Morning Devotionals

As a recovering addict, the most important thing that I am doing every minute of each day is feeling my emotions.

Naming them.

Talking through them.

Feeling them.

Then letting them go.

This is imperative.

My entire life, these same feelings and emotions have been shoved into an imaginary closet.

That will no longer work.

Shoving emotions in a closet, then searching high and low for humans to validate my feelings...

That didn't work out so well for me!

So, now I FEEL.

I started having morning devotionals.

When I wake up, I make my bed and open my drapes.

Then, I kneel on the rug that sits in the middle of my bedroom floor and I pray.

I open my scriptures to whatever they open to and I read out loud.

One chapter.

Then, I stretch my body.

I do yoga poses that feel right on that particular morning.

I finish by doing affirmations out loud.

These aren't set affirmations.

I seem to change then daily.

But, they are what I feel are important for that day.

I have found so much strength in this new morning routine.

I feel that I am literally having time with my God, purposely.

I am starting my entire day with my God.

I am living my whole truth and it feels amazing.

Years and years and years ago, I read a Bible scripture that tells us that God gives us peace like the world cannot.

IT'S TRUE.

There is not a human being that I could run to that could ever give me the peace that God gives me.

Ever.

 

I Envy Hard Times

Have you ever come out of a really, really, really hard time and found yourself way off the path that you were on during that hard time?

We come out of a really hard trial and we stop doing what we were doing in order to emotionally survive during the trial.

We stop ready scriptures.

We stop praying with a broken heart and contrite spirit.

We stop meditating. 

We stop exercising for us.

We stop journaling.

We stop listening to music that speaks to our soul.

We stop serving in every way possible.

We stop having a heart that is bursting with gratitude.

We stop pleading with God to get one foot in front of the other...

Madness brings us to humility.

Madness brings us to gratitude.

Madness brings us to God in the most pure way possible.

We hear Him.

We see Him in every second of our lives.

We feel powerful in boundaries we set for ourselves.

We feel REAL peace; not the kind the world could ever give us.

We are right where we need to be.

Strength is fully relying on the Lord.

 

Loss

Dear Friends,

The reality of loss is real.

There is no map for loss.

There is no schedule or agenda for loss.

It just is.

We try to figure out how to navigate the dark, windy path.

We look for signs and landmarks that look familiar to help us to get to where we need to go.

I have been in contact with my Katryna over the past week.

I am forcing myself to acknowledge the feelings and the thoughts.

I am forcing myself to acknowledge ME.

As an addict of validation, I hear the words in this very loud and clear...

The needing for someone to validate my feelings.

However, I am validating my own feelings now.

Heidi, you are scared and that's OK.

Heidi, you are so sad and that's OK.

What should we do with this?

Chelsi says I should turn on music and dance.

So, I do.

I danced to Footloose in my kitchen last night while Gus watched...

Heidi, you are SO angry, and that's going to be OK even though it doesn't feel OK.

Heidi, you are really pissed off, and that's OK. But, what do I do?

I go to the gym.

I say the F word out loud a LOT in about 30 minutes.

I yell in my car.

LOUD.

And, it's okay.

 

It's Not Pretty

My Chelsie posted this today.

I read it.

Then read it again.

And a third time.

Healing is NOT peaceful.

It is not pretty.

It's hard fucking work.

The part of this that says:

Healing is throwing yourself into the deep end of your traumas and learning to swim. It's unraveling generations of damaging thought patterns and holding compassion for the people who passed them down.... it's taking a long hard look at all the ways you need to grow... healing is not for the faint of heart; this is why so many people stay broken...

This speaks to me.

 

LA Dodgers Fan

I saw this yesterday.

I don't know when this took place, but I first saw it yesterday.

I made a social media post about it.

Make no mistake about it: The LA Dodgers are CHOOSING Andrew Toles over choosing a roster spot being filled. 

Make no mistake about it: The LA Dodgers may have an issue with a decreased roster as the season goes on and injuries and fatigue begin to take place.

Make no mistake about it: I am now an LA Dodgers fan.

This is everything.

