Dreams

Kaydon met with Bishop Willis again last night.

This is his third meeting with him, and we have only been in the ward for a few weeks.

Kaydon told me that he told Bishop Willis about a dream he had this week.

In turn, Bishop Willis told Kaydon about a couple of dreams he's had.

Colton said, "Mommy, I think Bishop Willis really cares about us."

Me too, Boogie.

I read them a paragraph from my current book, 
"Holy As You Are."

It's a quote from Elder Oaks.

I love it.

Kaydon said, "Ma, I would go through all of this hurt a hundred more times if it means that you find a man who loves you for eternity."

Oh, Buddha.

Right now, let's focus on Mama being a mama, an auntie, a friend, and a light to those who are desperately seeking it.

 

Watch Out

This sign.

I can't love it enough.

This morning, I woke up and needed some Bee Gees in my life.

And so, YouTube blessed me with dance music for my entire morning.

I bopped in my car down the freeway, singing at the top of my horrible-sounding lungs.

People looked at me as I drove by them...

I am hoping it made them think to turn up their radio as well.

Dancing.

Singing.

Bopping.

They make me happy and less ass hole-ish.

My Chelsi told me that dancing is a way to feel my emotions.

And it is.

In all it's movement and sounds, I find joy in my emotions.

I find a physical way to dance through my hard emotions

So, today I dance.

 

Darkness

I saw these quotes yesterday and I understood my current situation a whole lot better.

When the light comes, the darkness actually CANNOT stand in its presence.

 

Blessings

While Jackson was at our home, I asked he and Kaydon to give me a blessing.

Jackson asked me, "What for this time?"
I took a moment to explain to both of them that I remember, vividly, President Thomas S Monson saying that women should ask for blessings often; that there are great moments of tender mercies in those; the men giving the blessings are humbled and are able to converse with the Lord.

With that, they both placed their hands on my head and Jackson gave me a blessing.

Here is what I never want to forget:

I have been consistently praying, meditating, and pleading with the Father to know my purpose and my next steps. 

I have not told my children this at all.

In the blessing, Jackson said:
"Your role right now is as a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend. Due to your experiences, you are able to bring light to those who are desperate for it. Soon, you will be speaking and helping people with their issues because you, too, have experienced trials and tribulations."

He went on to say that soon, I would have a dream where I would be walking down a path and at the end of the path, I would know my next steps.

I haven't yet had that dream, but I am doing everything in my power to stay in a mindset to be able to receive that dream and to have courage to do the things being asked of me.

Today is hard.

Mike texted me to tell me he has the divorce papers for me to sign.

I have been trying to prepare for this, but this stings.

It hurts.

I loved him.

I thought that was going to be my forever.

So, today I mourn.

I cry.

I let myself feel, then I move on.

 

Lesson from Miss Birdie

Celebrate the "little" things because by small and simple things, great things come to pass.

We are TOO hard on ourselves. 

"Don't be so emotional."

"Don't drag other people through your hard times."

"Don't be too much."
"Don't be not enough."
"Don't share your emotions."
"Keep your feelings to yourself."
"Get over it."

How about:

"I hear you."
"I see you."
"Your feelings are valid."

"You are so imperfectly perfect!"

"I am honored to love you."
"Tell me all the things."
"Let's go through this together."
"You are not alone."

 

Confidence

I believe I can narrow down the timeline of when I felt confidence for the first time.

Ever.

In my entire life.

Ever.

It was my first appointment with Katryna.

I was a mess.

I was a mess; the exact same mess I'd been for 41 years.

It was just finally coming to a head and purging that stupid, imaginary closet where I had stuffed all of my feelings, emotions, troubles, lies, neglect, abuse, anger, fear... all of it.

Katryna asked me, "What makes up your worth?"

This was after she told me what my bishop had said about me.

He's not actually a good person.

My family "teamed up with him" to rid me of my children.

And my value.

And my worth.

Little did they know...

Anywho,

I gave some stellar answers, Y'all.

I mean, I felt confident in these answers.

