37 Rules!

As shared on my Heidicction Live last night:

37 Rules to Live By:

1. Make your bed every day, even if it's right before you get in it.

2. You don't have to wear underwear... if you're in an accident they'll just cut your clothes off anyway

3. Travel light through life; only keep what you need

4. It's okay to cry when you're hurt. It's also okay to smash things; but wash your face, clean your mess and get up off the floor when you're done. YOU DON'T BELONG THERE.

5. If you're going to curse, be clever. If you're going to curse in public, know your audience.

6. See out the people and places that resonate with your soul.

7. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

8. 5-second rule. It's just dirt. There are worse things in fast food cheeseburgers.

9. You are a woman. You don't NEED a man.

10. Happiness is NOT a permanent state (nor should it be). Wholeness is. Don't confuse these.

11. If you're staying more than one night, unpack your bag.

12. Never walk through an alley.

13. Be less sugar, more spice, and only as nice as you're able to be without compromising yourself.

14. Can't is a cop-out.

15. Hold your heroes to a high standard. Then be your own hero.

16. If you can't smile with your eyes, don't smile. Insincerity is nothing to aspire to.

17. Never lie to yourself.

18. Your body - your rules.

19. If you have an opinion, you better know why.

20. Practice your passions.

21. Ask for what you want. The worse thing they can say is no.

22. Wish on stars and dandelions, then get to work to make them happen.

23. Stay as sweet as you are.

24. Fall in love often, particularly with ideas, art, music, literature, food and far-off places.

25. Fall hard and forever in love with nothing but your dang self.

26. Say please, thank you, and pardon me whenever the situation warrants it!

27. Reserve "I'm sorry" for when you truly are.

28. Naps are for grown ups too.

29. Question everything - except your own intuition.

30. You have enough. You are enough.

31. You are amazing! Do not ever let anyone ever make you feel you are not. If someone does - walk away. You deserve better.

32. No matter where you are, you can always come home.

33. Be happy and remember your roots. Family is everything.

34. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

35. No one will ever love you more than God does.

36. Be kind. Treat others how you would like to be treated.

37. If in doubt, remember whose daughter you are and straighten that crown and own it like the boss you are!!

Be Gentle

My Sweet Miss Birdie has seen me at my darkest points.

Remember - she is the one who used these exact words back in 2010:

"I have friends in the Sandy Police Department and I have no problem calling them to come and get you."

Those words quite literally saved my life at during an incredibly dark time.

I remember that same night, the ER doctor saying to me:

"We've never been in the business of letting people kill themselves and we are not starting tonight. Just remember that there is one logical person in this two person conversation and it's not you."

Well, damn!

Miss Birdie has been sending me text messages every day for the last week.

They remind me that she gets me.

She loves me because I am broken.

She loves me because I am hurting.

She loves me because I am weak.

She also reminds me, in no uncertain terms, that I am a daughter of God.

That I have purpose.

That I can have bad days, but that I am then required to get back up and try again.

Miss Birdie has been broken.

And hurt.

And shattered.

And alone.

And lost.

And just at the very lowest of low points.

If you've never read, "Not Another Sarah," please do.

She wrote it.

It is an autobiography of her life.

It is hard to read.

It is harder not to love this woman who has been my rock for many, many years.

She reminds me that BECAUSE we have been broken and torn down and brought to our knees in despair and sadness and anger and fear, we have the ability (far more than those who have not been broken to pieces) to be gentle with other living things.

To show compassion and empathy.

To remind others who are going through their own refiners' fires that there is an other side to it.

To remind ourselves constantly that these times allow us and really invite us to go to God and to depend on Him to make it through these times that we can in NO way survive on our own.

This is one reason (out of many) that I love the 12-step program and associated groups.

It is a circle full of broken people.

Those who have seen Rock Bottom... and let me tell you about Rock Bottom.

I capitalize it because it is an actual place.

Probably has an address that is something like 666 Hell.

Rock Bottom has no color - no blue sky, no yellow sun, no green grass, no flickering leaves on the street-lined trees... there ain't no trees, People.

There is no water. There is no air.

