Goals vs. Resolutions

I've never been a fan of the word, "resolution."

I love goals.

I work every year to get better at goals.

Making them.

Having short term and long term goals.

I love the SMART way of doing goals.

I am currently working on planning out and calendaring goals for daily, weekly and monthly time frames.

My goal this year with goals (that sound cooky) is to begin each month with a new set of SMART goals.

Cheers to another year of becoming our best self!

 

Funnies

I saw this yesterday and I was like, "YESSSSSS!"

I just knew that's what people were talking about!

Not that I'm a brassy sassy hag!

I hope it made you giggle.

 

I Got In Trouble

Christmas was wondrous.

It really was wonderful.

Saturday, I crashed.

Hard.

In fact, I don't remember Saturday at all.

Sunday, I actually got out of my bed and laid downstairs by Mike.

I didn't shower.

I didn't do anything, actually.

It was pretty bad.

Yesterday (Monday), I felt pretty good.

In feeling pretty good, I took down all of Christmas, organized the upstairs closets, rearranged the front room furniture and kitchen, vacuumed, and dusted.

Mike came home.

He was less than thrilled with me.

Not because he was mad at me.

But because he just wants me to rest.

He, just like Katryna and Erica do, reminded me that after a crash a good day does not mean that I can just get up and do everything.

I am stubborn and less than patient.

But, they are right.

So, now that there is literally nothing left for me to do besides clean and organize my own closet, I will just work and relax.

 

Getting Organized

One thing I love about the holidays is putting everything away.

In the past years of my life (to include all years of my life), I have not really done this in a good way.

Meaning, I have not been organized.

I have been very cognitively ill the last couple of days.

In that time in bed, I have thought and thought about what I want to do as I am putting things away this year.

I have my list and I'm checking it twice!

I am excited to validate myself as I do it.

Today, I start with our three upstairs hall closets.

This will end up including portions of my kitchen as well.

As I get things organized and in their place, I feel like that will just feel better.

 

A Little Nicer

Isn't this the truth?
This week, my co-workers and I have commented a few times about how people have been nice this week.

Unfortunately, that is not the norm.

In fact, it's so rare for people to be nice to us.

Sad, right?!

But, then there is Christmas.

And, most people decide that they are going to be joyful and merry and bright, and NICE.

It's a beautiful thing.

Why can't it last all year?

This coming year, I am going to really try to bring Christmas to every day.

 

Holiday Helps

Remember, you don't have to feel any sort of way during the holidays or any other time.

You feel how you feel and recognize those feelings, invite them to the table, and show yourself grace.

Do what is important to you.

Not what everyone feels you should be doing.

Each year might look different.

That's okay.

You are not required to do anything or be anyone.

Just be true to yourself and remember your triggers and your tools!

 

Holiday Trigger Helps

 

Holidays

 

Cannot Change

As an addict to validation, I always looked for people who needed to be changed.

I was going to love them enough, take care of them enough, give them what they wanted and all of those things would make them happy, and therefore they would treat me nicely.

Oh, Sweet Heidi.

That is not how it works, Dear Heart.

It took me 40 years to learn that.

Better late than never!

We cannot change people.

And, it's not our job.

It's not our burden to carry.

And, likewise, it is not up to anyone else to change us.

The things that we need to change or work on are on us, not on anyone else.

I am going to try to tell this very vaguely, as it pertains to people we love.

I am currently witnessing something called abuse.

That is a bold word.

This is a word that has been used to illustrate and define things done to me and my children, so I know the meaning and the fallout of that word.

As I standby, offering love and care to the abused, I find myself reminding her that this isn't on her.

This is on him.

His issues are HIS issues.

Until HE chooses to get the help that he so desperately needs, he is not going to change, and it is not her job to change him.

It IS her job to see her own value and worth and to see that she is enough.

As abuse occurs, there is a desensitization process that takes place.

The abused truly begins to see themselves as nothing.

As unworthy of love and living.

So, as I listen to her, I remind her that I love her and that if she needs to lean on that love until she can walk on her own, it is here to hold her up.

As we realize that we cannot change others, we must also have boundaries accompany that.

Boundaries are important for the abused and the abuser.

There are numerous resources for those who are one or the other.

Don't live miserably because you don't see a way out.

There is always a way out.

Always.

 

Affirmatiions

Yesterday, I didn't have too long to walk on the treadmill.

I've been in quite a bit of pain, so I was wanting to sit in the massage chair for a minute before hurrying back from my lunch break.