She wrote them on the white board, which made me feel like I was basically acing that test!

Then, she told me they were all wrong and to go home and really think about this question and when she saw me again in a few day we would talk about it again.

I legit didn't know how I could have possibly failed this test.

I was full of  "bad feelings" the days in between appointments.

I didn't want to go back and not have the right answers.

I didn't want to disappoint her.

I arrived and began discussion.

She asked me what I had come up with.

I shrunk in my seat and told her I didn't know.

Guys, she gave me the answer!

Like, open book except it was open teacher!

I was BORN with my worth.

It is CONCRETE.

It cannot go up or go down.

No matter what!

I was born with it.

Say what?!?!?!?!

Why had no one who "loved me" ever taught me this????

Guys, I was born with it!

Nothing I do or don't do can raise or lower this thing called worth.

It is quite literally divine.

We discussed it for a long while.

I went home ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

T would always call me after my appointments.

I remember telling her about this moment.

I could not believe it.

That Sunday, I attended my first 12-step meeting.

We talked about having hope in God.

Everyone gets to have hope in God because our worth is concrete.

EVEN, and I would venture to say ESPECIALLY addicts, get to have hope in Christ.

It was that moment, sitting in the circle with complete strangers, fellow addicts, the most amazing people I'd ever met.

WE HAVE WORTH.

I can be confident in the fact that I am a daughter of God.

I have concrete worth and value.

I can be confident in that.

Don't get me wrong.

I STILL struggle with surface confidence:

I've gained 15 pounds. But I'm still walking.

My cellulite is moving down to my knees. It's gross.

Can I be financially self-reliant? Well I am right now.

My mind is definitely different since stroke. But I'm still working.

According to people who "love me," I've never been a great mom. Well, here I am still doing the thing.

But, I'm confident.

I am confident in my value.

I don't need to compare myself to anyone else because there is only one me. I'm supposed to be me - not anyone else.

 

The Unpopular Opinion

I am about to talk about something that, I have no doubt, will be unpopular with some.

If you haven't noticed lately, I'm okay with being unpopular.

For those who do not know, I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon).

As a female, growing up in this Church, there were very directed teachings:

Women marry and have children.

Women raise, direct, train the children.

Women are the homemakers.

Women support their husbands.

Women cook, sew, minister, serve, always have it all together...

From Primary (ages 3 - 11), lessons were directed toward this:

Families are Together Forever.

Pictures shown during these lessons always illustrated a man, woman, and children.

When Daddy Comes Home.

Pictures shown during this song illustrated a happy, involved dad coming home from work with the children running to him while the mother stood with her apron, smiling.

From Young Women's (ages 12 - 17), activities and lessons, even the mission statement of the program are all based around marriage, family, and home.

Somehow, the illustrations always showed a "family" which included a father, mother, and children living happily in a nice home - decorated beautifully, always food on the table, children dressed in nice clothes, a husband who worked a 40-hour job and somehow loved every minute of it, who came home and hugged his children and his adoring wife, then sat at the set dinner table to eat up.

Pictures of scripture study always included this nuclear family, everyone sitting reverently, dressed in church clothes, sitting happily in a circle.

Lessons taught us that we needed to do all the things so that we would be "worthy" to marry a "worthy" son of God and multiply and replenish the Earth with amazing, even perfect children.

Then, Relief Society (ages 18 - dead).

All activities and lessons are about home, family, marriage, child-rearing, ministering, serving,  etc. 

So, when I divorced the first time there was nothing other than failure that it could have possibly meant.

Clearly, I wasn't "worthy" to marry and have a family.

Or a home.

Or any happiness.

There was no other explanation.

Imagine me then having four children and being divorced AGAIN.

Gasp!!

Now I'm really not worthy!

Here I am, raising four boys by myself in a religion where there are no pictures of that mess!

Oh, and there were more divorces.

Not to worry, I've met every quota on that!

Here's the issue:

1. This is not real life. Why the lessons taught every single Sunday and at activities is not about the worth ALL people are born with and how to live up to that actual worth - the kind that is unchangeable - is beyond me.

