StRoNg

Dear Mr. Hemingway,

You nailed it!

We will never, ever meet a person who is not broken in some way.

It is the breaks that allow growth.

The breaks hurt.

Yes.

But, without them there is no joy.

This is true in so many of my own stories:

Divorce from M.:

I felt shattered.

Broken from every surface of my body and soul.

I took a week, or so, to allow myself to be broken.

Then, I began to find the light.

And the light shone in every single break.

Brighter than it had ever shone.

Yes, I still cried.

Yes, I still had anger.

Yes, I was still so hurt.

But broken - absolutely not.

I was whole.

My addiction:

Oh, Friends.

Addiction BREAKS people apart.

And it happens slowly.

Little breaks that turn into rips across every piece of you, your relationships, your responsibilities...

You are suddenly one big sink hole that was made by so many cracks in the surface that happened over time!

Then you choose recovery.

And, recovery isn't a bandaid.

It's a lifetime of actions.

And with time, as you are consistent with recovery actions, cracks begin to be filled in.

Road base begins to stabilize the sink hole.

Less cars drive over those cracks and those pot holes and that sink hole, helping to stabilize the entire road.

And just like that - the beauty shows in those breaks.

The breaks become beauty.

People are attracted to the beauty, to see how to fill in their own breaks.

And, I am here for all of it!

 

I Must Be Really Awful

This.

How awful could I be that the very people who were supposed to love me the most, didn't?!

How unlovable could I possibly be to not be loved by those who were actually supposed to love me?!

 Oh, Sweet Child.

You were never awful.

You were never unlovable.

It was never about you.

Sure, you are not perfect.

In fact, no one here is.

Sure, you are always learning and growing.

In fact, that is actually the purpose of being here.

But, Sweet Person, you are worthy of love.

Especially from those who were always supposed to love you.

You are lovable.

In the most imperfectly perfect of ways.

Sweet Friend (Me),

It was never about you in reality.

The times you tried to change to be lovable;

The times you did exactly what you thought would make you lovable;

The times you tried so hard to make everything better by losing yourself just so you would be lovable;

It was never about you.

It was about them.

And, thankfully, you worth is not defined by anyone else's opinion of you.

It isn't defined by their behavior.

It isn't defined by what they say about you to other people.

It just is.

It is whole.

You are whole.

And lovable.

And so not awful.

The Weight

The weight of it all.

Single momming is not for the weak, I tell ya!

Some single parents are WAY better at it than others.

At least, that's my perception.

We are all worthy, though. That's for sure.

Truth be told, this is often how I feel.

I do my best to carry it quietly.

Somedays, I drop.

Yesterday was one of those days.

In bed at 1:30 pm, not to get out until this morning.

Somedays, my kids suffer.

Never intentionally, that's for sure.

But, somedays I just really mess it all up.

Then I get up the next day and try again.

Although this is my mortal weight to carry, I KNOW that I am not alone.

I KNOW that Heavenly Father carries SO much of the weight for me.

Daily.

Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother love me and they love my boys.

I know that to be true.

Somedays, I wonder how I'll buy milk.

Or gas.

Somedays, I wonder when the last time was that I actually made a sit-down for everyone dinner.

Somedays, I write love notes for everyone and deep clean the house.

Somedays, I cry.

Somedays, I laugh.

EVERY DAY, I love my people with every bit of my soul.

EVERY DAY I am so thankful that my kids are mine.

EVERY DAY I know that I am worthy.

 

Light On

I am not a fan of the dark, especially when I'm by myself.

If I am at home alone and it's dark, I reach for anything that can provide some kind of light.

The light brings comfort and solace to the anxiety that the darkness gives my soul.

I have enjoyed watching my Spirit regain the light that was always there.

As an addict, the light is fleeting.

I was always, ALWAYS, trying to find light by doing what I felt others wanted me to do in order to validate my worth.

Remember, addiction is the one thing that takes away our agency.

People have asked me what it was like to hear the words, "You're an addict." "You have an addiction."

Those were the most glorious words I had heard.

Ever.

The entire weight of a thousand pounds was suddenly shook from my mind.