There is no soft surface to lay your head or place your scraped up knees.

And your senses - your senses are both gone and heightened all at the same time.

You can't hear those who are reaching out to help you, yet the screaming of those who are only going to drag you down further are blaring in your ears. 

You can't see a way out. You can't see anything, really. It's dark and almost tunnel-like.

But, you can see the devil's dangling goods in front of your face and you grab hold because it looks so rich and so good.

You can't taste anything of substance.

In fact, for people like me, Rock Bottom takes away any appetite at all.

Unless, of course, it is something that will take away any feeling of any kind.

Then, you can't get enough of it.

You want more and more and more, as not to feel.

But you still feel.

So, you run.

Fast.

To that part of Rock Bottom where your addiction sits in waiting.

It knows you'll come back, at least to visit.

It just waits patiently.

And most of us do go back, at least to visit because it is so familiar.

In group, we look around at each other and we see that in one another.

We see that part of us that was at Rock Bottom, 666 Hell.

When we look at each other, we see and feel the reflection of ourselves.

For, it hasn't been so long since we've been there - to Rock Bottom.

And some of us still have longings to go back.

Can you imagine longing for Rock Bottom?

Of course not.

It's called addiction.

And together, we stay away.

Far away.

Where there is color.

And water.

And grass.

And Aspen trees flickering.

And moons.

And stars.

And air.

To breathe.

And a new gentleness about us.

Replacing Addiction with Addiction

One of the most important things that addicts need to do immediately once we decide that we are all-in with recovery is to replace our habits with different habits.

Better habits.

Healthier habits.

We need to fill our time with something different than what we were filling it with.

The time in which we were looking at pornography or gaming or drinking or smoking or shopping - whatever it is that we are addicted to - now needs to be replaced with something else.

We are basically replacing one addiction with another.

And that seemed very counter-productive to me.

So, picture this...

I'm a runner.

(see previous posts. I don't actually sprint, People)

When I feel, I run.

To men. Not good men. Bad men. Men who don't give a rats ass about me. (let's be real here)

Rather than running to men, I have had to replace my time with something else.

Working out. (not doing much of that at the moment)

Yoga

Meditation

Baking

Coloring

Sitting in the dang sun because I love me some Vitamin D or K or whatever it is.

Baseball and football

Binge watching police shows with Colton (for real)

Volunteering at the hospital

In the midst of replacing my addiction with other activities, I am also learning to feel.

All the feels.

And what to do with it.

How to do with it what I need to do with it.

And then do it.

Got it?!

But the new activities help me to do that.

Working out helps me to get energy out, keep my body strong and keep my brain connected to my body. It is great for confidence. It is great for everything. And I can't wait to get back!

Yoga and meditation are SO good for my brain and my body. They force me to feel and to think, then to reconnect.

Baking is just good for my soul. It is immediate satisfaction as well. (unlike exercise) I bake it and it is amazing right away. It smells good. It tastes good.

Coloring - focusing my brain on something that is positive.

SO, yes.

Yes, we do replace addictions with addictions - just make sure they are the good kind of addictions. 

I feel like I should leave a footnote here that I'm still medicated so if this post made no sense, carry on.

Protection

Last Wednesday, I was at counseling with my favorite shrink.

She looked at me and told me to go to the doctor.

My face was not right, she said.

I told her it had been hurting, but that I was fine.

She reiterated that I was certainly not fine and that I needed to go see medical professionals.

Whatever.

I went.

To say that one of my character weakness is being stubborn would be like saying there is water in the freaking ocean.

Or that trees have roots.

Or that there is oxygen in air.

It's a fact, People.

And not looking like it's going to dissipate any time soon, so buckle up buttercup.

I went to InstaCare from the appointment.

They put my in a wheelchair right away and wheeled me down to the ER.

I hadn't realized that I had PTSD from the stroke until they made me sit in a wheelchair and wheeled me down the hall.

My brain and my body went into hyper-anxiety mode and I about lost my mind... internally.

Picture the Tazmanian Devil, only inside my head and body.

I wanted out of the wheelchair NOW.

IV on the first try.

Good work, ER Tech.

I may have kissed his hand.