I wasn't really wanting to watch any tv while I walked.

Nor was I wanting to listen to a podcast and Christmas music just wasn't going to do it for me.

So, I turned on an affirmation guided mindful meditation.

And, out loud, while walking, I repeated them each out loud for everyone to hear!

I am enough.

I love my body and my mind.

I believe in me.

I am worthy of love.

I am strong.

I am brave.

They went on and on.

Affirmations are something that are super important.

In 12-step groups, as well as in inpatient facilities, addicts are taught affirmations and are told to repeat them OUT LOUD twice a day.

This isn't just to give people something to do for five minutes.

Repeating affirmations out loud is actually pretty awkward.

There is purpose behind it.

We are divine, noble creatures.

Every one of us.

When we really believe in who we are, truly, our ability to move forward making good decisions is SO much higher.

We are enough just as we are.

We don't actually need alcohol or pornography or validation or gambling or shopping or drugs or any of that!

We are just fine the way we are.

Below are some examples of affirmations that you can print off and put on your mirror or beside your bed.

Repeating these out loud twice a day, every day is essential.

And, yes - have your children do the same!

 

Lists

In the midst of frustration last night, I wrote myself a list.

Front and back list.

I wrote out what I was thinking.

THEN, I wrote out what I was going to do about it.

A lot of the things I am going to do require active praying, listening, and doing.

There is active talking out loud on this list, which I can do for days!

There is what I will do and what I will not do.

I don't like to be told what to do.

So, I'm telling my darn self.

This is how it's going to be!

In other news, Kaydon was doing his Zoom Seminary class yesterday.

I asked him to turn it up and stay upstairs so that I could listen, too.

They spoke about praying, how to receive answers to prayers and all that good stuff.

One thing that the teacher said was something I really needed to hear.

He brought up the point about when we are like, "Is that the Spirit, or my own voice in my own head?"

This is my every minute of every dang day, People.

He said that he loved Elder Bednar's answer to this.

Elder Bednar basically said, "Who cares?!"

If it's good, it can't be not the Spirit.

And, if you are always thinking of good things to help people, that makes you a good person...

Just do it.

Listening to high school kiddos talk about sacred things is always inspiring.

 

Balloon Release

I have been struggling as of late...

Probably for a week, or so.

I know that it's really out of hand when I just can't go anymore.

At that point, serious intervention is necessary.

Yesterday, I went to the gym.

It was a "I have to go to the gym today so that I can carry on with life" kind of day.

I tanned for 10 minutes.

This is necessary for my body.

My body HAS to have direct Vitamin D.

In the Winter months, tanning is the only way for me to get that direct UV light.

Then, I got on the treadmill.

Barefoot.

I walked completely inclined, but at a slow pace.

I turned Christmas music on in my headphones and I closed my eyes as I walked.

It was time to do some releasing.

So, I did.

I pictured in my mind every single thing that I can feel weighing on me right now.

Every one of those things is in a separate balloon, tied to my wrist.

It is heavy.

It is dragging me down.

I don't NEED to carry these things anymore.

I can release them.

So, I did.

One by one, I pictured each balloon and its contents.

I determined if I needed to hold on to it, if I could release it, or if I needed to tie it to an imaginary chair next to me.

Most, I was able to cut from my wrist.

I would watch in my imagination as each would float into the sky and far away from me, releasing weight from my body and my mind.

Some, I decided would need to be re-visited during "worry" time.

Those, I tied to the chair next to me. 

By the end of this physical and mental exercise, I had no balloons left on my wrist.

I felt much lighter emotionally and ready to go back home and conquer the rest of what the day would bring me.

*Note: this is the exercise I do most often. It is something that I am able to visualize very well. This exercise works so well for me. It is very mindful, and is a form of meditation that I am able to do by myself, without the need to be guided through it.

If there is an exercise that works for you - do it!

 

Going Deeper Into Validation

I absolutely love this sentence.

Validation does not mean that you say to someone, "I agree with everything you said and I'm just so glad that you are right about everything."

Nope.

In fact, validation actually means that you may very well NOT agree with them - BUT, you recognize their feelings.

And, recognizing and respecting IS validating.

Over the past year and a half, I have really tried to focus on a certain aspect in my own mind:

If someone says I hurt them, I don't get to say I didn't.

Period.

If someone says I scared them, I don't get to say I didn't.

If someone says I confused them, I don't get to say I didn't.