2. Marriage, child-bearing, and perfect scripture study is not a check box for worth.

3. Single women, divorced women, widowed women are some of the very strongest women I have ever known. Let's talk about that.

4. Let's show pictures of ALL family dynamics: single parenting, grandparents raising grandchildren, mixed race relationships, families with members who are disabled, families where the woman is the bread-winner. These are ALL realities in this world and these all deserve to be talked about.

My marital status does not determine my worth, or yours.

The number of children I have raised on my own does not determine my worth.

Let's teach young women, from a very young age, that they can do ANYTHING.

They can have serious career goals and ambitions.

They can serve missions like a bunch of bosses!

They don't actually need to be good cooks or be able to sew a dang thing.

A "home" is a team effort. At least in my home it is.

So, Ladies:

If you never get married, it's OKAY.

If you get divorced 10 times, it's OKAY.

If you have choose not to have children, it's OKAY.

If you are a working mother, it's OKAY.

If you are a stay-at-home mother because you have an awesome-sauce husband or wife, it's OKAY.

People! 

None of these things determine your worth.

It's concrete. 

 

A Few Steps

It's been a little over one month since our lives changed...

For the best.

I wanted to share a few things that I have been doing consistently that I have no doubt are blessing my life, creating stillness, peace, and JOY.

1. Morning devotionals. I have had a personal morning devotional every single morning for four weeks. I have not missed one morning. Weekday, weekend, holiday, day off... It does not matter. This is a non-negotiable. I wake up, make my bed, open my drapes. Then, I immediately pray. After I pray, I read my scriptures. I have not started on a chapter and read through. I open my scriptures every morning and read what I open them to. I end my devotional by doing self affirmations out loud. And, they are always different.

2. Nighttime devotionals. One of the things Erica and I have been working on is me sleeping. So, we devised a routine and I tweaked it a bit. I take my medicine, then I close my drapes, make down my bed, then I pray. After I pray, I meditate. I either do guided meditation or I do personal meditation. During this, I seek stillness. I also practice breathing, posture, forgiveness, and listening. I speak my goals out loud - into my space. Then, I read a book that is spiritual. Currently, I am reading, "Holy As You Are."

Then, I go sleep.

Non-negotiable.

3. Move my body. I MUST get better at this. The jacked up foot has not helped, but no excuses. Moving my body is a must in my life. One hour of exercise. Heart rate up. Sweating. Breathing heavy. Lifting weights. Stretching. Sauna. 

4. Listening to motivational speeches while driving. There are SO many on YouTube.

5. Put time and energy into my children, my home, my business, my job.

6. Clean. Staying clean. Mind. Body. Spirit. My home. My car. My workspace. Keeping things clean and organized. This is HUGE.

7. Take a look at your village. Set clear and concise boundaries.

8. Feel the feelings. I'm learning. I'm getting better. Know that you will have good days and then a bad day will hit and it will hit hard. It'll seemingly come out of no where. Sit with it. Cry when you're sad or hurt. Yell and cuss when you're angry. When you feel lonely, sit with it. Sit with yourself. When you're scared, ask yourself if your fear is based on something life threatening. Breathe. Ground yourself. Don't live in it. 

9. Keep going.

 

Take Off Your Life Jacket

As you know, as part of my nightly devotional with my darn self, I am reading, "Holy As You Are."

Read it.

Get it and read it.

Have tissues ready every single night, though!

Last night I was reading in the chapter about "Ministering."

That word is scary to me.

Like, do I have to go hand out scriptures to people??

NO!

In it, Christie Gardner tells a story about her neighbor and a boy named, Jace.

As you may or may not know, I have to read out loud when I am reading.

Ever since the stroke, I have to read out loud to be able to comprehend and retain what I am reading.

As I was reading last night, I was SOBBING.

Like, could not see the page to be able to read the next sentence.

https://fb.watch/4ZmXhrEbzl/

As I was reading about Jace, the distinct impression was placed upon my heart:

Heidi, I am preparing you to take off your life jacket.

