I'm An Addict

I was watching an interview yesterday.

It was with the sweet girl from "Juggling the Jenkins."

I don't know much about her, although I follow her on Facebook because her videos make me laugh and are SO real... which can be very different from what we see on social media.

The Today Show was interviewing her.

She is an addict.

She was addicted to alcohol and drugs.

She said something in this interview that resonated with me, and that has not left my mind since I heard it yesterday.

She said, "I'm an addict. Because I'm an addict, I can be addicted to anything: watching Netlix, food, my phone... I no longer drink alcohol or do drugs, but I am still an addict."

Truth dot com.

I'm an addict.

And, although I am no longer searching for affection, affirmation, adoration, and love... I'm an addict.

I can easily become addicted to food or the gym or Hulu tv series...

I am an addict.

Being an addict is not about WANTING whatever it is we are addicted to...

It becomes a necessity to our existence.

We are not addicted, necessarily, to our "drug of choice," 

We are addicted to escaping our reality...

Our neglect, our abuse, our lack of understanding, our lack of feelings, our desperate need for acceptance, etc.

I'm an addict.

I will always be an addict.

Non-Traditional Holidays

Every year, our holidays are a bit different.

We have been in different homes, with different people.

Most of the time, we have spent Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve with grandparents.

This year, we will be doing things on our own... with Jackson an entire continent away!

The boys asked that I make our Thanksgiving dinner at home.

I had them invite their dad.

I will make the traditional turkey, stuffing, real mashed potatoes, cherry cream pie, banana cream pie, and homemade rolls.

Braxton said he'll then head down to Sandy to visit.
He will probably take Colton with him.

Kaydon will be working on Thanksgiving night.

I will be dashing.

Sometimes as our lives change, and our perspective changes - our routines change.

Change is inevitable.

And change is okay.

I am so grateful for my little five-person family.

As my boys get older, I look forward to it expanding.

But, for now - our cozy little family of five is all that I need.

The Weight

T sent me this picture this morning.

Can you picture yourself as this red-headed daughter of God, carrying the weight of the world at times?

Can you picture yourself exhausted, depleted, drained?

Can you picture yourself all by yourself? 

With the weight of so much on your shoulders?

I can.

And I know you can, too.

There are times when we all feel the weight of it all on our shoulders; 

weighing on our hearts;

ripping through our souls.

Tearing us apart little by little.

This quote, though.

Heavenly Father does not take our trials from us.

He doesn't.

That's not the point.

But, as we listen -

And, when we are in a position to hear -

He will help us find a way through our problems.

Not around them.

Not removing them from us.

He will help us find a way THROUGH them.

They are here for a reason.

We NEED them.

And, in the end - I believe that we will have been grateful for them.

I received a card from B Beck this week.

A way through my trials.

I receive a message from my T every blasted day.

A way through my trials.

She sent dinner for my starving children.

A way through my trials.

My sister-in-law brought the babies over Saturday for an hour.

A way through my trials.

My boys send me texts every day, "I love you, Ma."
A way through my trials.

I am able to work four jobs.

A way through my trials.

I get to teach primary children, one with special needs.

A way through my trials.

We are being given a Thanksgiving dinner feast.

A way through my trials.

I have the best neuro team known to man.

 A way through my trials.

My kids make me watch stupid podcasts that make me laugh.

A way through my trials.

The Priesthood is in my home.

A way through my trials.

Prayer.

A way through my trials.

And boundaries.

A way through my trials.

All of these things help to remove the weight of my trials, or at least remind me that I need not carry them on my own.

That's not necessary.

God does not expect ANY OF US to carry our trials on our own.

None of us.

Just Maybe

I haven't done a post simply detailing and describing and defining my addiction.

I have had many people ask me what my addiction is.

There have been many other people ask other people what my addiction is...

P.S. that's not how we do it, Loves.

When I began recovery/therapy/group, I felt that perhaps my addiction wasn't as important as others.

Perhaps my addiction wouldn't be respected, or worthy of treatment.