There was HOPE.

I had FAITH that I could come back from this.

I immediately felt some of the darkness dissipate from my soul.

I ONLY needed God.

And, He was right there waiting to bring the light back to my heart and to my soul.

This quote also makes me think of my 12-step meetings.

Oh, how holy those are.

Always.

I truly LOVE watching the light come back to others as well.

I enjoy meeting new people in these meetings, but those core members are almost like soul brothers and sisters.

Watching them each week as they become so fulfilled in God's love for them is a thing of beauty.

Real beauty.

 

Labels

 During a prank, a student stuck a paper on his classmate's back that said "𝗜'𝗺 𝗦𝘁𝘂𝗽𝗶𝗱", and asked the rest of the class not to tell the boy.

Thus the students began laughing on and off...

Came afternoon math class started and their teacher wrote a difficult question on the board.

No one was able to answer it except the boy with the sticker.

Amid the unexplained giggles, he walked toward the board and solved the problem.

The teacher asked the class to clap for him and remove the paper on his back.

She told him: "It seems that you don’t know about the paper your classmate has pasted on your back."

Then the teacher looked at the rest of the class and said:

"Before I give you a punishment, let me tell you 2 things:

First, throughout your Life, people will put labels on you with many nasty words to stop your progress.

Had your classmate known about the paper, he wouldn't have gotten up to answer the question.

𝗔𝗹𝗹 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 𝗶𝗻 𝗟𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗴𝗻𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝗯𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗲𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗼𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝘂𝗻𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻, 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘄 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳."

"Second, it’s clear that he doesn't have any loyal friend among you all to tell him about the sticker.

It doesn't matter how many friends you have - it is the loyalty you share with your friends that matters.

𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗲𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸, 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂, 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝘂𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂, 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗳𝗳 𝗮𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗲."

Choose your friends wisely!

~Author unknown

A wise lesson we all need from time to time.

***************

Let me name all of the labels that have been given to me!

"Too Fat." "Too Thin." "Bad Mom." "Neglectful Mom." "Not a Mom." "Bitch." "Brassy." "Not a hard enough worker." "Too hard of a worker." "Depressed." "Difficult." "Failure." "Incapable."

The list goes on and on and on.

The ONLY labels that matter to me: Daughter of God. Ma/Momma/Mommy/Mom. Auntie. Recovering Addict.

Don't ever let other people's labels mean a darn to you.

Together, We Rise

If this ain't the truth!

TOGETHER we rise.

We need each other, People.

But we need the right people.

Be the right person for other people.

 

There Is A Place

I was in my false self for a time on Saturday morning.

I felt a little lost without My T at the Temple.

Once my sister-in-law arrived, she offered me a seat next to her.

For that, I was immensely grateful.

And then I read THIS:

"And I soon go to the place of my rest, which is with my Redeemer; for I know that in Him I shall rest. And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before Him; then shall I see His face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father."

Well, False Self, take that!

There is a place for ALL of us in the mansions of our Father.

All of us.

There is a place at a table for all of us in the mansions of our Father.

So, True Self... let's do this thing!

Side note:

Yesterday, before Sacrament Meeting, one of my Primary babies came up to me and wanted to sit with me.

Oh, how I love my babies.

I can't wait to be back with them next week as we resume some sort of Primary schedule.

God knew I needed these babies.

There is a place at their table for me every single week.

Their hugs.

Their smiles.

Their waves.

Their, "Where is the fruit snacks, Teacher?"

All the things.

Mansions will be full of their spirits, I am sure of it.

 

My Why

As you go through addiction recovery, and really any kind of recovery, there is a lot said about knowing your "why."

If we know our WHY, we can start on the correct path.

The HOW will come.

The WHEN, WHERE, WHO will come.

So long as we know our WHY, we can get started.

These four.

These four have always been my why.

I just sought the world's validation in my how.

Rather than teaming up with God on the how, I reached out to the world.

It doesn't go so well when we go that way.

Once I understood that, things got on the right course.

I love these four infinitely.

To the full moon and back.

With every fiber of my soul.

I love that Jackson face-times me throughout the week.