I am preparing you to take off your life jacket, to push off, and to swim...

With the knowledge that I have that you will, indeed, pass the test.

So, keep trying.

The world (those on the deck of the pool) may not believe in you or your ability to do this.

But, I do.

I KNOW what comes next for you if you will keep trying.

Keep practicing.

It will take many, many push-offs.

It will take many, many times in the deep end.

You will sink MANY times.

But, Heidi - you are going to swim and you are going to pass the test.

I am preparing to put my shield back on this week.

In the past, that shield has been disposable to me.

I would put them on, then take them off if I knew I would be "swimming in the deep end."

Not anymore.

This shield, this symbol of my love and integrity on the inside and the outside, will keep me from drowning.

This, I finally know.

It will keep me in line with passing the test.

God's plan is ALWAYS better.

This I know.

 

Holy As You Are

I began reading this book last night.

I am not sure how long I have had it, but it's beautiful.

I wept as I read the introduction and Chapter One.

Wept.

I have found that as I am consciously and constantly seeking my Savior's love over the last almost month, I am changing words in stories or in books to "she" or "Heidi" or "you."

I am making teachings very personal to me.

As I read in 3rd Nephi this morning, I changed many of the words to personalize verses to me and my experiences.

I have meditated for three years now... since the stroke.

It was a prerequisite to being discharged from the hospital.

I had to learn how to meditate and how to do yoga.

However, I am learning SO much about meditation through my Becky Beck and Brooke Snow.

Meditation is not just chanting and sitting cross-legged with your hands on your knees.

It is breath.

Posture.

Forgiveness.

Trying again.

It is listenting.

Slowing your mind.

Trying again.

It is feeling.

Stillness.

Light and love.

It is visualization.

Breathing out the natural man.

Trying again.

It has completely changed the way I pray over the last two or three days.

I has changed the way I visualize over the last two or three days.

I am relying on it to adjust the way I feel about personal revelation (something I have always struggled with).

I have that "intuition" but I've always hoped would turn into an angel coming down and telling me EVERYTHING...

But that doesn't usually happen...

Dang it!

But with meditation, I am getting there!!!

 

Meditation

 My Becky Beck sent me a link yesterday.

It was to a podcast, featuring Brooke Snow. I had never heard of Brooke Snow before Becky Beck. I listened to the podcast and loved it. At the end of the podcast, Brooke led listeners through a meditation. It was extra-ordinary. Brooke uses meditation as part of her daily prayer practice. It was so incredible. I did it again last night, and plan to do it every night for 40 straight nights. 

She asks us to do something in the meditation. She asks us to ask God what our next step is. It is something that can be accomplished within 24 hours. It is something that will keep us moving forward. It is something that God would have us to according to HIS plan. 

I'm all-in on that!

https://brookesnow.com/

Vulnerability

My Miss Birdie sent this to me yesterday.

And, I read it a few times.

It is SO true.

I am completely vulnerable.

I was completely vulnerable.

And it broke me.

But, I can't imagine not having ever loved.

 

From Katryna

My Katryna (therapist) posted this last night.

Isn't this the truth?

Real talk:

There have been a LOT of things that have left major cracks in my body and my soul:

Divorces.

Stroke.

My children's physical health ailments.

My parent's divorce.

Perry's death.

Knowledge of my addiction and recovery.

But this.

This right now.

This has literally threatened to destroy my soul.

I get that part of that is because I'm feeling ALL the feels for the first time in my lifetime.

But, this has taken a toll.

This has dropped me to my knees more than a few times.

I have cried tears for hours on end.

I have said the "F" word more than a few times.

I have used the word "hate" a LOT.

I have struggled to breathe on occasion; struggled to eat on a lot of occasions; struggled to sleep almost nightly.

I have watched my boys go through all of the emotions as well, talking about how they loved Mike and trusted him.

I did, too.

BUT.

There's always a but.

Through it all, I am learning very intimately WHO I am meant to be.

WHO I can trust for constant validation (God).