Maybe my addiction was even recognized as an addiction.

It was within minutes of therapy, of group, of recovery that I realized I was so wrong.

An addiction is an addiction.

An addict is an addict. 

Addictions are not just defined as chemical-based.

The actual definition of addiction is:

the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.

I am an addict.

With an addiction.

Originally, it was believed that my addiction was to men.

And, let me be clear that my addiction had/has nothing to do with sex or pornography.

Although, those are very real addictions for other people.

We soon learned in therapy that my addiction is to people - male and female.

Anyone who could and would give me attention, time, affection, affirmation.

My addiction is very cyclical, by the way.

Most addictions are.

I would "find someone" to fill my addiction, then within weeks or a couple of months, I would leave that person before they could "hurt" me.

Note: I rarely found good people.

Note: I rarely had a good relationship with anyone. If fact, I can count the number of "good"relationships on one hand.

When people are abused and neglected, they have been taught that love can co-exist with abuse.We rationalize being hurt by other adults by insisting that they love us.

The same really can be said for addictions to chemicals.

My journey through recovery has been HARD.

It's been heartbreaking.

It's taken my breath away more than once.

It's been sad and infuriating.

It's also been like an entire lifetime has been lifted off of my shoulders. 

I feel more free now than I have ever felt.

I am making good, strong decisions.

I have learned that my life is a journey, and not a journey to find love and affection and affirmation from outside of me.

It's a journey to find that within myself, and from God.

And, it's a beautiful walk.

Answers Come to Prayers

As I began the recovery process, I felt that my testimony literally fell into the street.

The street where dirty tires on beat up cars roll by.

The street where garbage is strewn.

The street where people come and where they go.

Think about that for a minute.

Whilst deep into my addiction, I didn't question my testimony.

It wasn't until I started recovery that I REALLY questioned what it was that I thought I believed.

Now, there were outside people and experiences that certainly added to me questioning what I thought I had always believed.

But, now.

Now.

Now was the time when my testimony was on my mind a lot.

We discussed this in therapy.

I discussed this with T.

I thought about it a lot.

In fact, I felt it was on my mind constantly.

One night in Group, a recovering addict (female) talked about how she had decided that she was starting over with her testimony and her conversion.

She had taken steps to really strip herself of her outward testimony, or belief.

She was placing herself at the start line and she was going to make sure that what she thought she'd always believed was real to her still.

I found so much integrity in that.

I so admired her resolve to start all over again.

I also admired her husband, who respected her and supported her in this decision.

It was time for me to do the same.

Never have I ever questioned the reality of God, or His Son.

Never have I questioned that I was His daughter.

But, where was He?

Was I loveable?

Was I too far gone and too far removed from His love?

For real.

Now, of course T told me no.

Katryna told me ne.

But, I needed to know for me.

I began to REALLY pray.

Like, just to talk to Him.

About whatever I felt like saying.

Whenever I felt like saying it.

In whatever way felt right for me to say it.

This was not always the spiritually correct way of doing it... whatever that even means.

I found value in these moments.

I found truth in these moments.

Prayer is where it's at for me.

Although there are countless answers to my prayers daily, and some too personal to share on my blog, I want to discuss a few VERY real answers to my prayers:

1. Dashing: Every door dashing shift begins with a prayer. It is always a very descriptive prayer. We pray for safety. We pray that my health will remain strong. We pray that the car will function properly. Then we pray for our specific financial needs. We pray that God will make up the difference for us. The answers to these prayers have been SO real, SO tangible that it's almost shocking. "Almost" shocking because it shouldn't be shocking, but I continue to be amazed by the real witness that God knows me and my boys. He knows our needs. He knows that I am giving it everything I have. And, He TRULY is making up the difference.

2. Saturday was a ROUGH dashing day. In the first five hours, we had only made $40 of the $150 we needed to make that night. We had two really, really hard experiences with restaurants, and thus the customers waiting for two hours for their food. I told Colton five hours in that we were just going to quit and go home. Colton, who I guarantee sees and hears things the rest of us don't, said, "No, Mom. We are scheduled for three more hours. We don't quit. I will say another prayers." He did. And, in the next one and a half hour, we laughed, we rejoiced, we were kept safe and we made up the difference needed. Literally.

