amazing

My self esteem is on the struggle bus lately.

I have gained ten pounds.

Now, before y'all start rolling your eyes ... let me explain.

I'm an addict.

One addiction that I've had most of my life is an eating disorder.

It has been held at bay for a good ten years, but it is rearing it's ugly head in ways that I'm aware of.

I'm definitely not back into my eating disorder.

But I am back into the self-thoughts that I've always had.

Combine a past eating disorder with an addiction to validation and it's not a good mix.

I have not been kind to myself with self talk as of late.

I feel disgusting physically.

Disgusting.

And that is what I tell myself when I look in the mirror, which I try not to do.

Mike tells me 100 times a day that I am beautiful, that I'm sexy, that my hips and my butt are perfect, that my legs are strong, that there is no more beautiful woman in the world.

What more validation could a girl want?

Well, that's the thing about an addiction to validation.

You see, my validation needs to come from myself.

I know Mike loves me.

I know that he loves every single part of me.

He tells me.

He shows me.

He does everything that a person could ever want or need.

But, I'm not giving myself validation.

Until I remember and REALLY believe my worth as is, I am going to struggle with me.

So, it's back to self affirmations.

It's back to praying to Heavenly Father to allow myself to see me as He does.

It's back to doing the things that make me feel good: self affirmations, eating healthier and working out.

Until then, 

We really are enough.