WHO I can be.

I am learning that I can do crazy-hard stuff over and over and over again.

I am learning that most things don't really matter, and the things that do are within our grasp.

I am learning that Schitt's Creek is the best laugh on the daily.

I am learning that motivational speeches on my way to work or to the gym are pretty awesome.

I am learning that my morning devotionals are non-negotiables.

I am learning that I really can cook pretty okay.

I am learning that I am loved, more than I can even comprehend.

I am learning that it's okay to walk on the treadmill at 1.5 speed with a big, fat boot on my left foot.

I am learning that gratitude is Godly.

I am figuring it out.

One day at a time.

One hour at a time.

I don't know how people continue on through trials without a faith in a higher power.

I just don't.

 

#fact

Literally:

My assistants said to me this morning:
"We know why you were put into our lives, Heidi. It's so we can be grateful that our lives are so, darn easy."

I wasn't sure whether I should thank them, cry, curse the ground I walk on, or laugh.

So, I did all of the above.

I STILL pray every morning and every night, offering thanks to God.

I know that He is the only reason why we are still going.

Slow as it may be.

We ARE going.

And we are going forward and that is the direction we ought to be going, so I'm good.

You know what else?
Just in the last month, I have had SO many messages from people who say, "I am going through something so similar and you keep me going."

That is another testament to me that we go through things in our lives often times so that we can help others who are in the same situation.

We really ARE all in this together.

 

Progress

This image is one of my new favorites.

I remember looking at the set of stairs that I was required to climb before I could be released to go home after the stroke.

I remember thinking, "I HAVE to do this. I want to go home to my babies. There is no turning back!"

So, with my physical therapist behind me on the way up and below my on the way down and with Rand on the side of me, cheering me on - I climbed the first flight. 

Then the second...

Then the rest of the 12 flights.

Then, I headed down said 12 flights of stairs.

I could NOT believe I had done it!

But, I did it.

And I look back on those moments now and I am SOOO grateful I never gave up.

The same can be said for now.

I have come a LONG ways.

I didn't look back 2 1/2 weeks ago and beg for things to be different.

I gathered my children, and through tears and shaking and trembling, I told them to raise their heads up.

We prayed.

We prayed some more.

I cried on T.

I cried on Cyd.

I cried non-stop.

But then we got up again and we did what had to be done.

We will look back on this moment right now and we will look at our progress and we will be SO glad we didn't give up!

 

Hard!

I messaged Katryna yesterday morning:

"Is it normal to feel sad and hurt and confused today when I've been feeling days of hope and acceptance?"

Because let's face it, I am still new to this emotion thing and I feel like I'm going backwards.

Yes, it has only been 2 1/2 weeks, but I felt like I was doing SO good.

Then, BOOM.

Sad.

Hurt.

Confused.

Betrayed.

"Broken."

I was getting used to the hopeful and accepted feelings.

But, such is life.

Turns out this is all very normal.

Healthy, even.

At least that's what the professionals say.

But, hard.

Miss Birdie sent me these yesterday.

Someday we just need different things.

Yesterday, I wanted to stay home and cry.

I didn't want to go to the gym.

So, I made sure I went to the gym.

I know I have to keep going; I have to keep trying.

I know that I am not alone.

But, I sure feel lonely.

And... it's all normal.

 

That's My Girl

Multiple times through General Conference last weekend, my favorite scripture was quoted.

It's in the Bible.

It tells us that God can give us peace, nothing like what the world would give us...

REAL peace.

I cannot get enough of this quote.

We do not have to wait to hear "Well Done" from anyone.

Heavenly Father is always, always wanting to smile and say, "That's my girl!"

I have a hard time being "proper" when it comes to praying or speaking.

I am not good with the "thee" and the "thou."

I talk to my Father like He is sitting beside me, or laying on the bathroom floor next to me, or sitting right behind me when I'm in my car crying.

I talk to Him like he is on the treadmill next to me.

So, this quote is exactly how I feel I would hear Him talking to me and I cannot love it enough!

