It's Okay

I have had a lot of moments lately where I just feel like I am faking it until I make it.

I get home from work and I go to my bed.

I lay there.

The guys at the gym text me to see if I'm coming in.

Usually, it's a no.

I'm freaking exhausted.

Physically, emotionally, mentally.

But, going to the gym is what makes me happy.

And, I'm not doing that as often as I should.

I talked with my therapist yesterday, Katryna.

She is my person.

I texted her and she texted me back.

Thank goodness!

It's okay that I fall apart.

It's okay that I feel very, very weak right now.

There is no timeline for this stuff.

Recovery.

Healing.

No timeline.

I get to take as long as is necessary.

It's time to get back to actual self care...

Gym.

Healthy foods.

Daily Scriptures.

Ultra violet lights.

For real.

But, no timeline.

It's okay.

Self Love

A big portion of my therapy has to do with self love.

If we have self love, and the ability to really see our worth and value, then the idea would be that validation would not be an addiction. 

If I know my own worth;

If I know that I am loved just the way I am;

If I am aware of my value;

Then validation from other humans would cease to be necessary.

For an addict of validation, however, this can be a longer and harder journey than one might think.

It's crazy, isn't it, how I promote and advocate for self love.

Every single day.

I cannot fathom all of my loves not seeing their worth and their value!

But, for me...

As is true for many addicts of different things...

It's much harder to live what I preach.

I love this quote.

I love how simple it makes it sound.

AND, I love how it shows the benefits of self love.

Addiction to validation is the opposite of this quote.

You don't glow because there is no light lit on the inside.

You don't attract the people who you really need or even want in your life.

It's about giving people what they want in return for validation.

When we have self love (and we are not talking arrogance),

We are able to attract those who don't seek anything in return.

Self love is pretty much the bomb dot com.

Balance

Much like "patience" is not normally a word used to describe Yours Truly,

Neither is "balance!"

Neither is "inside voice user."

There's more where that came from, too.

Here is a little example of how I am not so good at balance:

Neighbor of ours moved in.

Nice, nice guy.

Good-looking guy!

Great dad!

Dude has a job, a car, and now a nice house!

Whilst living by us, he was super friendly to the boys and I.

In fact, he asked me out a couple of times.

I ditched him every single time.

And, it was more than once.

One time, he asked me out in front of Kaydon.

Kaydon said to me after we went in the house,"That guy has a had a crush on you for a minute. Forgot to tell ya."
And then he went about his business.

I was like, "Wait, what?"

"Yeah, Ma. He's got a thing for you. We must have forgotten to tell you."

The guy moved because he bought a house a few blocks away.

He invited me over for a house-warming party.

I ditched him that night, too.

Like, A LOT of ditching.

A lot.

There was an Amazon box delivered to his house.

I texted him to tell him.

I told him I could drop it off to him last night on my way home from work.

And, I did.

Nicest guy ever.

Then he said, "What are you doing now?"
"Picking up CBD orders. Dropping off CBD orders."

He asked, "Then what?"

"Then I promised Colton I'd take him to use his gift cards."

He said, "Okay. Dinner tomorrow?"

I said, "Okay."
He then asks, "Are you going to ditch me like you have the other 29 times?"
I mean, it was a fair question.

I told him I wouldn't.

Colton and I were driving to drop off CBD and I told him.

Colton said, "Mommy! Mike is brave! You have literally ditched him like 29 times and he still asks you out!"

True that.

Balance - not my thing.

Since recovery, I've been like anti-dating at all.

Even this nice guy.

Not that we would be dating...

It would just be dinner.

But even little things like that are scary to me.

PS...

He had something come up at work.

So, he is ditching me tonight.

Heidi 29 Poor Unfortunate Soul 1

The Falls

This past weekend, I really felt myself falling...

Falling into the deep end of needing validation.

That is my addiction.

The feeling of needing validation.

The feeling of constantly - every 30 seconds - checking my phone for any sort of text or message or anything that makes me "feel" validated.

Anything.

And then feeling that sinking feeling when there are none.

This is my addiction.

I was able to recognize that this is what I was doing for several hours.

I got up.

Got on my knees.

Asked God to rescue me from my addiction.

Then went and baked breads and cookies in my kitchen.

Listened to Gus play with his toy.

Listened to Colton laugh at a movie upstairs.

Listened to Kaydon come up and down the stairs...

We have 15 stairs... I know it's Kaydon because he only hits about three of them.