MRI.

With ear plugs, foam padding, on top of foam padding, then the head lid.

Braxton by my side with his own PTSD the whole time.

Meds on board.

Appointment with my neuro team set.

Home we went.

Then comes the worst 3 am I have ever lived, I assure you.

To say that I was vomiting violently would be like saying that there is water in the ocean; oxygen in the air; and those Redwoods have roots.

Violently.

And it didn't stop.

For 48 hours it didn't stop.

I was drinking all I could, and it would just come back up in a shooting action.

I picture bows and arrows going in the same trajectory as my puke.

You're welcome.

The boys came home, found me collapsed over the toilet and Braxton loaded me in the car. 

Back to the ER we went.

Damnit.

This time - the IV didn't go in so smoothly.

Collapsed veins.

Infiltration.

Tears.

More vomiting ALL OVER.

Archery just might be my sport, People.

Then, my almost 18 year old warrior says, "If you cannot assure me that you will get this IV in on the first try then go get life flight or an anesthesiologist. This is not our first rodeo and I won't sit here and watch my mom be a pin cushion."

My sweet boys have learned to be my advocate when I cannot be.

They opened an IV bag of fluid wide open and dumped that stuff into my body full force.

Puke meds in.

Pain meds in for my darn face.

And me begging to go home.

So they let us.

To say that I was depleted would be the world's greatest understatement.

My body has been weak beyond words.

My mind fuzzy.

My mouth hurting.

My spirits a bit withered.

No solid food until yesterday when I ventured into grapes and mashed potatoes.

But, I feel something...

I feel that perhaps I have these trials to protect me.

What on God's Green Earth?!

Yes, I feel that perhaps I experience these moments of complete helplessness as a way for God to protect me from my temptations and my addiction and to remind me that without Him, I am nothing.

Perhaps He is reminding me that I am dependent on Him, or at least I ought to be.

Perhaps He is reminding me that I have everything I need right where I am - my four warriors (and, People, if only you knew what my boys do for me - especially when I am in moments like this - you would be awe-struck), my T, my brother, my ward, my Y sisters (and, they are like sisters - my Liss especially), my social media warriors. My goodness!

Heavenly Father is perhaps allowing me to have trials that almost seem like too much because they ARE too much for me alone, but they are doable with those who love me and surround me and uplift me and carry me - sometimes literally.

Perhaps it's protection.

Perhaps.

Was It Like This All Along??

I'm not really sure if this is a new thing, or if I am just a bit more clear in the noggin so I am noticing it...

But there are a lot of males who seem to want to go on a date with me...

Now, let's face it.

It is 2019.

The word "date" is used loosely.

Like a plumber's pair of Carhartt jeans loosely.

Ok?!

I have learned that "date" often means "come bang me and never call me again."

I have also learned that questions such as, "Are you married?" seem to have extreme importance.

These realizations have made the whole stay away from men goal a bit more easy to adhere to.

Now, some of this is a bit comical.

Like the guy at the gym who has literally asked me out SIX times now.

Six.

I have blatantly ignored him (which is VERY normal for me at the gym).

I have told him that even if he was the last male on earth, the answer would still be no.

I have told him that if he asks me again, I'm going to "accidentally" drop my 25 pound bar bell on his crotch.

Either Dude is desperate, or he is up for a challenge. 

Wrong girl, Dude.

Wrong girl.

Or the guy who is friends with people I know who friended me on FB.

These tend to be my very favorites!!!

He messages me to try to talk to me.

I simply ask, "Are you married?"

He says, "Well, separated."
Bye, Felicia.

Or the guy who played duck, duck goose with me on the freeway.

Here's the thing:

In the past 30 years, I would have been so flattered by all of this.

Flattered.

Can you imagine??

Flattered.

Now, I'm just amused... except when I'm completely disgusted.

Last night, when I got home from the gym, my Braxton was in his room.

He is emotionally devastated right now after the breakup with his girlfriend.

He was throwing up and just in rough shape after school.

I went in and sat on his bed where he laid.

I took him some Gatorade.

Then I tickled his arm until he fell asleep.

My auntie used to tickle my arm when I was little.