3. Our financial needs are being met in other, very surprising ways. One lender sent me a message Saturday. It read, "Please accept your December payment paid in full as a Christmas gift from us." That is a $200 payment that is paid in full for December.

4. Since finding out that Katryna was leaving, I have not been worried about counseling, as I have a neuro team at IMC that I will continue to see. I have been worried about the spiritual aspect of her leaving. More than half of my counseling is spiritual in nature. I have been losing sleep over this worry. Yesterday, in Sacrament Meeting, a new couple was introduced into our ward. I kid you not, People - the couple is a husband and wife who have attended Group multiple times. They are very well known recovering addicts in our area. They do firesides and other activities for recovering addicts and now they are in OUR WARD. For real. For real.

5. I am so grateful for the faith that my children have. I am so grateful that they, too, believe in prayer and the that they believe that when they pray, their prayers will be answered.

Not Always As it Seems

Beautiful People, WE can do hard things.

We are made of more than just our bodies and our wounded hearts.

We are made of the things of eternity.

We have not been "set up" to fail.

We are better, stronger, and more loved than we can even imagine.

As I continue my journey through discovery, learning, finding out, and figuring out...

I learn that so many things that we hear in life everyday are not always true.

They aren't always as they seem.

For instance, this quote:

When someone has been abused, neglected, gone through trauma of any kind - their ability to CHOOSE their response may not be ALL up to them.

We are made up of our experiences.

What we do with what we have been given is not always a conscious choice.

In fact, it may be a very subconscious reaction to the event based on what they have experienced, been taught through actions, been shown through actions, etc.

When we learn better;

When we discover better;

When we are lovingly given understanding of better;

THEN we can CHOOSE better.

But, not before.

It's just not possible.

Our brains are not working that way.

Is that an excuse to do evil?

No!

However, it is a good way to understand why sometimes people make choices that we just shake our heads at and don't fathom.

For instance, I am under-developed in my emotions and feelings.

Due to that, my choices have not been the best choices.

However, they were my choices based on what I THOUGHT was right or worthy or responsible.

Those choices made no sense to a lot of people, even me at times...

But they were my choices based on what I had.

Now, I have so much better.

I am becoming more and more developed in understanding feelings and emotions.

With that development comes better choices...

Or at least the ABILITY to make better choices.

And my choices are looking different now than they have ever looked in 42 years.

Growth.

Learning.

Discovery.

Tools.

Change.

Looking Around

Yesterday, I was on the treadmill at my gym.

Yup, I was there.

Walking.

Moving.

My Tony came up on my right and was telling me stories from their Vegas trip.

My Sergio was on my left, and waited his turn to tell me all about his medical testing this week.

My Sunday Walking Buddy (whose name I still know not) came in, looked at the two of them, shook his head, put his hands in the air and walked back out!!

He apparently felt that the other 30 treadmills were just not good enough if he couldn't watch CNN whilst walking next to me in silence while I watched sports!

I haven't lifted for a couple of weeks.

Just walking.

Moving.

Reminding myself that my life is good.

It is blessed.

Although symptoms are worsening, I am still able to do things they never thought I'd do.

And, I'm not running - physically or emotionally.

Afterall, I HATE running.

While I talked to Sergio about his testing (the same testing I have done regularly), he reminded me that we are both living.

We both know that one day, we will cease living.

But until then, we both are choosing life.

Sergio is around 60 years old.

When he talks, everyone listens.

Everyone knows Sergio.

Our bond is our health issues.

He told Tony yesterday that he talks to no one like he talks to me because he knows I understand.

And, the same can be said for how I talk to him.

Each day, I am so grateful for better understanding, a clearer mind, a mind that actually thinks with a more developed feeling monitor...