Instead, I GET to say, "I am so sorry that I made you feel that way."

NOT, "I am so sorry that you feel that way."

After, and only after, validating their feelings I can then say, "Can we revisit that? I miscommunicated."

NOT, "There must have been miscommunication."

Because that makes the person who has the feelings feel like you are putting it back on them.

Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all felt validated?
Like, I have feelings and they are being heard.

Because here's the thing - if someone is being vulnerable enough to say to you that you have hurt them, that is worthy of validation. THEY are worthy of validation.

Mike and I had a silly conversation on Saturday that I am going to use as an example here.

Mike: "Did you not sleep well, Babe. You don't seem like you're in a great mood."

Me: "Oh, thanks a lot."

Mike: "What can I do to help fix this issue?"
Me: "ISSUE?!"

Mike: "Okay, let's start over."

I could have, and should have, validated his feelings that I was not in a good mood... in fact that I was probably being less than kind to him and he was only trying to help.

Instead, I invalidated his feelings and made him feel like he was being a jerk for even asking what he could do for me.

This week, my main personal goal is to validate the feelings of others the same way that I desperately need others to validate my feelings!

 

Truths

I am stealing this list from my dear friend, Becky S.

This is quite a list and as I read through it, I discover ways that I need to improve.

I told her I would be printing it off and putting it next to my bed, choosing to work on one per week.

As addicts, we sometimes (okay, a lot of times) forget what is real and what is not real.

I love the title of this list:
"... Hard to hear... AND life changing."

 

Unexpected Experiences

As I go through the anniversary of mine, I can't help but think back to the experience that transpired three years ago and recognize God's hand in everything.

Even the hard things.

No, especially the hard things.

I think back over so many experiences where God was really trying to protect me and my children.

Yes, even with a stroke.

He was forcing us down roads that we never, ever would have gone down had we not had certain experiences that pushed us down those paths.

Where people were waiting to teach us, train us and direct us.

Where help would surely come once I humbled myself and learned what I was meant to learn all along.

Where life would be so hard and so intense that I would have no choice BUT to lean on my Father in Heaven because that would be the only place I would be able to find peace and solace and guidance.

It is these really hard trials, the kind that literally bring you to your knees because you have no where else to go, that bring us the greatest of all lessons and the holiest of experiences.

It is these times in our lives where we simply cannot take another step that bring us the sacred moments that we cannot deny.

For this experience three years ago, I am most grateful.

 

Relief in Diagnosis

I remember distinctly the moment that I heard my brother, Brandon, say to a clergyman, "I think my sister is an addict."

I was not angry.

I was not hurt.

I was not sad.

I was so relieved.

Like, "YESSS!!!!! That's it. I'm an addict!!!!!!!"

I remember that same clergyman saying, "Heidi, it's time to get help. That may mean in-patient help."

I was SO ready.

Sometimes, there is such relief in having a diagnosis.

A reason.

Learning more about my addiction has been equally relief-giving.

Really studying it, discovering what it's about and from where it comes...

Then, doing the work every single day.

There is power in that.

Do you see?

There is power in putting in the work every single day to live within recovery from addiction.

There is real light in the darkness of addiction that comes out when the work is put in and progress is made.

The light that shines through recovery is a light that I wish everyone could witness for themselves.

There is also relief in diagnosis for family members, or at least I believe there can be.

There is a family member of ours who has an addiction.

It is obvious and damaging, yet undiagnosed because this family member sees no problem.

However, as family members who can now see it and embrace it - healing can take place for them after years (decades) of damage that has been done.

There is an opportunity to put a name to the madness, to the neglect, to the pain.

And that provides some comfort to those family members who always thought it was them, that they were just unlovable or unworthy of care.

Addiction is not an excuse.

It is a diagnosis.

It is a real thing.

But, with diagnosis and then hardcore, day in and day out treatment and effort, lives will be changed.

 

Heart Attacks

I felt clearly impressed to heart attack my boys' doors yesterday.

In the midst of working and everything else, I broke out some time to really think about what I love about the five boys who still live at home.

Then, I posted them on their doors.

The little boys will see theirs tomorrow.

The big boys came home to theirs.

One of the "challenges" for this week was to do something nice for someone else, give out compliments and return favors that have been done for us.

As I thought of all the people I would want to thank, or do something nice for, or compliment, the thought of my family came very clearly to my mind.

And, here we are.

I never, ever, ever want my children to question how I feel about them.