Do you know how many employers separate themselves from employees who are terminated, or who quit, or who need long leaves of absence for mental health issues?

I don't either, but I can only imagine it is thousands!!

Those employees (human beings) then go without insurance.

They cannot afford appointments or medication or treatment facilities.

So, they are left to their own demise.

And, then we have complete and utter heartache.

We lose these people, who just needed help.

LA Dodgers,

Thank you for your example.

Thank you for caring about a human being, Andrew Toles.

Thank you for caring about his health, and that of his family.

Thank you for sacrificing for him.

Thank you for saying his name.

Thank you for showing compassion and humanity.

Sincerely,

Your newest fan.

 

Thoughts

Yesterday, I posted on Facebook and Instagram, asking people to post the most inspirational quote on their phone.

Oh, the gems I received!

I loved every single one.

Mostly, I loved that each quote gave me some insight into where people are at in their lives and what is important to them right now - what they are focusing on.

We are all in different places, different phases.

We are all searching for positive, for growth, for insight.

Enjoy.

 

Sauna Time

I am a lover of the sauna.

I try to go in for at least 15 minutes about three times a week.

It's quiet, even when other people are in there.

It's very warm.

I sweat out toxins.

I feel my heart beating harder and I hear my breaths well with my ear phones in, without anything "on."

I am able to ground myself in there. 

I roll my head around.

I stretch my back.

Sometimes I lay down on the warm wood.

Sometimes I sit criss cross applesauce.

Sometimes I plant my feet firmly on the ground.

I go through my body parts, thanking each one of them for their role.

Sometimes, I go through my chakras.

Sometimes, I hum hymns.

Sometimes, I pray.

Sometimes, I just am.

 

Listen

I have a deep belief in "intuition."

I just didn't trust it for 41 years.

But, I have always known there was a voice there trying very hard to help me.

I just didn't know if it was a "still small voice" or my "stupid" mind.

Now, I know that if that voice is telling you something good, or to do something good - it doesn't matter where it's coming from - do it!

I am currently, because of my business, working on forming some kind of relationship with the "friends" I have on FB and Instagram.

So, as I am going through my friends list, I try to do so in a quiet environment in order to really focus on my intuition.

Then, I follow whatever prompts come.

The aftermath of that (DAILY) is a response from people who I am private messaging to thank me for thinking of them... telling me that they needed that right in that moment.

That is not a coincidence.

Yet, it continues to amaze me.

Heavenly Father is aware of every single soul on this planet.

He trusts US to help His children.

We can know what we are to do by listening to our intuition.

 

12-Step Program

After my live, I have had several questions about the 12 steps.

As I said on the live, no matter what program you attend, all 12 step programs have the same basic ideas.

I attended ARP (Addiction Recovery Program).

This is run by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

However, it is not a requirement to be religious to attend.

It follows the same protocol as an AA or an NA program.

The 12 steps are:

Step 1

Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable. (This step was easy-peasy for me)

Step 2

Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.(Again, easy for me)

Step 3

Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. (Okay! I mean, I clearly need some serious help here!)

Step 4

Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself. (This is where I broke. This is intense. You make a personal autobiography of every single thing you remember from the earliest age that you remember. This is where I discovered abuse and neglect in my childhood. That was verified by family members. This was where I didn't want to continue recovery. I wanted to quit everything. Obviously, I didn't. But, for me, this was the very hardest step)

Step 5

Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs. (This is a repentance step. If you aren't ready to do this, then work with it. Don't ignore it or skip this step. Feel all the feels and work with it, not against it)

Step 6

Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses. (For me, this step is about being willing to have help. It's that simple.)

Step 7

Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings. (You can definitely combine steps 5-7. It's all the same idea.)

Step 8

Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them. (This was very important to me. I had already started doing this long before I got to this step. However, this is considered one of the hardest steps there is. Many people quit here. Don't quit. Just be genuine. People may or may not accept the apology. That's on them. Not you.)