I love that he tells me about work and about girls and about more girls.

I love that he stops by when he is up this way.

I love that he is happy and is helping people.

I love that Braxton checks on me.

Always.

I love that he works so hard.

I love that he gets me shakes when he and Mia go out to eat.

I love that he is silly.

I love that Kaydon comes in to tell me goodnight.

I love that he is so, darn excited to go on his mission.

I love that he is such a good brother.

I love that he is so organized and wants to talk about that organization with me.

 I love that Colton hugs me every single day.

Just because.

I love that he is brave in a world that can be so ugly.

I love that he is always aware of others.

I love that he has really taken on advocating for himself.

I love these boys so, darn much.

They are my WHY.

They are my everything.

 

Self Love Sun

How great is this graphic??

This is just a little reminder that we can each print off.

Self Love comes when we are in our true selves!

 

Anger

SOMETHING WORTH SHARING

There was a snake that crawled over a sharp saw and was cut. In anger the snaked wrapped the saw with its thick body and proceeded to squeeze the life out of the saw.
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With each angry squeeze it felt more pain but continued because it wasn’t going to let the saw get away with the pain it caused it. The snake, refusing to let go of the saw, eventually died; not knowing the whole time, he needed to let go of the initial pain and focus on its future and where it was going. Instead, the snake, unfortunately, lost its life and didn’t even see it coming.
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Control your anger, forgive those that hurt you, and don’t give people or things power over you. LET IT GO!!!! YOUR PEACE IS EVERYTHING, BLOCK anybody necessary! 

If this isn't profound, I don't know what is.

Anger can be a very valuable emotion.

It can tell us that our boundaries are being crossed, or that we need to set up boundaries period.

It can tell us that we are with people or in a situation that is not for us.

It can tell us that we are making choices that aren't great.

Anger is an important emotion.

BUT, like every other emotion we feel, we need to also learn not to live in it.

We need to learn to see it, hear it, act accordingly...

Then let it go.

 

I Love This Quote

12-Step Programs are filled with a lot of family members of addicts.

They, themselves, don't realize that they are addicts when they begin attending.

They are there to support their "addict."

Their son or daughter; their husband or wife.

Soon, though, it hits them.

They, too, are addicts.

They have become co-dependent on their family member's addiction.

They have lost their own agency through addiction.

The interesting thing about almost ALL of these attendees is that their addict family member stopped attending after meeting one or two.

But these people never stop attending.

They find such power in healing and recovering from their own, new-found addictions.

They tend to be all-in.

They are learning to set boundaries for their addict family member.

They are learning to take back their agency.

They are learning who they, themselves, are.

They are finding joy.

There is one couple, in particular, that I just love.

Husband and wife, in their late fifties.

Their son is a chemical addict.

He attended one meeting, then stopped.

Due to that addiction, and a lack of boundaries, they developed their own addictions.

The father has an eating addiction.

He has become medically obese, as he has eaten all of his feelings.

The mother has become addicted to control, a very real process addiction.

And through those coping mechanisms, they lost their own agency to addiction.

I love their insights, always.

They are all-in with this program.

They have attended weekly for over two years, having gone through the twelve steps over and over again.

Unwilling to allow their addictions to have negative effects on them, their marriage or their family any longer.

Addiction recover is brave.

But, it is also messy.

You and I are worthy.

 

I Didn't Think I Deserved Better

One of the most common questions I get is why I married, or dated, the men I did.

The answer is actually VERY simple.

I didn't think I deserved better.

Each time, I felt like this was as good as it was going to get for me.

They showed me even the slightest amount of validation, and that was it.

I literally didn't think I deserved better.

I didn't know that I had worth.

I literally DID NOT know I had worth.

Now I do.

And the game has changed.

In fact, it isn't even a game anymore.

It is me being in the flow, going with the flow, and letting things come to me.

It is me fully trusting in my worth and in God's timing.

It is me feeling okay about what is.

Once we KNOW our worth, from Whom it comes, and that it is unchangeable...

Our choices change.

Our understanding changes.

We change.

 

OWN IT!