And suddenly I knew that my life is validated.

My worth is concrete.

Not going to change.

I don't need to keep looking for it.

It's right here.

Never going anywhere.

My friend sent me this...

What perfect timing.

How many of us are living, in a high-functioning manner with mental health issues?

With addiction.

With anxiety.

With OCD.

With Depression.

With other mental health illnesses?

My doctor once said to me that I am the highest functioning individual he knows with the issues I have.

Thanks?

Or, sorry?

Or, YIKES!

That isn't exactly something we want to hear, right?

Heidi, you've got serious issues but high five for keeping it all going!

It's OK to be broken.

To be scared.

To be sad.

To be angry.

To feel lonely.

To feel lost.

To feel like we may never pull it together.

But, it's also OK to press forward.

To feel those feelings.

It's not okay to judge them.

It's not okay to move them in to the spare bedroom.

It's not okay to define ourselves based on them.

But for crying out loud - feel them.

I know I am on the right path because I can feel what I am doing.

I can see it.

I can hear it.

I can taste it!

And then I have the tools to feel it.

To decide if it's necessary.

And to let it go.

So I don't drown in the deep end.

Take Me to Church

One of my favorite humans sent me a video yesterday.

It was a member of the LDS Church speaking.

He is young-ish, probably in his 20's.

He was talking about how he really wanted to look into the reason why so many members of this faith are choosing to leave, choosing to not believe in it anymore.

It was very compelling.

It was very interesting.

Then, my friend asked for my thoughts.

My friend went through a time a couple of years ago where he became agnostic.

He was a faithful, diligent member of this faith his entire life.

But, began to question things about the Church and really started his journey of faith all over again.

I have mad respect for people who do this.

So often, we believe what our parents and their parents and their parents believed.

We follow what we are told to follow, taught to follow.

And there is nothing inately wrong with that.

However, there is something quite powerful in doing our own spiritual discovery.

What is it that WE believe?
What have WE had actual testimony of?

Personally, I struggle with the church aspect of my faith.

I struggle with the mortal, people-part of my faith.

Because of personal, very sacred experiences that I have had too many times to count, I have every belief, as surely as I am sitting on my bum typing this, that God is real.

I am His daughter.

Jesus is the Christ.

He atoned for me and for you.

The Holy Ghost is a member of the God Head who is extremely busy.

Prayer is an actual communication line between The Father and us.

He knows us.

He hears us.

He sees us.

He sees and knows far more than we do.

He is always right.

For real.

I know that tithing is a blessing in our lives.

No doubt.

I have a testimony of the Priesthood, and I am perfectly fine with the fact that I don't have Priesthood keys, because I benefit from the Priesthood power just as much as any male on Planet Earth.

Now, I don't know nor understand why black men got the Priesthood keys later than white men.

I don't understand for one minute the entire polygamy thing.

I don't know why really bad things happen to children.

I don't understand the whole pre-mortal, after-life deal - other than I believe that it's a thing, but if I spend time trying to figure it all out in my head, then I'll question it away. 

So, I leave it.

I know that I feel the Spirit of good and comfort when I listen to music and when I listen to the talks of apostles.

I believe that when I do good, I feel the Spirit.

When I don't do good (daily), I feel a negative, empty, scary feeling which is not the Spirit.

I go to church to take the Sacrament and to love on my Primary children. 

Then I go home.

I do my best to ignore the people part of the Church.

There are good people and bad people in all religions.

I don't care what religion you claim to belong to, you are no better or worse than any other human.

We all have the same value and worth.

We are ALL God's children.

Period.

The first two commandments, as I know them, tell us to love God the Eternal Father, and then to love all of His children with the same amount of love.

ALL OF GOD'S CHILDREN.

Not just the ones who do as we think they should.

Not just the ones who belong to the same religion as us.

Not just the ones who look and act like we do.

ALL of them.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

The addict, the single, the divorced, the widowed, the lost, the ones that look different than us, the ones who do have children, the ones who don't.

We are all broken.

We are all His.

Take me to THAT church!

Awww The Good Stuff

I believe that I told you about a direct, incredibly tangible answer to a prayer that took place a couple of months ago.

However, I am going to repeat it.

When I found out that my therapist, Katryna, was moving - I panicked a lot.

A lot.

Not only was she the absolute perfect fit for me when it came to therapy and treatment, there was also a very real connection spiritually with her.

She and I share the same belief in God, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. 

