Heidi Rae Coaching - Dating Ourselves

Babes!

How many of you have been on dating websites?! I've been on far too many... hashtag toxic relationship coach! Anywho, if you have not been on a dating website - maybe just take a gander for entertainment purposes! They are a plethora of people trying to make their best impressions, with a keyboard and a cell phone camera. Normally, such people type in a bit of a description of themselves and then have multiple options to click different things they like, such as: music, exercise, reading, traveling, outdoors, sports, etc. The idea is that these websites then "put together" people with similar interests, beliefs, locations, etc.

Here's the question I have for you today: How do you describe yourself? My Katryna asked me this question during our first counseling appointment. I think I responded with, "I'm a mom. I work full time..." Her facial expressions are some of my favorite! "But WHO are YOU?" Babes! I had no idea! I was 42 years old and I had NO idea who I was!!!! I had been a chameleon for 42 years. I was whoever people told me they wanted me to be. All of the time. Then when they'd change their mind, I'd change who I was. I did not have a clue who Heidi was. Not even an inclination. #validationaddiction But, I got to learn. I was able to begin dating my darn self! I was able to begin the adventure... the amazing, painful, terrifying, heartbreaking, exciting journey of who Heidi is. And, I love her!

I have mentioned several things on here for the last little bit, but we have to begin with awareness. Be aware. Be, be aware! We have to be aware of who we are, what we need, what we DON'T need, the best ways of getting there, etc. We get to date ourselves! We get to fall in love with ourselves. That is where it begins... so get on that starting line! We're about to go on an amazing adventure!

#coach #coaching #processaddictionrecovery #toxicrelationships #selflove #divorcecoach #singleparentingcoach

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Tell Them Who They Are

 Babes!!

Recently, I heard Coach Brooke Snow talking about a situational event with one of her children.

The story she tells is one that any parent can tell on any day at most any time. Her children were fighting. She was wanting to tell them to "knock it off," "cut it out," "STOPPPP IT!!!" But she paused. She looked at her son and, instead of telling him to pull himself together, told him WHO HE WAS: smart, kind, capable of making the right choices.

Soon after hearing this, I had the opportunity to try this out for myself. My favorite nine year old was playing war with three of his big brothers. He was upset that one of them had a Nerf gun. The rest of them were just throwing nerf darts. He felt like this was super unfair. He began to pout and yell and even cried. I found him by himself in the front room. He was sitting on the floor, having what I like to call a "party for one." (I have these pretty often myself!)

I said, "Oh my gosh! I am SO proud of you! You knew that you needed a little break and you took it! You are smart! You GET to decide if you want to continue to play with Brothers or sit this one out! I know you'll do the right thing!" Then I walked away.

Within minutes, he had picked up his darts and continued to play... this time without pouting or whining or yelling or crying. I think he even won.

I noticed an immediate change in his demeaner. By telling him WHO he is, rather than what to do, he felt empowered! Bonus... I felt good, too! I didn't feel annoyed or irritated or like I needed to put my dang self in timeout!

#coach #coaching #selflove #toxicrelationships #addictionrecovery #singleparenting

Heidi Rae Coaching - Restart

Babes!!

I have some really good news for ALL of us... every single morning that we wake up is a clean slate. It's a restart. Not a re-do. A restart! We GET to start over every single morning.

Mondays are a favorite of mine. Literally. They have been for a long time, but I didn't realize their importance and their endless possibility until recently. Literally.

I can do not one thing about yesterday. It is what it is. It's in the rear view mirror and if I'm staring at my rear view mirror, eventually I am going to crash. Full speed crash. The rear view mirror is not for me to focus on. It's to remind me of my surroundings AND THAT IS ALL. Babes, the windshield is bigger than that little rear view mirror for a reason!! What is in front of me is FAR MORE IMPORTANT.

When I lay my head down at night, I am saying goodbye to my day. When I open my eyes in the morning, I am open to what this day brings. Show yourself grace for the days before you. Show gratitude for what you have learned and for that part of your PROCESS. Then focus, Babes. Focus on TODAY. It's literally all you have. Show up for today. Give back what you have learned in that rear view mirror and forge ahead on what is in front of you.

I'm a BIG fan of Lao Tzu. I had a saying written on my wall in the hospital post-stroke. R would read to me daily from the Lao. I love the quote, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." When you rise in the morning, your day begins with a single step. Before I could walk, I had to sit up. I had to roll. I had to stand up. I had to RISE. So, if you can not yet step - rise. Rise mentally. Rise emotionally. Rise spiritually. But, RISE UP.

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Vitals

 Babes!!