Let's be honest!

If I'm going to be a hot mess/train wreck...

I can at least be a fun one!!

Happy Weekend!!

 

Blocked

Our space is actually sacred.

Our space includes our souls.

Our physical space.

Our minds.

What makes us feel like shit should not be allowed in.

What makes us feel down-trodden, judged, threatened, like we aren't enough should not be allowed in.

And, when other people block us we should respect that as well.

We aren't perfect, either.

I was talking to my niece yesterday about a couple of kids who were bullying her last year in school.

I reminded her that she doesn't have to allow them in her space.

She told me that this can be hard when they are forced to sit next to each other in class.

She is right!

That IS difficult!!

I reminded her that she has every right to say to them, "I don't like the way you treat me. Don't talk to me. Don't talk about me. In fact, don't come near me."

And, if that person doesn't respect that then go to a trusted adult.

They don't get to make you feel less than worthy in YOUR space.

 

Born Again

I'm an addict.

I am a validation addict.

It is a process addiction.

I am in recovery, and have been for two years.

As a validation addict, my ONLY concern becomes pleasing everyone else.

As a validation addict, my MAIN concern is pleasing those who should have loved me anyways.

As a validation addict, the constant journey to please those people creates a loss in agency.

And in joy.

And in reality.

And in knowing who I even am.

Imagine 42 years of this.

Constantly trying to please those who I was so desperate to receive love from.

When recovery began, along with intense therapy, I learned slowly how to take a hiatus from all of that.

From the notion that I was here to please PEOPLE.

From the idea that I wasn't good enough unless I was being exactly who they wanted me to be.

From the exhaustive efforts of doing this day in and day out.

I learned that my worth was not up to anyone.

My worth was concrete.

I didn't need to please anyone.

I then created boundaries for myself and for others.

And with that, I was truly born again.

Learning WHO I am.

Depending on WHOSE I am.

Living in all of that.

 

Progress

This graphic is perfection.

Literal perfection.

I love it SO much, I might frame it.

Progress is NEVER linear and it is never all uphill.

In fact, progress can be seen at the bottom of a revine.

In the deepest valley.

Watching everyone else around you at the top of the peaks.

YOUR progress may very well be at the bottom, looking up.

Progress looks different for everyone.

It doesn't look like a gold medal all the time.

It doesn't look like the winning lottery ticket.

It doesn't look like the very, tip top of the mountain peak all the time.

Sometimes it looks like putting one foot in front of the other.

Sometimes it looks like showing yourself grace.

Sometimes it looks like resting from your labors.

 

False Self

Mama has been in my false self for a few days, now.

This happens when I am in bed, sick.

I get VERY depressed.

I allow my mind to go to worldly concerns and then just like that - FALSE SELF.

I am now aware of it.

Step one.

I know what I need to do to flip the switch.

Step two.

I work toward flipping that switch.

Step three.

So, what do I do?

I talk to God.

I meditate.

I stay off of social media. (comparison)

I shower. (water is grounding)

I keep at my routine.

I haven't been to the gym in a few days and that has an effect, but I have to be smart too.

So, I give myself grace.

I remind myself that I am worthy AF.

I read my journals.

I journal my feelings.

I surround myself with my loves: my children, T, Miss Birdie, B Beck, My sisters...

And we do this thing!

 

Not an Option

Learning.

Growing.

Developing.

This quote right here was nonsense to me until about two years ago.

When the boys and I learned about Michael's cheating and dishonesty, my mind was made up immediately.

This was WEIRD for me... very out of character.

My sisters asked my boys if they thought Michael and I would work things out.

Jackson said immediately, "Did you see my mom? She's done. I've never seen her like that."

We are not options.

We are not backup plans.

We are not a well if she doesn't work out then I have her.

We are not there for the chase and once caught, it's off to the next poor, unfortunate soul.

We are daughter of GOD.

We are worthy of love and loyalty and devotion and adoration.

And, PS, so are men.

Women are just as guilty of being dishonest, less-than-loyal, disrespectful, and less than loving to men as well!

Recently I had a conversation that basically was this quote in my words.