I remember that as being one of the only calming memories in my youth.

As I tickled his arm and watched him calm down, I was overcome with gratitude that I was not somewhere else.

I was not with a man.

I was not gone.

I was right there, comforting my almost 18 year old.

I was right where I should have always been.

With him.

With Braxton, who needed his mama.

I was there.

That is recovery.

You Will Lose

You will lose friends.

You will lose acquaintances.

You will lose family members.

You will lose "support."

You will lose things.

You will lose relationships.

You will lose.

Recovery is not all unicorns and glitter machines.

It isn't all sunshine and calm seas.

Addiction isn't like a broken finger nail.

And recovery isn't like putting a band aid on and forgetting it.

Addiction takes away who you really are and who you are meant to be.

Recovery's goal is to bring that person back and keep that person on the path to being the very best, most healthy version of themselves.

Sometimes, people liked the addict in you.

People liked what they were able to get from you or do with you or to you.

And, sometimes people are co-dependent on your addiction.

It gives them something to talk about amongst family or friends.

Talking about you makes them look better.

So, when you begin to get better - they aren't too hip on that idea.

You will lose.

You will lose the chains that have bound you.

You will lose the weight of the lies and secrets and hiding.

You will lose people who weren't good for you anyways.

You will lose anxiety.

You will gain your real tribe.

The people who loved you through all of the addiction.

The people who are supporting your recovery and treatment.

You will gain understanding, humility, gratitude, vulnerability, honesty, complete rawness.

You will gain clarity.

You will gain the ability to be a part of someone else's tribe in the best way possible.

A young man in my group recently said that he thinks his wife might leave him.

He was confused by this.

He is doing the "right" thing by getting treatment, yet his wife wants to leave...

There are still real-life consequences to our addictions and the fall-out of them.

I experience these almost daily.

But the gains are so much greater than the losses.

And so, I continue.

But, realize that you will lose.

Rocky Road

Gosh, I love ice cream.

The title of this post makes me think about ice cream.

And, I LOVE ice cream.

Rocky Road is one of my favorites.

Chocolate with nuts and marshmallows.

Yes, please!

Here's a thing about addiction:

It isn't quick.

As an addict, everything in my life for the last 30 years has been about finding that quick fix.

We've discussed this.

Quick fix = temporary fix = being stuck

I made that up right there.

On the fly.

I didn't want anything that was hard or that took time.

Take my heart surgery for instance.

I was back at work in three days.

Not smart.

Take my hysterectomy for instance.

I was supposed to be out of work for six weeks.

I went back after a week - and got a blood clot whilst at work.

Ohhhhh, this one is a good story!

My boss (male) took me to the doctor.

They got me all up in the stirrups and ready to investigate said blood clot.

He was holding my purse right next to me.

He asked me if I wanted him to stay or walk out.

My boss.

Everyone thought he was my very sweet, very supportive husband.

Yeaaahhhh, I don't really choose sweet, supportive husbands... so, no!

I asked him to leave.

Smart!

My stroke:

The day of my stroke.

Paralyzed.

Can't swallow. Can't talk. Can't move my entire left side. Can't go to the bathroom on my own.

I asked if I could go to work the next day.

I was in the ICU.

I'm all about quick fixes.

Addiction recovery is focused on healing.

In order to heal, we must go back lots of years to find out what we need to heal from.

Then we have to pull that shizz out.

Go through it.

All of it.

Put that shizz in piles of sorts.

Go through it again.

All of it.

This stuff takes time.

And, not fun time.

Not like going to Baskin Robbins for a double scoop of Rocky Road ice cream kind of time.

This is messy.

It's like living in shizz.

Every where.

Shizz every where!

It stinks. 

There is no way to go through this shizz fast.

It's slow.

Methodical.

Painful.

Scary.

Frustrating.

Exhausting.

Embarrassing.

(See how I'm naming feelings there!!)

But we do it anyways.

I learn that I don't NEED a quick fix.

What I NEED is to live in the shizz long enough to give it the time and energy it deserves and then to let it go.

And so I do.

But it still stinks sometimes.

A lot.