Step 9

Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed. (This is completely aligned with step 8. This is just saying that accountability is greater when you do it in person)

Step 10

Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong promptly admit it. (This is where it is extremely to have a strong sponsor/kitchen cabinet person. You need to have someone in your life who loves you enough to be honest with you and tell you when you're going off the path)

Step 11

Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out. (Meditation is imperative. Learn how you best pray. You really just need to talk to God, or the Universe. Learn how to hear. Learn how to feel.)

Step 12

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do. (Share. You are not the only addict, People. Share. And share some more.)

 

The Aftermath

I never know what to expect after I go LIVE about my addiction.

I always preface the lives with a "Don't be a jerk."

But, I never know what might come after...

After the live that I did on Monday, I have received several messages from people who have expressed "relief" that they are not alone in the way they think and act.

When people are brave enough to tell me their story, I feel such a sense of honor... 

That people feel safe telling me about their feelings, their fears, their possible addictions.

I am immensely grateful that I am in the recovery of addiction...

Not at the beginning.

I know how hard and intense their journey will be...

I also know the other side - being able to see the brilliant sun through the clouds.

Last night, I found myself wanting to scream from the rooftops that counseling is  SO important.

It is so valuable.

I am not sure why humans try to take care of everything themselves "BEFORE" seeking help.

WHY?!

GO SEEK HELP.

You are not expected to do this alone.

There are people who can help you help yourself.

Doing this by ourselves is not how this is supposed to be.

So, if you are reading this today feeling like there are things going on within your body and your mind that are causing any stress or strife at all (PS, that's everyone)...

Seek help.

Please.

 

Addict

I did a FB Live last night on Addiction.

People ask me all the time if I am afraid to talk to the world about my addiction.

They ask me if I worry about what people think of me (which makes sense, given my addiction).

The answer, though, is "no."

It isn't even an answer I have to think about.

I always preface what I say about my addiction by giving a warning to anyone who might want to make degrading or hurtful comments, or ask questions that are only typed to hurt feelings.

I won't allow it.

Ever.

My spaces are safe spaces for all people - addicts, recovering addicts, and non-addicts.

I always define my addiction.

It is a process addiction.

It is a validation addiction.

And, yes. It IS serious and almost destroyed my life, and that of my babies.

I discuss my recovery.

And, yes. I WILL be a recovering addict for all of time.

Then, I discuss my thoughts in relation to what I am talking about.

Hiding the fact that I am an addict doesn't do ANYONE any good.

Not me, and not those who feel they may have an addiction.

It does not define me, but it is part of me... a part that has been a part of my story, my journey for 35 years.

I am proud of my recovery.

I am proud of the strides I have made, and that I make every day.

I am grateful for Heaven's help through it all...

The protection Angels have provided to my children and I throughout my horrific choices.

I am grateful for people, who years ago and long before they knew me, decided to go to school for an extended amount of time so that they could treat me exactly the way I needed to be treated... with the exact words and therapy options I needed.

I am grateful for the people that God hand-placed in my life every step of my journey....

For the ones who protected us; the ones who hurt us; the ones who carried us; the ones who needed us; the ones that we needed.

And, the ones who have been placed on our journey who have needed genuine empathy and compassion that my children and I have been able to freely give.

I am immensely grateful for my diagnosis of "addict."

Without it, I would not have been put in recovery.

I am immensely grateful for those who have walked this exhausting, roller-coaster, HARD path with me.

It is not easy for those who have promised to do so.

I see you. I love you.

 

Who Is She

I saw this picture...

Of this sculpture...

And I stared at her for minutes.

She is me.

She is you.

 
I see her and she is comfortable in her skin.

She is comfortable in her role on this Planet Earth.

She is at peace with who she is.

She knows herself.

She is not using distractions to stay away from herself.

She is not hiding from herself.

She has not clothed herself in things that are not her for the world to have a perception different from who she really is.

She is raw.

Vulnerable.

Purely her.

I listened to a podcast Sunday while walking and stretching and breathing and practicing mindfulness.

The words that were spoken grabbed my attention and didn't let go.

We don't need to "be present."
We already ARE PRESENT.

All of us.

We are living in the present.