My treatment and recovery, therapy and life-changing skills has been very much spiritual as much as it has been developmental, emotional, mental, and even physical.

I had a sudden and very real fear that I would be losing the spiritual part of it.

The very week that I found out Katryna was leaving, a new couple was announced in Church.

When TR and Amber stood, I gasped out loud.

Now, the people in my congregation know me well enough to know that I'm not exactly reverent. 

I'm sassy and loud and feisty.

But after I gasped, I started to cry.

Sitting there crying after they announce new people in the congregation was probably a bit confusing to those sitting around me.

Nothing new, really.

TR and Amber had been in my recovery group twice before.

TR is a recovering addict.

Amber is his wife, who I kid you not is going straight to Heaven - whatever that is!

STRAIGHT to Goodness!

I remember being so taken by them when they would share in group.

These were my people!

TR is a big guy - very intimidating.

Amber is petite, more quiet - but holy moly does she have things to say!

I fell in love with them right away.

They are very well known in the addiction recovery community around these parts.

They speak in firesides often.

They are outspoken about TR's addiction, recovery, and what the loved ones go through when they are supporting an addict, and then a recovering addict.

And, here they were.

Moving into my neighborhood and my congregation.

Coincidence?

I don't believe in coincidences.

It was a direct answer to my pleas to God.

I spoke to them recently at a function.

I told them that it was probably my fault that they moved into the neighborhood.

They told me that they were taken aback when they found out they would have to move.

They prayed about where they needed to go.

And they knew it was into this neighborhood, but they didn't know why until I told them.

Welcome!!

They are now missionaries, and their role is to facilitate ARP 12-step groups.

Fast forward to this past Sunday...

TR and Amber were sitting on the stand.

Oh my goodness, I have never been more excited to have speakers than I was Sunday.

I couldn't wait for the rest of the congregation to listen to them!!

I smiled the biggest smile ever for the entire 45 minute meeting!

These people are real.

They are as Christ-like as they come.

They both spoke about TR's addiction, and about his recovery -

And not just the physical recovery of remaining clean, but the spiritual recovery...

The one where they realized that God never stopped loving them..

Because that's not a thing, People.

The one where they realized that He loved them all along...

That Church was still for them, that it always had been!

That recovery is so much spiritual, emotional, and mental!

That we have to learn to feel our feelings - they aren't dangerous!

That we are still worthy - our value never changes...

And TR ended his talk by saying this:

Our spirits are strong.

They are stronger than our bodies.

We just need to remember that our Spirit is in control, not our body.

Read that again and again and again.

We ARE our spirits.

We ARE our souls.

We just HAVE a body.

They invited EVERYone to attend ARP meetings.

I cannot agree more.

If you are an addict, attend them.

If you are not sure if you are an addict, attend them.

If you are a loved one of an addict, attend them.

If you don't understand addiction, attend them.

If you think you understand addiction, attend them.

ATTEND THEM.

Breathe

The gym has been different as of late.

I have to be very careful what I do and how long I do it for with my broken heart.

I have added a little sauna work to it the last few days.

I go in.

I plug my phone into a guided body scan meditation. 

I close my eyes.

I lean back.

I meditate.

My muscles and my bones warm up.

And I just breathe.

In and out.

In and out.

In and out.

Meditation is essential for me.

It is self care to the enth degree!

The things I learn about myself are incredible during that daily time.

I breathe in and out.

In with the peaceful, clean, comfort, solace, submissive, light...

Out with the fear, comparison, envy, anger, sadness, fatigue...

Just breathing.

Decisions

 Rather than resolutions, I made New Year's Decisions.

That sounds much more accountability-like to me.

And, I do me. 

So, decisions it is.

One of them was that T and I would spend a day together once every other month.

We NEVER see each other.

Seriously - maybe once a year!

Not okay. 

I need her.

I need time with her!

So, Saturday was the day.

We floated in the capsule for 60 minutes.

We partook of the oxygen bar.

We ate a lot of food.

Because, you know - eating is my jam.

We went and got gourmet cookies.

We laughed!

We talked and talked.

I got to hug my girl.

Life gets so busy.

It gets so repetitive.

It gets so existing-only..

She has little ones still.

She works full time at home.

I work four jobs.

I have four boys.

I feel like I was not making time with her a priority.

No more of that!

We HAVE to make things a priority.

Life is not just about existing.

It's about enjoying and making memories!

Self Care - Compassion

Once again, I have not been to the gym all week.