Rocky Road is much better than shizz.

What I May Have Missed

School is getting ready to start.

Tomorrow is the day.

My second is struggling with relationship issues.

My youngest is struggling with anxiety on top of Autism.

My third is always going, going, going - trying not to let anything effect him. Ever.

And guess what?
I'm here for all of it.

I'm right here.

In the present.

All up in their personal space like white on rice.

Aware of their feelings.

Aware of their needs.

Aware of their energy.

Mothering.

And it feels SO good.

I struggled SO much with the word "neglect."

I was offended to the MAX on that title.

I was "neglectful."
I was "absent."

I was not being a "good mother."

I wanted to line people up and throat punch each one.

Glove-less.

Forget the four inch gloves.

I wanted to go skin on skin.

They had no idea, I thought.

Once in recovery, I realized quickly that I was the one that had no idea.

I thought I knew what my kids were going through and what their needs were.

I had NO clue.

I thought I knew what their struggles were and what their triumphs were.

Again, no clue.

At all.

T just messaged me after I told her about B's struggles.

She asked one question:

"What if you were in (another state)?"

I have sat and thought on that.

What if I wasn't even here?

And, we are not just talking physically here (although, that's pretty dang important).

What if I wasn't here for them emotionally, mentally, spiritually?

Who would he go to?
Who would he talk to?

Not his mama!

The blessings that come from treatment and recovery are so extra-ordinary -- so all-encompassing that you can hardly contain them.

It's like the Lord has been standing at the door, just waiting and waiting and waiting for me to open it and then He just cannot wait to pour out the gifts that were always mine.

I was just too sick to see them.

Walking Out

I haven't quite known how to talk about this, but I know I need to.

I had group on Sunday, as I always do.

I get REALLY excited about group.

Like, giddy about group.

By the end of the week and to start the beginning of the next week, I find so much hope in my journey while sitting amongst addicts just like me.

There is something about being on this journey with others who get it that makes it much more comfortable for me... more hopeful... more encouraging.

I have the best support system EVER.

But to sit with those who really get it, who understand - there is something special about that.

I am always early.

I like to pick my seat in the circle.

I like to get my manual and my highlighter ready and get myself comfortable.

I also like to be there to say "hello" to everyone that comes in.

I feel like that is something I can do right now to make some kind of impact.

Step 12 is service (giving back).

As people began to come in, I recognized all but two of them as regulars.

A lot of people in the 12-step program go from group to group.

I could do that as well, but I like routine and a sense of normalcy.

I recognized one of the couples as a couple who has been there just a couple of times before.

In the past two sessions, she has expressed that she is there to support her husband through his addiction.

I find that to be very brave, very noble and very loving.

She has also always been a very good, very wise, very articulate contributor to the study portion of group.

I have enjoyed learning from her perspective as a loved one of an addict.

Sunday, however, was different.

Perhaps I wasn't in the right mindset.

Perhaps I didn't go in with the same humility.

Perhaps I didn't prepare as I should have for group.

Although, I don't think I did or didn't do anything different...

The study portion was good.

I usually contribute, but I didn't on Sunday. 

I took my turn reading, but didn't offer any further comment or insight.

I just listened.

Then came time for sharing.

I LOVE this part of group.

I love listening and learning and being encouraged by others' struggles and triumphs.

I love how, without saying a word, there is always a sense of each of us rooting for the others rise.

It's a spiritual time in our meetings that I NEED.

Sunday just felt different.

It didn't feel uplifting.

It felt weird.

One person talked about his cousin dying (including the graphic details) and how he felt about that and how he couldn't stop thinking about it and how this and that and the other. At the end of his time, he said, "But I'm doing great!"

Next was the wife I mentioned earlier.

She went about triple the time allotted, which is just fine.

Heaven knows I can talk, too!

She spoke about how she has health problems and pain and irritation and itchiness and discomfort and how the girl at work is having surgery so she has to wait until after the girl has surgery to have her surgery and she doesn't understand why that's the rule and...

You guys - 

I got up and I walked out and I left.

Literally.

I walked out.

I went right to my car and I talked to myself for a hot minute about how that was just not right for me and how I needed to go home.