I am grateful that I am able to talk myself through thoughts and emotions, experiences and activities.

Each day and night, prior to door dashing, I say a prayer.

I pray for safety.

I pray for the health and strength I will need.

I pray that my brain will hold up under the pressure.

I also pray with thanks.

Every single dash I get, every single delivery I get, I tell God I am thankful.

A grateful heart really does provide more abundance.

It provides more joy in our journey.

There is always good.

Our lives really are pretty amazing, despite all of the not-so-amazing parts.

Update on Me

Five Months.

I have been in the midst of changing my life, and thus the lives of my children, for five months.

It has not been a perfect five months, but it has been a wonderful five months!

No relapse.

Read that again!

No relapse.

I feel healthy and I feel strong mentally.

I have not run.

Not once.

I am learning, still, to feel all of the feelings.

Even to sit with them.

To be uncomfortable with them.

To figure out what to do with them - if anything.

To NOT JUDGE THEM.

Not judging our feelings is SO important!

I am present.

For all of it.

I am busy.

All.of.the.time.

I work way too many hours a week, but what that does is gives me the opportunity to work hard to take care of our financial effects and issues.

It also keeps me busy with positive.

And, I can take my kids with me!

I have not been on a date in five months.

That might not seem like much, People.

For me, it's a freaking record!

RECORD.

Five weeks would have been a record.

When someone has dealt with trauma for a long time - it is extremely difficult to just stop what they have done for so long to self-soothe.

Hard.

That's the go-to.

Whatever it is:

Drinking, eating, exercising, pornography, gaming, gambling, drugs, sex, people...

Even though those things don't make us feel better in the long run, they are our go-to for just long enough to not feel.

So, not using those as a go-to is a BIG step.

Because now, we have to feel.

Add on top of that the fact that I am very under-developed when it comes to feelings, 

we have on our hands a HOT MESS!

But, I'm doing it.

We are doing it.

This quote:

I am learning to be kind and compassionate with me.

Just the way I am.

I am learning to give myself the adoration that I need, and not expect it from anyone else.

I am learning that I am enough.

Always have been.

I am also LOVING the fact that I am able to stop and ask myself questions like:
"Is he really someone I would even want to talk to?"

"Is he really someone I'm even attracted to?"

"Is he someone that I really even want to bring around my kids?"

"Is she someone that will root for my rise?"
"Is she someone I can trust?"

"Is she someone who will talk behind my back?"

The fact that I am able to take just a few seconds to ask, and to answer, those questions for myself is a huge undertaking!

What am I NOT doing great at?
Group!

I have not been in a few weeks.

I work on Sundays after church, then I am exhausted and go to bed.

I have two choices: I buck up and continue to go on Sunday nights, or I switch nights.

I HAVE to go to group.

It is my priority right now - to get back to group.

REST!

I feel like I don't have time for rest.

Working so many hours has made rest pretty hard to come by.

It has to be a priority!

Routine.

I am a routine person.

With my increased symptoms, it's more important than ever that I really stick to routine.

This includes going to the gym.

Yoga.

I also need to REALLY focus on reading my scriptures.

I have prayer down!!

But, I need to really focus on my scripture reading.

I need to read the Book of Mormon before April's conference.

And, I will.

Knowing what we are doing great in is important.

Knowing what we need to work on is important.

It's not a put-down to ourselves.

It's a great, honest reminder that we are mortal... that we have things to work on always.

I am SO grateful for this journey!

Happiness

I love this quote.

So much.

Happiness was not a feeling I understood.

Just like all of the feelings and emotions, it is one that I have had to learn.

One of the best parts of happiness, I think, is that it's not up to anyone else.

The second best part of happiness is that no one is expected to be "happy" every minute of every day.

There is an ebb and flow to all emotions.

I really was the person who, all of my life, felt like happiness was something that would come after something...

After I was married...

After I had children...

After I lost weight...

After I had no more crushing financial difficulties...

After I was a better mom...

After after after...

Last week was a bit of a "what's wrong with me" week...

I didn't go to the gym once.