This is a very difficult thing for me, mentally.

Emotionally.

Spiritually.

Physically.

However, it has been a few weeks of physical difficulty to GO to the gym.

With my heart not quite set on how it wants to pump blood right now, going to the gym has been a frightening thought.

On top of that, my heart issues are exhausting.

I am too damn tired to go to the gym.

I'm too tired to do anything other than get my bed ready to climb into at 5:30 every day.

So, that's what I've done.

I'm not good at doing this.

But, recently I have had no other option.

There has been no other choice.

No gym.

No dashing.

No nothing.

Just bed for hours.

This has quite literally been an act of survival for me in recent weeks, and even the last couple of months.

I long to go to the gym, but just can't get there.

Self Care, for me, is more than the acts of going to the gym & exercising, taking a bath, coloring, baking, meditation, getting my finger nails painted...

It is also SO much about compassion and grace toward myself.

It has been about allowing myself to feel tired and resting.

It has been about allowing myself to feel sad and depressed because I'm not able to exercise.

It's been about not judging any of it.

Just allowing it.

And asking my God for patience and mercy.

Not Everyone's Cup of Anything

My Ali got me this mug.

It reads, "Welcome to the Shit Show."

If this mug wasn't meant for me... I'm not sure what it was made for!

I love this mug for so many reasons!

First of all, it's HUGE.

Like, ice cream worthy for real!

Secondly, it adequately and rather perfectly describes the show I am running on a daily basis!

Third, it reminds me that I am not everyone's cup of tea. or cup of anything for that matter... and I'm OK with that.

Finally.

Think about it:

Not everyone liked Martin Luther King.

Not everyone liked Marilyn Monroe.

Not everyone liked Derek Jeter. (which I'll never understand)

Not everyone likes Donald Trump. Or Tom Brady. Or Justin Beiber.

This isn't going well.

I just sort of compared Justin Beiber and Donald Trump to Martin Luther King, Jr.

But, hopefully you get the idea.

Not everyone liked our Savior.

Still, not everyone likes our Savior.

And yet, He loves them anyways.

He suffered for them anyways.

He continues to advocate for all of us anyways.

He CHOSE to be our Savior anyways.

Not everyone is going to like me.

Or even tolerate me.

And, that's ok.

I'm not for everyone!

And, that's ok.

We get to be our best selves without worrying about what other people accept about that.

And, that's perfect!

Lies

This right here.

Is a lie.

First of all, we have no moral obligation to act any way that is not real.

Period.

We do not have a moral obligation to be something we are not.

Period.

That quote makes me feel angry.

And sad.

And anxious.

Period.

This right here.

Is true.

And good. 

Yesterday, I was angry.

And sad.

And scared.

And anxious.

I did not feel happy.

At all.

I messaged T and gave her a list of everything that I hated in that moment.

She didn't say, "I'm sorry. But be grateful for this and this..."

She didn't say, "Oh, Heidi. Choose joy!"

She said, "I hate it too."

I thanked her right away for not telling me to feel happy.

I thanked her for hating right along with me.

Being happy all the time is not normal.

It isn't even healthy.

In fact, it's not a thing!!

Feeling other feelings does not make us any less worthy, either!!

We, in fact, DON'T get to choose our feelings.

It is not a thing.

We can choose our actions.

I allowed myself to feel everything that I was feeling.

I didn't judge myself for it.

I cried.

I vented.

I talked out loud to God.

I went home.

I hugged Colton for a really, really long time.

And I went to bed.

Not Helpful

I have stated over and over again that bullying is prolific with adults.

We wonder aloud why children are bullies.

We need only to look at the adults in and around us to see why that is.

I was watching a FB Live last night.

It was a girl who sells Younique.

Every single Live that she does is filled with comments insulting every single thing about her.

And yet, she keeps at it.

She continues to be kind and friendly and happy while on camera.

But, in her heart I can only imagine that the comments that adults are making every day are hurtful and are damaging.

I don't understand it.

I don't understand what good people think comes from saying mean things.

Or saying anything at all.

I have learned, too, that some people don't "intend" to hurt people when they say things.

What DO they intend to do then?

What IS their intention??

When there is the option to keep your mouth shut... USE THAT OPTION.

Don't write things that are hurtful or demeaning or selfish or inflammatory.

Don't type things on your phone or on your computer to other people that have no positive at all.

Just don't say anything at all!

In particular, as an addict -

People feel that they actually have the right to say things.