I AM NOT AN OPTION.

I AM NOT A BACKUP PLAN.

Bye.

Boundaries include having respect for ourselves and our divine nature.

 

Perspective

I am piggy-backing off of my post from yesterday.

This morning, for my AM workout, I went to the gym.

I got in my car.

Drove the couple of minutes to park in the asphalt parking lot.

Went in and walked on the treadmill.

When I came back out, I took this picture.

Here are my thoughts about this, in comparison to yesterday's workout:

1. Noise.

We are surrounded with noise all day, everyday. 
As soon as I walked in, it was almost deafening - the noise.

Machines, people, weights, music...

Noise.

Even my ear buds didn't drown out the noise.

It was nothing like the peaceful sound of the creek and the ducks.

It was nothing compared to the tree leaves scattering throughout the air.

It was loud.

Hard to hear myself think.

I found myself immediately upon stepping on the treadmill, racing through my thoughts about what I needed to do today, what time it was, how much time I had left...

Racing.

No peace.

No solace.

Worldly.

When I walk in nature, before the world is awake, I am in meditation mode.

I am thinking about the air.

The colors.

Breath.

I am talking to God.

Out loud and in my thoughts.

I am watching my feet take steps and I am full of abundance.

2. Light

Can you see the moon this picture?

It's there.

But it's a bit hidden, and even dimmed, by lights that are there for our protection!

The sunrise is dimmed by the lights on the building... lights that are there to show us the way!

There seems to be chaos in structure in this picture.

When I walk in nature before the world is awake, I only see sky and moon light and the beginning of dawn.

There are no street lights or traffic lights.

There is only the direction of my soul.

3. These comparisons remind me of the importance between good and best.

I am SO grateful for an indoor gym where my workout is more structured.

I am grateful for the equipment there that I don't have anywhere else.

However, I am infinitely grateful for nature, soul walks, natural light and natural sounds.

It's all about perspective.

 

Looking Up

For my first workout of the day, I decided to do it outside.

In nature.

In fresh air.

In cooler morning temperatures.

I walked west, then south, through a neighborhood which hooked up to my beloved Layton Park trailway.

I made a goal when I left this morning to spend my walk LOOKING UP.

While we were hiking Adam's Canyon, I mentioned several times how I had never noticed certain features along the hike because I was always looking down.

The rock formations, the peaks, the trees, the birds...

So, this morning I challenged myself to look up the entire way.

And the things I saw!!

I noticed a few things whilst looking UP:

My posture is SO much better.

My abdominal muscles are so much more engaged.

My hamstrings are working harder (ain't nothing wrong with that!)

My perspective is SO MUCH more broad!

I can still see where I'm going; in fact, I can see SO much more about where I'm going.

I watched the sun begin to come up over my mountains.

I noticed the trees and flowers begin to wake from their slumber.

I saw the ducks begin to migrate to one another after their sleep.

I watched the sliver of a moon continue its journey west. 

The world felt bigger.

It felt more beautiful than the concrete sidewalk or the paved road I would normally stare at whilst walking.

It felt like I could take deeper breaths and just take it all in.

And what is this similar to??

Looking UP to our God and our Savior.

Opening ourselves up to Their light and their love.

 

Feelings

Part of being a validation addict is trying SO hard to fit into other people's feelings...

To be what they want us to be...

We end up having no clue what our own feelings are.

At all.

In fact, we have no idea what feelings are period.

We are not able to feel them or to label them or to live in them because we haven't before.

Becky Beck sent me this quote and I LOVE IT.

Learning what feelings are, what MY feelings are, and what to do with them has been both beautiful and enriching AND so stinking hard, so challenging.

Feelings teach us so much about ourselves.

Angry?

Why? 
Is your body and mind telling you that you have been wronged?

Sad?
Why?
Did someone or something hurt you?

Are you lonely?

Are you feeling down?

Anxious?
Why?
Is it because it's simply something new?

Or, are you feeling that way because you ought not be with that person/people or in that environment?

Explore them.

Investigate them.

Learn about your feelings.

Embrace them!