I never want them to question that I am proud of them.

I never want them to question that I love them to the moon and back so many times I can't count that high.

Watching them as they read the colored hearts on their doors warmed my heart.

 

"Discomfort"

 In my neuropsych appointment on Friday, Erica and I discussed where I am at currently, compared to last year.

It's a world of difference.

Not by chance, or by some miracle.

But by work (hard, hard work) and by diligence and by grace from Heavenly Father.

He knew that I needed Erica AND Katryna.

Erica is much more scientific - trying to save my life.

Katryna is more spiritual/tough love - trying to save my salvation.

Erica and I laughed as she reminded me that a year ago, I was talking about how "uncomfortable" I would be in a relationship with Mike.

At the time, she said, "Heidi, discomfort just means different. And, Heaven knows you NEED different."

I explained that discomfort always meant "bad" to me.

Like, run!

Faster!

Go to someone who needs saving, Heidi.

Go to someone who will never love you or even like you - that's safer, Heidi.

You deserve hurt and pain, Heidi.

She helped me to look at those things for what they really are.

And, they were bad.

Discomfort was just different, and different was good.

And now, here we are.

Life is peaceful and safe and loving.

Not perfect. 

That's not a thing.

But so stable and good.

I read this wonderful quote over the weekend by Hank Smith:

"When you feel the Spirit pulling you in a difficult direction, know that anything the Savior is taking you towards is greater than anything He is asking you to leave behind."

If that isn't the truth!

Keep Going. Keep Trying.

 I have blogged about this talk and this video numerous times. 

Elder Holland gave this talk a few years ago. I have watched it so many times that I lost count. It is a video that told me over and over again to keep going. When I could not see the light of day, or even care if it was there, I would watch this video and go look for the light.

Yesterday, as part of #lighttheworld, it was suggested that we post a picture or video talking about something that inspired us. 

I would mention this quote often in my first few weeks of 12-step group.

I would talk about how this quote literally forced me to keep going, keep trying, keep walking...

I love this man.

I have always felt a tangible spirit from me.

I am so thankful for words and hymns and videos that speak to us directly.

Stigma

This morning while I was at the gym (EARLY), I noticed a girl in front of me who was running.

Well, I noticed her shirt... not so much her.

Her shirt was advertising addiction recovery.

I thought out loud, "How brave!"

Then, I thought to myself more while I finished walking behind her.

I say that I am an addict out loud because I am.

I say that I am an addict out loud because it's not something to be ashamed of.

It is what it is.

And, I am working every single day to recover and to be the best version of me possible.

My world has been opened up to people who, like me, have struggled with addiction which has taken away their agency.

I have met strong, brave, courageous, faithful people over the last year who are working SO HARD every single day to be healthy - physically and mentally and spiritually.

Last night, Mike and I were talking about a very powerful message that I learned from Katryna and from 12-step...

You want the problem to be you!

Why?
Because you can work to fix you.

This came up as we talked about the importance of hearing the message being given, whether it is on tv or on a TedTalk or at a presentation.

So often, as we are listening, we are thinking:
"So and so needs to hear this."
"Oh, so and so is that!"

"Man, could so and so use this in their lives!"

Rather than humbling ourselves and listening to the messages that we ought to be learning from.

The addiction to co-dependency is a great example.

I have met MANY addicts to co-dependency in my 12 step groups.

For example, their adult son is addicted to pills.

Well, they have become addicted to his addiction so what they do is make sure he has a roof over his head, make sure he has money whenever he asks for it, make sure that they cover for him by telling people how great he is in every other way.

In the process, they have become addicts themselves.

They have now had their agency taken away by addiction.

So, they have to work on themselves, and allow their addicted son to do the same...

Addicts are brave.

They are tired.

So many of them are TRYING.

So, when you see someone with an addiction recovery shirt on - smile.

For me.

 

Kindness in December

We posted a November Thankful chart on our fridge.

This one is replacing that one.

I love these.

It's such an easy reminder of how simple kindness is and yet what a difference it makes in the lives of all humans.

Today, I'm going to contact my grandparents to see how they are.

 

All Humans Need to Hear This

I saw this on Facebook this weekend.

ALL people need to hear these things, but in particular children (no matter what age) need to hear these things from their parents - in particular their mothers.

It's true.

The impact that mothers have on their children is infinite.

There is actually no replacement for a mother.

That has been researched and found to be factual.

We ALL need to hear these things.

And, it's never too late to start.