And, the best part (insert sarcasm) is that they feel that if they say things to other people and not to me directly, they are somehow doing good.. or "helping" me... or "helping" my children.

News flash: that is not helping anyone.

At all.

It is hurting people.

It is hurting me.

It is hurting my children.

When people are saying positive things about themselves, in an attempt to compare and contrast their character to someone else's...

News flash: that is not helping anyone.

Please remember that no one on this planet has more worth or value than anyone else.

There are not big sins and little sins.

We all came from the same place.

We were all created by the same being.

Don't think that because you feel that your sins are less than, or are less intentional, or are less noticeable, or are less problematic that you will somehow be exalted about someone who you deem to be more sinful or more hurtful.

That's not how life works.

If you don't want to watch someone.

If you don't want to look at someone.

If you don't want to listen to someone.

If you don't want to be around someone.

Then don't.

But keep your mouth shut in the process.

Because your judgements; your insults; your accusations; your words; your actions:

In the end only reflect on you.

I Just Got Permission

I had my neuro check on Friday.

Bless their hearts.

They continue to save me.

For real. For real.

I was talking to my NeuroPsychologist.

Whom I love.

And she is for real for real.

I was trying to explain a feeling I was having that I was not understanding.

I have a SERIOUS issue with judging my emotions and feelings, which is how they get stuck and how I get stuck in them...

She talked me through it, then I started talking about some other aspect of the feeling...

She stopped me and said, "Heidi! That is NOT your problem. That is not your issue!"

Oh.

She discussed what a red flag should be for me.

I mean, it would seem obvious to other people... but it was like light bulb moments for me!

We talked about the fact that I want everyone to like me - not to hate me - and I don't want to hurt feelings. 

So, with people who are idiots, she suggested that I reply with "Poor Baby!"

I told her that I felt overjoyed that I had just been given permission to tell people that their perceptions, their feelings, their reactions to me are not my problem and that I don't have to do anything to fix them!!!

Thank you, Meghan

I talked about this on my live yesterday.

Thank you, Meghan.

I read People.com frequently.

It is current events, after all.

However, Wednesday you could read about Meghan and her husband, Prince Harry, on every single news outlet there ever was.

People.com had some competition with this story.

The couple released a statement, basically stating that they are pulling back from all senior duties as Royals, and will be playing a different role, with financial independence, etc.

From the beginning of their relationship, it seems, they have done things differently than Royals prior to them.

Meghan is an American.

She is also bi-racial.

Which, People, means NOTHING.

However, from the start, she has been chastised and bullied and ridiculed and defamed in the media outlets.

In a brutal way.

Now, when I first read the statement that they released my thought was:

Wow. She knew who she was marrying. She knew how it was going to be. Now, she needs to put up with what is expected of her.

I then put soap in my mouth and put myself in timeout.

I could not believe that this was my thought.

Who am I to say what she should and should not do?

Who am I to judge what she, and her husband, feel is the safest life for their family?
Who am I to decide their boundaries?

Heidi Rae.
Get it the eff together!

I stopped and I started to feel an immense amount of compassion for these people.

Can you imagine?

Every single thing you do and say or don't do and don't say is not just known in your small circle, but is expected and even required of you to be all over the news...

Where you go, how you get there, what you wear, what you don't wear, how your hair is done, who works for you, where you live, how you look after having a child... it's ALL OVER the international news.

Whether you are at the family Christmas breakfast or church service...

What you ate seven years ago...

I can't.

And, for her husband - who frankly knows nothing else besides being a Royal...

Who lost his Mum years ago in a horrific incident which was predicated by the same amount of bullying and criticizing that is taking place now...

Who is expected to look a certain way, act a certain way, say certain things, and most of all CONFORM to the way things have been for centuries.

I suddenly had so much appreciation for this couple.

They, together as a couple, as a joint force, said, "No more."

Before we are Royals. 

Before we are part of a tradition.

We are humans.

Married.

Raising a child.

In a world that is brutal.

We will do things our way, with the boundaries that WE set, and we thank you for your support.

And, furthermore...

And, really my favorite part:

At no point in the statement, or in the answering of numerous questions, did they apologize.

NEVER.

Not one sentence started with, "We are sorry to disappoint..."

OR

"We are terribly sorry, but..."

It was instead united, confident, to-the-dang-point, and matter-of-fact.

It was articulate.

It was brave.

It was SO brave.