In order to be in integrity with our dang selves, we must know who we are and what we need. Makes sense, right?! Our "vitals" are our needs. These are the things that we need consistently in order to be at our best. These are things that, when we are not doing so hot, we need to do! When we check in with ourselves, these are the things that we ask ourselves about...

These are MY vitals:

Sleep

Exercise

Food

Water

Physical Touch

Sunshine or UV Rays

When I am off, moody, emotional, quick to anger or agitation, I stop and ask myself:

1. Am I tired? Do I need to take a minute or a couple of hours to rest? Do I need quiet time to myself?

2. Do I need to move my body? Do I need to walk around the block? Do I need to stretch? Do I need to go to the gym for a couple of hours?

3. Am I hungry??

4. Do I need ice water?

5. Do I need a hug? A high five? Do I need to cuddle?

6. Have I felt the sun on my face today? Do I need to go to a tanning bed for a few minutes?

Tomorrow, we are going to talk about vitals more in depth! But today, make a list of what you NEED every single day.

Heidi Rae Coaching - Self Integrity

Babes!

What is one thing in your life that is a non-negotiable? For me, it is making my bed every single morning. Let's be real, that consists of putting my comforter back on the bed straight and placing my two pillows at the head of the bed. But, it is a non-negotiable for me.

I was listening to one of my favorite speakers, Eddie Pinero, talking about self-integrity. He stated that his non-negotiable is having zero dishes in the sink before he goes to bed. He explained that, yes, it might seem like a little thing, and that, yes, the world will continue to go on if he happens to leave a plate in the sink, BUT... he said that by missing just one night, it turns into two... then the sink gets full... then other parts of the house get messy... then even more parts get messy... then he is living in chaos.

Think about this, Babes! In the big scheme of things, this non-negotiable is about doing what he says he's going to do and doing it every single night. It's about being accountable to himself. It's about showing up for himself. Just like not leaving the house without making my bed is showing up for myself. It's doing what is important to me in that moment at 6:23 every single morning.

Integrity starts with self. It has zero to do with outside influences. It has nothing AT ALL to do with what other people are doing, or saying... it's about self. It's starts with me.

This week, we are going to talk about our vitals. And it's going to be important. Because it's about self. When our vitals are off, we are off. When we are off, our integrity is off. We should look at our integrity as a non-negotiable!

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Be a Loser

Babes!!

What if I'm a loser??

Spoiler Alert: I AM!!

I chose to lose people who made me feel small. I chose to lose the weight of other people's business. I chose to lose the idea that I had to have someone or something to be happy. I chose to lose the weight of past mistakes I have made.

I AM a loser! There is so much importance in losing, or getting rid, of these things!! When we remove things, we make room for better things. This includes people, thoughts, feelings, expectations, etc.

Be a loser!!! 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Be Open to Amazingness

 Babes!

What if we are blocking our own access to amazingness?! What IF that invisible umbrella is up and we are limiting our path to abundance?! What IF my limiting beliefs are affecting my prosperity?! My joy?!

Brooke Snow teaches the most amazing meditation. I have adopted it and I do it, repeatedly, throughout every single day. It is a flipping the switch game changer if you let it be!

This is the mantra:
📣"I am open. I am receiving. I am grateful. I am giving."
Louder for the negative self-talk in the back of my head:
"I AM OPEN. I AM RECEIVING. I AM GRATEFUL. I AM GIVING."

⭐️I do this on the treadmill when I am in my last few minutes and I just want to stop. "I am open to breath. I am receiving breath, strength, energy. I am grateful for my body and my mind. I am giving out the energy that I desperately need."
⭐️I do this when I am having limiting thoughts. "I am open to abundance. I am receiving everything I need. I am grateful for every single thing I have. I am giving love and light."
⭐️I do this when my body and my brain are tired. " I am open to rest and self grace. I am receiving messages from my body and mind that I am tired. I am grateful for self-awareness. I am giving myself compassion and rest."

This mantra works in EVERY case. The more we say and use this mantra, and others, the more our sub-conscious believes that we are open and receiving, grateful and giving.
#coaching #coach #addictionrecovery #selflove #singleparenting #toxicrelationships 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Limitations

Babes!!

What if the vast majority of our limitations are self-induced?! PS... they are!

I've told this story multiple times. I had just been transferred to IMC, 12th floor - Neurotrauma Rehabilitation Unit. I was paralyzed, completely, on my left side. It was physical therapy time and I had just been taken to the PT gym in my wheelchair. I was transferred from my wheelchair to the mat and placed on my back.

"Okay, Heidi, roll from your right to your left and onto your belly." EASY PEASY!! I put my right arm across my body and my right leg over my left and rolled.

"Okay, Heidi, now roll from your left to your right." NOTHING. Literally nothing happened. I felt like I was screaming at my body to roll already. NOTHING. I laid on that dang mat and cried for what seemed like an hour.