Then I went home.

Like, I bailed.

Heidi OUT.

I didn't share.

I left.

As the days have come and gone since Sunday, I have thought about how un-Christlike that was!

I acted as if her issues were not worthy of my time or my ears.

I acted as if his graphic story was not for me.

I acted as if my time and my addiction recovery was more valuable than theirs!

I guarantee you I have had many discussions with T that she frankly didn't care about.

But she never walked out on me.

I guarantee that Heavenly Father has often times thought that whatever I am rambling about is not necessary or appropriate or important.

He has never walked out on me.

I guarantee that most of you really don't care about 99% of what I have to say, but you keep coming back.

On Sunday, I will be at group.

I will be there early.

And, as soon as these two people come in I will quietly apologize to them for my selfishness.

Because I am NOT better than them.

My recovery is not more important than theirs.

My time is not more valuable than theirs.

I am so grateful for second and third and one millionth chances.

I need every one of them.

Our worth is not in question.

And, it is not greater or less than anyone else's.

Tonight's Heidicction: Filling Holes & Stopping the Feelings

I love requests.

I love when people message me and say, "Hey! Can you talk about this on the blog or on Heidicction Live?"

I love that people are so courageous and willing to reach out and ask.

The particular message that I received says:
"I think my addiction stemmed from using it to try to "fix" my anxiety/depression. Sometimes I think we use whatever we're addicted to to make things feel better. It's a temporary fix... I'd love to hear your take on it."

I LOVE my Elizabeth Gilbert.
Do you love that I'm a little possessive?

This is what she says in "Eat, Love, Pray:"

In our real lives, we are constantly hopping around to adjust ourselves around discomfort -- physical, emotional and psychological -- in order to evade the reality of grief and nuisance. Grief and nuisances are inevitable in this life...

Facts.

No one likes to feel uncomfortable.

No one likes to feel anxious, depressed, lonely, angry, fearful, confused, sad, broken, frustrated, ignored, cheated, etc.

No one.

So, we eat. 

Or we drink.

Or we smoke.

Or we take pills (other than, or more than, what is prescribed to US).

Or we self harm.

Or we escape into pornography.

Or sex.

Or gaming.

Or shopping.

Or gambling.

I, personally, run to men.

And not good men.

Broken men for the most part.

Men who, very temporarily, take away the feelings.

And, I'm not talking sex.

I'm talking attention, validation - feeling a void.

I'm going to stop for a moment and say that this is why it is imperative - absolutely essential - that, when going through recovery and treatment, it is a two-part process: 

12-step addiction program 

Counseling/therapy/in-patient recovery

It is SO important to find out why we are running from feelings.

And, it is important to find out what healthy methods we ought to be using to deal with these emotions because there are lots!

We are not hopeless.

There are so many resources to help us!

I love when Elizabeth says, "Admit to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived."

I am also eager to tell you that doing the things listed above doesn't happen like this:

Well, I don't like feeling this way so I'm just going to become an addict.

No, Sherlock.

We start to do, or not do, something that is harmful.

It's gradual.

One day, we are really struggling.

P.S. this is normal.

We might eat more than what our bodies can handle, but we are eating to take away the emotions and feelings.

What this does is cause us to think about the food for that moment, rather than the emotions.

It works for a minute.

And, our brains remember that.

So, we go back to that quick fix again another time.

Or, I am having a lot of bad feelings (just now starting to identify them).

So, I go to a man.

I go over or I talk to him.

In those few minutes, I don't feel those bad feelings.

I feel excitement. I feel relief. I fill a void.

The crazy thing is this:

It is SO temporary.

Afterwards, we still have the bad feelings and now we feel worse because of what we've done.

It sucks the suck.

I had an eating disorder for a couple of years.

I didn't eat.

I weighed 103 pounds.

It was my way of having control over something, because my life was out of control.

I could control what I put in my mouth.

I got to the point where I would feel so sick when I would eat.

So, I just didn't.

Now I was tired, lethargic, weak, sick, in pain, needing heart surgery and I STILL had bad feelings.

Not awesome.