With no sense of apology.

Or disappointment.

Meghan, thank you.

Thank you for teaching me through this example that is far too public that WE have the ability, and even responsibility, to create our own boundaries.

Despite what others will think.

Thank you for reminding me that our story is just that: OUR story.

No one else gets to decide our chapters.

Thank you for reminding me that far too often, I judge, when I am begging others not to do the same to me.

Thank you, Meghan.

Destination Addiction

My Sweet Sara Law posted this today on social media.

I commented, as I do, because I feel that I'm a bit of an expert on addiction.

At least the kind that I have.

As an addict.

My comments were something to the effect of this:

This really IS an addiction.

Addiction isn't just an adjective.

It's an actual thing.

Again, "addiction" is not just a word to describe people who drink a pack of beer and a fifth of Vodka every day. Although, they belong to the club.

It is not just the house at the end of the alley way where people shoot up heroin or meth or snort crack. Although, they belong to the club.

It is not just people who are addicted to their computer or phone screen and the sex that is plastered all over the screen. Although, they belong to the club, too.

It is not just those who overeat or workout in excess or don't eat or clean to an extreme or shower seven times a day. Although, they belong to the same club as those above.

Addiction can be to destination. To the next activity. To the next trip. To the next purchase. To the next season. To the next year. To the next number on the scale. To the next relationship. To the next check.

We all belong to the same club.

Part of recovery and treatment, among SO many other things, is really living in the present and being comfortable with it.

Whether the present is "boring," "mundane," "scary," "lonely..."

We, everyone, need to stop looking forward to something in the future, something up ahead.

Right now.

Right now, where we are, is right where we are supposed to be.

Whether it is good or bad. Scary or exciting. Frustrating or content.

We have something to be grateful for right now.

We have something to learn right now.

We have something to laugh about or cry about or scream about right now.

Today.

This minute.

Such is addiction.

Learning.

Growing.

Errands

I have often told myself throughout life that sometimes we go through trials, not for punishment, but for the ability to help other mortals through their own trials.

That thought process has comforted me through my life.

If I tell myself that my struggles are here in order to benefit someone else, somehow I feel better about them.

I love this quote SO much.

I absolutely adored President Monson.

What a sweet soul He is.

I also hate the feelings and thoughts that this quote brings to my uneasy mind at times...

How many errands has Heavenly Father had to give to someone else because I was not listening to my assignment?

Because I was not in the right head space to hear what He needed me to do and who He needed me to bless...

Because I was busy mudding up my own soul and was too chaotic to be aware that I was needed...

Those are hard thoughts to reconcile!

I have no doubt that so many of my trials and struggles have given me understanding, compassion, empathy, clarity, etc. so that when another soul is in need of help or comfort or solace or advice - I am able to give that in a way that is very personable.

Because I've been there and done that, I am able to listen and offer help where I can.

What a gift!
What a blessing!

Now, to continue to work on always being spiritually and mentally and emotionally available to hear when and where and with whom I am needed.

That's the key to real happiness, I'm pretty sure!

This picture gets me every single time I look at it.

Talk about being on an errand!

Jackson is out with Foster right now, just loving people.

Serving people.

Helping people.

Laughing with people.

Loving people.

But, this picture symbolizes, to me, what it must look like for each of us on our own errands.

So beautiful.

Can We Hurry This Up?!

This quote.

Talk about a struggle for this girl!

"Let it go."

"Don't try to manipulate or force the outcome."

"Trust God to open the right doors at the right time."

Just like:

"Trust in God's timing."

"Your timing is not the same as God's timing."

Patience has never been a virtue of mine, People.

Like, I am positive that I didn't even get sent down the patience conveyor belt.

Totally got skipped.

Like, let's just get to it!

Like, HELLLLLO!!

Can we hurry this up, please??

I was very blessed to have people around me when treatment, counseling, life-changing began to take place who told me that this was not a quick thing.

This was not a sprint.

Life really isn't supposed to be like that.

In fact, it's a marathon that never ends.

We are never not supposed to learn and grow.

However, there is also that human element that tells us that we want to feel better NOW.

We want to have certain feelings NOW.

We want to have voids filled NOW.

We want to have healing NOW.

And sometimes, that's not the way it is supposed to be.

Sometimes, we are SUPPOSED to struggle through it all.

Sometimes, we are SUPPOSED to get the wrong doors so that we really see what the right door looks like.

So, trust.

Just trust.

Or at least do your best!