"Okay, Heidi. Crying is not going to help you roll," the therapist said.

NO kidding, Meanie!!!

"Heidi. Use your abs."

Huh?!

"Use your abs! Your abdominal muscles still work. Engage them and roll. Stop crying. Use your abs and roll."

It took some time, but I engaged my abs and I rolled over!!!!! I did it. There I was face-down, rolled onto my belly and rejoicing in what my broken body had just done. I rolled the eff over!!!

Fast forward to the first time I stood on my own; the moment I took my own steps; the first time I walked up a stair.

NOTE: this is not true for every paralyzed person!! In my particular situation, my abs still worked and my brain was still able to communicate with those muscles.

In my case, my limitations were self-induced. My therapists knew better. They knew that my sass and my feistiness could work in my favor. They knew that I had more ability and potential than what I thought at the time.

What limitations does your negative talk tell you are hindering your progression right this minute? Step through that negative talk and do your thing!

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Difficulties Provide Opportunities

Babes!!

What IF our difficulties usher in our opportunities?! What if the doors that seem to close on us that we desperately wanted to open wide back us up into bigger and better doors?! What if those hard times that literally take our breath away allow us to have compassion and empathy that we could not know otherwise?!

I have story after story after story I could tell, but I'm going to share just one today:

As a single mama who has not received financial assistance from the other party, money has been scarce... always. Yet, my boys and I have someone always had just what we needed: a roof over our heads and food in their bellies. We have been given hand-me-down clothes, shoes and coats for them. We have been brought random dinners and boxes of groceries. We have been gifted money and backpacks for back-to-school and holidays. I could go on and on.

One day, I was at Walmart. I don't remember why, but I was sitting on a stool at the Subway inside of Walmart. It was located at the front of the store and I was people watching, as you do. Right away, I noticed a mom with a toddler. Both had burn bandages on their arms and chest. There was an older gentleman with them. She had emptied one and a half carts worth of groceries onto the conveyor belt, bagged them, and was frantically looking through her purse and digging into her pockets. There was a large line of people behind her. She looked panicked. She didn't have her wallet. She had no way of paying for this.

I had just received my tax refund. I dug into my pocket, grabbed my debit card, walked up, slid my card and walked away.

I don't tell you this to brag. I don't tell you this to illustrate me doing a noble deed. I tell you this because through my trials, I was able to develop empathy. I tell you this because my boys and I have received kindness after kindness. I tell you this because my difficulties have provided me opportunities over and over and over again.

There is ALWAYS opportunity in difficulty, Babes. Always.

#coach #lifecoach #perspective

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Letting Life Happen

Babes!

I am a planner, a scheduler, an organizer. I have always felt like if I am not prepared for everything that MIGHT happen, I'm failing... even creating my own misery!! This is the epitome of living in my false self! Imagine the anxiety that I create for my dang self by living this way!

What if it is actually okay to LET LIFE HAPPEN?! What if I have the tools to simply adjust my sails and keep going? What if I can be ALL-IN on life AND let it happen?! You mean to say that I can live with fluidity?! Count me in!!

We have the ability, even the tools, to pivot. We have the RIGHT to live in our true selves and make changes, tweak our thoughts and our actions, and even pick that fork in the road that's going to come! We can have joy in allowing life to happen, while creating boundaries!!

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Purpose In Our Pain

 Babes!

WHAT IF from your pain comes your purpose??!!

Insert mind blown!

Why is this such an ah-ha moment for me?

This is fact.

From our pain, our purpose will come.

BUT...

Knowledge is only as powerful as the action we put into place with it.

From my pain as a single mother, my purpose to help others in similar situations has come.

As has the gift of learning what forgiveness looks like, feels like, and is.

From my mistakes (bad choices) pertaining to toxic relationships, my purpose in process addiction recovery has come.

My love of addicts and my love of the 12 steps, simplified, has come.

From my pain dealing with poor self-esteem (a complete lack of emotional understanding of feelings, thoughts, and boundaries), has come a journey of self love.

Our pain is necessary, even exciting!!

With it, comes purpose.

Heidi Rae Coaching - I Love & Accept You

Babes!

I challenge you to repeat this mantra every single day in regards to YOURSELF. Yes, that's right... I want you to look your amazing self in the mirror EVERY single day and repeat OUT LOUD: "I love and accept you!"

Rules: You cannot say, "But," or "Except for." You cannot even think those things in your head, Babes! If those thoughts creep in, STOP. And do it again. "I love and accept you!" EXACTLY as you are.

THEN... yup, there is always more because awesome stuff is awesome in bulk!