I was exhausted - emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. 

I have increased post-stroke symptoms that are frustrating and confusing and scary.

I didn't make a hot meal for my children once.

They ate things like cheese quesadillas, cold cereal, mac and cheese and sandwiches.

I ate those same things right along with them!

The check engine light came on in my car.

Then it went off.

Now it's back on.

I felt, once again, like happiness was just a little too far off for my reach.

This quote reminded me that this is not ever the case.

I can CHOOSE to be happy in every stage of disappointing, frightening, maddening, sad times.

My kids are still healthy, growing boys - despite the fact that I didn't make a hot meal for them until Sunday and yesterday.

The car is still running and is getting me to where I need to be whilst dashing.

The new symptoms are just part of my "new normal." 

They are what they are and I will keep going regardless.

I went to the gym the last two days and I still know how to use the equipment.

My body still responds well to exercise.

It's OK that I didn't go for a week.

Food prep for this week is done.

I have option to smile through the hard and through the not-so-hard.

And, I do.

Colton made me laugh whilst dashing with me three straight days.

Like, snorting laughter.

Kaydon has super-awesome stories.

Braxton has girls with crushes on him all over the dang valley - some of whom I see whilst dashing.

Awkward!

We should be happy.

But on days when we're not, it's OK!

Be Better

I have said repeatedly that I have no question that I have hurt people in my life.

A lot of people.

In a lot of ways.

Never intentionally.

That, I can assure you.

But I have hurt people, nonetheless.

Boundaries that I have created since starting recovery and therapy have caused hurt.

Of this, I have no doubt.

This is not the intention of creating boundaries.

The intention of creating boundaries is to reduce hurt, pain, sadness, triggers, etc.

I want to tell you a very recent story.

One of love, compassion, kindness and charity.

In our family council on Sunday, my children told me of a situation with their father.

They discussed him moving in with us.

I told them that this would be fine.

They already had the logistics worked out in their heads.

Their teenaged heads.

For those of you who don't know, their father was quite abusive during our short time as a family with him. 

There have been moments when that has continued over the 16 years since we left that home.

There has been a lack of support and time from him over the years.

I choose to believe, however, that he is doing the best he can.

I believe that is how my children feel as well.

My children have chosen the high road with their father.

They have chosen to love him, have compassion for him, to help him and to nurture a possible relationship with him.

*I don't know that this living arrangement will actually come to fruition, but the fact that this was their idea is remarkably awe-inspiring to me*

I love this quote.

It is not easy.

Especially not in a world where we have the opportunity to be keyboard warriors and do and say things without ever showing our faces.

Voicing our convictions is a go-to for us.

As it ought to be.

But I have learned that when that would be unproductive, we just simply need to walk away.

Don't respond.

Let it go, as Elsa would say.

Councils

Kaydon attended one of my counseling sessions with me.

This was a very important thing.

There was a whole lot going on behind the scenes with other people.

Kaydon felt physically and mentally torn into pieces.

Kaydon has had a lot of very reasonable anger toward me.

This is not only understandable, but justified.

He met with my counselor and expressed that he had never been more proud of me in my recovery process.

However, he said that he simply had hope that he and I would one day have a good, loving adult relationship.

He mentioned that he wasn't sure that we would ever have a good mother/child relationship at that point.

I listened quietly.

What he said was real and raw and was a beautiful articulation of his feelings.

I wept silently, however I respected his feelings.

I sat and felt sad, ashamed, disappointed in myself and my lack of understanding of what my actions were really doing to my children - the humans I love the very most on this planet - the humans God entrusted me with.

I was jarred by actually hearing the words that he was saying.

I knew that this was how he felt.

But, hearing it.

Katryna discussed many things with him.

She asked him what he needed and wanted from me.

And from our home.

And from me in our home.

He was so open with her.

One of the things that was brought up was having weekly family councils, where everything is laid on the table.

We have done this.

It has been incredible!

We have discussed schedules - because they are crazy, goals, his Eagle Scout project, family issues, and holiday schedules.