 

Aware

I testify that our Heavenly Father and Mother are aware of us.

They know our needs and, because of that, they will help us perfectly.

I testify that He knows the details of the details of the details.

I testify that His plan is perfect for us.

I testify that He knows long before we know.

I testify that He will help us perfectly.

Jackson gave me a Priesthood blessing last night.

In it, he reminded me of my agency and to use it right.

He also promised me that, if I am worthy, I will be blessed with all things.

After the blessing, I asked him what he thought that meant - how I can be more worthy.

He said, "I guess you'll have to ask Him that."

So, I did.

And, I will continue to.

I believe strongly that we don't have to be completely worthy to receive blessings.

However, in order to receive ALL of the blessings available to us, we must be ready.

And, in order to be ready for some of the, we must be worthy.

I would not have listened, or watched, all of Conference if my life was what it was two weeks ago.

I would have missed out on hearing the voices of leaders speaking to my soul with just the right messages for me.

Heavenly Father knew this.

He knows everything.

Perfectly.

 

Weekly Summarization By Me

Friday.

Welcome to you, Friday!

This is my weekly round-up. 

By me.

1. I didn't run. I DID NOT run. I stayed in. I stayed all-in. 

I felt everything.

All of it.

And, rather than seeking peace or validation or distraction from any humans -

I sought out my Heavenly Father, my therapists, my kitchen cabinet people and I stayed in.

2. Being at the bottom of the human revine gives us the opportunity to enter into holy places with God. There is not a soul on Planet Earth who can bring us peace, who can map out a path for us, who can give us the tangible, physical comfort that God can.

When we are in serious trauma; when we are going through the hardest, most sad, most heart-wrenching times of our life; when we feel broken, shattered, unable to go on; when we cannot see beyond this moment... we have the ability, the very sacred ability to form a relationship with God.

3. Don't forget this feeling. I have done a lot of internal audits over the last two weeks. Some have looked like, "Heidi, you are going to go in this store. You are going to be safe. You are worthy to be here. Your feet are touching the ground.  You are okay." Others have looked like, "Heidi, don't ever lose this spiritual high." While others have looked like, "Heidi. One more breath."

But, all of them have looked like, "Heidi, don't forget this feeling right now. Don't forget that you lived through anger. Don't forget that you cried through sadness. Don't forget that you went to that store and you came out alive. Don't forget that Heavenly Father IS aware of you, He has put in place every single human who you need right now, He loves your boys, He has given you prayer, meditation, scriptures, and peace. Don't forget this peace."

4. I am eating. I have had two nights of sleep that were good. I am exercising my body. I am working. I am cleaning my home. I am doing the things. I have created boundaries for myself and if people don't like them, that's okay. I am not here to create boundaries for them. I am here to create boundaries for me. I am unafraid to share my story. It's ugly. It is an ugly story. But, it is my story and my story is worthy.

 

Therapy

I met with Erica yesterday.

As I've mentioned before, I have two therapists.

Erica is part of my neuro team. Her role is to keep me alive.

Katryna is my other therapist. She moved to Florida last year, but we still text and message. Her role is to keep my salvation in somewhat good standing! :)

Both ladies are no-nonsense, to the point, badass broads!

Both love me.

Both want me to be my very best self.

Therapy is IMPERATIVE.

I truly believe this.

Finding a good match for you is also imperative.

That doesn't mean that you choose someone who is just so happy with you and tells you everything is roses and daisies...

That's what you DON'T want.

But, finding someone who gets you and your soul is so important.

Yesterday, Erica and I talked about anger and my legit fear of it.

We talked about my current anxiety about leaving my house and going anywhere.

We talked about my mama-bearism.

We talked about moving my body.

We discussed ways to get me to sleep. I am REALLY needing sleep.

We talked about holding my head high every time I go anywhere.

We discussed my worth, and the fact that we are not defined by our emotions.

Then, I said I thought three months was too far out, so maybe six weeks.

She started laughing.
"Heidi, we are going back to every two weeks for a while."

And, that's why I love her!