Keep that mantra in your back pocket at all times to use with others. I want to tell you a story that I am not proud of, but that illustrates this mantra and the importance of it:

There is a man at my gym who I STRUGGLE with. He is a bit older than me. He is very social, always going up to people of all ages and all genders. He gets very close to people's faces and is very physical affectionate with all people (of all ages and all genders). He walks around, interrupting people's workouts. I watch him do this! It must be a true story because I witness it! He hugs women in an inappropriate manner! I witness it daily, Babes, I am daily SO bothered by his clear and evident behavior! I watch him. I listen to his conversations. I judge him daily because it's JUST NOT RIGHT. Note: it was clear that the people who I just knew he was bothering were not telling him to stop.

Babes, my behavior went on for weeks... possibly even months. I spoke with the gym management and voiced my concerns. Here is what I learned: he was in a car accident with four or five of his closest friends when he was in high school. All of his friends were killed in the accident and he suffered irreversible brain trauma. He lives in assisted living and loves the gym. He has been told multiple times by gym management that his behavior must be appropriate, but often forgets those conversations the next day. And, AGAIN... the people who he "bothers" at the gym have every right and ability to tell him to go away, but they don't.

It seems, Babes, that this really only bothers ME.

I immediately began repeating this mantra in my head as soon as I'd seem him at the gym. "I love and accept you ___."

I still do this, to this day, every time I see him. It does a few things:

1. It reminds me to stay out of his business.

2. It reminds me that to mind my own dang business.

3. It reminds me to stay in my true self.

4. It puts me back into a state of present.

I then end up repeating the same thing to myself, without judgement, without anger that I'm still learning... with grace. "I love and accept you, Heidi." I leave out the, "But you're a dumbass for still judging him." I leave out the, "What is wrong with you, Heidi?!" I leave it at, "I love and accept you, Heidi." Then I continue my treadmill walking IN THE PRESENT.

 

Heidi Rae Coaching - Forgiveness is OUR Grand Prize

 Babes!

I was swimming in the deep end of hatred for my kids' father for years! I was actually praying to God that he would pay child support and desire a healthy relationship with my children, and that if that didn't happen that God would just take him away! I was literally praying that God would take away his agency!! I was so far up in HIS business. I was so far out of my true self. I was in a no-win cycle of hate.

One day, my Becky suggested out of the blue that maybe instead of praying for the things I was praying for, instead I would pray that I would be able to FORGIVE HIM. Novel idea, right?! I told her I'd give it a try. I was at my wits end with negative emotions and feelings and thoughts! I was drowning in the deep end, Babes. Not him. ME.

I went home and said that prayer: "Dear God, please bless me to be able to forgive him and please make up the difference, Dear God." Babes! It was immediate. It was cleansing. It was the life raft I so desperately needed. I felt like a completely new person.

My circumstance did NOT change. The facts of our situation did NOT change. He still did not pay child support and he still did not have a healthy, consistent, father-son relationship with my children. BUT, I had just won the grand prize. I was no longer drowning in hatred. I felt compassion, empathy, and sadness for him. I was even able to say that I felt strongly he was doing his best... his best was not my best, but it was his best.

Note: nothing about my forgiveness changed HIM. My forgiving him did not have any impact, whatsoever, on HIM. The only impact was on MY heart. "I love and accept you, Ryan."

Everything is as it should be. Only all of the time. Forgiveness is like a grand prize... for YOU.

Heidi Rae Coaching - The Magic That is Staying Out of Others' Business

 Babes!

SO much of our stress and angst and belly aches have to do with worry, fear, our minds racing, our body reacting to the emotions that we have due to thoughts we have... It's a miserable cycle. Most of the time, it's a cycle that none of us even recognize as being a cycle!

How many times a DAY do you think:

"Why are they doing that?"

"Why is that happening to them?"

"She shouldn't be doing that!"

"She shouldn't be wearing that!"

"He should not be acting that way toward me."

"Why don't they care?"

"Why won't he listen to me?"

"Why don't they see my side of things?"

"Why do they insist on telling MY story to others??"

Mantra(s) for the week:

"Things are as they should be!"

"I will stay out of their business."

"I will focus on my business."

Morning and Night

Things ARE as they should be. When we involve ourselves in other people's business, we are creating anxiety and stress that are out of our control. We are, often times without even realizing it, hoping away their agency! We just know that we know better! For THEM! We are trying to change the present. The more we fight against the present, the more miserable we become... the less present we are!

On the other hand, when we accept what is and stay our of their business, we are able to show up to whatever scenerio is before us in our true selves.

Things are ALWAYS as they should be.

I will stay out of their business.

I will focus on my business.

#lifecoach #addictionrecoverycoach #singleparentingcoach #boymom

3Michelle Monroe Hansen, Amy Sue Mabey and 1 other