It has been such a blessing.

And, the greater blessing of all --

Kaydon has allowed me to parent him.

He has allowed me to be his mom.

He has come to me for suggestions, ideas, comfort, and peace. 

He has come to me and asked me to take care of certain things for him.

He has come to me and asked me to go to things with him.

He is allowing me to by his mama.

I could not be more grateful.

And, he feels he can trust me.

Thank you, Heavenly Father.

He knows where I am at all times.

He knows I am working 15-20 hour days.

He knows I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

What blessings.

Sometimes It's About The Small Things

Yesterday, I was having lots of feelings and emotions.

I wasn't quite sure what they were or what they were from or why I was having them.

So, I prayed to God to help me to know what they were and if I needed to do anything with them.

I prayed most of the day... throughout the day.

I was not happy.

But I didn't feel like I was sad.

Or angry.

Or scared.

Or hurt.

(I am still in the generalization of feelings and emotions phase)

I hadn't scheduled myself to dash last night. 

Therefore, it would be a gym night.

But when I got home, I made dinner and then realized it was a lay down in bed kind of night.

I was tired.

Exhausted.

In every way.

Physically, emotionally, mentally... exhausted.

It was that simple, really.

I didn't need to make a big story out of just being tired.

I wasn't lonely.

I wasn't scared.

I wasn't hurt.

I wasn't sad.

I was simply tired.

We all have good days,

And bad days,

And overwhelming days,

And tired days,

And awesome days, 

And days when we feel so bad that we are not sure we can go on.

These are all NORMAL days and part of our existence and they are OK.

From June 24th, on, I literally wondered if I would be able to get through this..

Recovery, re-vamping, re-doing, doing period, trying, trying again, being, living...

I was absolutely terrified of disappointing people, letting people down, letting myself down...

Failing.

I haven't failed.

I haven't let myself down.

I haven't let my kids down.

I haven't stopped trying or doing or being.

I haven't failed.

A Favorite

Never, ever assume.

Don't assume that because people don't go to church, they have a weak relationship with God.

Don't assume that because people don't go to church, they are not worthy, not good, or are not AS good as you.

Don't assume that those people who are at church have a super strong relationship with God.

Don't assume that because people are sitting in the pews, taking the Sacrament, they are better than you.

Don't ever assume that because you are the person sitting in the pew taking the Sacrament, you are better than the person next to you, or the person who dismissed the Sacrament or the person who is not at church.

Every single person is on a different journey.

Every single person is at a different point in their journey.

Every single person is a child of God.

Their worth is no different than yours or mine or the person under the viaduct.

Period.

And, on a side note...

The people who are dismissing the Sacrament, who are at that point in their journey...

Those are my people.

Those are bravest of the brave.

Those are the ones who are making things right in their lives and who are drawing so close to God that I almost envy them.

Those are my people.

That's It

This really IS how we do life, right?

We try.

Then we do it again.

Once more...

Maybe a little differently...

Maybe tomorrow...

Now ask for help...

Then keep trying.

In reality, it's all that's asked of us.

That's it!

Just try.

Your very best.

Recently, Kaydon said to someone, "I'm extremely proud of my mom."

All of my children are victims of my addiction, my lack of knowledge, my immature understanding of feelings, and my bad choices.

Kaydon has expressed it most vocally. 

On Wednesday when he and I were at his eye appointment, he said, "Ma, I think dash is so good for you. I don't want you sitting in the house being lonely when Brothers and I aren't there." I told him that the previous weekend, I had those exact feelings... all alone in our house.

I told him that I had two choices in that moment:

Return to my addiction and reach out to people who are just going to exacerbate my addiction

OR

Sit with being lonely. Deal with it. And try. Again.

I chose door #2.

He said he was proud of me.

So, I continue to try.

My damn best.

Again.

Then once more.

Then maybe a little differently, with new tools and understanding.

Then again tomorrow.

Then I'll ask for help when I have feelings that are uncomfortable.

Then I'll keep trying.