It's so important to realize that we have emotions and feelings and they are normal.

Everyone has them!

We also have control over our minds.

That can be very hard to comprehend.

I hate when people say that because I've never felt like I do.

It takes serious practice.

Controlling our minds is an action and it requires doing it over and over and over and over until the end of time.

Congratulations!

It's okay to seek medical help with anxiety and depression and ADHD and OCD and OOD and other mental health issues.

It isn't bad or embarrassing or value-lowering.

It is okay to seek counseling (PLEASE DO).

It is okay to stop and say, "I think I have an issue and I need help."

In fact, it's the best things we can possibly do.

Tomorrow on the blog - taking this to our kids!

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Recovery is a verb.

It's an active process.

It is in movement at all times, or it will cease to work.

As if you are peddling, peddling, peddling uphill and then you just stop peddling...

You will begin to roll backwards, back down the hill and then most likely tip over.

If you are anything like me, it won't be graceful.

And it only takes a minute.

Last week, I caught myself slipping...

Not peddling as hard as I needed to be in order to make it to the top of the hill.

I didn't crash-land helmetless.

I didn't slide all the way down the hill whilst trying to stop the handlebars from wobbling furiously back and forth.

But, I let up on the gas just a bit and for just a minute.

That's how addicts relapse.

I stopped whatever it was I was doing for just a moment and prayed out loud.

God, I see.

I see what I am doing and not doing.

First, I'm sorry.

Second, please give me the strength I need to stand up on this bike and get my momentum going again.

Many time, as addicts, we are given a LOT of assignments to do.

This is for several different reasons, I suppose.

I have homework weekly from my counselor.

I have separate homework from my group.

All of it is daily, hourly really.

I then record it and check in with my sponsors every day.

Last night in group, a couple was talking about how they feel like they are constantly doing the to-do's of recovery.

One of the reasons, I believe, we have so many to-do's in recovery is to keep us busy.

The busier we are doing good things, the less time we have for our addiction.

So, slipping on those to-do's can leave just enough time for us to relapse.

So, I stay busy.

With good things.

Not just to be busy... but to replace my empty time or addiction time with good things:

Gym

Sitting outside, reading and doing homework

Being with my kids and my nephews

Hiking

Coloring

Working

Serving

Baking

Cleaning

And in the midst of all of it, remembering that we are not alone.

That we are doing great... the best we can!

Clear Mind

When I stepped back from my addiction - 

Clear back from my addiction - 

I began to see and hear and feel differently.

My mind and my Spirit and my soul were now free from the chains that bound them.

Those chains were wrapped and wrapped and wrapped - tightly.

With large bricks of concrete hung from the locks which kept me bound from freedom.

Addiction literally takes away agency.

Addiction steals from addicts the ability to choose.

The addiction chooses for us.

For someone who is not an addict, this may be hard to understand.

I have had people say to me, "Just stop." "Just don't do it." "You chose this." "Your choices are what keep you bound."

To those people, I say that I understand what they are saying.

I also say that if it were that easy, no one would be an addict.

As an addict, I felt that I was not happy without my addiction.

I felt that I could not have joy without my addiction.

I felt that I could not smile or live cheerfully without my addiction.

I NEEDED my addiction.

Brandon said to our stake president, "Heidi doesn't think she's happy when she is not immersed in her addiction. But when she isn't drowning in her addiction, she is much more able to live. Her home runs more smooth. She is free and she is happier. She just doesn't see it that way."

So, when I was free from the chains that were suffocating me - I saw that.

I look back at pictures of my warriors and I.

I see smiles.

I see genuine content.

I see trials and struggles, for sure.

And THAT bring me joy.

Because THAT is real life.

That does not require hiding or lying or secrecy.

That still allows me to choose and to have freedom of agency.

These boys are my joy.

They are my smiles and my laughter.

The thought that my addiction took priority in any way over that is heartbreaking.

So, I have compassion for myself and I choose differently every minute of every day.

I am keenly aware that those chains of addiction will never be gone.

I'm an addict.

But if I can keep that lock dangling at the bottom, so as not to bind myself from joy again - 

My life will be exactly what it is meant to be.