We should, most definitely remain aware of that presence.

It's free to be present.

Being present relieves aspects of depression and anxiety.

Being mindful of that presence can allow us to have moments when there is just nothing...

Like at the top or bottom of our breath... when there is nothing.

"I don't want to run from myself anymore. I want to get to know myself."

This quote stopped me in my tracks... literally. 

I stepped off the treadmill and typed it into my phone.

Who am I... without the armor I put on to go into the world, or even to face myself.

Who am I... all of me.

Am I comfortable just sitting with myself and my thoughts and my feelings.

Yes.

The answer is Yes.

 

How Do You Do That?

I have had people who are addicts ask me how it works that I run my own business on social media and with people and don't allow my addiction to take over and sabotage my business and my life.

It's NOT easy.

But, it's doable.

With the right tools, you can move mountains!

These are a few things that I have done with myself to help:

* When I wake up in the morning, I do self affirmations and I envision my day ahead

* I go for "no's." This is HUGE. I have had to REALLY work on finding "no" to be a positive. Does it still hurt my feelings when people say "no" or when people ignore me or leave Messenger parties? YES!

But, it's isn't destroying me. 

And, I'm not going to find "yes's."

* I keep working. Hard. Every single day. I don't give up on things because of the lack of validation. I validate myself. I remind myself of my dreams and my goals and I keep going!

* I listen to podcasts that talk about this. I take notes and I work on ME.

 

Hardest Times

When you love someone who is going through the hardest of things, telling them that it'll be okay is actually not helpful.

Telling them that they can "choose how they act or react" is bull shit.

Telling them that whatever you've been through is harder than what they are experiencing is selfish and disgusting.

Telling them that they need to "get over it" is simply ridiculous.

Telling them that this is just part of life and they just need to get used to it... don't.

Just don't.

When saying those things up there...

You are telling them that their feelings and emotions are not valid.

You are telling them that they can choose to feel different.

Why would we want them to??

We want them... no we NEED them... to feel everything they are feeling.

Telling them otherwise is the worst possible idea.

And, FYI.

Addicts don't actually have the ability to "choose different" just like that...

Addiction takes over agency.

Looking back at my addiction...

Yup, I can surely count DOZENS of choices that I made that were terrifying.

They were unsafe.

They were selfish.

They were terrible.

Yup, I see how my family could judge me and think I was terrible at everything in life.

I mean, it sure seems accurate when I think back to the stupid things I was doing.

But, FYI.

I couldn't choose different if I tried.

I didn't KNOW different.

I was trying to please everyone, including my family.

News Flash:

My addiction is to validation.

I was trying so dang hard to find a perfect husband and father for my children.

Does that sound cooky?

Now, absolutely.

Then... I was desperately trying to make them proud of me.

Now... I am proud of my darn self.

I am able to validate my darn self.

BUT, it has taken WORK.

And, it wasn't until I was able to see it and recognize that, "Ohhhhhhh. We've got an issue here. I'm exhausted. My kids are exhausted. I'm sick. I am all-in on getting help."

And the work is real.

It is not for the feint of heart.

It is entailed and deep and scary and frightening and terrible in every way.

Then,

Then...

You see the sunshine.

And you see it shining more days than you don't.

And,

Your kids tell you they are proud of you...

And, You recognize that you're proud of You, too.

 

Until You Know Better

I am in love with this Maya Angelou quote.

Isn't this true?

We are expected to do our best until we know better.

Once we know better, we need to do better.

This is so true for every aspect of our lives.

It certainly is true for my addiction, and the situations that led up to the addiction.

Once I knew better, I was able to do better.

The same is also true for my business.

We have SO much FREE training and personal and professional development.

Last night, our Monday night Zoom was incredible.

I laid in bed last night, quietly talking to Heavenly Father...

Father,

I feel grateful.

I feel overwhelmed.

I feel motivated.

I feel like You are answering my prayers by continuing to show me how to do better.

I feel encouraged.

I feel so thankful.

We are given the tools and the resources as we are ready for them.

Once we have them, we can do better.

And, we SHOULD do better.